Shunsui Kyouraku was napping on the floor of his office, as usual. Kisuke lifted the wide-brimmed straw hat off his face to check, and sure enough, a thin trail of drool was rolling down from the side of Shunsui's open mouth.
Kisuke kicked him in the ribs to rouse him. "Hey Shunsui, you up to anything tonight?"
Shunsui woke with a noise that… well, Kisuke wished he'd had some way to record it. It was part 'snore', part 'snort', quite a lot of 'groan' and a little 'moan', with various amounts of 'cough' and 'wheeze' mixed into it. It was the most amazing noise Kisuke had ever heard.
Shunsui blinked groggily. "Wha'th'hel..? Whoizzat?"
"I brought sake!"
Shunsui's eyes came into abrupt focus as a grin split his face. "Ohh, iz you Kisuke! Hab'a seat, hab'a seat!" Suiting his own words, the Eighth Division Captain eased himself up off the floor, alternately rubbing his head and his side.
Kisuke plopped himself on the tatami floor of the office, setting a large ceramic jug in front of Shunsui. "So? You up to anything tonight?"
Shunsui blinked again. "Me? Nope. Dun think so." His face lit up. "Why? You got something in mind?" He uncorked the jug and took a long drink from it.
"Well, Yoruichi asked me for a favor…"
"Yoruichi!" Shunsui gave a deep, rumbling laugh. "You still chasing that skirt, Kisuke? She's on the wrong team, don'cha know! Not to say she ain't a fine woman, though. With those… y'know…" Shunsui made a very ROUND gesture, and Kisuke almost blushed.
"Not all of us view women the way you and Lisa do, Shunsui."
"Hey, speaking of… where IS Lisa?"
"I dunno. Maybe she went out… shopping?" Why did Kisuke feel like he was about to start blushing again?
"Ooooh, 'shopping'! I hope she comes back with something good this time. Those books she picked up last time… I mean, really! Do they honestly think a man can have a self-lubricating anu-?"
"ANYWAY!" Kisuke turned away to keep Shunsui from seeing the red suffusing his cheeks. "YORUICHI WANTS ME TO GET ONE OF THOSE OLD SHIHOUIN RELICS FOR HER! I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME CONVINCE CAPTAIN UKITAKE!?"
Kisuke's head spun back as Shunsui emitted an ear-splitting shriek. His eyes were pinched shut, and he spoke in a harsh, hoarse whisper. "What the HELL are you shouting for, you BASTARD? Are you trying to kill me? Ohhhh, Hell, I musta drank more'n I thought this mornin'…."
"Ah… uh… sorry, Shunsui." Kisuke grimaced. Stupid mistake. "But, umm… you wanna help me out," he asked hopefully.
Shunsui kneaded his temples gingerly. "Convince Jushiro? Mmmmm… Sure. I suppose I could help with that. Always good to see Jushiro. Meet at his place just after sunset?"
Kisuke smiled, and tapped his fingers together excitedly. "Exxcelent!"
When Kisuke entered the Second Division Compound late, late that night, Yoruichi pounced on him like a leopardess.
"Do you have it, Kisuke!?"
"Yeah, but I still don't know what the heck it-"
"That doesn't matter now! Gimme!"
Kisuke frowned, shaking his head. "Nope. Not until you tell me what this little thi-"
As he pulled the slim tube from his captain's cloak, Yoruichi lunged for it. Kisuke danced back, out of reach. "Hey! Waitaminnit!"
"No, Kisuke," she hissed. "I NEED it!" She darted forward again, and Kisuke had to hold the tube over his head to keep it away from her.
"Now you listen here, Yoruichi. Shunsui and I had to get Captain Ukitake plastered before he'd agree to fetch this thing. I was hoping Shunsui could just ask, but NO. As soon as he heard what I wanted, Ukitake turned as white as a sheet-"
"Jushiro's ALWAYS as white as a sheet, Kisuke. Now GIVE IT!" Yoruichi jumped for the tube, and Kisuke had to push her back with his free hand. ..oops. Didn't mean to push there. He was reminded of the gesture Shunsui had used when Kisuke mentioned Yoruichi. Thankfully, Yoruichi couldn't see him blush in the darkness.
"Yoruichi! Stop it!" Kisuke squeaked. "If you don't tell me what this thing does, I swear, I'm gonna bring it back to my lab and figure it out for myself, and I PROMISE you, you won't see it for at least another week."
"You WOULDN'T," she gasped. Yoruichi retreated a step, staring at him with… fear? What the heck was this thing?
Yoruichi stood silently, staring at him. Kisuke thought he could see her lips trembling. Was Yoruichi about to start crying? What could possibly make her…?
"Oh."
It was Yoruichi's turn to squeak. "I… I-I-I did-d-dn't mea… mean t-to…"
"I TOLD you those pills were dangerous, Yoruichi!"
"Yeah, b-but…" A tear rolled down her cheek, glistening in the moonlight.
"How many did you use," he asked patiently.
"Th-the whole b-b-bottle…"
"….are you serious?"
Yoruichi gave a jerky nod.
"How long ago?"
"Y-y-y-yesterday. About n-n-noon."
Kisuke rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "And you can still walk?" He traced his finger through the air, mapping out the formula from memory. "No, that shouldn't be possible. Were my estimates that far off?"
"N-n-no, Kisuk-k-ke. I-I-I g-g-gave them t-t-to-"
A piercing wail cut through the Second Division compound, at once pained and pleading. It was the second-most amazing noise Kisuke had ever heard.
"PLEEEEASE, Kisuke," Yoruichi sobbed.
"So then I suppose this thing is meant to…?"
"Y-yeah. There's a… there's a switch on the end."
Kisuke waggled the tube, searching for the switch. "Ah, here it is." How had he missed that before? He flicked the switch and the tube roared to life with a sound like a thunderclap. Suddenly, Kisuke's arm was numb and he felt a wave of euphoria flooding through him. Meanwhile, the tube was bouncing on the ground, cracking the flagstones like a loose jackhammer. Kisuke snatched up the tube and flicked the switch off again.
Yoruichi hugged her arms around herself. "K-Kisuke? Do you th-think that'll… stop it?"
Kisuke narrowed his eyes, staring off into the night sky. "Dunno. Probably not. But if we're lucky, it might make her pass out, anyway. Then we just have to wait for the pills to wear off."
"WEAR OFF? But you said they were dangerous!" Yoruichi wailed.
"Oh, they aren't PHYSICALLY dangerous. Well, except that she'll probably be too exhausted to walk for…. The whole bottle, you said?" Yoruichi nodded, and Kisuke did the math in his head. "For about two months, thirteen days, and five hours, I think. Give or take about fifteen minutes."
"Well, then what'd you mean they're dangerous!? I thought you were just kidding, but… b-b-but she just won't stop, y'know, cli-"
Kisuke cut her off. "Well, think about it for a minute, Yoruichi. If you were going through that, how long do you think it'd take before you started… oh, I dunno… FORGETTING YOUR OWN NAME?"
"Ah. Oh. So you mean she might…"
"I MEAN, Yoruichi, you'd better hope you didn't break your favorite toy."
"Well then GIMME! Maybe I can still fix her!"
Oh, but Kisuke couldn't miss the opportunity to taunt her. "She might not even have a personality anymore. She might just lie in bed from now on, drooling on your sheets and moaning if she hears any loud noises." Kisuke had to thank Shunsui for that image.
"Noooo!" Yoruichi wailed. "No! Kisuke! Gimme it NOW!" She lunged forward again, but he danced away with a grin. Anyway, if his calculations were right, Soi Fong still had at least another three hours before there'd be any permanent damage. Assuming that he gave Yoruichi a 50-pill bottle. He was pretty sure it had been a 50-pill bottle.
"Well… I suppose maybe you'll make it in time. Okay. I'll give you the tube on one condition."
"ANYTHING!" Yoruichi sobbed.
Kisuke cackled. "I wanna watch."