This monstrosity

This happy little gem takes place in any part of JLU continuity before Jonn left the team for whatever happened in China. Now…we know he was becoming more isolationist throughout the seasons but…ever wonder if something made him that way? Think of the watchtower as a giant dorm room and those responsible as roommates. Chances are you know the kind I'm talking about. DC, Time Warner, not mine, blah blah blah…

Guy

It was all Vigilante's fault .

The official report doesn't say that. But every one else does.

Vigilante, for his part, uncharacteristically ,yet firmly, blames it on Shining Knight. Who ,still possessing a morality and mentality that served him well in the bygone days of Arthur, can not bring himself to blame it on Vixen. Or rather would, if she knew she had any involvement, but again the morality swings into play like some Basil Faulty themed Tarzan. That and a faulty memory. Also, it wasn't Vixen's fault that Poison Ivy interrupted her lunch break by breaking Killer Frost, Giganta, Volcana and Livewire out of a temporary holding facility in Kansas.

Both these facts were the first in a series to collide ala iceberg and Titanic, because if Poison Ivy had held off on that break out thing, Vixen would have happily enjoyed a fat free Waldorf salad (Don't ask how the fat free thing works, just don't.) and wouldn't have wandered into the recreation area when she did. If Shining Knight hadn't wandered in when he did, he would have either missed her or, if she hadn't missed her lunch break which resulted in her being there, not encountered her at all. This is where the Arthurian morality came in, prompting the good Sir Justin to offer the anthromorpher sustenance in the form of one of the bags of pork rinds he was intent on brining to good old weekly movie night, hosted by that son of a gun Vigilante.

Thus, the weekly movie goers were short one bag of pork rinds.

The avalanche was short one snowflake.

Green Arrow, or possibly Flash since he was faster and Black Canary was uncharacteristically curled in the emerald archer's lap (alcohol was also present at this event, which sometimes explains other cases of this nature aboard the watchtower), got there before Vigilante did. Vigilante maintains excellent shape, as is universal among any band of super heroes, but it was done through healthy eating which involved laying off the delicacies he truly loved living off. The kind he saved for movie night. He practically starved himself for these needs. Not that that stopped him consuming his fare share of peanuts, hot dogs, pizza, candy and beer, but he was of the mindset that never feels satisfied until they have had that delicacy they have gone through so much of that kind of mentality for .

Pork rinds were one such delicacy.

Vigilante did not feel satisfied. He wasn't in any danger of starvation, but his stomach evolved a telepathic brain of it's own to mentally complain with.

Maybe he was a little drunk to, who was to say.

All this really came to a head when he wondered up onto the bridge, not for any real reason other than this was the watcher tower version of walking through the rain to jazz music.

It was there that he saw the bag of Oreos. J'onn J'onzz bag of Oreos. Not that he knew that at the time, but a lot of things people didn't know about came together at this point.

It took him a few minutes to finish what was left in the bag, and shuffle back out into the numerous corridors of the watchtower, cursing the League's supply delivery service for being as slow as it was. The snow flake didn't really fall until J'onn returned from assisting Zattana fix the TV set in her quarters ("There are some things magic was created to do Jonn. Turn Dr Polaris into the local precante is one. Screw with Japanese electronics with out the manual ? I might as well make the noose myself.").

Thanks to Vigilante, most of the league agree, the avalanche slapped them in the face. Vigilante continues to argue ,to anyone who will listen (there are few), that Shining Knight is responsible. Shining Knight's moral code dictates he accept the blame, and perhaps the fact no one really believes Vigilante helps a little. It also means he feels slightly guilty, but his memory means he doesn't remember what for.

Philosophically speaking, the entire affair was Clint Eastwood's fault.

"Come on J'onn!"

Superman knocked for the third time, using a hand that could reduce mountain to rubble. Kansas bred politeness and experienced muscle control kept the door upright. Frustration was making the former factor less relevant.

Diana raised an eyebrow, hands on hips.

"He's been in there how long?"

"Ten days." Clark said mechanically. He ran a hand through ebony hair.

"And nothing? No sound? No movement? Nothing?"

"Not a telepathic peep Diana."

The Amazon folded her arms, locking her clear sky eyes on the kryptonian's baby blue.

"And what about you? You've been up here all this time?"

Clark shrugged, cape shifting along with his well toned shoulders. He wasn't looking at her.

"Some one had to watch him."

"With the door closed?" Diana asked. There was an anticipated parental tone in her voice. The kind reserved for when homework was left undone. Or Wally hadn't put the seat down. "Vigils are Bruce's thing. Not yours."

Clark winced. He'd had to fax in his last reports, and Lois's birthday was coming up. Jonn owed him three Planet sick days. The Batman comment was what ultimately made him reply the way he did.

" It's called X ray vision Diana."

Oops.

The Amazon's eyebrows went high in horror, eyes suddenly shocked pools of surprise.

For a fraction of a second, one of the most powerful beings on earth thought he'd escaped a fate worse than a fate worse than death for something a lot more survivable.

"You've actually spied on him? You've seen what he's been doing all this time?"

He couldn't have been more wrong if he'd been talking Bizzaro.

"No! Diana!"

"Why didn't you tell me? Fire and Ice have been on my back to find out!"

"Diana!"

"Wait, what?" She narrowed her eyes, one raven eyebrow rising like a suspicious sun. "So you've been here…but you haven't looked in on him? You haven't looked through the door ,much less opened it? For ten days?"

"No! Diana…he could be doing…you know…anything in there! It wouldn't be right! It…"

"For ten days…," Diana continued, in tones like an iron bucket full of water to the face ",…you have sat outside this door…and you still have no idea what he's been doing?"

Something in her tone (probably the bucket) snagged Clark's attention. The investigative journalist sniffed the air, like late man sniffing Tyrannosaurs droppings.

"The member with the most likely means to leave that room unnoticed, other than Bruce, has looked himself in his quarters, which is out of character enough, for ten days…"

Shape shifting. Invisibility. Phasing.

Clark rapped on the door again. "J'onn?"

Nothing. Not that anything had been expected.

"J'onn?" Clark repeated, a little sing song hint of panic weaving through his words.

His free hand twitched slightly, the knocking becoming more heated. If he kept it up he'd ware a dent into the door after a good long hour. Amazonian patience didn't last that long.

"Oh, Hera give me strenght…" Royal red and white streaked boots marched determinably to the door, a slender hand easily moving the kryptonian aside and running a palm over the Wayne enterprises sensor array bolted to the wall. "J'onn?"

/Private quarters options set to maximum privacy. Access denied. Have a nice day./

Wonder woman's eyes narrowed like a tiger with a environmentalist shouting prayers in the name of mother nature at it at one in the morning. Clark barley had time to begin protesting.

The reinforced steel might as well have been wet cardboard. Grunting, Diana heaved the remains out of the frame, leaning it against the side of one of the sparse walls.

"Cool." Star girl remarked as she continued towards the bridge.

Clark's first thought as he followed the marching Amazon into the room was, This is where he lives? Bed. Table. Lamp. Chair. Desk. Swivel chair. Still emanating that unwrapped from plastic shine and, Clark could swear, smell. In the sudden light from outside, the gun metal coloured walls took on an underground light. Like they busted into the White Rabbits basement looking for Alice's remains. Clark stiffened like a flash freeze victim, wondering where the heck that notion had come form. Baby blue eyes took in the room.

"Nothing." Diana whispered.

She was of course referring to the Marshan's absence, but it summed the room up effortlessly. No books, no food, no light, no TV, no newspapers…nothing. At least The Question had those bulletin boards and case files, perhaps even ,as rumour suggested, a stuffed raven tangled in a dream catcher. Something about the ghost of Lewis Carol not interfering with an investigation. Or possibly Albert Einstein. Clark hadn't been paying attention, and the rooms sparseness was numbing concentration.

A cough. He realised Diana was looking at him. Very expectantly. Dreaded leadership. Bounce a couple hundred bullets off your chest and oh, suddenly, your in charge of every dang superhero on the planet.

Although the complementary muffins that the founders were receiving at council meetings were a bonus. He just wished Bruce would stop ordering brand and Wally would stop swiping all the blueberry.

Diana coughed again. And shifted her eyes in a particular direction.

"What?" Clark waved a hand at the room as if trying to remove the smell of the restroom on deck level 5, the one that no one went near because of broken urinal. "There's nothing in here to look for."

"And you call yourself a journalist."

Ouch.

She had a point though. And she knew it. Perfect lips twitched, Clark resisting a wince at the realisation that she wasn't done yet.

"I would have figured you'd at least check the closet."

"Wait…we have closets?"

Two sets of blue eyes stared at each other for a few minutes. Outside, Red Tornado complimented Power Girl's makeup.

"You didn't know we had closets?"

There was an unstoppable tingle in his cheeks as Clark shrugged.

"I…don't really use my…overnight quarters up here…that…often…"

"After you bugged the technicians to install that coffee machine?" Diana was mildly incredulous, putting the already uncomfortable man of steel on the defensive.

"I paid for it! What's wrong with wanting a cup of honest Columbian coffee? You go to the commissary every day! You know what the coffee there tastes like!"

"I know Clark. Why do you think I accept whenever Wally…" She stopped dead. Clark's blushing face became surprise. Then confusion. Realisation. Stone. Steel.

"Whenever Wally what?"

Amazonian bracelets rubbed gently against one another as Diana shifted uncomfortably, hands clutching each other in universal oops.

"You said yourself your not up here…there…a lot…and we uh…we both know what commissary beverages taste like, right? Chemco couldn't drink it right?" Guilty smile on perfect lips.

"Uh huh. What does the fastest man alive do with my…" The word could have broken through steel "…coffee machine?"

"Its just a sip!" Wally probably couldn't have said it faster. Indignant hands were suddenly on hips. "And your never in there! You brought the damn thing and you don't use it!"

Backing up, Clark realised control had slipped through his hands like a grease covered Plastic Man. He also realised that the very idea should have caused some kind of feeling in his hands that would have meant use of the sinks, even in the restroom on level 5. But fear, could numb stuff like that. "Diana…"

"I'll bet it was a bargain wasn't it? One of those things they sell on TV alongside peppy little pop princesses just out of high school? Thought you'd save a couple of bucks? Perhaps have a little left over this week ? Finally actually take Lois somewhere nice for once?"

"Oh, I'm sorry princess, we can't all get invites to banquets hosted by uptight little Frenchmen in the name of some charity no body ever heard of because they were too busy keeping their heads down and trying to make an honest buck while some people were partying like tomorrow was wrapped around their dainty little finger!"

Clark went pale. Had he just said that? Had he just called her…princess? Her eyes flared, like pre collapse Red Giants.

Eep…

"Well Super duper man, if you weren't invited how come every time I go to one of these parties that are so beneath you, there's a couple of hundred of your colleagues crawling into the place like slimy little maggots with glasses and bad hair jell over a doughnut?"

"Oh comparing the media to insects! How original! Yes, I can see how brining the world the truth simply pales in comparison to carrying all that breeding and royalty on your poor aristocratic shoulders!" A finger was jabbed towards hair, Clark barley skipping a beat

"And for your information princess, this is honest to god styling, not something a rainforest had to die for so those big black bangs of yours could retain that peppy little shine! "

"Oh so how and mighty! But hey, maybe you deserve it! All that effort into pushing all those lives out into the open so every one else can be in on the joke, must be a pretty neat way of bringing in a pay check! Got anyone good lately? What about me, huh? Told most of North America what I've told you at the water cooler Mr mild mannered?"

Iron realisation finally slammed down , the next remark bitten down hard enough to draw blood. Not that Clark actually bit anything, but it felt as if it were taking that much effort to end the argument.

"Diana…you know I'd never do that. How could I?"

Words became wall, stopping the return fire in mid build up. Constant unnoticed electronic white sound brushed through the sudden silence, the purring of a subdued jungle cat. As if made of lead, Diana's face became a smile, threatened by tears.

"Of course. Boy scout right?"

The tingle returned. Unstoppable this time.

A shared nervous cough, eye contact broken. Sparseness flooded in, the room fading back into their conciseness with uncomforting suddenness.

"He's not here." Diana said eventually, more for the sake of ending the silence than anything else. Or maybe forgetting the tension. Or maybe just getting out of the room.

Which was very understandable. An unnoticed smell clung to everything, faint and powdery, not unpleasant, but with the uncomfortable lighting from out in the corridor casting pale shadows the way it was, it put Clark in mind of a baby changing room next to a men's room. Hard to imagine this was where J'onn lived. But it suited what personality was shown in an unnerving way.

Seriously J'onn, at least get some dirty magazines in here or something. Maybe even a lamp.

"Clark?"

Her voice sounded like it was being transmitted through water. In his ears. With a blanket over his head. He broke his repeated sweep of the room, focusing on her.

"Right. Let's check the bridge."

"Huh?"

"The bridge. Maybe he got over…whatever and checked himself out to catch up or whatever it is people do on the bridge."

"Oh. Been. Not there."

A weary sigh was heaved, blue shoulders shrugging in defeat.

"Well…we'll look again. I mean, where'd he go? Jump City?"

The Amazon's smile went to horror mask faster than a lightning flash.

"He…he wouldn't would he?"

An invincible stomach was suddenly as unstable as a certain long dead planets core, or a certain speedster after eating a certain archer's chilli.

"He wouldn't! I mean…what would he do to them?"

"What do you mean what he'd do to them? Great Hera…what are they doing to him! Beast Boy alone…"

They didn't register Static's protest as they pounded towards the bridge, knocking him aside like Family Guy was knocked from 2004's airwaves. A lot of people didn't.