Let's just say I have no idea what possessed me to write this. Possibly it was Carbuncle, he's just so cute! Anyway, none of the characters belong to me; they all belong to Square etc.
There's a bit of alcohol consumption in this, so if that offends you then don't read this.
Thanks to Aurenna for editing!
Party Plane
Squall was in the mood for a good fight. With no one he could really take it out on, (Seifer was AWOL, Irvine had disappeared with Selphie, Quistis holed up in her office and Zell too concerned with impressing library girl), Squall headed off to the training centre. Some new monsters had just been imported, and Squall was looking forward to having something challenging to fight there. It was almost depressing the way the grats just kept running from him. Being at level 100 definitely had its perks though.
He wandered through the training centre. A few grats scuttled away hurriedly on catching sight of him, so Squall pressed on. He rounded the corner to where the entrance to the "secret area" and was confronted by the vision of Quistis fighting a snow lion single-handedly. Noticing that it was about to thump her, Squall leapt into the fight, slashing at the monster with the Lion Heart.
"Thanks Squall," yelled Quistis as she too attacked the creature. "These monsters are much harder than what used to be in here!"
Squall nodded curtly, realising that he had blizzard junctioned to his elemental attack, and was only healing the monster each time he attacked it. "I've got blizzard junctioned," he called to Quistis. "I'm going to switch to GFs."
Quistis nodded then jumped back as the snow lion took a swipe at her with its massive tail. "Get on with it then," she said as she narrowly ducked under a second swing.
Squall felt for the forces within him and began the process of summoning Ifrit, the logical choice against a snow creature. He waited briefly for Ifrit to answer his call and was surprised when nothing happened. "Hell Fire!" he called again.
With something akin to shock, Squall realised that the guardian force wasn't going to answer. He tried Diablos, then the Brothers, each with no better luck.
While Squall rapidly tried to figure out what was wrong with the GF's, the snow lion noticed its opponent's lack of attention on the battle at hand.
Squall didn't even see the snow lion coming for him…
On another plane of existence…
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screeched Carbuncle as Eden slowly revolved beneath the gathering. "PAAAAAAARTY!"
"Who gave him sugar?" asked an exasperated Gilgamesh, watching with the rest of the group as the small green GF ran around in circles. "Someone make sure he doesn't fall off the edge, it might take us awhile to find him in forty-two dimensions."
Don't Worry, the awareness that was Eden said them. I Will Make Sure That He Does Not Leave The Vicinity.
"EXCELLENT! BRO, WHERE'S THE BOOZE? I'M SO GONNA WASTE YOU THIS TIME!" Sacred roared.
"Do you really have to yell?" his brother replied. "It's a bit hard on the ears you know."
"SORRY BRO."
Minotaur just rolled his eyes and looked over at Leviathan behind the bar. "Two shots of tequila please."
It wasn't often that the GF's got together like this. With all the wars finally over, and none of the little SeeDs in any current danger, the guardian forces decided to have a little celebration of their own.
Leviathan gave Minotaur a couple of shot glasses. "You'll have to persuade Cactuar if you want any tequila, mate. He's been hogging the stuff all night."
Further along the bar, Diablos was getting very, very drunk. Boy, was Shiva looking hot tonight. She had exchanged her usual fighting garb for a long, clingy, ice-blue dress, (what other colour?), and was sitting just two seats away from Diablos, chatting with Siren. All he wanted was a piece of that round arse…
"Diablos, what are you doing with your tail?"
"Nothing, Shiva, darling," he said contritely, trying not to slur his words. The fact that he hadn't removed his tail from her seat was something else entirely. Oops. Guiltily he moved it away slowly, hoping that she hadn't noticed. The glare she shot him said otherwise. Frigid bitch…
At the opposite end of the bar, Doomtrain was also playing barman. He had shrunk himself to fit on the bar, and was shuttling drinks backwards and forwards between the bar and the tables. Currently loaded with a traffic light for Boko, Doomtrain had just unloaded a martini for Quezacotl, a gin and tonic for Tonberry and a beer for Bahamut.
"It's completely different! There's no way you could say that Mega Flare and Thunder Storm are anything alike," Bahamut was saying indignantly to Tonberry.
"You both have the same sounds, you both make the earth rumble in the same way, the lightshow is about the same and you tend to do the same amount of damage. The only real difference is that one of you starts in the sky and the other comes up out of the sea."
"You're so wrong, Tonberry. For a start, I'm clearly superior, as I have the power of lightning," replied Quezacotl. "This monkey doesn't even have the raw power of an element behind him."
"Who are you calling monkey? I'm King of the Dragons! You're nothing but an overgrown chocobo!" A resentful chirp was heard from a nearby table. "No offence intended Boko," Bahamut apologised.
"BOKO!" Carbuncle seemed to have forgotten her existence, the chocobo GF having been sitting in a corner, quietly drinking her traffic light and trying not to be too awed by the presence of Phoenix next to her. "Ride, Boko? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
The cute yellow chocobo chirped an affirmative and the fluffy green GF climbed up on her back. "WHOOHOO!" The two GF's began racing around on Eden again.
"That creature has been spending too much time with Selphie I feel," said Greiver to Pandemona, the two sitting closely together at a table. Ifrit was sitting nearby at the bar, glowering at the back of Greiver's head.
"I agree," Pandemona replied. She glanced over Greiver's shoulder. "Greiver, he's doing it again."
Greiver swivelled in his chair to see Ifrit look away from him. "Ifrit, you know that Pande and I are together now. Let. It. Go."
With a growl, Ifrit launched himself at Greiver, teeth bared claws raised.
The fight was short and ugly, Greiver quickly using his superior strength and power to overcome the fiery GF.
Pandemona was quick to rush to the side of her beloved. "Are you all right? He didn't burn you, did he?"
"No, my little breeze. I'm fine, I promise."
Pandemona proceeded to check him over before she was satisfied that he was alright.
"They're sickening really," commented Gilgamesh to Leviathan as Ifrit slumped in the corner of the bar, a bruise forming around one of his eyes.
"Ah, l'amore. C'était la," replied the sea serpent wistfully. He sighed and then picked up another glass. "So, what's going on with you boys?"
"The usual," responded Alexander through his armour. "Life, the universe and everything."
"Sounds a bit like you need a beer to me, mate," said Leviathan to the armoured being. He passed one to Alexander and then bit back a laugh. The Holy One was actually pouring it through the hole in his visor, unable to take his armour off.
"We're talking about death actually," said one of Cerberus' heads, as the other two slurped at foaming beers. "Seeing as that's our specialist field."
Leviathan considered the three. It was true he supposed. Cerberus was gate keeper of Hades, Odin/Gilgamesh had presumably died and come back to life, as well as spending some time as a god, and Alexander was a Holy being. It figured that they would be the ones to have the deep and meaningful conversation.
"THATISH NOT FAIR!" a voice called from the other side of the party. The brothers had convinced Cactuar to give them some tequila, and now he was refereeing their drinking competition.
"No, señor, you musta drink," a nasal voice with a Mexican accent said. "If you do not, then your brother wins."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…" said Minotaur with a laugh. Sacred got up enraged, drawing his fist back to level a punch at his elder brother. Minotaur sidestepped out of the way, and Sacred overshot, landing heavily on the ground. He lay there with a groan. "…floor!" Minotaur grinned wickedly. "Who's next folks?"
"You cannot beat me. After all, tequila iz a part of me," challenged Cactuar.
"You're on." The two hunkered back down, the bottle between them, shot glasses rapidly being refilled.
Boko meanwhile had had enough of Carbuncle's antics and was hiding under Phoenix's wing. "Please play with me, pleeeeease Boko?" asked the green GF.
"I think Boko's been worn out by you," said Phoenix gently. "How about I get you something to drink? Would you like a pink panther?"
"What's dat?"
"It's pink, fizzy and has froth."
At Carbuncle's enthusiastic nod, Leviathan began fixing him one. Hopefully it might keep him quiet for a while.
Diablos meanwhile, was now draped over Shiva's shoulders. Shiva was white with rage, (well, she could hardly go red now, could she?), and Siren was looking at Diablos with great distaste. "I think this one needs to be removed from the premises, Levi," Siren said with her silky voice.
"Too right. Eden, do you think you could do something with him?"
Yes. There was a small "poof" and Diablos disappeared.
"Finally!" said Shiva. "Now I can actually have a good time. Thank you Leviathan, thank you Eden."
"No worries, Shiva."
Down the other end of the bar, the argument had degraded somewhat.
"'Tis!"
"'Tisn't."
"'Tis!"
"'Tisn't."
"'Tis the same so shuddup youse two." Tonberry was not feeling very articulate after his eighth g-n-t.
"Well we say 'snot so meh to you. It's our attack 'nyway," said Quezacotl, who was nursing his sixth martini.
"Ha! You said ours! That means we do have the same attack!" Bahamut was not so much of a bright spark after twelve beers.
"I win! I win!" Tonberry started to jiggle on his bar stool and promptly fell off. Quezacotl and Bahamut started to laugh at him rolling around on the floor and fell off their seats in sympathy.
"Seven down…" muttered Leviathan as he poured another glass of sauvignon blanc for Gilgamesh.
"Itsh the lightsh," Alexander was saying. Hadn't he only had the one beer? "They'rrrre boootiful."
"Jist wat you wants to shee when you're dead. All them likkle lights," said Cerberus. Two of his heads yawned and he lay down on counter and began to snore.
"And the colours! They're like the wine!" said Gilgamesh in a moment of clarity, holding up his wine glass. "Look at the colours," he said to Alexander. "All the colours. Well, yellow."
With that statement Alexander's head crashed into the bar and he didn't get back up again. Gilgamesh slowly slid off his bar stool in defeat, realising that he wasn't going to get much further with conversation that evening.
"Ten, no…" Leviathan looked around. Greiver and Pandemona had disappeared as well. How strange. Minotaur and Cactuar were snoring gently on top on Sacred, all three finding that tequila was the winner on the night. "Fourteen down."
"I think you'll find it's fifteen," said Phoenix quietly. On her lap, head resting on Boko's downy chest, Carbuncle was fast asleep. "He finally zonked out."
"Only the sober ones left then. Perhaps it's time we all went home? Doomtrain, Eden and I are all pretty tired," said Leviathan. Doomtrain tooted in agreement.
Shiva looked around, and began to stand up to leave. She beckoned for Siren to come with her, but Siren shook her head. Phoenix followed her, the two smallest GF's tucked under her wings.
"So, Levi," began Siren. She gazed at him thoughtfully for a moment. "What are you up to next-"
"SUMMONS!" roared Ifrit, surging to his feet and disappearing. Siren and the other GF's vanishing in quick succession, leaving Leviathan, Doomtrain and Eden for the clean-up.
"Dammnit," said Leviathan quietly to himself.
A split second before the snow lion would have hit Squall, Ifrit finally appeared. While the GF attacked the monster, Squall noticed something odd.
"Quistis!" he yelled over the roar of Ifrit's fire. "Has Ifrit got a black eye?"
Yes, they are having the party on Eden. I really didn't know what else to do with it, seeing as it's so huge. And its lack of mouth would have inhibited the drinking. The rest of them are about the same size, with exceptions for Carbuncle and Boko who are a bit smaller. Minotaur too obivously.
I hope you found it amusing. Oh and just in case, I don't own anything that Douglas Adams wrote, as there are a couple of references to his works in there. Or anything relating to Black Books, which probably belongs to Dylan Moran, or the BBC, or someone associated with it.
I really don't know what I was thinking, apart from the fact that the GF's needed to celebrate too…