Crash Big: Wow 3 years without visiting this site…
Connor: I was so happy too!
Crash Big: Just because my name might seem nicer don't even think for a second that you wouldn't still be dead if it wasn't for me!
Connor: You're also the one who killed me!
Crash Big: That's just because I hate how you spell your name. Anyway I would like to say hello to any old readers as well as all of our new friends just joining us.
Connor: Why are you acting nice and where are your two little friends?
Crash Big: Let's see… It's been 3 years so hmmm… DO I LOOK LIKE I KEEP TABS ON EVERYONE! My human friend might not be on this site so I will use this chapter to start contact if she is. And Urami has passed on to hell. Let's just start with the disclaimer.
…
Crash Big: Well shit! Where is he? Then again 3 years without food might make a person leave… So I'll do it. I don't own Camelot or the rights of the Golden Sun series but I sure as hell own the games as well as the third when it comes out next year.
SIDE NOTE!: I decided to go with a new type of speech. Let me know if it was easier to follow.
Chapter 5: After 3 years it's still chapter 5!
After three years of wandering through the snow our heroes (?) finally see a city far of in the distance.
Ivan: "Thank God! Land! I can finally refill my candy reserve!"
Isaac: Well I thought it was extremely hilarious when you temporarily went insane and tried to eat the snow yelling "SUGARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG! Huh no clip? Fine whatever.
Garet: (Eating snow) Mmmmmm… Sugarg…
Isaac: And he still believes it was true… I hate you both and my life.
Connor: Wait a minute!
Crash Big: Don't interrupt! It's just starting to get good.
Connor: But it's still chapter 5!
Crash Big: Yeah I know that's the title…
Connor: Bu… but it defies logic!
Crash Big: Ok fine… I was hoping not to use this spell so soon. EPD!
Connor: (dead)
Crash Big: I'll explain it later but let's finish this story for now.
Isaac: Righhhhhht… Anyway we should get to Imil soon and find the angel.
Garet: Maybe it isn't Imil?
Isaac: I know I'm going to regret asking but why wouldn't the only city that is in the tundra, also known as Imil just to remind you, how could this possibly be IMIL!
Garet: Well we don't know for sure… Maybe it's Prox?
Isaac: What the fuck are you smoking? No you know what let's just get going.
Ivan: SUGARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!
Isaac: And he snaps again… Well who expected that? Oh wait! I did!
Garet: Dick…
Ivan: Penis…
Isaac: Shut up fags. Let's go NOW!
After entering the town our targets are approached by a random villager.
Random Villager: Welcome weary travelers! Welcome to-
Isaac: Yeah. Yeah so is this Imil or what.
Random Villager: Why don't you go talk to our elders in this house right here?
Isaac: Umm… That not what I said… I just want to know the name of this town.
Random Villager: Goodbye and have a good time in this little village of ours.
Isaac: I already hate this place. Well we got nowhere else to go let's go continue the main plot.
So the three enter the house pointed out to them by Random Villager. [Who was rightfully named in my opinion]
Isaac: Hello is anybody home?
Old Woman: Yes! Young ones! Please help me! My husband, Old Man is very sick! Please get the healer Mia from the shrine!
Isaac: One. Stop yelling. Two. I'll take this. (opens chest, takes empty bottle) Really? Is everyone high! Who puts a fucking empty bottle in a chest!
Old Woman: Yes, yes. Please take our precious treasure as payment. Just please bring Mia here.
Isaac: Fine… Garet, Ivan. Take "care of" the old woman and her husband while I'm gone.
Garet: No prob boss man dude guy!
Ivan: But I wantz me somo candy!
Isaac leaves and begins to walk slowly around the village. After about thirty minutes he decides that Garret and Ivan have had ample time to complete their assignment.
Isaac: Okay that should be enough time… So where is the shrine? (looks up) Oh well I guess I pulled a Garret. (enters shrine)
Bitchy Boy: Hello mister. Do you have any business here?
Isaac: Yeah I'm look for someone.
Bitchy Boy: Aren't we all, handsome.
Isaac: Haha… What?
Bitchy Boy: Unfortunately for you I've already got a man in my life.
Isaac: …
Bitchy Boy: He should be back soon. He is the preacher you know! I'm so lucky! You might have better luck with Mia though. She just went to check on the town elders. Goodbye now. I need to go to the backroom and prepare the bed for when the priest comes back. (leaves)
Isaac: …
Isaac: …
Isaac: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!
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Isaac heads back to the elders house old to find a blue haired woman standing over Old Man and Garret giving Old Woman a shoulder massage and Ivan giving her a foot massage.
Isaac: What the hell guys! I thought I told you to kill these old people.
Garet: But you said take care of them.
Ivan: So we did. Are you finally proud of us?
Isaac: Of course not. You didn't kill the old people!
Garet: They have names you know.
Mia: Did someone say something about killing the elders?
Isaac: Umm… No?
Mia: Oh too bad… Truth is I've been trying to kill them for a while now. In their will they are leaving everything to me so I have been giving them poison instead of medicine for a while now.
Old Woman: We can hear you…
Old Man: (moans)
Mia: Actually you are pretty cute. Wanna go have sex at the shine? That weird kid and the priest should be finishing up right about now.
Isaac: Well the truth is… What! Wait! Sex? Later guys!
Suddenly a bright blue light filled the room.
Mia: Huh that came from the direction of the… Oh no! My stash! (Mia runs off)
Isaac: But… Sex?
Ivan: Don't worry. I'll help you get laid if you get me some candy.
Garet: Lego my ego!
Isaac: I agree… We should go check out that light. Plus I will bang that blue-haired chick if it's the last thing I do!
Ivan: You understood him?
Isaac: Idiot is a universal language.
Ivan: Ok then…
Isaac: Oh right! So Old Man, what is the name of this village anyway?
Old Man: This is… Sparta… (dies)
Old Woman: (crying) At least he died telling a joke. I'm sure that made him happy in his last moments. Thank you kind young man.
Isaac: I definitely hate this place. Ok let's go to the light!
Garet: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ivan: What wrong now retard?
Garet: But my mommy always said to stay away from the light.
Isaac: Really? I expected your parents to say run to the light as fast as your little legs will take you.
Garet: Wait… Did you just call me a retard?
Isaac: Can we just go without a lame dialogue for once?
Later. At the base of the Mercury Lighthouse.
Mia: No~ (sob) I can't find my key.
Isaac: Need any help my fair lady?
Mia: Well~ If you can move this statue I will screw your brains out.
Isaac: Done and done! (uses psynergy to move the statue blocking the entrance)
Mia: Yay! I can go check on my stash now!
Isaac: So… about that screw?
Mia: You can collect that later but right now I need your help to get to the top to the lighthouse.
Garet: Shiny… (looking up)
Ivan: This is so cool. (looking up)
Isaac: What? (looks up [Well who expected that? Oh wait! I did! And so did you! Who's a smart reader? You are! Yes you are!])
Mia: I hope this lighthouse isn't lit yet.
Isaac: Well before we begin this tremendous journey… I just have one more question.
Mia: What is it?
Isaac: What is the name of this damned town!?! It smells bad, all the people are sick and dying, I've wanted to leave a place so bad, and it has no morals what so ever!
Mia: New Jersey.
Isaac: Yeah that figures.
Crash Big: Woo! This might actually be better than quite a bit of my previous work. I've been working on this for 3 hours straight! That includes the hour that I went to Preston's and played Brawl. R.O.B. kicks ass!
Connor: (dead and charred)
Crash Big: Right… Well you see my element is lightning so I used one of my stronger spells. EPD stand for Electric Pulse Disabler. Basically it stops your heart. Well I've mastered necromancy too so he will he alive again soon enough. Bye everyone! Please review!