Title: Regret

Author: jakisbishlygay

Rating: R-ish

Pairing: John/Dean

Summary: John Winchester regrets many things.

Spoilers: none

Note: This is a Supernatural Slash Fiction Angstathon Entry. For the ficathon, I wrote for phantomas, who wanted a John slash story, either John/OMC or John/one of the boys.

Beta: The lovely ailurophile6 .

Regret

John Winchester regrets many things. He regrets not waking until Mary's fateful scream. He regrets not giving his boys a normal childhood, any childhood; full of lifetime friends, sleepovers, and birthdays with more than a candle on a doughnut.

John regrets not giving Sam the toys he always wanted and Dean the love and affection he craved. He regrets the fight with Sam the night he confessed his dreams to be something more, and the harsh words that should have been praise. He regrets never really visiting Sam at Stanford instead of lurking in the shadows, watching his every move to make sure he was safe. He regrets never apologizing to Sam for the way he abandoned him; telling him he never wanted to see him again. If he had told Sam, he might have really met the woman, Jessica, that he stalked; checking her out, making sure she was good enough for his youngest boy and not some demon from hell that would try to destroy him.

John regrets many things, but it's Dean's name he screams when he's alone in the darkness of night. When the nightmares make him contemplate all the things he should have done differently. He dreams of Dean. The way his eyes looked, wide and full of tears, when he so bluntly said "you're never going to see mommy again, so stop crying." Then there was giving him the sole responsibility of Sam. John knew that Dean loved, and still loves, his little brother more than anything, and would do anything for him, but a responsibility that heavy on shoulders too small…

Dean loved Cassie, or at least he felt for her more than he had ever felt for anyone outside of his father and brother, and John knew that. John knows he should have left Dean with Cassie, instead of telling, not asking, him to leave her behind. But if he hadn't ordered Dean to come with him to the next hunt, John would have been alone. Sure, John would often go on hunts alone, but he always had someone to come home to. Maybe it was the fear of being alone that drove John to make Dean leave with him.

Laying here, with his firstborn son laying naked in his arms, John's mind is wandering, reliving every moment he regrets. Enough memories make him realize it was jealousy that kept Dean from being happy with Cassie. Because after all, how could John let some small-town college girl give Dean the love he needs? Dean has always been beautiful, and to let that beauty slip away from John would be unforgivable. Dean looks like Mary, he has her eyes and perfect skin. Perfect skin that is now flushed and sweaty, so sweaty his short hair is clinging to it.

Dean mumbles something undistinguishable in his sleep and snuggles closer into his father's bare chest, his arms wrapping further around John's waist. John holds Dean tighter and gently runs his fingers through his damp hair.

John remembers when they kissed for the first time as anything other than father and son. It was a little over a year ago, only a week after leaving Cassie in the dust. John went into the bathroom to relieve himself while Dean was taking one of his marathon showers. That's when he heard something only the ears of a hunter could pick up over the noise of the spray, and opened the curtain slowly. Dean was quietly sobbing into his knees as he sat on the floor of the shower. His arms were wrapped around his legs so tight it looked as if he was loosing circulation. Dean's entire body shook with every sob, his strong muscles flexing, straining, as he tried to remain silent, unaware that his father was standing above him.

John didn't know what to do, so he did what he knew Dean would if he saw Sammy like this. Turning off the water and wrapping the thin hotel towel around his shaking son, all the while making soothing noises to keep the fear from his eyes, making small circular motions with his hand on Dean's towel covered back, John waited. After what seemed to John like a lifetime of agony, Dean stopped crying and embarrassingly tilted his face toward his father.

John was scared, he's still scared and will always be scared, of the look in Dean's eyes. They reminded John of the night Mary died, when he said those un-father-like words. John used his Marine courage and hunter's training to get past his fear of not knowing what to do, and did what one would normally do when faced with something terrifying: he smiled and caressed Dean's face.

John doesn't really know why that defense came with that action, when he knows deep down that he has always loved his boys more than he should.

Dean smiled back and John's heart almost leapt out of his chest out of pure joy.

"You look so much like your mother," said John and Dean's smile grew. John had only seen that look of joy on Dean's face a handful of times. He wanted his face to stay that way forever.

John helped Dean out of the shower and into one of the twin beds, making sure Dean was tucked in tight, the way he and Mary used to before she died. He saw the look of contentment on Dean's face as John ran his hands through Dean's damp hair, messing it up.

John changed into his boxers and a t-shirt before climbing into bed with Dean. John remembers telling himself he was sleeping with Dean in his bed to make Dean feel more relaxed, nothing more. John has never really believed his inner-voices. Dean snuggled up to his father, tentatively placing his arms around John's waist. When John held him closer, tighter, Dean reacted by locking his arms around John and burrowing his face in the worn out cotton of John's shirt. Neither spoke as John wove his fingers through Dean's thick hair with one hand while continuing to rub Dean's back with the other. Dean tilted his face up at his father and John could only think one thing.

"Beautiful" breathed John. He hadn't meant to say it out loud, but in all his life, that one word would be one of a small number of things that John would never regret. Dean smiled. It wasn't just full lips and shiny white teeth, but like his entire face was smiling. His eyebrows rose towards his hairline, his eyes were bright and squished by his rising cheeks. Dean looked happy. John had only seen that smile when Dean told him Sammy took his first steps.

Dean reached up and tentatively took his father's lips in an unsure yet needy kiss.

John kissed back with everything he had. After all, who could blame him? No one could, he had Dean naked and in his arms, kissing him. And if John weren't trying to fool himself he would admit that the only person to touch him between the last time with Mary and later with Dean, it had only been himself.

They did not have sex that night, much to John's surprise. Dean was nervous, nervous about making it good for John.

Dean is still nervous sometimes. When they are in a small crappy town following a faded lead and John flirts with a girl with a daddy complex to get information, Dean clenches his jaw tight while his lips form a small white line on his stony face. He doesn't speak unless it's to answer a yes or no question. And John has to make it all better, he has to show Dean that they belong together, that John would never leave him.

That's what happened last night. It's what made them call out each other's names in harsh screams while John was fully inside his son. John chuckles as he remembers how Dean referred to it as hot, monkey-I-love-you sex.

John regrets many things, many decisions he has had to make on behalf of his boys.

John can already feel the nausea at his most recent decision. He needs to leave. He knows he will regret leaving his son, the son who needs him more than anything, but he needs to leave. John knows it will be a shitty way out but he knows he won't be able to bear the look of heartbreak on Dean's face when he tells him, that's why he can't tell him. He needs to leave without Dean knowing that he is really leaving.

Maybe now would be a good time to send Dean on his own hunts, he is after all not only competent, but a skilled hunter as well. Dean would be fine, his reflexes have been there since he was four and are therefore as natural as breathing. John smiles at how smart Dean is, he may play dumb more often than not, but it only makes him that much smarter.

John strokes the back of Dean's neck, trying to gently wake him. It almost works, but Dean is in too deep of a sleep. Now would be a good time to leave, but John knows it wouldn't work. Though he may be sleeping like a rock now, he is actually a light sleeper. Dean would wake as soon as John was out of arm's reach for more than a minute. Not only would he wake suddenly, but he would be alarmed and terrified, and John would be getting dressed and would have to explain why. John can't see his son when he finds out John is leaving. If he sees him and hears him he won't be able to leave, and Dean would die.

There is no way Dean can be safe when he is around his father. John has known this since before Dean met Cassie, but he couldn't bring himself to accept it until now, giving John something else to regret. John figured he would send Dean on some hunts alone while he did so himself, and they would always meet back in some random hotel, together. It would be good for Dean, teach him to be more independent and show him that John really does trust him. John won't leave until Dean is familiar with hunting alone, and it may take a month, but John is not going to leave him unsure.

When Dean is ready, really ready to be on his own, John won't be at the hotel when Dean gets there. He won't find any trace of John because John will have never been there. And that one night will be the first in over a year where they both sleep alone and not tangled in each other's limbs, sweaty and panting until they collapse from exhaustion.

John doesn't want to leave, but he has to. He needs to keep telling himself this or he'll stay forever and Dean won't be safe.

Maybe when he kills the demon that ruined their lives… maybe then he can take his son in his arms once more and beg for his forgiveness. And John will lick away his tears and swallow his sobs while he moves inside him, making him whole again.

John knows his regret will dig a hole inside his heart and soul until that day, but he MUST leave.

John knows that today is not that day, nor tomorrow or any day soon, not until the demon is dead.

----

Two days later and Dean goes on his first hunt alone and John kisses away any nervousness as they separate. And when they meet in a hotel in Arizona a few days later they stay tangled in each other's embrace until they pass out from sheer exhaustion, with John still buried deep inside his first born son when they wake the next morning.

----

Dean has just completed his seventh hunt all by himself, and his father is not answering his phone. He can't find John. He's alone and scared.

A week later and Dean is inside his brother's living room and looking at the beautiful girl that stole his brother's heart and begging him for help without actually begging.

---

Sam's beautiful girlfriend has been dead for a month now, and again John regrets never meeting her. But Sam is safe with Dean and Dean is safe with Sam.

John Winchester regrets many things, and maybe one day…