A/N: Oh my god, school's so hard this year. It's my last year before highschool so there'll be tests and other atractions. Joy.
Anyway, I won't have so much time to update any of my fics, just so you know.
Edited by FABULOUS Francesca! Thanks for everything you did for me.
Here ya go, Old Man. I hope I made your dreams come true by writing in this blue, flowery shit. Do you really enjoy it sooo much? So much that you kept nagging me to write more everyday?
Well, let me tell ya something: My life isn't worth writing about. What am I, an obsessive, in-denial, homosexual avenger who has a thing for snakes and little blond boys, like some individual who will forever stay unnamed in my journal because his name isn't worth mentioning (Sasuke Uchiha)? Or an impotent with long, girly hair and constantly popping out veins near his freakishly white eyes whose name also won't be mentioned here (Neji Hyuuga)?
Just in case you haven't noticed (you're not very observant) I'm not. I'm plain, average (And THANK GOD for that) Nara Shikamaru, with an enormous, troublesome brain.
Honestly, my family wasn't killed by an asshole in an over-sized coat with puffy red clouds and purple nail polish (Though, sometimes I wish it was) and I DO NOT look girly with long hair. At least, when it's up. Which is all the time.
So, what am I supposed to write about? Huh? HUH?
See? My life is boring and troublesome. Nothing to write about, so stop making those father-to-son moments, 'cause it makes me sick. Blech.
Affectionate father, don't make me laugh.
"Now, that was just rude."
"What do you mean by that? He's just being sincere."
"Well, yea, but here I am, trying to be a good parent, and what do I get? My own son makes fun of me!"
"You're only being so affectionate towards him lately, only so you can make fun of him."
Silence. And then, "Shut up, Inochi."
Snickers. "So, you admit that I'm right?"
"Oh, shut up, I said. You're enjoying it too."
Denial is self-destruction, so the blonde kept his mouth shut.
Did I mentioned that my life sucks and that women are troublesome? If not, I'll do it.
My life sucks and women are troublesome.
Oooooh. My intelligence sure is shining through right now. I'm so proud of myself. This is the conclusion I make after 15 years living a troublesome life. Most impressive, Nara Shikamaru. You really outdid yourself.
But hey, just how many would actually admit it (Especially the second part) aloud? Not many, I'm sure. Not Naruto. Not Hinata, Ino, Sakura, Tenten and the whole female population on earth.
And not you, Old Man.
I'm not a genius for nothing, you know. I AM smart and I know it. The proof is above.
"Actually, I agree with him on that. His life really does suck and women really are troublesome."
"I think I heard your wife coming, Shikato."
The dark haired man looked around frantically, before jumping into the closet in mere seconds. Chuckles filled the room.
"Did you see that, Chomaru? The 'Old Man' is afraid of his wife!" An elbow made its way towards the plump stomach. Shikato scowled slipping down the furniture.
"I am not afraid. It's just...better safe than sorry, right?"
The only answer he got were doubtful stares, so the three of them concentrated once again on the notebook on one's lap.
I decided to ditch the entry titles. Too troublesome, as if my life wasn't a hassle already.
It's just stupid irony, you know? The laziest person on earth is 'blessed' with the biggest brain and strategic skills. Damn irony, if I could I'd kill it. With an old kunai. Not a sharp one, too.
-Insert a brownish, unrecognizable spot here- Whoops! My bad, the chocolate had to drip of a little. Oh well, it's better than those bloody flowers anyway.
Yes, I'm eating chocolate now. It's good, you know? But only melted, chewing is troublesome too. Like, a creamy, milky chocolately...chocolate...melting even more in your mouth, sticking everywhere with its' rich sweetness.
Mmmm...Melted chocolate...
I have a few tubes with chocolates, here with me. Not giving any to you, though. Don't bother asking. Everyone has their weaknesses, right? If Chouji can like EVERYTHING that in the slightest resembles food, I can like melted chocolate.
I'm sucking on one tube right now, you know. Mmmm...So good...makes you wanna eat some right now, ne? You have this I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR MELTED CHOCOLATE IN A TUBE RIGHT NOW feeling, right? Well, I'm not sharing.
Go, suck on your own tube...Alright, that didn't sound right. You get the point, nevertheless.
"Why does he have to be so mean? I raised him up, worked myself numb just to teach him how to behave...and he even doesn't want to give me his chocolate!"
"...Actually, I have a craving for chocolate too. That sounded...delicious."
Snickers. "Well, then why won't you suck on your own tube, Inochi?"
"...That...that was disturbing. Don't say such things."
"Why? I meant innocent chocolate in a tube, available in every store. Did you have any associations?"
"Stop it. You know what I meant, Shikato!"
"Who, me? Noooo, I have no idea. Do you, Chomaru?"
Munching sounds. "Don't mess me into it. I was against meeting up with you and reading this stuff in the first place."
"Just...stop saying suggestive comments."
"How am I supposed to know what's suggestive? You sound more perverted than me."
"How could I sound more perverted?"
"Well, you had some associations."
"Well...I... You...Just..."
"Hey, not my fault like father like son."
And no one had anything to say after that comment.
Shitfuck, my life just... Just...
Sucks. That's what it does.
Yea, yea, I know. 'What a friggin' revelation, Shikamaru! HOLY SHIT HOW DID YOU NOTICE!'. Shut up. All of you.
My life just took a rather rapid and sudden turn. A turn for the worse, for sure.
I still have a hard time believing that something like that would happen to me, but...the evidence is few meters from me.
It's even more troublesome than being promoted to chuunin.
It's...as pathetic and innocent as it sounds...it's...
A hamster. I have a hamster.
Hammy the hamster.
Oh, joy.
Snigger. "I knew it'd work."
"What would work, Shikato? Do you have something to do with 'Hammy the hamster'?" Inochi inquired, tearing his eyes from the journal.
Shikato smirked. "Of course. Recently, my son was kind off...slacking off. And he hasn't written anything, claiming that his life is too boring to write about it. So..." –enter evil laugh here- "I got him a pet. A hamster."
Chomaru and Inochi stared at their friend blankly.
"Why a hamster?" Chomaru finally spoke, breaking the silence.
"Well...I wanted to give him a dog, but...I thought it was too much. A widdle, cute hammy-poo... it's enough to motivate anyone."
"He doesn't seem too enthusiastic about it."
Shikato rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it. At least he has something to write about."
I know what's in your mind, idiots. You all see a fluffy ball of sweetness with big, sparkling eyes just begging to be cuddled and cared for forever- well, you're so wrong I don't know where to begin.
Alright.
From what I know, hamsters are supposed to be cute, funny balls of fluff. They're supposed to love their owners and always help them with...everything.
ALL LIES!
Hamsters are not funny. At least, Hammy isn't. Cute, maybe-Until...
Yea, it's all sweet and all until it bares his big teeth, grinning madly.
Don't ask me how hamsters grin. I just know it. I'm a genius so I always know.
Back to Hammy. When I put my hand into his cage for the first time, I took it out with Hammy, firmly holding onto it with his teeth.
CHRIST.
I wasn't expecting it. Blood started dripping down my fingers, and Hammy was still biting my hand so...I started shaking my hand like a madman and...And...
Nevermind. Hammy let me go, eventually.
All that's left to say, Hammy and me aren't on friendly terms since then.
Actually, I'm afraid of feeding him since then. I see him, lying in his cage, shapeless pile of fur...I bet he's planning something evil. I can feel it.
...Or maybe it's dead or dying. I haven't seen him move recently.
And it stinks.
"Whoa, that sounds rather unpleasant. Changed my opinion about hamsters, totally." Inochi commented.
"Yea. And Hammy is so cute, too...Who would've expected?"
Silence.
"Hey, Shikato...Can you show us Hammy? I'm kinda curious how it looks like and Shikamaru hasn't written anything about it..."
Chuckle. "Sure. It's in Shikamaru's room."
"Are you serious? They...they could kill each other. Or at least bite."
"Nah. As long as Hammy is inside the cage, it's safe. Although, Shikamaru used to wake up, screaming 'ANYTHING BUT THE HAMSTERS!' for the first few days.
As if the hamster wasn't enough, Ino had to butt into my life again.
Don't you think you did enough by giving me this...this...blue, FLUFFY notebook with flowers AND forcing me into writing in it?
You just had to come and torture me with your high-pitched voice, eh?
Good thing for her I have enormous patience. Or else she'd be kunaied up to the moon by now.
So, yea. She came and started gushing about Hammy- stuff that's not even worth mentioning.
But then...then came the final blow.
Looks like I'm no longer Nara Shikamaru, a plain Konoha ninja.
I'm Nara Shikamaru, the shadow master!
Just kidding. Ino wouldn't that be nice. The real title is...
-Dramatic pause-
...Wait a little more...
Nara Shikamaru, the PINEAPPLE ninja.
I love it. It sounds so...tough and frightening, doesn't it?
WATCH OUT! THE PINEAPPLE IS COMING! RUUUUUUUN!
Of course, we know the reason. She's just jealous of me being a chuunin.
I was so shocked that I accused her of jealousy ( ahem, JACKET, anyone?) and likening my new clothes. Bad move, pineapple boy.
She laughed and laughed and laughed.
I thought she was going to suffocate. Unfortunately, no.
She said it was because of my ponytail.
I'll repeat.
MY PONYTAIL.
That kind of haircut was in my family for ages and no one, NO ONE, ever DARED to say that it makes you look like a pineapple.
Where's the love? Where's the respect from my youth?
Ha. Ha. Ha.
I sound like an old man.
Oh no, wait. I sound like an old PINEAPPLE.
Well, INO if I'm a pineapple then you are...(damn, Inochi is reading)...
...A cauliflower.
I am a chuunin.
You aren't.
I have a flak, green jacket.
You don't.
I'm smart.
You're not.
I could go on for ages lie this. Conclusion: I MAY be a pineapple but I'm a COOL pineapple. You're a dumb and ugly cauliflower.
End of the story.
Lord. Pineapple...Knowing my rotten luck, I'll be scarred for life.
THANK YOU, Ino.
Just please, don't be surprised when one day I'll come to your room at night and...
(Inochi held his breath. )
...
What do pineapples do when they're angry?
Oh, I know.
...And I'll explode. Covering you, your room with PINAPPLE juice.
Yummy. As a sign of my appreciates.
Now, excuse me, but me, my flak jacket and pineapple topknot are going on a CHUUNIN meeting.
HEAR THAT, INO? I said A CHUUUNIN MEETING.
Welcome to the life of Nara Shikamaru the pineapple and Hammy the Hamster.
Oh. My. God.
"The kid seems to have some complexes."
"Yea. I agree."
You know what happens. Silence.
"Actually, my little baby was right. You DO look like pineapples."
Knuckles cracking.
"Said something, Inochi?"
"...Nope."
Smart guy, that's what's left to say.
Chomaru sighed.
Will this ever end?
A/N: Don't you hate it, when authors leave their stories unfinished? I do. And now, I'm doing just the same. Oh, the irony. Important note about it:
Shikamaru and humor DON'T match when it comes to my writing. Actually, Shika+humor by me equals terribly, horrible OOCness.
Shikamaru ISN'T an easy person to write about. He doesn't have any obsession, demon sealed inside him or not even an inner voice.Except his life being boring (let's face it; we mere human being can't understand the land of geniuses.) I can't keep the thing IC, because the REAL Shikamaru would never write a diary. Simple as it is. It's too troublesome for him to write anything, diary at most. As a result, this fic is officialy on hiatus.