Start paying attention, I don't own Evangelion. I also make no claims to the poem Do not go gentle into that good night, which is the acclaimed work of Dylan Thomas. Here it is, the Last Chapter. Enjoy:
'The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.'
-Carl Jung, psychologist
Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki leaned forward in his chair, studying the board carefully. Hands clasped before his face, Gendo Ikari sat patiently across from his old Professor; a shogi board atop the desk between them.
Shogi, Japanese chess, was a common pastime between the two Nerv commanders. Used as a way to sharpen the skill and strategy of warrior monks centuries ago, Masters of shogi were renowned with the tactical foresight to plan over a hundred moves ahead; effectively countering enemy maneuvers before they even made them.
Even in such modern times, few could match Gendo Ikari in the art of subtle, deliberate planning and manipulation. In all the years Fuyutsuki had known him, the retired Professor had never won a game against his old pupil.
That didn't stop the stubborn old man from trying.
After a few more minutes of silent deliberation, Fuyutsuki's fingers bravely reached out and set the pawn a full square ahead of its last position. Without a pause, the Commander's white-gloved hand pushed a 'lance' tile across the board in a flanking maneuver.
"I received a memorandum from Chairman Kiel," the Sub-Commander said matter-of-factly. "He's demanding a full report of yesterday's incident with Unit-01."
Expression set in stone, Ikari replied with disdain. "The Old Men are too predictable. I've already had Dr. Akagi draft a complete report regarding the incident."
"In just a day?"
Eyes hidden behind his glasses, the Nerv commander produced a thick file from a desk drawer and set it on the tabletop; just another playing piece in a larger, more dangerous game. "After analyzing all relevant data from the Test Lab and Unit-01's AC recorder, all three MAGI have agreed the accident was the result of a pilot error brought upon by severe emotional distress."
Fuyutsuki raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Pilot Error? You can't be serious! The boy's practically comatose from Mental Contamination, Ikari!"
"The result of the pilot's incompetence is irrelevant. What is truly pertinent is the cause, Fuyutsuki."
'The pilot' Fuyutsuki scoffed inwardly. He couldn't even recall the last time Ikari had even referred to his son by name. "And what, specifically, was the cause, do you think?"
The Commander noticeably paused before replying. "The Pilot's mental anguish attracted the Eva's deeper nature. She tried to comfort him, but instead, the fool's mind interpreted this as an invasion of his psyche and fought against her. This rejection was the cause of the Unit-01's…reaction."
"It went Berserk."
"Precisely."
Kozou Fuyutsuki frowned slightly, hiding his revolted grimace. This was exactly what the old man had tried to prevent when he ordered Kaji to confront Shinji. Gendo Ikari's cruel neglect of his own son's welfare bled into Nerv and the Evas, and now the bastard hung Shinji out for the SELEE to crucify in order to protect Unti-01.
"It's your move, Fuyutsuki." The Commander reminded him evenly.
Brow drawn, Kozou did his best to forget the young Ikari's misfortune and turned his attention back to the board. Moving his knight to counter the Ikari Elder's lance, Fuyutsuki asked. "So, what's Unit-01's current status?"
"It will be fully excavated from the bakelite infusion in approximately seventeen hours. After that, Dr. Akagi will oversee minor repairs and a comprehensive inspection before we schedule a reactivation test."
"And if the Third Child is unfit to pilot?"
"So long as he's conscious enough to synchronize, we'll use him even if he can't walk."
Touching, Fuyutsuki grumbled to himself. "Your move, Ikari."
The glove hand snaked almost mockingly over the board as he pushed the Silver General's tile onto the final square.
The Sub-Commander groaned. Why hadn't he seen that before?
"Checkmate."
His condition finally stabilized, Shinji laid soundly his hospital bed, the sedatives fed into the boy's bloodstream soothing him into a mercifully dreamless sleep. The cardiac monitor above his head chimed steadily along with his heartbeat as a neighboring psychograph took quiet note of the Third Child's brain activity.
Rei Ayanami sat diligently at Shinji's bedside, hands folded in her lap. Beside the First Child, Asuka slept stiffly in a commandeered hospital chair, arms crossed and head tilted lazily to a side.
Though Rei could not quite understand the significance, she nonetheless noted the way Pilot Souryu's chest rose and fell with the electronic beeps of Ikari's heart monitor.
The First Child herself wasn't certain why she had come, or even why she had waited with Souryu and the Major for an update on Ikari's condition. While her expression never ventured off the cold disinterest she endlessly held, Rei internally struggled with the strange sensations fluttering her insides.
What is this that I feel? She asked herself.
Anxiety. Concern. Concern for Ikari?
Uncertainty. Why am I here? Why trouble myself with all of this? What can I possibly do that would make a difference now?
Powerlessness. What use am I?
Ayanami's pale hands unconsciously clutched the small object in her lap.
Her scarlet eyes fell on the sleeping boy's face.
He had come for her, after the battle with the Fifth Angel. Ikari had pried open the super-heated entry plug- just as the Commander had.
Like so many things the boy did, his tears confused her.
"You're crying again…You were crying yesterday…in your sleep. Why are you so sad?"
"Dummy…" he said as he rubbed the tears from his eyes. "That's not it! I'm crying because I'm just happy you're alive."
"…because you're happy? You cry when you're happy too..."
Why? Why feel such happiness for a doll? I'm replaceable.
As always, Rei found herself perplexed by conflicting sensations and feelings. She simply…felt…as if a something invisible caressed the cold hollow of her chest.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what to feel or say in a situation like this…"
Tears budding in his warm brown eyes, Ikari had smiled. "Have you tried smiling?"
Ikari had visited her later, in the hospital, just as she was now. He had brought something: a 'get-well present', he had called it.
A Present…a 'gift'.
Ayanami's reaction then had been curious and puzzled, her expression even. But now…just the memory brought a pink rise to her cheeks.
No one had ever given her a gift. Not even Him.
A small book.
A book of poetry.
Poetry?
Ikari's explanation had been nervous and stammering. "I just thought…well…it's just…maybe it can help you with…your…uh…I'm sorry…"
Unsure why the Third had apologized, Rei stared as he hastily excused himself, alluding vaguely to an arrangement with classmates Aida and Suzahara.
Left on her own in the hospital bed, Ayanami had opened the book's first page and read.
Her mind suddenly lifted with the thought.
She was not entirely powerless.
Pallid fingers lightly brushing the cover of the small, humble black book in her lap, Rei delicately turned each page until she found the one she sought. Slipping a brief glance as Shinji slept on, Rei softly read the page aloud; her voice barely above a whisper.
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage, against the dying of the light
Wild men, who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night
Brave men, near death, who see with blinding sight,
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Gently closing the book, Rei shut her eyes as a pressure tugged insistently at them from inside her head; the invisible veins pulsed an ache in her orbs. She was familiar with this reaction- thought its nature was still lost to her. The collection of poems kept in that small book's pages brought about a spectrum of feelings and sensations… the verses sometimes even allowing Rei to attach a word and meaning to them.
While Ikari had never finished explaining why he had given her that book, Ayanami was slowly coming to understand…
It was almost as if…
Her scarlet eyes snapped open when a familiar voice groaned. "This again? I hate this ceiling…"
Awake in his hospital bed, Ikari stared up at the First Child with drowsy, misted eyes. "Ayanami…?"
"You're awake," she said, her usual flat tone masking the sharp rush of elation in her chest.
Relief?
"How are you feeling?"
Muscles blunted by the sedatives, he struggled to sit upright. "Fine, I guess," he sighed while massaging the bridge of his nose. "My head's killing me though…"
"Understandable," she nodded.
Spotting the proverbial splash of red hair snoozing next to Rei, Shinji guardedly asked. "What's Asuka doing here?"
Privately considering the question rather obvious, Rei nonetheless answered mechanically. "Pilot Souryu and Major Katsuragi waited at the E.R. for a change in your condition; I believe they stayed the night."
Shinji seemed utterly taken aback by the answer, painfully recalling him and Asuka's fight from yesterday. "But…why would she do that?"
"I do not assume to know Pilot Souryu's motives."
Shifting uncomfortably, Shinji hastily changed the subject. "Where's Misato?"
"The Major left with Mr. Ryoji for coffee, they should be returning shortly."
The two sat in awkward silence, the perpetual tones of Shinji's monitors feebly filling the room's stillness. Biting his lip, Shinji spoke up hesitantly. "Ayanami?"
"Yes?"
"When I was asleep…I think I heard your voice…like you were…well…saying something to me…"
"Perhaps you were dreaming," Rei suggested coolly.
Shyly avoiding Rei's gaze, Shinji's shoulder's slumped. "I'm sorry…I just thought…"
"The Doctors should be notified you are awake," Rei declared, abruptly standing. Brushing silently past the boy, the door slid open as she approached it.
But she paused in the doorway, her back to him. "Ikari?"
Shinji's head perked. "What's wrong, Rei?"
Silly thing, Little dolls cannot be mothers
The words came out slowly, as if it were a struggle to say them. "That time before…when you said I would make a good mother…did you really mean it?"
Even though she could not see it, Shinji smiled reassuringly. "Of course I mean it, Ayanami! I can't imagine you being unkind to anyone, never mind your own child!"
Rei was grateful she wasn't facing Ikari as warmth flushed her cheeks.
A moment a severe self-consciousness.
Embarrassment.
"It is…fortunate you are not dead, Ikari." She managed.
The door shut itself behind her.
Shinji blinked to himself. I guess that's just Rei's way of saying 'I'm glad you're alive'.
Wondering how he could possibly be so tired after being unconscious for eighteen hours, the Third Child leaned back wearily on his pillow, reveling the room's calm stillness. He caught himself watching Asuka from the corners of his vision; volatile as she was awake, Shinji couldn't help appreciating her beauty as she slept. Luxurious red hair flowing to the shoulders, her flawless skin smooth like cream, the lithe, comely shape and curves of her body...the light, sinuous mounds of her breasts…
Shinji slapped himself on the side of the head. With Asuka asleep, someone had to keep him 'in line'. Get a hold of yourself, dammit! Face it: she hates you, she said it to your face! Nothing good would ever come out it!
Excessively self-conscious, Shinji's greatest fear was to be hated. Even if a complete stranger took an instant disliking of him, the boy often took such news with depression and self loathing; his very self-worth defined by the others around him.
But as much as Asuka's hatred of him hurt, it hurt far worse when he loved her.
Even though the only other person in the room was fast asleep, Shinji reddened with shame for admiring the object of his heartache.
Remembering the night he and Asuka slept peacefully in the same bed…her arms wrapped around his waist as he held her hand…his fingers twinged for the touch of her hand like an amputee still feeling the ghost of a limb.
Why was he torturing himself like this?
"God, I'm pathetic."
"SHINJI!"
He started as Misato came bursting into the room, tears of relief clogging her eyes. Before he could even spot his guardian's red jacket, Misato already had him in a bone crushing hug. "Thank God you're awake!"
Asphyxiation by hug, he thought to himself. "Uh…Misato?" Shinji choked. "Kinda hard time breathing here…"
"What? Oh right! Sorry."
He gasped a full breath when Misato finally released her stranglehold on him…only to have his breath tangle in his throat when he saw Asuka sitting awake in her chair, arms crossed and a scowl on her face.
Her bright blue eyes narrowed irritably. "It's about time you woke up, lazy ass."
Nearly choking with naked panic, Shinji couldn't answer. He averted his eyes from her.
"Hey," Kaji waved, leaning against the doorway. "Nice to see you up, Ikari."
Dr. Akagi, pockets in her white labcoat, edged past the ever-unkempt Mr. Kaji at the door and strode up to Shinji with a pleasing smile. "Excellent to see you awake Shinji," she said sincerely. "How are you feeling?"
"Good, I guess," he shrugged. "I'm tired and I've got a bit of a headache, though."
The blonde-haired scientist jotted several notes onto Shinji's chart as she nodded. "That's to be expected. We'll run a few tests to be sure, but your quickly regaining consciousness rules out the possibility of any lasting damage from Mental Contamination."
Still flurried with concern, the Major cupped her charges head. "Are you sure you're alright Shinji."
"Mein Gott, Misato!" Asuka snorted, refusing to even look in Shinji's general direction. "The baka's head hurts a little; there's nothing serious he keeps up there!"
Behind the Katsuragi 'family', Kaji and Ritsuko Akagi shared knowing glances with each other. Shinji stuttering and nervous, Asuka stubbornly irritable, both children refusing to look at one another…
Kaji nodded to the silent question Dr. Akagi's eyes asked. 'Oh yeah…'
Waltzing behind Misato as she fretted over Shinji, he brightly said: "Say, Katsuragi! Shinji here's in good health now, how about we go celebrate with a drink or something, give the kid some air, huh?"
Misato blinked densely. "Wha-? Shin-chan just woke up! I'm not just gonna leave him so soon-"
"Oh come on, Misato," Ritsuko joined in. "You're off duty, we could even grab you a beer…"
"Count me in!" she hooted at once.
"You kids behave now," Kaji chuckled to Asuka and Shinji, staring dumbfounded at their guardian.
The door hissed shut, cutting off Misato's boisterous whoops.
Neither of them spoke, not even so much as looking at each other. Sweating heavily, Shinji muster more courage than he even knew he had- he'd had preferred climbing into Unit-01 and tackling an Angel solo over this…
"It came as a surprise…" Shinji managed. "You staying here so long for me to wake up…even after…well, you know…"
Excluding Ayanami (who always wore the same expression), it seemed every woman Shinji knew had 'the look'. That predatory, narrow-eyed look that portended hellish torments beyond reckoning.
Exceedingly talented in everything, it seemed, the warning 'look' Asuka gave him even gave the heart monitor a nervous 'eep'. "Don't get any funny ideas, Third. It was either here, or being alone all night at the apartment with that damn greedy bird. You were the lesser of two evils."
Shinji winced feebly. "Oh."
Yet another span of thick silence. Shamefully remembering the admiring looks he had given Asuka as she slept, he blushed furiously. Finally, he spoke up again, hanging his head pitifully low. "I-I'm sorry…Asuka…"
"Sorry for what?" she grunted.
The boy's face grew redder. Had he been a turtle, his head would've shrunk into his shell. "For yesterday…I mean. When you woke up and I was…the things I said…I-I never knew, Asuka. I'm so sorry…"
"Oh shut up already," Asuka's snapped. "Jesus, you think everything's your fault! Do you really believe I'd expect you to know how my mom died?"
"Well…no" he stammered. "…but-"
"But what? People aren't perfect; you less so. We all make mistakes, we all say or do things we shouldn't have, things we regret later…"
The decisive edge in the redhead's voice fell, her statement trailing off.
"Asuka," Shinji said. "What are you trying to say?"
"All I'm saying is, even I can make a mistake sometimes!"
Shinji gawked. This just couldn't be going where he thought it was. It just couldn't. "Asuka…are you…apologizing?"
Biting her lip, Asuka stared nervously down at her feet. "Listen, Baka. I…I had no right to say that stuff about your mom; I went too far there. It doesn't matter how my mom died compared to yours. Everyone's got pain and problems just like us. No matter how depressed you are, someone's always got it worse than you, and then you get even more depressed about being depressed over something that isn't such a big deal. Truth is, it's your pain, it's your hurt, regardless if someone else's is 'worse'…"
Shinji forgot their fight just last morning, it didn't matter. His look was that of selfless sympathy as Asuka's monologue no longer seemed directed to him. It was almost as if she was talking to herself now.
"Asuka?"
"Yeah," she finished, suddenly meeting Shinji's eyes. "I'm saying…I'm sorry, Shinji."
Catching the longing gaze her gave her, Shinji shyly broke eye contact with her; he blushed. "T-thank you, Asuka…."
The unspoken understanding they shared still bound them, two children of the same age, sharing the same pain of a mother's absence…
Different as they were, Asuka and Shinji were so very alike as well.
God, after all, cut all hearts from the same cloth.
They still could not speak or look at each other, this time more over shyness than anything else. Peeking over her shoulder, Asuka felt the same rush of blood to her cheeks from the morning she woke up with Shinji in her arms.
Remembering the night she slept peacefully in the same bed with him…her arms wrapped around his waist as he held her hand…
Her fingers twinged for the touch of his hand like an amputee still feeling the ghost of a limb. That deep, private wish for that someone…to feel wanted, accepted. She was always…trapped, forced to do and act what was expected of her, playing off the script Life gave her.
She wanted the Lie, she wanted the Farce, to finally end. She wanted to be herself, and damn everyone else who didn't like it!
If Life's a play, fuck theater.
"You still owe me."
The baka's face knitted in confusion. He was cute, especially when he was being an idiot. "Huh?"
Grinning wolfishly, Asuka stood out of her chair and leaned toward Shinji aggressively. He cringed back. "I had my first kiss with you. You're a crappy kisser."
He looked away, his face crimson.
"You ruined my first kiss, you owe me, Third!" she said. "I want another one."
Oh God…
Standing at the bedside, Asuka leaned down and held the sides of his head.
He felt Asuka's breath on him.
Her face dominated his vision.
Shinji's heart caught in his throat, his rushing blood froze in his throbbing veins.
Oh God oh God oh God oh God
Shinji's entire body was numb as Asuka's lips pressed against his.
The idiot was petrified, his lips completely unresponsive as hers played against his.
She smiled to herself. He's holding his breath this time.
He was like clay. Soft, submissive, shifting and enveloping her lips where they touched.
After a drawn eternity, Asuka's ministrations slowed until she gently released Shinji's head as she pulled back.
"Meh, it was alright," she decided. "At least it was an improvement from last ti-"
Awkwardly wrapping his arms around her neck, Shinji pulled Asuka towards him. She gasped as she lost her balance, knees tripping over the bedside. Asuka Langley Souryu fell on top of Shinji Ikari as he kissed her passionately. Their basic drives stirring, Asuka's knees straddled Shinji's hips as his tongue slipped into her mouth. They were lost in each other; the warmth, the moisture. Her breasts flattened against his chest, their hearts met and beat as one, nothing but blood, flesh and fabric separating them.
Their lips parted, they panted heavily as Asuka's face hung over him.
"God, Asuka…" Shinji breathed. Her eyes were glistening, sapphire pools; her hair tickled his face. "I-I think I lov-"
"Oh hush, Baka." She gave Shinji the first pure, happy smile she remembered since she was an untroubled little girl. Asuka brushed her nose against his. "You're ruining the moment."
Just as their lips drew together for another kiss, they heard a small, mechanical click.
Freezing, Asuka and Shinji warily turned their heads together.
Misato grinned in the doorway, her cell phone flipped open as Kaji and Ritsuko crowded for a look behind her shoulders. "Heh. You were right Ritsu. This camera-phone was soooooooooo worth the money!"
Face comparable with Asuka's hair, Shinji wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress and never come out again.
Asuka, on the other hand…
"God dammit! Misato! Give me that camera right now!"
"Whoohooo! Shin-chan scores! He musta put some serious moves on ya Asuka!"
"I said give me the camera!" Pouncing off the bed, Asuka barreled at Misato, who merely laughed and scurried into the hallway.
"I definitely saw tongue! What would have happened if we hadn't come in, huh?"
"That's IT! I'm gonna kill you!"
Ritsuko having gone off to prevent Asuka from murdering her guardian in the hospital's hallway, Kaji leaned a shoulder against the doorframe and gave the boy a thumbs-up. "Good luck with that one Ikari, you sure know how to pick 'em."
Waving goodbye, Kaji waltzed from of the room, no doubt eager to see a possible catfight.
Alone in his hospital bed, Shinji chortled to himself. "Asuka's still Asuka…"
The End
Yes, I know there was a serious delay in this last update. Writer's block hit, and this chapter was easily the most difficult fanfiction I've ever written. To the noteworthy author of 'The Notebook' Hamstadini, while I do admit I borrowed the idea of Shinji giving a gift to Rei from your great story, I had planned quite a long time ago for it to be a book of poetry (that part was all me). If you feel I've robbed you, I give you my most sincere apologies.
I would like to give a huge thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review Mother's Memory, especially those who have reviewed this story since chapter one. With 63 reviews at my last count, I consider this, my first Evangelion fanfiction, to me a monumental success in regards to you fans. Mind you, I still have a lot of work to do before I'm satisfied with my own writing. I'm just glad someone else is, at least.
I realize many of you are saddened by the fact this was only a 7 Chapter Story. Don't worry all, I have ambitious plans for an upcoming Evangelion fic, so keep an ear open for me.
My deepest thanks,
-ShinobiCyrus