Okay, I'm bad. Not only have I put two Harry Potter stories on hold, but I'm writing this instead of my three Rent fics. But this...it's just a naughty diversion. Bound to only be around...10 Chapters? Short chapters too. Maybe more, but they're going to be short.

This is a crackfic, let's just get that straight. I've never written anything like this, so be kind...or don't. But no matter what you've got to say, review. But understand that this is somewhat of a parody, it's not supposed to be exactly true to the series. Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter 1: Wherein Our Story Begins...

"You…are…beautiful," The Dark Lord breathed, sending shivers down Draco's spine.

"Yeah," he said, continuing to look down at the floor. "I've always thought so." Why the heck was he here? Did Lucius just enjoy making him meet the Dark Lord over and over? He probably did, that sadistic bastard.

"It's a shame you don't have a sister," he continued, ignoring Draco's comment. "There aren't words…"

Draco's fear was being replaced by discomfort. What was the Dark Lord getting at? "Yeah, it's a shame."

"Did your father tell you why you came here?" The Dark Lord changed subjects abruptly.

"No," Draco admitted. "He never tells me much of anything," he said under his breath and yet knowing that the Dark Lord could hear every word.

"He never was one for elaboration, at least not when it came to speaking," the Dark Lord confessed. "Well, I shan't keep you in suspense." He paused as if for dramatic effect. "I want you to be my…companion…if that's the right word.

Draco frowned. Companion? What the hell did that mean?

"I've made no secret of my affections for you," he went on.

"Well," Draco began. "I'm very fond of you as well…"

"Good," the Dark Lord's distorted lips widened into a sort of smile. "I'm glad to hear that."

Draco saw the Dark Lord's hand snaking over to his wand.

"What happened to you being fond of me?" He squeaked out desperately. If Lucius could see him now, cowering in the face of most certain death. Apparently the Dark Lord's fondness could be counted on for nothing.

"Silly boy, I'm not going to kill you," he chuckled like he was in on some private joke. "I'm just going to…Femintato!"

Draco felt strange for an instant. Almost as if he were being swirled around, similar to the feeling of being Apparated. The feeling dissipated, but left a strange sense of self-crisis that Draco would have to deal with at another time.

"Perfect," the Dark Lord said, clapping his hands a bit. "It's perfect."