Disclaimer: Both characters and plot belong to CS Lewis.
Cat in the Closet:
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
In Five Minutes
Lucy: It's a big house we've been evacuated to. What's in this wardrobe?
(She walks through the Wardrobe
Lucy: Snow! And… a fawn?
Mr T: Hello! I'm Mr Tumnus! Are you a daughter of Eve?
Lucy: Yes, I am! I'm Lucy.
Mr T: Welcome to Narnia. You must come back to my house and have tea with me!
Lucy: I'm aware that going to a stranger's house for tea is dangerous and stupid, but you look like a nice person. Ok!
Mr T: And then I can sell you to the White Witch!
Lucy: What? Please don't!
Mr T: Of course I can't. I'm a very bad fawn. I'm so scared of the White Witch. Run back home, Lucy!
Lucy runs back through the Wardrobe. She sees Peter, Susan and Edmund
Lucy: I've been to the magical world of Narnia. It's in a cupboard. Or something. Come and see!
(The Wardrobe doesn't open)
Peter: Err… good joke Lou!
Susan: What are you going on about Lucy? Stop being silly!
Edmund: She's an idiot! Batty, quite batty!
Lucy: (crying and upset) I'm not lying! I never lie!
Peter: I know Lou, to cheer you up, let's play hide and seek!
Susan counts. Peter runs off. Lucy climbs into the Wardrobe.
Edmund: I know, because I'm a nasty brat, I'll follow Lucy and scare her!
(He enters the Wardrobe
Edmund: Oh no! I really AM in Narnia! I hate it when women are right!
(The White Witch rides on, on an imaginary horse)
WW: I'm the Queen of Narnia. Who are you, idiot boy? A dwarf?
Edmund: No, your majesty! I AM an idiot boy! A human! Wow, my ONE BROTHER AND TWO SISTERS will be gutted they missed a royal visit!
WW: There are four of you? Here, have some Turkish Delight!
Edmund scoffs it up)
WW: You like that, don't you? Come back later with your brother and sisters, and you can have more. And I'll make you a prince. And I won't turn you all to stone, honestly!
Edmund: Can't I have some more food?
WW: NO!!!!!!! Now get lost. I live over there, so meet me there when you bring them.
WW rides off and Lucy comes on.)
Lucy: It's great that you're here! Let's bring the others!
Edmund: What? Oh, ok.
(They climb through the Wardrobe, and meet Peter and Susan.
Lucy: Edmund and I have been to Narnia!
Edmund: Err… no we haven't. Honestly!
Susan: Lucy, stop lying!
Peter: Oh no, the housekeeper, Mrs Macready!
Mrs Macready enters.)
Mrs M: Get oot of ma ware, children!
(The children climb through the Wardrobe)
Peter: Sorry I didn't believe you, Lou! Edmund, you're a lying, nasty little creep.
Edmund: I'll get my revenge you wait and see!
Lucy: Oh no, Mr Tumnus's house has been trashed! He's been taken by the Witch!
Susan: What are we to do?
Mr Beaver enters)
Mr B: Hello, I'm Mr Beaver. I was a friend of Mr Tumnus's. Come to my house and have tea!
Lucy: I'm aware that going to a stranger's house for tea is dangerous and stupid, but you look nice. Ok!
Mr B: May the Force be with you...No, I mean…. ASLAN IS ON THE MOVE!
Edmund: What are you going on about?
(Mrs Beaver enters)
Mrs B: Hello children! Let's go and see Aslan!
Susan: Will somebody tell us who this Aslan bloke is?!!
Mr B: He's the king of the beasts: a lion; a metaphor for Jesus Christ.
Mrs B: And he's going to sort out the Witch alright!
Peter: That's good. It'll be scary meeting a lion!
Edmund: Won't the White Witch turn him into stone?
Mr B: Ha ha! Idiot boy! Of course not, he's blooming God!
Mrs B: We'll meet him at the Stone Table.
Edmund: (pointing) What's that?
(While everyone looks in the direction he was pointing, Edmund runs away.)
Lucy: Where's Edmund?
Susan: I didn't see him leave.
Peter: This is all my fault.
Mr B: No, He's gone off to the witch! He's treacherous!
Mrs B: Righto then, let's go off and find Aslan. He's the only one who can save Edmund!
(They exit. Edmund comes on)
Edmund: Oh no, what have I done?
White Witch enters)
WW: HOW DARE YOU COME ALONE! I TOLD YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN TO BRING THE OTHERS WITH YOU!!!!!
Edmund: I'm sorry, I tried. They've all gone off to see Aslan at the Stone Table.
WW: WHAT? Let's go!
(She drags him off. The Children see Aslan
Susan: Look, it's the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz
Aslan: No, that's my cousin Nigel. I'M Aslan, the true king of Narnia. And have I got a surprise for you!
Susan: Well, have you?
Aslan: Yes, it's your brother Edmund! I rescued him from the Witch, and he's now a much better person.
Edmund: Sorry, you lot!
Peter: That's ok, me too!
Lucy: Group hugs!
Susan: Let's never fight again!
(The Children exit and the White Witch enters)
WW: Aslan, Edmund belongs to me! He's mine to kill.
Aslan: Remember the deep magic!
WW: Oh, ok. I'll kill you instead!
(She leads him offstage. She then enters alone.)
WW: Hahaha! I killed him! I'm the ruler over Narnia now, and there's nothing he can do about it! I'm the Killer Queen! Guaranteed to blow your mind!
WW exits and Lucy and Susan enter, crying)
Susan: Oh no! She's killed him!
Lucy: The coward! Oh, poor Aslan!
Aslan enters)
Aslan: Don't worry kids, I'M BACK!
Susan: Simba, is it you?
Lucy: The king has returned!
Aslan: How many lions do you think there are in Narnia? It's me!
Susan and Lucy: ASLAN!!! YAY!!!!
Aslan: Let's go and turn the statues back into people.
Lucy: Look! Mr Tumnus!
(Aslan breathes on the frozen Mr Tumnus)
Mr T: Lucy! And… ASLAN! Oh, thank you!
Aslan: And now…. Let's go and kick some witch butt!
(They all exit. Everyone enters, fighting. When the White Witch sees Aslan she screams and falls to her death.)
Everyone: Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked old witch!
Aslan: Children, you will be kings and queens over Narnia. You'll end up going home at the end of the book, but remember: ONCE A KING OR QUEEN IN NARNIA, ALWAYS A KING OR QUEEN. But for now… LET'S BOOGY!!!!!!
(Fun music comes on, and they all dance. The End.)
Author's Note: If you enjoyed this story, why not also try The Smegging of the Shire, an original Lord of the Rings comedy.