Note: I wanted to thank all of you for your wonderful reviews. I love you all. You are the reason I write... well, you and the fact that I can't get this damned idea out of my head. Thank you all again. I hope you like this chapter as much as you liked the last one.

Warning: Warning: This will have slash pairings (for those of you who don't know what that is, it's boyxboy) so if you are somehow offended by this then I have on thing to say to you LEAVE! I will not get flamed just because someone doesn't like a pairing. Language is also an issue, and both are in effect in this chapter. Though mildly.

Disclaimer: It's sad, but the only way in which I own Kingdom Hearts is in a little case downstairs in my game cabinet. Other than that, Squeenix gets all the credit.

If Only There Was You

By: Ayumi Kairo

Chapter II: What I Really Want

POV: Axel

Time: 6:25 am

Location: The castle that never was

I placed Roxas on his bed and stepped back to watch him. He had fallen back asleep in my arms just moments ago. His sleep wasn't peaceful, the restlessness apparent by the constant tossing and turning of his small body. The withdrawal, I knew, could keep a person in a hazy conscience for awhile. His trembles would only get worse before they got better. This weakness in his lithe form would need to be waited out. I didn't know if I could watch another person go through it.

I remembered the first time I'd felt this. It had been right after I had joined the organization. Had just gone through withdrawal myself. I was still somewhat recovering when someone else had stumbled upon us. He was sick, more so I had been, and I didn't quite know how someone could go through that kind of pain. He had been screaming for days. DiZ had told me no one had had it quite that bad before.

Demyx had only been fourteen when he came to us. A little fourteen-year-old boy, scared and helpless. DiZ had taken him in almost instantly, though admitted later that he hadn't known that Demyx had even become a Nobody. He didn't deny that Demyx needed help though, and put him in the room next to mine. I had only been sixteen then.

I remembered Demyx's first week here. He had stayed in his room for most of the days, not able to walk on his own. That had done nothing to help and he quickly made himself more sick than before. I had grown so worried and ended up staying in his room almost every night. During those nights Demyx and I had become really good friends. Of course, when I found myself fully recovered and Demyx far from it, I had become anxious and worried.

I tore my eyes away from Roxas and moved to the door of his room. I opened it softly and stepped out, trying my hardest not to wake the younger boy. My thoughts drifted back to a different blond once more as I walked down the hall.

When I had asked DiZ when Demyx was going to recover the older man had looked sadly at me and sighed.

"Demyx will never truly recover, Axel. He will always be in much more pain than anyone else here." Were his words that night and they still stung at my non-existent heart.

Demyx was someone who had fought the darkness to the very end, but was unable to fully pull it off. Demyx's heart had been ripped from his chest, and in a desperate attempt to hold onto it, Demyx had fought back. His heart had been torn in two, half gone, half left inside him. He always had a little piece of his heart within his grasp. He would always be fighting the darkness to keep that little piece of his heart inside him. Demyx would suffer to the very end.

I couldn't help but make connections between Demyx and Roxas now. The pain seemed so much more real for them than it had been for me. It was as if Roxas still had a piece of his heart left inside him, just out of reach. He would suffer too, for a long time.

I walked down the hall in sort of a daze, something that I was actually pretty used to. I was usually alone in this hallway so this wass when I did most of my thinking. And my thoughts were anything but welcoming.

All last night I had sat on the bathroom floor, Roxas in my arms. His hair had been so slick with sweat, as was the rest of his body. Yet, he couldn't stop shivering. His whole body racked with what seemed to be uncontrollable sobs, but he wasn't crying. Just trembling, trembling madly. It wasn't the best night in my life, but I couldn't help thinking that I was meant to be there. I was meant to be the one to take care of him. I surely felt obligated to.

Then again, there was my conversation with DiZ last night. He had kept me from taking Roxas to his room on my own, had kept me from making sure he was okay. The entire time I was holding Roxas to me last night, I couldn't get DiZ's words out of my head.

"Don't get too attached to him, Axel." DiZ had said, insisting on using my name just like every time he spoke to me. He acted as if I wasn't paying attention.

"I'm not." I had retorted, "I'm just worried."

"You don't need to be getting involved with someone like him." DiZ had turned then, and I had taken the gesture as my cue to leave him.

I still didn't understand it. What was so wrong with Roxas that DiZ wouldn't want me to get involved with him? Roxas was just like the rest of us, alone, heartless. What was so different about him? DiZ had never had a problem with the rest of us becoming friends, and even more than that. We all watched out for each other, like a family. Why couldn't Roxas be a part of it?

I was only vaguely aware that it had only been a few hours since I had brought Roxas here. Already, I was acting as if he belonged with us. As if he wasn't a stranger. It was true though, Roxas did belong here. Why else would DiZ have wanted me to go looking for him last night. Given that was what he had sent me to do in the first place. I didn't know, DiZ's orders were never very clear.

That still didn't explain why I had come across the young blond last night though. Why I had caught him just as he was about to fall. I'd admit, I wasn't expecting him to crush me like that. But he hadn't crushed me. I had known he would fall and caught him just as he had done so. I had been the only one to see him all night. I had been sent out to find something and I had. I had found him. Shivering and frightened Roxas. Why would I not want to get involved with someone that seemed so helpless? He was nothing but a threat to himself right now.

Ugh… Now I was getting a headache. I hated trying to wrap my head around things I didn't understand. And that didn't happen very often.

I didn't want to go to my own room, knowing the red paint would only intensify my headache. So I turned to the door just before mine, with the number IX written on the top. Demyx's room. I turned the knob quietly, knowing he never locked his door, and walked in.

Demyx's room was painted cool light and dark blues. His element being water, the colors suited him well. His bed was an aquamarine color, sheets and all. And currently there was some blond hair poking out from the top of those oceanic covers. I walked lazily to the side of his bed, a plan forming the entire time.

3...2...1!

I leapt onto the bed right beside him and sent him flying in the air a few feet. A shocked, but muffled yelp was heard as he went airborne and came crashing back down. He was already cursing me before he could fully disentangle himself from the blankets.

"Fuckin' A, Axel!" He yelled and I smirked widely. If looks could kill, I would have burned in hell twice now.

"Good morning." I said, no traces of my previous brooding mood left in my voice. I laughed as he shook his head disapprovingly at my antics. I could always get a good laugh from Demyx. When he heard my chuckles he promptly flew back onto his side and tried to fake sleep. "Oh Demyx," I protested, "don't leave me here all alone. No one else is awake."

"And for good reason, Ax, it's…" he looked to his nightstand, which held a small alarm clock, "fuckin' six-thirty in the morning. Go back to fuckin' sleep."

"Can't." I said simply and laid my head on his hip where it protruded from the blankets. I traced little lines up his spine and he shivered against my touch. He swatted my hand away.

"Well, stop bothering me so I can." He said, his voice muffled again because he had thrown the cover over his head. I didn't stop in my torments with my finger. I knew he wouldn't be able to ignore me. Demyx hated it whenever someone touched his spine.

"Alright," he said turning to face me now, "I'm up, I'm up."

I smiled triumphantly and he rolled his eyes dramatically. I felt my stomach cringe when he did that. There, in that twilight that engulfed his room in the early morning hours, his oceanic blue eyes held shone brightly. Sparkling with… something. I couldn't quite put my finger it, but I knew it was something I wanted to take away. Pain? Sorrow? Was I just imagining things?

Demyx's eyes had always held that there I knew, but now it seemed different. Now, it was like a secret we kept with each other. I was the only one who knew of his pain and he wanted me to take it away. I didn't know why these thoughts flooded my mind now, but I had a feeling it wasn't a coincidence. Something had happened to me. Something that I couldn't explain and I was more than a little frightened of it.

When had these thoughts even started? I had known Demyx was in pain, a pain even I couldn't imagine, since he came to us. A pain that he hadn't expressed to anyone. A pain that he and I knew he was suffering from.

"Are you okay?" He asked, not completely pulling me from my thoughts. I didn't stop staring into his eyes. Eyes that always held the remnants of tears he wouldn't allow to fall to the ground. Eyes that looked at me the same way every time I caught them with my own. And yet, they were more familiar now than ever before.

Roxas. That was when it had started. When I looked into Roxas' eyes the night before as he pleaded for me to stay with him. His eyes had looked the same as Demyx's did right now. So full of pain, and confusion. Pain and confusion that I so desperately wanted to take away, but didn't know how.

"Don't get too attached to him, Axel."

DiZ's words kept playing in my head. Over and over and over. With the memory I said them out loud, eliciting a raised eyebrow from Demyx. He was just getting more and more confused and it was my fault. It was all my fault.

Roxas' confused eyes merged with Demyx's and I found myself looking into both of them with my own tear filled green ones. I wanted nothing more than to take that confusion away. To show them both I understood.

But I didn't understand.

Demyx's pain. Roxas' confusion. I didn't understand it at all, and they knew it.

I traced my hand up Demyx's chest, circling the place where his heart should have been when I got there. I felt his muscles constrict when I reached it. A low hiss escaped his lips. When I pressed harder, my hand was torn away from his flesh. I looked up into Demyx's eyes, that were currently filled with more pain than I'd ever seen them.

"S..st..stop." He managed to say through jagged breaths. "Gods, just stop it. That hurts."

Of course it did. That was why I had done it. I looked back down to where my fingers had touched his chest. Small lines traced where my fingers had been. Burning through the skin slightly.

A small moan of protest shot from Demyx's mouth as my own found its way to his flat abdomen. I lightly brushed my lips against the area that I had touched, soothing the burns with my kisses. My tongue darted out when I got to the particular spot above his heart. Demyx had long since stopped protesting and melted against me. He seemed so fragile and young in that point.

"I want to know." I said, making my way up to be level with him. I dragged my tongue along the shell of his ear. He hissed again, this time, no where close to pain. "I want to know what it's like."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, looking into my acidic eyes, his own darkened with lust and something else. Anger?

"Your pain," I said quickly before he could reject me, "I want to know."

He sighed heavily and his eyes fell away, looking at my chest instead. The pain was back, the lust gone.

"No, Axel." He said simply.

"Why!"

I sat up, angry but not sure why. I saw him rub his shoulder at the spot I had just pushed off from.

"Why, what?" He asked calmly. He wasn't angry, I knew, but he was frustrated.

"Why won't you show me?" I could feel the tears welled in my eyes.

"Show you what, Axel, what do you want from me?" His voice seemed hurt, like I had said something to offend him. "What is this about?"

Instantly, my thoughts traveled to another young blond lying in his bed, shivering and sweating from a pain I could only imagine now. Everything here seemed to come down to him. I just wasn't able to admit it aloud.

"I just want to know." I said softly. "Why aren't you angry? Why aren't you sharing this with me?"

"Is that what you want," he asked confusedly, "for me to be angry with you?"

"Yes!" I screamed. Gods, why didn't he get it? I had been deprived of all feeling for a very long time, I needed something. And if that something was pain, then so be it.

"I'm not angry with you, Axel, I just don't understand." His voice was still as calm as ever. When had we switched roles? When had I become the immature, young one?

"I hurt you, damn it Demyx, I deliberately hurt you," I was standing now, "and you just sit there acting as if nothing is wrong. I hurt you and you know it, yet you do nothing. I want to know what it's like to have that pain. I need to know."

"You're tired, and you're obviously mad about something, Ax, you don't know what you need." He spoke with finality.

"Don't you understand, I do need to. It's been so long since I've felt anything, anything at all and…" I broke off dropping back down onto the bed.

"And what?"

"…And he's… he's so… alone." I said.

"Ahh," Demyx said in realization, "so that's what this is about. You don't need me to show you anything."

I looked up, about to protest, but he held his hand out to stop me. He took my hand in his and pulled me closer. With his other hand he guided my head to his chest, where I planted my ear. I could hear the faint beat of his heart. I smiled slightly at the thought of it.

"This has nothing to do with you knowing his pain, Axel." He said, his voice much clearer than the beat in his chest. "You know what he's going through even without going through it yourself."

I looked back up at him. He stroked my unruly red hair and kissed the top of my head. I closed my eyes against his touch.

"You know, because it's no different from your pain. If you hadn't gone through it yourself, how could you have reassured him all last night while you laid with him. Rocking him to sleep, no doubt, just like you did to me two years ago." Demyx's voice had grown somewhat distant, as if he were reliving a memory. I nodded at his words.

"Granted, you have your days," he continued and looked me in the eye again, "you're a nurturer at heart, whether you'd like to admit it or not."

He was going by past experiences with me. Like when he had first come here. I had stayed with him, in this very room, for weeks. Trying my damnedest to get him to feel better. It was funny to confess, but I hated seeing people in pain. Especially if I could do nothing to stop it.

"How is the kid, anyway?" He asked, sobering and I was pulled from my own thoughts.

"Hardly a kid," I said sitting up strait and running a hand through my hair, "he's only about a year younger than you. If that."

"He's new to us," Demyx argued, "he's a kid."

I wasn't that Demyx was bitter. He just knew that there was a lot Roxas was going to have to go through. He was right, compared to us, Roxas was a child. He was just starting to grow up. We had had to do that very quickly. Though, this experience would give him a head start down that road.

I creased my brow in thought. What would Roxas really have to go through here? It was always different for all of the rest of us. I had lost most of my memories, though some still stuck with me. Demyx was still in pain to this day. The rest of us had to go through some traumatic event to become a nobody, and then live with the decision of never going back to the way we were. Roxas didn't even remember who he was. It was understandable, he was in a lot of pain right now. Yet, to forget everything. Even who he used to be. I wondered what had happened to him. Would he ever be the same? Not that I had any say, I hadn't known him before.

"You should back to him." Demyx's words caught me off guard. He shifted on his bed so he could stand up. He turned back to look at me. "You would feel better."

It was true. I would feel better if I could stay with him, but DiZ had given me specific orders. I wasn't to stay too close to him. I wasn't to get involved. DiZ was so confusing at times. He wouldn't have sent me to Twilight Town if he hadn't thought I would find something. Yet, after I find it, he wants me to stay away. I knew, it was too late now. I was too far involved. I needed to be beside him. I needed to know he was safe. I was the one who saved him, the one he clung to so desperately last night.

It was weird really, how much I actually cared for him. I had only known him for a few hours. Already, I wanted nothing more than to get him through the pain. I wanted to hold him again, wanted to whisper into his ear. To know that I was needed was a great feeling, and I didn't want to let it go.

So why had I left? Why had I walked down the hall into the room of a person who clearly didn't need me anymore. Demyx was right, I was a nurturer by nature. I needed to be needed. Sometimes that was a blessing, sometimes a curse. I wasn't sure which it was this time, but I was determined to find out.

I left Demyx's room without so much as a goodbye, but he wouldn't hold it against me. I was the sort of person that could only focus on one thing. He knew that Roxas was that one thing right now. I wanted to thank him, for that little time we'd just spent together was more than enlightening.

I didn't need to know what Demyx felt every time I touched him. His still beating heart had nothing to do with Roxas or myself. All that mattered was that I stayed with him, got him through this. Soon he would be better, I knew it. Yet, until then, he needed me.

With that thought driving me I walked back to his room quickly. When I opened the door I was greeted by the sight of frightened, tear-filled sapphire eyes. The sight was enough to rip the heart I once possessed out of my chest. Roxas really did need me. I couldn't leave him. And maybe I needed this just as much as he did.

He was still trembling, not that I had thought he would stop, and when the door had swung open he had started to fall. I caught him again, relieved that his thin body did not hit the ground.

"How many times am I going to have to save you?" I asked, my voice a lot calmer than I felt.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. He curled into my arms, his legs unable to hold him upright. I took my time in lifting him off the ground. He was really light, and the slightest of movement would hurt him. I never considered myself a heavy person, but the feel of him against me was amazing. He was so little, so lithe. It was almost scary.

"Don't be sorry," I said reassuringly, "just stop moving."

I think I got a chuckle from him then. The sound was wonderful, and I found myself smiling. I placed him back on his bed and climbed in beside him, my body acting as a barrier between him and the floor.

I guess I decided then that I was going to stay with him, for I fell back to sleep within a few minutes. My arms never left his small waist.

Note: Okay so go easy on me. This is the first time I've written from Axel's POV, and I think it's a little OOC. I know that it works for the story, and Axel can be angsty, but did I go overboard? I don't know. Well, tell me what you think. Someone else will be introduced in the next chapter or so, then the story will really pick up. Okay, just like to thank you all again. Review please?

Ayumi