Disclaimer: I own neither Lost, not the song lyrics to The Right to Write Me Off, by Amber Pacific.
A/N: This one's for you Angel-death-dealer! Gah, I must be crazy writing a post kiss fic without seeing the damn episode…I've seen clips of the kiss…and WOW! But yeah, if details are little off, it's just because all I've heard our spoilers…and I don't like 'em.
Can we make this last forever
With every word we're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you know
It's growing old to see us torn by every choice that I have made
In every instant you were right to write me off and move ahead
And I think I let you down, I throw it all away
I never meant to break it up or make you feel this way
It's getting colder through these walls that seem to thin to break us now
A perfect ending still in line though it seems our time is running out
And just a call from you would make this go away
I never felt this day would come, I'll never be the same
She hated it; Kate hated everything about their current situation. The somewhat lustful and longing looks that turned into deathly glares the second he noticed she was looking, and sometimes when she wasn't. The silent treatment, the cold shoulder. She knew she deserved it, but she hated it. It wasn't him. It wasn't right. They'd been there for each other since day one, whatever they needed or wanted, the other would listen, but now, he wouldn't even give her the time of day.
It might have been easier, back in the real world; they wouldn't have to deal with constantly seeing each other. In a busy city they'd be lucky to even catch as much as a glance; they would most likely not see each other. That would work better, it would hurt less, it would be easier to move on. From what, she wasn't sure, a great friendship, or maybe, the possibility of so much more. Either way, it didn't matter anymore. Whatever they'd had had turned to shit the second she ran after kissing him.
His whole manner was different. No longer was he the kind, caring and considerate doctor, now he was more often than not, cold and gruff. The whole island knew it, even she knew it. And it ached to know that she caused that. She knew he was hurt, but he seemed so angry, and he wouldn't let her get anywhere close. He wouldn't let her explain, wouldn't let her apologise, which was all she wanted to do.
She was different too, rather than offering to go on every available hike, she'd sit and stare at the ocean, moving just once or twice; and only when she really had to. The whole island worried about them, no-one knew what was happening, just that something wasn't right. Whilst it may seem out of proportion, they weren't even a couple, so they shouldn't be acting like they had been. Regardless of that, everyone knew and understood that things just weren't right without the Jack and Kate friendship.
Kate sighed sadly as she noticed him further down the beach checking up on Claire and the baby. She saw the faintest of smiles on his face, and the reality that he hadn't smiled properly for weeks caused her heart to ache.
She knew it was all her fault; she needed to talk to him, explain, apologise. How could she if he wouldn't let her? She knew she shouldn't have run, but she panicked and that's what she does.
She runs.
She always used to run from her mistakes, but now, this mistake she wanted to erase and forget. She wanted things to be like they were before. Not like this, no, they weren't meant to be like this; cold, distant and apart. No, they were meant to be sitting together, in front of the ocean or by the sea. They were meant to be smiling, talking and laughing, he'd nudge her with his knee, and she'd duck her head to smile shyly as her hair hung in front of her face, and he'd be looking at her…like that, in that typical Jack way that he always looked at her, because he's Jack. Like she was different, like she wasn't a criminal, like she was worthy of his time, like she was normal, like she was special.
Perhaps she'd just have to let him approach her, let him come to her. But that was hard, she wasn't sure if she could live, just silently waiting. It might take a while. Besides, even if she got as far as talking to him, and they only yelled…well, at least it was something.
Her eyes followed him as he wove his way around the beach, stopping to ask people how they were; not because he really cared, but because he should, because they expected him to. He hated coming to the beach now, he used to make excuses as to why he should go; now he just wanted to stay away. He was hurt, slightly angry, but mostly hurt. The anger was just easy to hide behind. He'd rather she thought he was angry than hurt. He didn't want to seem vulnerable, not to her, not now. Not after…everything.
He'd been her rock, and she'd been his light. That one time, that one day in the jungle. She allowed herself to really breakdown in front of him, and he knew she was incredibly messed up, but who wouldn't be after everything she'd been through. He'd given her that shoulder to cry on, all he wanted was for her to smile again and know everything would be okay. It seemed so right, him holding her tight, not letting her go, just being there. And when she pulled back, the confused look on her face, it made him want to tell her that she could trust him and that he'd be the one to make sure everything would be okay. And when she'd kissed him, his insides exploded, he kissed her back with such a passion, trying to speak to her in a different way. But then she'd pulled back, even more confused, and slightly frightened. She'd stepped back, turned and ran, he just wanted to pull her back. When she didn't answer after him calling her name, he became hurt and frustrated. With her, and more importantly with himself. He'd had everything he ever wanted, right there, in that one moment, and now…now he'd lost her. He let her go. He let her slip right through his fingers.
Jack looked up briefly and he caught her looking at him, their eyes locked. He didn't have the energy to turn it into a dirty stare; he just looked at her, he shook his head slightly before looking down, as a wave of disappointment washed over him. By the time he looked up again she'd gone, leaving only imprints in the sand, and Jack wondering whether it was just another mirage.
Kate couldn't say that she hadn't caught that look of disappointment on his face, and it caused her to mentally ache, so much so that it was almost a physical pain. Good job it wasn't, because she wasn't sure if he'd actually treat her for anything now… Kate had once again quickly fled from the scene, but this time lingered on the edge of the forest. From her hiding spot at the edge of the forest she watched him look up puzzled for a moment, and then looked on regretfully as he continued his path across the beach.
Figuring that he wouldn't return to people he'd already tend Kate figured that it would be safe to wander over to Claire and say hi.
"Hey," Kate said as she sat beside Claire and Aaron in the sand. "He's gotten so big now…" Kate said in an empty, unfeeling voice, unlike the interested voice she'd have used just weeks before.
"He has." The young mother smiled and then frowned slightly. "Kate, do you want to talk about it?"
"About what?" Kate said vaguely although she knew exactly what it was.
"About Jack. Kate, what happened between the two of you?" Claire said watching Kate stare out to sea.
"There's really nothing to talk about. I messed up, that's it."
"Really? Well, have you tried talking to him?"
"How can I? How can I Claire?" Kate sighed. "He won't even let me start to apologize, he refuses to let me within ten feet of him, how can I talk to him if he won't even look at him?" Kate said eyes filling with tears.
"Oh Kate." Claire said sympathetically. "That seems so unlike him." Kate nodded. "Perhaps you should try harder?" she suggested, Kate shook her head. "How are you, really?"
Kate shrugged. "Not brilliant."
"You don't look so good, are you eating and sleeping properly?" Claire asked concerned for her friend's state of well being.
"What are you, Jack?" Kate said painfully. "To be honest, I don't really care anymore." Kate sighed and walked off.
Later that afternoon Kate lay with her back against one of the trees on the shoreline, her eyes gently closed trying to forget about…everything. Hoping that she'd open her eyes to find out that everything, the whole island, had all been a measly dream.
Kate heard muffled footsteps in the sand and groaned inwardly.
"Kate?" She heard his voice, and her eyes snapped open craning her neck to look at him.
"What, you're actually talking to me now?" Kate said with obvious hurt.
"They're worried about you…they said you're not eating, not sleeping…" Jack said, in his doctor voice.
"And?" She shrugged.
"That's not clever Kate. Why are you doing this to yourself?" Jack asked her, still in his doctor persona.
"So that's why you're here, why you're finally talking to me? You think you can make me eat and sleep and whatever the hell I'm apparently not doing? You'll pretend to care, make me think the others really do care…why Jack?" She asked with venom in her voice.
"I really don't understand you Kate." Jack stated.
"No? Well you wouldn't, because you won't even give me a damn chance to explain. How could you even begin to understand me if you won't let me talk, for God's sake Jack, you won't even look at me!" Tears once again filled her eyes. "And I'm sorry Jack, ugh, I'm so sorry, but you won't acknowledge that, because you're being a cold hearted, stubborn ass!" Kate yelled as she started to walk away from him and into the jungle.
Jack stood reeling from her words, and almost let her walk away from him again before calling out. "And you're so much better?"
"No, I'm not. I know that, you know that, I'm not as good as you! I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry I put this 'hole' in our friendship…" Kate sighed and her voice softened and she stared at Jack with a less vicious look. "I never meant for it to be like this. And I hate myself, because this is so typical of me, it's what I do…I always do it. I always make the wrong decision, and I always hurt the people I care about it, and I don't mean to do it, and it hurts me too!"
"Why? Why did you run?" Jack asked in a calmer voice than before.
"I run because I get scared. Defence mechanism. I do it all the time, I just…I can't stop, because I don't know how to Jack. I don't have the time to count to five, I panic Jack, and I run. And I can't think, and then I hurt people, and this time I hurt myself as well. " Tears slipped from her eyes. "I shouldn't have run. I understand that you're hurt, and you're mad and…but Jack, seriously, this has gone on long enough. I'm sick of you not talking to me, not looking at me…" Kate shook her head. "Would you even treat me if I was injured, or would you leave me for dead?" Kate asked with an unheard of tone of desperation in her voice.
"Well, I'm here now. You need to eat, and sleep…and keep hydrated. You could die otherwise." Jack said firmly.
"Would it make any difference if I said I didn't care? Because I don't, I really don't care anymore…"
"Kate…" Jack said gently.
"No…I don't care, and no-one else really cares…no one that matters anyway." She said sadly looking him straight in the eyes.
"I care." He stated calmly.
"Funny way of showing it." She raised her eyebrows. "I have nothing to live for anymore." Kate sighed as she sunk to the ground. "No-one in the real world will give a crap what happens to me, I have no life back there, just a horrible prison cell to spend the rest of my life in. They'll be glad if I'm dead. And there's nothing keeping me here, Jack. Nothing, no-one. Everyone here, they've got someone, somewhere…and I don't. There's nothing keeping me here Jack." Kate said her eyes concentrated on one spot of the floor.
"That's not true, and you know it." Jack said as he moved to sit beside her.
"It's not?" Kate asked.
"No. You've got me, I care about you." He said softly and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Barely." She sniffed.
"No Kate, I care for you a lot, I really do." Jack sighed. "And I'm sorry too. For what it's worth, I know I've been stupid…it's just you hurt me, I thought we were friends, good friends…I thought there was something there, I thought we had potential. And you kissed me, and it was…it was good Kate, I liked it…" He ran a hand through his hair. "But then you ran, you just bolted, and you didn't come back. I thought you were playing me, I thought that you didn't care…I just…it hurt to look at you, because I thought you didn't care anymore. I'm sorry Kate, I am."
"You were wrong." Kate looked up at him.
"I know…so were you." Jack reminded her.
Kate nodded. "I…I wasn't…I didn't mean to. I didn't want to hurt you. I do care, and it was good and there is…was…something there." Kate smiled weakly. "I wasn't playing you…I just got scared…" Kate trailed of looking to the ground.
"Can…Can I ask why?" He probed.
Kate nodded. "I got scared…because you made me feel. After so long you made me feel. You made me feel things I haven't felt for a long time, and those feelings, good feelings, they scared me, because they were different and new…You make me feel, Jack." She smiled softly. "And I know that should be a good thing, but it still scares me…because right then, I knew that I'd hurt you or you would hurt me. We do have potential Jack, or we did…and I know I ruined it…I didn't intend to, you have to know that." Kate shook her head. "I'm just…incredibly messed up."
"I still think you're amazing." Jack smiled. "You make me feel too Kate. And…I think we still do have potential, if you want us to…" Jack suggested.
"I do. You just need to be prepared, I'll try not to, but I've been running forever, and it's bound to happen again. But it's not your fault. And I'm too broken and messed up to fix. No amount of superglue can undo that Jack." Kate said trying to make him understand.
He slipped his arm around her, "We're almost certainly going to hurt each other, because we seem to keep doing that. But we can try not to. I'll try not to shut you out after we do hurt each other." Jack smiled. "And I know you're messed up, but I don't want to fix you. I just don't want you to get any worse, I want to protect you, from being hurt and broken again and again…I'm sorry if that's not how it seems, I just…if something happened to you Kate…"
"I know." Kate nodded and smiled as she lay her head on his shoulder.
"So…friends?" Jack asked.
"Always." She smiled up at him. "You were the first friend I made…remember that first day…I really did think I was going to throw up on you…"
"But you didn't, and you didn't run." Jack reminded her.
"I don't think you would have let me…"
"True." Jack laughed.
"So Jack…just friends?" Kate grinned, "Or maybe more?" She asked raising her eyebrows.
"What do you want?" He asked her.
Kate shot him a 'You know what I want' look, and smiled up at him.
"Good." He stated and ducked his head to give her a soft, tender kiss. Jack then stood up, and pulled her up with him. He tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear and smiled.
"So I'll see you later? And you will eat, and drink, and sleep?" He asked her, still concerned about her health.
"I'll try; it should be easier now…" Kate smiled up at him. "See you later."
"See you later." He said turning to leave.
"Wait!" Kate called out to him and grabbed his arm.
"Yeah?"
"I just wanted to…" Kate smiled and leant up to meet his lips.
"I like the way you think Miss Austen." Jack said as they broke away.
"I'm glad." She said stepping back from him.
"Nice try…" Jack said and his arm back around her waist bringing her to him. This time, their lips met in a much more heated collision, as the pent up passion within them was finally given its sweet release.
A/N: Heh, was that an okay ending? Was it, it seemed kinda…off to me. Well, I hoped you liked it, bit more angsty than my norm. I can only seem to write angst one shots…hmm.
Angel-death-dealer: And yes, he did back her up against that conveniently place tree, yes, his tongue was jammed down her throat…yes they did have hot wild, jungle, sex – make up sex…supposedly the best kind. And yes, she did make him partake in a few…stunts…from Sawyer's playboy magazines that she conveniently stole. And yes, this was all far too dirty to be put in, and wouldn't make any sense to anyone…except maybe us. But thankfully, he did…FINALLY have his wicked way with her! YAY! HeHe