Accepting It

Chapter 1

She was sitting there, her head resting on the wall. She was trying to hear if he was still awake. She wasn't sure, no, she knew she wasn't ready to look him in the eye.

"I'm in love with my husband, Mark."

"But he's not in love with you, he's in love with that intern. And he's not even trying to hide it. Why would you want to stick around for that?"

She gripped her tea-filled mug tightly. What was she doing?

"He doesn't know how we felt. He doesn't know you stayed with after he left? How do you expect to work out a marriage if you can't even be honest with him?"

She hated that he was right; hated that he even came to Seattle; hated how he had touched her in the elevator.

"Your marriage is over Addison."

No, it wasn't. She was here; ten feet away from her husband; in their house (or Derek's trailer, she thought bitterly). He hadn't asked her to leave. He wasn't even yelling at her. That was what scared her the most. He didn't care enough to yell at her. He never yelled at her for sleeping with Mark. He found them "in the throes" and did nothing. He gave her a disgusted look and walked away. He gave her that same look today.

Her throat tightened. He still loved her, didn't he? He chose her. She knew he was "that guy;" the one who would try just for the sake of the vows. Maybe their marriage was over. But she was too scared to volunteer that information to anyone; especially Derek.

"He doesn't know how we felt."

Neither did Mark. She wasn't in love with Mark. She was in love with the idea of Mark. In love with the idea that someone could still make time for her, comfort her, love her. Mark just filled Derek's place in her bed. Filled Derek's time in her schedule. Mark was her place holder. She'd never wanted anyone but Derek. But Derek didn't want her anymore. He wanted Meredith. What could she do?

"I'm going to the bar across the street. Meet me there."

She'd be lying if she said she wasn't considering it. Mark would never hurt her the way Derek had. Derek had abandoned her in their marriage. He'd forgotten about her in "their lives." Even if she couldn't love Mark the way she loved Derek, she could love him, in a way.

She stood up, slowly, and turned to walk into the bedroom. She could see his eyes shift at her movement. He was laying there, a medical journal open on his lap.

"We need to talk."

"No we don't Addison," he looked away from her pointedly.

"Fine, I'll talk, you listen," she took a firmer stance in the doorway.

His back straightened and his eyes looked directly into hers. It was almost enough to make her lose her nerve. Almost.

"The night that you found Mark and I..." he flinched and averted his eyes.

"When you left, I thought for sure it was over. I believed you couldn't forgive me. I had never seen you so hurt; so disgusted with me," she paused and took a deep breath.

"Then you disappeared into the night. Without a word. No goodbye. No forwarding address. Nothing. I was lost. I didn't know what to do."

His eyes narrowed, he was studying her, trying to figure out where this was leading.

"I stayed with Mark after you left."

She'd said it. It hadn't even sounded like her. Derek's mouth had dropped slightly. Whether from shock or the urge to say something cruel, she'd never know. She wasn't giving him a chance to respond.

"I know you won't believe me, but," her voice quivered, "I didn't love him Derek. I still loved you. But I didn't have you and I didn't even know if I'd ever see you again. I was convinced divorce papers would show up any day. But they didn't. That was my lifeline. It kept me going. The hope that you weren't through with me. Then Richard called, said he had a case for me in Seattle. Where you were. I jumped at the chance to come. When I saw you, standing there with Meredith, I had a taste of what you felt the night you found Mark and I."

"A lot of things are different…had…if you came out here to try and win me back you can forget about it"

She closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

"You called me 'Satan.' You were so angry with me. But you still didn't yell. You just threw cheap shots and snide remarks. You didn't see me, at all. So I called my attorney in New York and had him draw up papers. I had them sent to your lawyer for approval. But I needed to be sure. When the premature baby started getting better and I found you with her, I had to give it one last shot. Tell you 'I love you.' Kiss you. We bantered like we used to. You didn't pull away when I kissed you."

She paused, allowing herself to remember what was actually a nice memory. His face softened. She wasn't the only one who remembered.

"You didn't pull away. And in that moment, you saw me. For the first time in so long. The papers arrived the next day. I didn't know what to do. But then I saw you with her, reveling in the fact that I was leaving. So, I gave them to you. I put the ball in your court. I hadn't been able to sign yet. I couldn't. Not unless I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you wanted me to. But you didn't sign them. You picked me."

She paused. She knew what she needed to say for her own well-being. But she knew he wouldn't like it.

"You may have picked me Derek. But you stayed with her," she saw his face tense and his eyes narrow in anger, "You loved her. Not me. I gave up everything to be here. I gave up New York Derek. My whole life. To be here and watch you love her instead. It was the best revenge you could've ever taken. The best punishment. Even when we made love. I was her in your mind. I was in your arms; she was in your heart. We are in the exact same place we were in New York. You've never tried once to fix us."

"Addison…" he wanted to interrupt her. He was angry. How dare she bring Meredith into this. How dare she blame him for not 'getting over it" fast enough.

"No Derek," she knew he needed to know this, "he came here for me. He wants me to come back to him. He's probably still sitting at Joe's waiting for me."

"Then go back to him Addison. We're done."

He got up, stormed past her.

"Derek…"

"No, if you can't wait for 'it to pass,' you can leave. I don't care."

He slipped his shoes on and stormed out.

She leaned into the doorframe.

"Now what do I do?"