Title: Oedipus, You Bastard
Characters: Zaraki Kenpachi, Kusajishi Yachiru
Rating: PG-13 for swearing
Word Count: 980
Summary: Kenpachi has no patience for Greek mythology.
Disclaimer: The only Bleach I own is used to clean my clothes.
Author's Notes: New to the fandom, never thought I'd be writing fanfiction for it, but this idea was bugging me, and I had to get it out.
Warnings: Swearing. Lots of swearing.

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If Zaraki Kenpachi had perhaps been born in a different time, or a different place, it may have been conceivable for him to know about a Greek by the name of Oedipus.

As it was, Zaraki Kenpachi was graciously informed by Aizen Sousuke about something called the "Oedipus complex" and its counterpart, the "Electra complex."

Kenpachi hadn't exactly been listening, of course, and all he'd really caught was "penis-envy" during the explanation of the Electra complex, and 'bout how Oedipus married his mother after killin' his father.

But he didn't believe either – told Aizen it sounded like a crock of shit to him – because fer one, he'd told himself later, once back in the safety of his office (fuckin' Unohana and her "yearly physicals" bullshit – long as he was still standin' he figured he was healthy enough), he was pretty sure Yachiru didn't even know what a penis was, and if she did, why the hell would she be envious of him having one? Didn't strike him as somethin' Yachiru would be envious over.

And fer two – and he'd told this to Aizen, because the bastard had been gettin' on his damn nerves lately – when the hell had Yachiru's relationship with him become his business anyway?

Aizen had said something 'bout, "Just making a simple observation is all," and then Kenpachi had really stopped listening to the bastard, because he swore if he heard one more thing 'bout Yachiru's slow, subtle changes from childhood to womanhood from that pervert's(because he sure as hell had to be one, ta be watchin' Yachiru close enough to notice all those things) mouth, he was gonna lop his fuckin' head off.

And of course, after the physicals were done with, Yachiru was askin' him what Aizen was talkin' 'bout, because she knew even less about Greek mythology than Kenpachi did.

"It's nothin', Yachiru. Aizen's just talkin' shit, 'cause he thinks he's better'n me an' the rest o' Soul Society."

"No one's better than Ken-chan!" Yachiru had wrapped her arms around his neck and told him he should beat Glasses Face up for insultin' him.

He'd had to tell her that he couldn't do that, because Yamamoto-soutaichou wouldn't like it – even though he would have done it, whether or not Yamamoto-soutaichou gave a damn, it was just that he didn't want Yachiru to go around tellin' everyone he was gonna beat the shit outta Aizen, because that was just askin' for trouble he didn't need right now.

As much as he loved a good fight, he figured Aizen wasn't the kinda guy he wanted to get it from.

Bastard was almost as creepy as Kurotsuchi. Almost.

But Kurotsuchi took home the gold medal for being a creepy bastard, because he was always looking at him and Yachiru like they were test subjects in one o' his damn experiments.

And they probably would be, if he ever let his guard down – but he'd never do that, not as long as he had Yachiru to protect from all the perverts and creeps in Seireitei.

At least his own division had learned there was hell to pay if they even thought about Yachiru. He still fondly remembered the one he'd hacked up a few years ago – idiot had took off to Rukongai soon as he escaped the rest of the eleventh. Never could find him after that, s'much as Kenpachi had wanted to finish him off.

Yachiru didn't understand Kenpachi's motives sometimes when he picked fights with other shinigami that certainly wouldn't give him a good fight – and Kenpachi never gave her good answers when she asked why.

She started gettin' mad at him when he beat up shinigami who gave her candy behind his back – told her that takin' candy from strangers was bad, though she protested that it wasn't a stranger, Kurotsuchi-taichou had given it to her.

Kenpachi still hadn't gotten the bastard back for that, though he had written a polite letter to the creep 'bout given candy to his little girl.

He had stopped after that, but as far as Kenpachi was concerned, there was still a score to settle.

But there was something about Aizen's words, Kenpachi mused as he procrastinated – because honestly, paperwork had to be the most idiotic invention ever and he figured he'd bully Yumichika inta doin' it later, 'cause it wasn't like the pretty freak was gonna refuse him – that made him watch Yachiru with a little more care and concern as she hummed to herself across the room, sitting at a pink, plastic table, coloring with red and violet crayons – the only colors Yumichika had given to Yachiru to use, because the conceited bastard thought they were the only pretty ones out of the entire box of two hundred sixty-four.

"Ken-chan!" she exclaimed, dropping her crayons and holding up the picture for him to see. "Look!"

He smiled at her, amused. "Yachiru, now what'd I tell you 'bout drawin' me rippin' the heads offa other shinigami?"

"To make sure the other shinigami never saw the picture!"

Kenpachi couldn't help the grin that flitted onto his face.

"That's right," he grunted, "I did tell you that, didn't I?"

"Yup!" She smiled wider and grabbed a new sheet of paper to draw another picture.

Yeah, he decided, Aizen was full of shit. Was no way Yachiru was thinkin' 'bout him like that. Che. Right. Never in a million years.

He'd have to tell him tomorrow that him and that Oedipus guy were both Goddam bastards, and once he figured exactly who Oedipus was, he was gonna kill 'em both. Didn't matter if Oedipus was long dead by now, he was still gonna find 'im and kill 'im.

And if Aizen decided he was gonna re-enlighten him as to whom Oedipus was, Aizen was gonna be the first to get it.