To Seek the Sun
by Kel
Summary: Hitsugaya wanted nothing more than to let the darkness take him, but someone had something to say about that.
Rating: PG
Genre(s): General/Angst
Author's Notes: Vague spoilers for the Soul Society arc. Overusing symbolism. isshot Written in response to Unohana's comment in episode 62 when she was questioned about Hinamori's and Hitsugaya's condition. She told whoever it was that asked that the rest was up to them. Considering Hinamori's condition at the end of the arc, I realized that perhaps Hitsugaya had the same choice to make. As a warning, I took some liberties with the personification of the zanpakatou; Kubo Tite hasn't shown us Hitsugaya's Hyourinmaru as of yet. As soon as it's rendered - if ever - this might have to be rewritten.
Disclaimer: Bleach and all its characters/settings are the creative genius of Kubo Tite
There wasn't much to come back to. He could feel himself hovering on the edge of waking, yet he only wanted to fall backward into the darkness. Pain sharper than Aizen's sword stabbed his heart. What was there to come back to, but betrayal? His eyes screwed shut and he panted harshly. Unbecoming, he knew, but he couldn't help it as the pain of living merged with the physical pain of the wounds dealt to him.
He could feel a gentle touch smoothing the furrows on his brow.
He didn't want that. It would only remind him that there was something worth waking up for. He turned his head away sharply, thrashing and fighting against the warmth.
He wanted the cold darkness. It fit him somehow. She'd been taken away from him, because he'd failed. He'd failed at everything he'd set out to do. It wasn't worth waking up, because he wasn't worth it.
He could hear voices, feel the touch of firm hands and he resisted.
This was one thing he would not fail doing.
He wanted darkness.
He found himself on a mountain, squinting against a harsh winter sun. Vegetation was scarce; only sparse lichen clung to the gray stone. An icy wind blew strong and hard, and he stumbled against it. Dark fog swirled around him, closed in on him and he felt as if he were suffocating in the cold, dark air.
He welcomed it.
Over the wind's howl, though, there suddenly came a roar. The fog roiled angrily and the wind buffeted against him almost cruelly. There was the sound of metal grating against stone and the angry beating of wings drove the fog away.
Hitsugaya didn't want to turn around. He knew what would be sitting on the boulders behind him. He closed his eyes, wishing for the darkness again.
"Turn around, Hitsugaya Toushirou." The voice was a deep growl, intimidating even when gentle.
It was most definitely not gentle at that moment. Hyourinmaru was angry.
Hitsugaya squared his shoulders; he had chosen his path, and he wasn't a child that would not face opposition. He would not squander his remaining years on a life rife with pain, he would not be turned from that path, nor would he run from one who'd question his decision.
He turned to face the soul of his zanpakatou.
Hyourinmaru was like his wielder in many ways. The dragon was small, lithe and powerful, with sharp claws and fangs. He stood only a little taller than Hitsugaya, and his lean, compact body spoke of strength and speed unparalleled. His hide was usually opalescent, nearly silver when the sun shone upon it. Now, it was a dull white. He crouched on the boulder, claws boring into the rock, his blue eyes fixed on Hitsugaya and his fangs bared.
It was not the first time Hitsugaya had seen and felt Hyourinmaru's anger; it was, however, the first time he felt it so strongly directed at him. He refused to break the gaze. Hitsugaya was the master of the sword, and even while seeking death, Hitsugaya was determined to prove that.
"If you are this stubborn in this," Hyourinmaru growled, "why do you seek such a way?"
"I have chosen my path." The cold wind chilled him and threatened to swallow his words.
Hyourinmaru reared up, wings spread wide and jaw agape. "I have never known you to seek the path of least resistance." His claws came back down, hitting the rock with a loud crash. "Perhaps you truly are a child."
Hitsugaya stiffened and his hands curled into fists. "Don't speak as if you know-"
The dragon roared. "I am you!" Hyourinmaru pushed his snout against Hitsugaya's chest and shoved him back. "How can I not know what you're feeling if I'm a part of you?" The growl in the dragon's voice had turned into an almost desperate roar. He hopped off the boulder and walked forward; continuing to shove against his wielder's chest, wings held up and trembling and Hitsugaya knew it was not the wind that made the dragon tremble. "I know the pain of defeat, and of betrayal, and of failure. I was there. I failed, too." Hyourinmaru glanced up, his dark blue eyes boring into Hitsugaya's. "And I want the chance to make it right."
Hitsugaya was already shaking his head. "I can't do it."
Hyourinmaru snapped his jaws and huffed before abruptly roaring. "Did it ever occur to you that some part of you still wants to fight?"
This time Hitsugaya yelled back. "I can't take the risk!"
Hyourinmaru's head came up and he blinked. "The risk?" His voice was softer, but still full of anger and frustration.
"I can't risk it happening again, Hyourinmaru. I can't lose something else I value. I failed to protect Hinamori. Who's next because of my failure? Matsumoto? You? Who else will die because I am too weak?"
They fell into silence for a moment. The dragon backed away and Hitsugaya looked to the side. The wind howled and the fog pressed in around them. "So become stronger."
Hitsugaya looked up, blinking at the dragon. "What?"
The dragon shuddered – his version of a shrug. "It's simple, then. Instead of running away, why don't you become stronger? Why don't you lean on me and on her and on Matsumoto instead of fearing for us?" He looked askance at Hitsugaya, his eyes shining with keen intelligence. "Where is the Lion of Winter that roars in the face of adversity? The one I chose to be my counterpart? The one that doesn't slink away and disappear when he's injured? If you see him, send him this way. I'm tired of the company of a scared brat." Hyourinmaru lowered himself to the ground, curling his tail around him and laying his chin on his forelegs. "Besides," he said, so softly to be considered almost gentle, "you can't get rid of me that easily. I'm always going to be your headache."
Hitsugaya stared at him before moving forward and crouching in front of the dragon. "You understand why I can't do that?"
"I understand how scared you are. That's all."
The shinigami stiffened. "I am not – "
"Don't deny your fear, Toushirou." Hyourinmaru shook his head. "You only deny yourself." He looked over Hitsugaya's shoulder. "Do you remember," he asked quietly, "when the sun shone here? When I could bask in the sun? When the cold was invigorating and not deathly? Look at what you've become, and then tell me you can't take the risk."
"This will all go away so quickly on the path I've chosen."
Hyourinmaru nodded slowly, eyes downcast but still alive with sadness and passion. "Yes, but then we'll never find the sunlight again. Not together. Don't you understand? Taking this chance at life now is the only way that we'll ever to able to protect what we hold closest to our hearts. Leave all this now, and who will even try to protect them?"
"I don't know how – "
"Then learn!" The dragon pressed forward, his words tripping over each other. "You are young yet, and still climbing to the peak of your power. There are no boundaries for you. Why don't you want to fly with me again? Don't walk away from this chance."
"Hyourinmaru…"
The dragon pressed his cheek against Hitsugaya's shoulder. "Take this chance to make it right."
"I – "
The fog swirled and lightened in color. The wind died down. The world seemed to blur around the edges. Hitsugaya felt more than saw Hyourinmaru's wings wrap around him. He felt more than heard the words the dragon growled into his ear, his voice full of the determination Hitsugaya could not find. "Take the risk."
This time, when the pain threatened to envelope him again, he growled, baring his teeth against it. He wanted nothing more than to let the darkness take him, but he fought: he fought against the pain, against the darkness and against his own insecurity. He owed it to Hyourinmaru, to Matsumoto and to Hinamori. To all of them.
He owed them his life, as worthless as he thought it was.
He was panting again, coughing and gasping against breath that refused to come. This time, when the gentle hand pressed against his forehead, he relaxed. He heard his name called softly and he could feel a gentle energy encompass him, chasing away the pain.
He managed to catch his breath. When he opened his eyes, he was half-afraid of finding the people with him staring at him in condemnation. Instead, Unohana Retsu smiled down at him, and moved her hand from his forehead to his shoulder. On his other side, Matsumoto let out a strangled half-laugh, half-sob.
"It was a hard fought battle," Unohana commented, and Hitsugaya knew she wasn't speaking of Aizen, or Ichimaru, or his injuries.
"It will be harder still," he said slowly and breathlessly.
Unohana smiled. "Then you are with us?" She patted his shoulder. "Rest, Captain Hitsugaya. I will wake you in a few hours' time. I am glad to see you well."
He didn't – couldn't – tell her that he was far from well, and that he only lived now because of obligation.
"I'll take care of things," Matsumoto assured him as she followed Unohana out of the room. "Our division will want to know you're coming back to us."
He frowned as she left. More people leaning on him, depending on him.
Become strong, Hyourinmaru breathed in his memory.
It would be difficult. Risky.
Take the risk.
Hitsugaya fell asleep, but this time he ran from the darkness and sought the sunlight, hoping and dreaming that someday, perhaps, it would be proven that he hadn't made the wrong decision.
The End
Originally, this was a part of a drabble collection I've been working on, but, as you can see, it ran away from the length requirements. Since it stands on its own, I've removed it from that collection and decided to post it by itself. I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Cheers!