context

n.

1. the parts of a discourse that surround a word or passage and help to explain its meaning

2. the set of facts or circumstances that surround a situation or event

Japanese words:
Gomen nasai- sorry
Oyasumi nasai- goodnight
Okaeri nasai- welcome home/welcome back

Context
Chapter 1
06.21.2007

The roads are empty and we arrive at the Major's apartment in record time. I sneeze violently on the way up and before I know it I am divested of my wet clothing and pushed into a warm bath.

Katsuragi-san tells me to stay for as long as I want, then she shuts the door. Leaving me alone again. With my thoughts. With myself. With only the little eddies of steam swirling from the bathwater and fogging up the mirror to accompany me.

Eight minutes to soap, shampoo, and shower. If I had been in Eva, add ten to rub the smell off. This time, a bath...

It feels... pleasant. I stretch, catlike, to get the hard knots in my back to loosen up and then relax limply back into the tub. The heat is soaking into my bones. Katsuragi-san's shampoo smells like fruit. Apples, I think.

I like it... this bath.

I wonder when they will stop arguing?

I can hear Pilot Sohryu clearly. She does not sound pleased with the Major's news. She is saying all manner of things about me, all illogical and patently untrue. Show her up? Insinuate myself into their good graces? I give an unexpected snort, surprising even myself. Where did that come from? I must be careful or I shall sound like Pilot Sohryu. This bath has made me too relaxed.

Ikari-kun is sounding increasingly upset. Is that him shrieking? He sounds like a girl. The Major is being very calm about this, shooting down all of Pilot Sohryu's reasons. I do not understand Pilot Sohryu well but in this case I think she is dodging the issue.

"B-but Misato! Where will she stay?"

Finally. If she had asked that in the first place they would not have wasted all that time arguing.

"Why, with you, of course, Asuka."

I try to massage the beginnings of a headache away.

"What? No way! Wonderdoll and me in one room? She's going to drive me nuts!"

Her pointless arguments have been informative but by no means enlightening. She does not want me in her room. I suspected that. But how will I drive her 'nuts?'

I sigh, again feeling that unfamiliar pricking in my eyes. I am... irritated. It does not sound like they are going to stop any time soon. So much noise, so much fuss. Why could I not just stay in my old apartment? Maybe I can call Commander Ikari and ask him for at least that. I strain my ears to hear what Ikari-kun is saying.

"She can stay in my room."

Ahh, silence. Thank you, Ikari-kun. I slip lower into the warm aromatic water, relishing the feel of it dappling at my face and my closed eyes. Yes, Ikari-kun would be a far more agreeable roommate than Pilot Sohryu.

"See, see! As soon as that doll gets here, the baka hentai jumps at the chance!"

"I just thought – "

"Yeah, yeah. I know what you thought!"

Pilot Sohryu's voice has that ringing quality that penetrates the thickest of sound barriers.

I abandon my attempt to recapture my earlier mood and rise quickly from the tub. There are a lot of things that I do not understand. The Commander used to praise me for my accurate observations. I could always tell when Dr. Akagi was sad or when she was lying. I always knew when Commander Fuyutski was simply unconvinced or outright disbelieving.

But the 'why' always evaded me. I did not care. My world was him and as long as he was happy I did not mind my lack of understanding.

I dry myself off with the pink towel Katsuragi-san left for me; it feels soft and soothing on my skin. The feeling of being adrift and out of control is back.

"It's not like that! Ayanami is welcome to my room. I said I'd stay on the couch. You'd know if you would listen to me for a second and stop yapping my ears off…!"

I am welcome?

"That's not necessary, Shinji. There is no reason for you to stay on the couch."

Thank you, Ikari-kun. Katsuragi-san is correct. I do not mind. It is unnecessary for you to sleep on the couch.

"I'm sorry, Asuka, but Rei is to room with you."

There is a note of finality in Katsuragi-san's voice. She is using her 'Major' tone on them.

"Fine, fine."

Pilot Sohryu has agreed? Why? Considering her former objections, she is agreeing far too quickly to the Major pulling rank. I wonder what changed her mind?

I can hear them bickering still. Something about Ikari-kun being a debauched idiot and all boys thinking too much with their tiny little heads. He denies it a few times but I can tell she is wearing him down.

A knock sounds at the bathroom door, Katsuragi-san is outside. "Rei? I left you some clothes on the hook near the door. Come to the kitchen when you're done. Shinji-kun is preparing something for you to eat."

Food, she says? I am a little hungry.

Misato-san. From now on I am to call her 'Misato-san.' Her clothes are not very comfortable. They are too large. The shirt keeps slipping off my shoulders and these shorts need to be pulled up for me to walk properly.

Strong odors are coming from the kitchen. I can feel my mouth water and my stomach rumble.

Ikari-kun has his head in the refrigerator. He has not heard me come in. Should I say something?

"Ikari-kun, I would have liked to room with you."

He jumps. His hand is on his chest and he is turning a crimson shade. I have given him a fright. I should apologize.

"Ayanami! You surprised me. Wh-what did you say?"

"Gomen nasai, Ikari-kun. I would have liked to room with you."

What is the matter with him? He is surprised, embarrassed, but not displeased.

"Ikari-kun… why…?" He stares at me and I forget what I am going to say.

"Ayanami, you shouldn't be saying things like that." He sits down and points me to the other chair.

I sit down across Ikari-kun and he hands me a bowl of rice. "Things like what?" I ask between mouthfuls. The weight on my chest is lifting, I think I am more than a little hungry. Being with Ikari-kun is very comfortable. "You are quieter than Pilot Sohryu. You would be a much better roommate."

He is choking on his drink, coughing and turning red again. I stand up to go to him but he waves me down.

"I'm okay… cough… cough… sit down… cough."

I sit. Did I cause this?

"I'm sorry… cough… please stop frowning. Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong."

I relax slightly at his words but I still do not understand. I refuse to remain confused.

"Explain. Please."

He smiles at me and my heart skips.

"Er - you shouldn't go around saying things like that especially to other people. I guess it's okay with me, because I don't mind and I er - understand. But see, others won't. They'll think you mean something else and you might get into trouble."

"What will they think I mean?"

"You have no idea?"

I shake my head.

"Ahh, see..."

He gulps and starts to sweat. Why? This is something I have to know.

"What will they think I mean?"

"There are supposed to be um - rules to be followed and it's ahh – considered improper - for a boy to live with a girl... so ahh - you shouldn't go around telling boys that you'd like to, er – most people wouldn't understand what you mean and might think..."

"Why?"

"Why will they think?"

"No, why are you nervous and embarrassed?"

"Huh? I'm not... well, maybe I am, just a little bit, or actually, a lot. I thought at first... but then you said... so then... ehehehe..."

Hmm, is that panic I see in his eyes? Yes, I know how you feel, Ikari-kun. I felt like that several hours ago. But why? He is talking very fast now.

"Er – let's talk about this some other time... I just remembered, I have something I have to do... Just leave everything. I'll clean up tomorrow. Will you be okay here?"

Ikari-kun has put his dish in the sink and is now bolting – yes, there is no other word for it – for the open door. He has not answered any of my questions.

"Oyasumi nasai, Ikari-kun."

He stops at the doorway and turns around. He smiles again and I feel myself smiling back.

"Ayanami?"

"Yes?"

"Can I call you 'Rei'?"

I nod, feeling for the first time that everything is going to be alright.

"Okaeri nasai, Rei. Sleep well. Goodnight."

Live my own life. Find my own answers. His words still fill me with dread but it does not seem so impossible anymore.

I knock on the shoji of Pilot Sohryu's room and wait for her reply.

"If you must come in, then come in. No use hanging around out there since Misato already said you're sleeping here, regardless of how I feel," was the caustic reply through the door.

I slide open the shoji and step into the room. "But Pilot Sohryu, you said yes." I say, mildly curious.

"Yes, I did, didn't I? Will you shut that behind you?"

I comply and she points me to a futon in the corner.

"So, Wonderdoll, why are you doing this? Do you enjoy causing all this havoc or are you just following orders?"

"I am not a doll."

Pilot Sohryu has a voice that grates on the ears and words that sting to the quick. How did I use to tune her out completely?

"I am not the one causing 'havoc' here," I look at her pointedly, trying to remain unaffected, "I am only... following orders."

She stares at me with her mouth open, disbelief in her eyes. "You were ordered to do what exactly?" Scornful laughter.

"B-be happy."

I heard my voice tremble at my words and I must have frowned because Pilot Sohryu snorted like a pig and said, "You don't look happy."

A moment ago in the kitchen, I really thought I could be happy. Looking at Pilot Sohryu, I am not so sure.

I feel my face flush and my eyes prick and the stuffy feeling in my nose is back. I put up a hand to rub my eyes.

"Well, well, well… So you do have feelings after all."

Pilot Sohryu turns to reach for something on the table but not before she waggles her eyebrows at me. It looks odd on her. "They're called tears, Wonderdoll, don't look so surprised. It happens to the best of us."

"To the best of us?" I echo, adding softly, "I am not a doll."

She hands me a box of tissues.

"Yes, everybody cries."

"Everybody?"

"Yes, everybody. But," she points an admonishing finger at me, "don't tell anybody I said that."

"Why?"

"Because I. Don't. Cry."

"But you just said..."

"I know what I said. Now shut it."

"I'm never going to understand." I sigh and slump down to the futon, sniffling.

"Er, Ayanami? You're not going to go bonkers on me are you?"

I shake my head, unable to answer. I grasp at the shredded pieces of my restraint as my life again went spinning out of control.

"Hey! Wonderdoll?"

No, no. I am not a doll! I do not want to listen to you. Ikari-kun gave it back to me but you have just taken it all away.

"Ayanami? Rei!" Her voice really is like a foghorn. "Hey, Rei! Stop this, it's going to be okay!"

I feel her hand on my hair, patting it awkwardly. "Rei... come on, don't do this to me. Misato's gone out and Shinji is useless..."

"I am... alright..." I force myself to say. Her hands are soft and warm, friendly even.

"Sheesh! You actually are normal after all. I guess all that pretending to be unaffected crap finally got to you, huh? You know, it's bad to keep everything bottled up inside. If you do that all the time, you'll become repressed. You should try to be more open, show more emotions, tell others how you feel. That's right, I studied all this psychology stuff in college. So believe me when I say that I know all about it."

"Thank you, Pilot Sohryu."

"And what's with the Pilot Sohryu stuff? Asuka. If you're rooming with me you have to ditch all that formal stuff. Too tiring. Just 'Asuka' will do."

I caught the blanket and the pillow she threw me.

"Okay, Asuka."

Her eyes widen like she has just thought of something. Then she frowns and glares at me. "Gd'night, Wonderdoll."

"You are angry at me? Why?"

She sits back up and says irritably, "No, no. I'm not angry at you!"

"You are angry at someone." I rectify. "Who? And why?"

"Go to sleep, Rei. It's got nothing to do with you. And don't you dare start crying again!"

"I think not."

"Good."

"Well then, goodnight... Asuka."

Another snort. Pilot Sohr- er – Asuka... snorts a lot.

I reflect on my day as I try to fall asleep. The Commander, Misato-san, Ikari-kun, and Asuka; there are a lot of things I do not understand.

Asking why is important. The answers will help me.

But it seems no one is willing to tell me anything when I ask why. Why is that?

A/N: It's been in my documents section for almost a year. Rei is hard to write. What do you think?