The Four and a Half Doctors Part One

Notes: I guess this is a little parody-like in it's own way. It's also very silly, but I am determined to bring the kind of Team Rocket humour I've always enjoyed in the Pokemon section to the world of Who. The Doctors were chosen because I like them. :) And also because I wanted a 'reverse the polarity of the neutron flow' joke, and no one does that quite like Three.

And yes, I know it's irritating, but I'll be using numbers as names again. But come on, what else can I do? If I describe them every single time they speak or move I'll run out of stereotypical phrases such as 'frilly' and 'big nose' and it'll all become terribly boring. Hence, numbers. In the words of Nate-Dogg, the great chav, 'deal wit it homies'.

This is dedicated to my lovely Morph. It's not a better with three, but since I managed to miss your birthday in an outstanding way due to Skegness and I doubt Cossie will have, this is my contribution. Happy birthday my Aussie pal. Here's to hoping you get Tooth and Claw soon…legally of course…:)

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The Doctor yawned lazily, rubbed his eyes, and gave a cry of horror and shock. Three shadows loomed menacingly over his bed, each with their own strange silhouettes. One was on the short side compared to the others, and his clothing held the suggestion of vegetables. One had remarkable ears. The other was slightly frilly.

"Doctor," said one grimly, in an accent that sounded suspiciously Northern.

There was a stifled giggle. "We've come for you…" said the short one, trying to sound impressive.

There was an irritated sigh and Mr Frills pointed something at the light switch. With a whirr and a click, light flooded the room. Mr Frills glared at the shorter man.

"Don't be so childish," he snapped. The young blond tried to stop smiling and muttered a half-hearted apology.

The Doctor lay back in bed, his hearts thumping a little irrationally. "Don't you ever do that again."

Nine looked at him. "I'm a bit pretty," he said dismissively.

"Yes well, one can never be quite happy with a replacement," said Five, grimacing just a little.

Three glowered. "I've always found predecessors to be far more infuriating."

Ten sat up again before Three could start ranting and said quickly, "Not that I'm not thrilled at the thought of another reunion, but why are you three in my bedroom?"

Nine looked suddenly suspicious. "What's that in your bed?"

"What?"

"Just there," said Nine, pointing. "The lump. What is it?"

"What the--?"

"Is that Rose?" he interrupted, looking very dangerous.

Ten raised an eyebrow. "It's a pillow."

"That's alright then."

A shrill ringing cut the tension and all four Doctors started rummaging about their persons.

"It's mine," said the Third Doctor, bringing what looked like a small suitcase from one of his pockets. Evidently the TARDIS was not the only thing to be dimensionally transcendental. He opened it up and got out something that looked like a small silver brick with a screen on the front and a very retro keypad. Ten had to conceal his grin as the antenna was unfolded with much deliberation.

"When you four are quite finished, I would rather like to return to my own TARDIS in my own time! It's ridiculous that future versions of myself cannot cope with the simple task of getting me home!" yelled a tinny but definitely grumpy voice. No one else sounded quite like him; it had to be One.

"Yeah, yeah, we'll be ready in a minute, we just need to get the Pretty Boy dressed," yelled Nine back. Three said goodbye politely and began folding the device away again.

"What the heck is that thing?" asked Ten over his shoulder as he rummaged in his wardrobe, slinging a tie around his neck.

"It's a portable broadcasting transmitter," said Three haughtily.

"Pocket TV," Nine translated. "And what pockets!"

"So what's going on then? What's the old man done now?" asked Ten as he discarded his pyjama top and fiddled with the tie.

"Long story," said Nine, going over to the bed and promptly making himself comfortable.

"D'you mind? Those cushions are from ancient Grekka!" said Ten indignantly, somehow managing to knot his tie through the button holes of his shirt. Five grinned and went over to give him a hand.

"Doctor? Are you OK? I heard voices," said Rose's voice. Nine looked up slightly as she came in.

What she saw was a man in a frilly shirt with some sort of suitcase, her old Doctor lying on the bed, her new Doctor in just his boxers and a half done up shirt and a young blond man fiddling with his tie.

Five dropped the tie and retreated to a corner as Ten said quickly, "It's not what it looks like."

"'lo Rose," said Nine, waving merrily at her from the bed. She waggled her fingers awkwardly in reply.

"Um," she said, looking around again. "Look, I can come back later if you lot are…busy."

"Let's explain it all over tea, shall we?" suggested Three, offering his arm courteously to her. Completely baffled and more than a little curious, she followed him to the kitchen, throwing little glances at the strange scene she left behind.

"That was a little awkward," said Five after a pause. Ten said nothing and grabbed his trousers.

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Ten minutes later, and all fully dressed, Five, Nine and Ten joined Rose and Three in the kitchen. Rose's face was slightly blackened, and she was throwing water over something.

"It's OK," she said dryly. "He reversed the polarity of the bad lamp."

"I had no idea it would explode!" protested Three hastily, stowing the sonic screwdriver away in his coat. Nine strolled over to a cupboard and ducked as a microwave fell out.

"So that's where that got to," mused Ten.

"What is it with you and kitchen appliances?" asked Rose, wiping her face with a tea towel.

"Just because I found three more uses for a blender…" said Ten with a quirky sort of grin that made Three groan.

"That's not what I meant!" said Rose, somehow managing to look both indignant and embarrassed. Luckily, Five still had the presence of mind to put the kettle on, and had managed to make a pot of tea.

"Where are the Hob Nobs?" he asked brightly, putting the lid on the teapot.

"Third cupboard on the left, above the cooker," said Ten, sitting down with Rose at the rickety wooden table that hadn't really fitted anywhere else. Nine pulled the cupboard door open and narrowly avoided a falling toaster.

"Fourth cupboard on the left then," Ten corrected as Five brought the teapot to the table along with five mugs, one proudly declaring 'World's Greatest Lover'.

"Who on Gallifrey bought you that?" asked Three, picking it up and studying it. Ten blushed a little and tried not to make eye contact with Rose.

Nine scowled.

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I know, I know, it's silly…but still, you're all gagging for the next part aren't you?

Also, is celery a vegetable? I put that cause I could put nothing else, but is it right? Drop me a line, or even better, a review.