AN: hello? Still there after the last mediocre offering? If you withstood that, you can surely spare a few minutes to glance through this random post-coital chat between our favourite puppies. Thank you for your patience with me, goodness knows I don't deserve it…dd xx

'So…we're still good, right, Moons?'

'Mphgrful…'

'Hey, dude, wake up. I'm trying to ask you something important.'

'Yeah, yeah…I did hear you, y'know…'

'And the answer is?'

'Sirius. Based on the evidence…the absence of any clothing in or around this bed, the bone-cracking grip of your arms around my long suffering chest, the fact I'm going to have to do some very good explaining to the laundry elves about the state of these sheets…I'd say we're still good, okay? Now can I go back to sleep?'

'Hmph. It was only an innocent question?'

'Sirius…the word "innocent" is not, to my knowledge, one that is in your vocabulary. It joins the legions of expressions such as "mature", "sensitive" and "frigid" which should never, ever be used in reference to your fair self.'

'…is that a compliment or an insult?'

'Well…seeing as your wand is on the other side of the room, in the pocket of the trousers you so wantonly cast aside, I'm willing to take a chance and insult you.'

'Man, I'd forgotten quite how grumpy you are in the mornings.'

'This, my dear Padfoot, is not grumpy. This is post-coital bliss.'

'My ass.'

'That's right, kill the mood. Some things never change…'

'It's Saturday, right?'

'I believe so, seeing as it's nearly midday and nobody's been up to drag us from our cozy love-nest.'

'I really wish you wouldn't say things like that so cynically.'

'I'll say them any damn way I want to. Now, I have a question for you, my lord.'

'Fire away. I'm all ears.'

'You are not. You are currently engaged in plaiting your fringe, and thus cannot be listening to my important proposition.'

'Ha! I'm…nicely in touch with my feminine side and thus, Mr Lupin, can multi-task, much like my female counterparts. Nevertheless, I will cease my narcissistic preening seeing as you asked so nicely.'

'Yeah, yeah…anyway…so…I know it's not, like, that much of an offer and all that…but I thought you might want to…I mean, you don't have to or anything…'

'Remus. Breathe, mate.'

'Um…do you want to come round mine for the summer?'

'…'

'…what? Listen, I'm sorry…we can forget I asked…I know, I know I shouldn't be all…sappy and stuff, and I should have realised you wouldn't want to…I'm sorry, Pads, let's just forget about it…'

'You really are the daftest fool I ever met. Or shagged.'

'Um…'

'You really do get your proverbial knickers in a twist, don't you? The way you were spluttering and stuttering you'd have thought you were proposing to me…or offering me the position of Minister for Magic or something…jeez.'

'So…you wouldn't mind coming, then?'

'Wouldn't mind? Remus, it would be the coolest thing ever!'

'Well…it really wouldn't be all that…you know, we're all…Muggly and stuff, we haven't got elves and so on…and our house is the definition of cramped…I just thought…seeing as Prongs and Wormtail are going to be away and stuff…I mean, if your family has a better holiday planned…'

'Well, last I heard, they were planning a trip to Iceland to visit some sordid old relation who likes to torture unsuspecting tourists into insanity using old opera records, cheese graters and the good old-fashioned Cruciatus curse. Tough decision, I have to say…'

'Well…it would…be so fantastic if you could come…my mum would really like to meet you.'

'Oh, dear fucking hell.'

'What? And stop elbowing me in the sides, please.'

'Remus…what the hell did you tell your mother about me?'

'I told her…that you're about six foot, you have black hair and a penchant for leather clothing…that you deflowered, corrupted and otherwise were responsible for her only son's descent into shameless sodomy, and…that you're a bit of a screamer in the heat of the moment, so it would be advisory to invest in some ear-muffs.'

'No, really. What did you tell her?'

'So she wrote back and said, "that's lovely, dearie, why don't you invite your nice friend to stay this summer?"'

'Remus. I am warning you. I will tickle you so hard you will urinate. And that would be doubly difficult to explain to the house-elves.'

'It's your bed.'

'So? Anyway, tell me…what does your dear mama know about…us?'

'…'

'…'

'…Pads, it's really bad…I've never lied to them before…I just feel so…like torn up inside…every single time I write to them, I feel like the entire letter is a lie, because I'm missing out my biggest piece of news…'

'Why don't you just tell them?'

'Wow! And there goes the annual display of gratuitous naivety from Sirius Black…can you imagine it? My dad still drinks himself unconscious every few weeks because his son's a freak…how do you think he'd cope with him being…a raging bender?'

'And you criticise my turn of phrase?'

'Well…that's what he'd say, anyway.'

'Aww, Moons, don't look so glum. We don't have to do anything at the moment. I'm not going to tell them if you don't want to.'

'Thanks, Pads. You won't…do anything too obvious in front of them, will you?'

'Perish the thought. Like what?'

'Ooh, let me think…maybe caressing my thigh while we're watching television…'

'While we're what?'

'Ah. Well…I'll explain that one later. Or how about feeding me Pot Noodle lovingly…that's a definite no-no…'

'What Noodle?'

'Um. Another tricky one. This is going to be…interesting at best…'

'And at worst?'

'The mind boggles, Sirius. It really does.'

'Well, I'm a-getting up. I need to write to your mum and say thanks for having me stay…'

'You never write letters. Last summer we didn't see you for two months and all I got was a scrap of paper with "have a good summer? When does term start?" scrawled on it…'

'Well, I'm willing to make an exception for you, my love.'

'Hm. Well…I'll have to proofread it, I'm not having you dropping hints or anything because your warped brain somehow thinks it's amusing.'

'Hints? Comme quoi?'

'Well…any mention of guacamole is out. Likewise broomstick references, pink Superman boxers and…sparkly turquoise thongs.'

'Dude, you're such a spoilsport. But it's nice to know you catalogue our relationship like that.'

'Sirius, those are the moments that have left me scarred for life. They greatly outnumber the moments that make me realise what a wonderful, caring lover you are.'

'Really?'

'No. Well…they do, but the really good, tear-jerking moments are far superior.'

'You're such a girl.'

'I think you'll find I'm not, actually. But I'm just a pedant.'

'Yeah, whatever. So, these tear-jerking moments…'

'Like that time you stopped hexing Snape for a whole day because I asked you to.'

'Only because you promised to let me comb your hair into your eyes.' (AN: no, not in an emo!Remus sort of way…because that would be a bit odd.)

'Oh, yeah…well…um…what about the time you read A Tale of Two Cities instead of those stupid comics when you were ill, just because I recommended it?'

'In my defence, I did say it was shite. Which it was. There was, like, no sex in it. I thought Muggle novels were supposed to have guns and stuff in them.' (AN: once again, Sirius displays absolutely no literary taste.)

'It does have guns in it. I thought it would appeal to you…anyway, it's better than the "Fantastic Adventures of William the Wonderful Warlock"…'

'I haven't read that since I was eleven.'

'Better than "Hot n Steamy Witches Monthly", then…'

'Hey! That's James' porn! I wouldn't be caught dead reading that rubbish!'

'Reading, my ass. Well…better than "Gay Magic!" at any rate…'

'Um, excuse me, you got me the annual, you little hypocrite!'

'Oh…did I?'

'Yes, you even wrote a little message in the front cover. Where did you think I got that idea about the handcuffs and the carrots where you bend over…'

'I get the idea, thank you. Nearly killed me, that one. You read about that in that…that annual?'

'Position of the Month for…May, I do believe.'

'Good Lord. Go and write that letter to my mum, now, there's a good boy. I need to have a quiet little read to clear my head after this conversation.'

'What, Hot Dragon Tamers Weekly?'

'Don't sneer, it doesn't become you. No, Rebecca, if you must know. Good, wholesome fun.'

'I told you you're such a girl.'

'Piss off.'

'Whatever you say, my dear.'

AN: I personally am more pleased with this effort. It also opens the way for several instalments taking place during Sirius' visit to the Lupins'. And no doubt I'll be updating in a flash, seeing as I have exams next week. And the next. So, obviously I want to distract myself as much as possible. Lots of love, dd xx