A/N: Hey all! This is just a parody about the Phantom of the Opera. It's mostly the film version but there is the occasional scene from the play. The only thing I would advise you of is to read through the lyrics when I put them here because sometimes I change a few words or add in some actions that you might find humorous. Let me know if this isn't funny or something…
Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera. But if I did I assure you there would be a different ending… :D
The Auction Scene: 1919
Auctioneer: SOLD! bangs a hammer on his desk, Your number sir? Thank you. Now lets move on to another boring piece, Lot 663, that you will bid on. Here we have an awful poster from an equally awful play, Hannibal made by some guy named Chalumeau.
Assistant: (In a loud and slightly pompous voice) SHOWING HERE! (holds up a poster that is slightly molded from age.)
Everyone glares slightly at the Assistant.
Assistant: Hey it's my only line! I've got to make it something special! (Everyone grumbles slightly and begin to bid)
(Raoul enters the room at this time in his wheel chair.)
Raoul: Thank you Miss. Flying Nun. I can carry on from here. (Notices the older version of Meg and smiles somewhat flirtatiously at her.)
Meg: (Tries not to notice Raoul.)
Auctioneer: Lot 664! A strange and slightly creepy monkey on a barrel organ the plays an equally creepy tune. Perfect for scaring off salesmen and your monkey-phobic friends!
Assistant: SHOWING HERE! (Holds up the music box and presses some unknown button to make it play. The audience cringes but Raoul makes the first bid.)
Raoul: 'It seems that I've seen that creepy monkey before… it has some sort of attractive quality to it…
Meg: "Oh no! If the old fool gets a hold of that monkey he could end the world as we know it! The Phantom stored all of his hypno-beams in it!"
(Both bid off and on until finally Meg realizes that she is out of money.)
Meg: Drat!
Raoul: Yay!
Auctioneer: Sold to the umm… well to Raoul! (Assistant hands the monkey to Raoul)
Raoul: (Suddenly feeling emotional) (singing kind of) A collector's piece indeed! Every detail exactly as she said… (suddenly begins to cough violently and doesn't finish his little solo).
Auctioneer: All right then! Lot 666 then! I don't know what happened to Lot 664 or 665 but I suppose that isn't important. A broken chandelier… (tries to think of something else to say). And um… it caused the great disaster at the Opera house… and well… (on a spur of inspiration) The Phantom of the Opera was behind it! Yes the famous Phantom!
Everyone else but Raoul and Meg: Who's that?
Auctioneer (now rambling on and on and shouting): Perhaps we can frighten away the ghost by turning on the chandelier that I just said was broken! (Assistant shrugs and begins to pull up the chandelier).
Loud ominous music begins to play and we all can recognize it as the theme music for the Phantom! Suddenly there is a large gust of wind and the small group is nearly knocked over.
Raoul: TURN OFF THAT BLASTED WIND MACHINE! (Holding his hat and trying to shield his eyes from large pieces of debris being flung at him)
The chandelier continues its climb (minus the wind) and suddenly it is like the group has gone back in time. They disappear mysteriously.
Preparing for Hannibal Scene: 1880's France
Carlotta: (singing loudly and rather off key) This trooooooooooophy from our saviors from our saaaaaaaaviors. From the enslaving force offffff ROME!
The Dancing Chorus girls come dressed as scantily clad slave girls and begin to dance and mumble some kind of song that no one can understand. Not that any of the guys in the audience would care anyway.
Owner: Quiet down everyone I have to say something. (Everyone keeps singing and dancing) Excuse me everyone… quiet… (finally loses temper) QUIET DOWN EVERYONE I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU BLOCK HEADS! (Everyone is quiet) Thank you… now I would like to introduce you to the new managers of the Opera house because I am retired.
Carlotta: (Turns to Piangi) Come on time to pay up! (Piangi sighs and reluctantly hands over some gold coins to Carlotta)
Owner: Well anyway this is Andre and Firmin. They were currently in the junk business…
Andre: Scrap metal actually!
Owner: Yes… well then… (Looks at Andre somewhat afraid like) I stand corrected. And now our new patron, Raoul something or other… you really have a confusing last name!
Raoul: (Enters) Hello everyone! (strikes a pose and the girls all shriek in delight) I am proud to be a patron for the… (looks at note card provided) Opera Populare! (strikes another pose) Continue with your rehearsal please! (dramatically exits)
Christine: Oh he's kinda cute isn't he Meg?
Meg: Cute if not arrogant. (Glares as Raoul gives her a flirtatious smile)
Christine: (giggles) Look at his hair… and the way he walks… (giggles again)
Carlotta begins to sing Think of Me randomly and everyone begins to wince painfully.
Carlotta: (very off key) Think of me… think of me fondly when we say good bye. Remember me… once in a while please promise me you'll try! When you find that once again you long to take your heart back and be… (a small piece of wood falls and knocks her unconscious… putting everyone out of their misery)
Carlotta's managers come and carry her off stage.
Manager: (dressed in a black suit and tie and sunglasses cover his eyes) Carlotta is tired of all of these accidents… this is the third one this afternoon!
Owner: How do you know what Carlotta is thinking if she is unconscious?
Manager: Well… umm… okay so maybe we elaborate a little bit on that but we're paid to do it! Anyway Carlotta quits! For real this time! (leaves)
Andre: Oh now what are we going to do!
Firmin: Carlotta was the star! We can't go on without her… wait what am I saying? She was terrible anyway!
Owner: Well that's for you two to figure out… good luck! (also leaves)
Madam Giry: The Phantom of the Opera would like to say…
Andre: Yes, yes that is very nice… run along now!
Meg: Christine can sing the part sir!
Firmin: Well that's sweet and everything…
Andre: (Cutting him off) Bring her out girl! Hurry up!