"Third Times the Charm"
by Skandranon
Summary – a lesson in Galbadian social structure
It was an early morning in the Garden, with the sunlight hazily making patterns on the wall of the cafeteria. The small cluster of SeeDs ate their breakfast in relative peace and silence.
"IRVINE KINNEEEEAAAAS!"
Irvine choked on his soda and came up spluttering.
The yell had come from the main hall, loud enough to echo in the circular space. Curious heads turned towards the noise, mostly because it wasn't Selphie's voice doing the yelling this time.
"RRRRVIIIIINE! WHERE YA AT!"
This was a different voice, also female but slightly higher in pitch.
"YO COWBOY!"
And another, lower and huskier.
Squall glared at Irvine for the unpleasant start to his day, and caught some interesting expression dart at full speed across the Galbadian's face. First surprise, then worry, then confusion, and finally a light of realization and pure, stark terror.
A tall, busty redhead leaned through the wide entrance of the cafeteria, recognized the coat and hat, and motioned behind her. "He's over here!"
"Squall," Irvine muttered, barely moving your lips, "If you've ever respected or liked me even a little, please for the love of Hyne, say you're my boyfriend."
The Commander snorted. "Solve your own damn ex issues. I'm not helping."
Two other girls, a blond and a brunette, came through the entrance, and made straight for him with trotting steps.
Irvine gripped the table like he was about to bolt for cover.
The redhead came up and stared the cowboy down with a demanding gaze. "Irvine Kinneas. You with anyone?"
"Um, well ma'am, actually…" he scratched the back of his neck hard enough to leave marks, and sent a pleading look over at Squall.
Squall smirked and crossed his arms. "You're on your own, sniper."
The redhead nodded firmly, and unscrolled a length of paper. "Right. Irvine Traegan Kinneas, under the Galbadian institutional code 348 Section C Paragraph 7, certified by a person of standing and the three involved female parties," she paused for the blond and brunette to nod solemnly, "and following all set standards for the procedure, including blood screening, fertility tests, and STD tests, I, Charon Gashton, and the two involved parties Willina Silverski and Marrae Lornegett, do hereby confirm and demand your complete and immediate obedience under the laws of Triamory. If you refuse, you will be taken into custody by our own means."
"I've got the rope!" Willina chirped eagerly, and held it up as proof.
Irvine knocked over his chair and bolted for the door. He never made it, as Marrae and Charon body checked him and pinned him to the cold tiles. Willina, the blond, quickly made use of her rope to bind his struggling hands behind his back.
"Squall! Help!"
"What is this?" Squall's mood had gotten far less amused during the redhead's speech, and now he stood near them with hand on gunblade hilt.
It was Marrae the brunette who replied. "We're marrying him."
"I didn't agree to thi-mmgrrph!" Irvine snarled around the gag, and shook his head to try and dislodge it before Willina could get it fully tied.
"What, all of you?"
Charon nodded. "Under the laws of Triamory, if a man sleeps with three women and remains single, those three women can form an agreement to share him in marriage."
"Doesn't he have to say yes?"
"Actually, no," said Dr. Kadowaki, who had abandoned her breakfast and research notes during the situation to come supervise. "It's an old law, from the pioneer days. These girls, according to the Galbadian government, have every right to kidnap Irvine here and force him into marriage."
"Grrphktmrnnhm!" growled Irvine.
Marrae patted his head gently. "Don't worry sweetie, we'll take good care of you. Willie, pass me the chloroform?"
Squall tried to ignore how bizarre all this was, and stick to business. "Are they allowed to do this on Balamb soil?"
Charon fished out a paper from her stack of folders and handed it over. "We have an extradition contract. Galbadia demands that you allow us to deport one Mr. Kinneas to his homeland for his wedding."
"What about him being SeeD?"
"He quits," Willina offered.
Charon shushed her with a hand wave. "Let me do the talking. Mr. Leonhart, do you have any resignation forms we could fill out?"
"…We have the forms…"
"Do you need his signature or just his thumbprint on them? And if you need his signature, how soon do you need it?"
Squall shook his head in befuddlement and turned to Kadowaki. "Are they allowed to do this?"
"Unless he's currently dating anyone, I think they can," said the doctor.
Irvine wriggled in protest as the brunette slapped a wet cloth over his mouth and nose and held it in place. She tickled him to get him to inhale, and within a few moments his head was lolling to one side, eyes glassy.
"Are they allowed to do that?"
"They can extradite him by whatever means are necessary, except bloodshed."
"Are we going to allow this?"
"I guess that's up to you, Commander."
Marrae signaled Willina, who grabbed Irvine's legs and hoisted them up. The brunette tucked one arm under each shoulder and together they carried him towards the door.
The redhead gave the gunblader a measuring look. "I assume we have an understanding here?"
Squall hesitated, and remembered Irvine's look of panic only a few minutes earlier. "Wait. You can't do this."
"It's all legal, I assure you-"
"You can't do this because he's my boyfriend."
The other two girls, still in earshot, paused at that, and Willina dropped the sniper's legs in surprise.
Charon cocked her head and raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh really."
"Yes."
"Got proof?"
Squall pulled off his right glove and held up his hand, showing his Greiver ring. The redhead blinked a couple times, and waved a whimpering Willina silent. "Engaged?"
"Yes."
"I contest you for right to him."
Squall shot the doctor a puzzled glance. "What, you want to fight?"
"No, I demand that you show good faith to match our standing."
"Which means…"
"Do you show good faith?"
"Fine. I show good faith. Whatever."
Marrae dropped Irvine's shoulders and stamped her foot harshly. "Dammit, Char!"
"He's taken, Marrae, let's go."
"But we came all this way! The contract, the licenses, the deposits…"
"We can get a refund on the deposits. Come on girls." Giving one last, threatening glare, the redhead shooed her two companions out, leaving the cowboy bound and unconscious on the cafeteria floor.
The few students in the area, realizing the show was over, went back to their food.
"Galbadians are strange," Squall declared.
"You don't know the half of it," Kadowaki murmured. "You do realize that, according to Galbadian law, you're now married to Irvine?"
"…What?"