A/N: I've had this chapter done and sitting in my Word document folder thingie forever…I really have no idea why I haven't uploaded it to be honest with you. It wasn't to cause you all pain, I swear. I took a little liberty with this chapter—there's a mention of Oprah. Ignore the time frame for my sake, yes?
In Which The Dangers of Note-Passing are Realized
Or In Which Lily Makes a Valiant Effort to Scalp Sirius
So. After a few days to recover from the Toerag's…well you can't call it brilliance unless you're using a sarcastic tongue, but I suppose fifteen seconds of genius would be a good term—I started to figure out what I need in life.
I need to carry this damn book around more often and write in it more often. I find it relaxing. I find a lot of things relaxing, honestly, but I never have time for them but if I carry this to class and it looks like I'm actually writing notes instead of writing in a book that can act as a semi-favorable therapist.
Not that I'm saying that I need a therapist or anything.
Not that I'm saying that there's anything wrong with therapy either. If you want to go and spill your guts out to some random person, more power to you. Seriously, I couldn't do that. I'd feel so self-conscious and I'd be aware of every little thing that they do and every little reaction and I'd get this innate sense that they were judging me.
Which they are.
I'm going to shut up now.
Anyway where was I? Right, writing.
So yeah, currently I'm in History of Magic and Binns is talking about…something…. I should probably pay attention because it's probably going to be on exams and I will have no idea what he's talking about.
Goblins of the fourth century were much more barbaric than those of the early fifth century. They used powerful magic and, though we know them to be mostly loners, traveled in packs for protection.
Well that makes sense if a bunch of other barbaric Goblins were around that I knew about I'd get with a couple of buddies and huddle about a campfire. Alright safe to say I don't need these…
Ow. What the bloody hell, I just got hit in the face.
Potter is gesturing for the paper. Apparently Sirius' aim is off and they're passing notes as per usual.
Well. I may as well take a look…
…
OH MERLIN'S BAGGY BITS! THAT WAS…SCARRING! I'M SCARRED! MY EYES BURN FROM THE INTENSE VULGARITY OF THAT…PICTURE.
Fine. I'll send them a note back.
You boys are utterly disgusting.
I threw it at Potter's head. He opened it and sent me an innocent look before writing back. Oh, this'll be educational.
Dunno what you mean, Evans.
You know perfectly well what I mean. 'The bloody hell do you two mean by passing porn around in the middle of class. You're disgusting.
Hey, I haven't even seen it yet. I am at no fault.
Typical response.
I sent the grotesque picture his way.
He smiled and winked at me before opening it and grinning, pleased with himself.
Urgh.
I tried not to hurl in my mouth.
Alright now I've seen the porn.
And what'd you think of it?
Well done, but I've seen better.
Sirius slid the note over to me and I gaped at the new additions.
You boys are sick. And that's not even realistic.
You would know.
Sirius snickered as he wrote this. I read it over his shoulder and promptly smacked him.
AH JAMES! MAKE HER STOPPP!
Oh yeah, I didn't stop smacking him….
Nah, this is kind of fun.
Potter, Black, if you two insist on passing porn blatantly across a classroom intended for learning could you at LEAST not do it above my head?
No can do Lilster. Quickest way to James is via the air over your red mane. And I wouldn't want to deny my buddy the best.
It wasn't the best. I already said I've seen better.
First of all, the girl that you've drawn is unrealistic in every sense of the word.
Really? Care to explain?
Well, do you really think that it's possible for someone to do…that on a broom? I mean c'mon, Black, be serious.
I am Sirius.
Really? I hate you.
Feisty today, huh, Lils? Anger's very, very good looking on you. I'd be careful, I'm already turned on from my art lesson today….
Would you like me to kill you?
Will you spank me like a bad boy?
That's it. Say goodbye to your friend, Potter, I hope that he isn't the brains of the operation.
NO JAMES S.O.S! SAVE OUR SIRIUS! SAVE OUR SIRIUS!
JAMES!
JAMES! WHY ARENT YOU MAKING HER STOP?!
I'm sorry were those pieces of paper that were carelessly carried by the wind for me?
YES YOU PONCE, GET HER OFF! NO NOT THE HAIR!
Miss Evans, please remove your Tiger Lily grip from my friend's tresses?
NO.
Lily, you understand that this is NOT helping the whole 'I am turned on by your feisty attitude' thing, right?
...I don't care. PAIN! PAIN TO YOU!
AHHHHHH JAMES! IT HURTS EVEN THOUGH SOME MASOCHIST PART OF ME LIKES IT!
Why would I stop this? It's probably one of the hottest things I've ever seen.
…You're not my type….
Not you, you jackass.
…Suuuuure.
Fine. See if I help you now.
NO WAIT IM SORRY!
STOP IGNORING MY NOTES!
JAMES!
OW JAMES, SHE'S REMOVING HAIR! I'M GOING TO GO BALD!
I'M GOING TO GO BALD BEFORE PETER!! THAT'S A BLOODY CRIME AGAINST WOMEN, SEX APPEAL AND HUMANITY IN GENERAL!
JAMES DON'T DENY THE FEMALE POPULATION OF MY GOOD LOOKS AND SHAMPOO-BOUNCY HAIR! IT'S SO FRESH AND CLEAN!
JAAAAAAAAMES!
Fine. FINE! I won't be godfather to your little rumpled haired mess of a child!
That's cool, I like Remus better anyway. He has more fatherly instincts.
NO THAT JOB IS MINE, DAMMIT, REMUS CAN KISS MY TITS!
Because we all know you have them.
HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?
Doing what?
PULLING MY HAIR AND WRITING NOTES THAT HAVE BETTER PENMANSHIP THAN MINE! IT'S SOME INSANE WORK OF THE DEVIL!
It's called multitasking.
I've never heard of it.
Watch Oprah.
'The bloody hell is an Oprah? A type of fruit? It sounds delicious. I'm hungry. When's lunch?
Forget it.
STOP MAKING ME TRY TO READ WHILE YOU ARE CAUSING DAMAGE TO MY SCALP!
Sorry.
But not really.
Alright at some point I have to intervene. He's going to godfather my children.
That's wise.
I didn't like the condescending snort that came along with that last note, Evans. You don't think that, in the event that you and James kick the bucket, I could father your children in your absence?
You, Sirius Black, will never come within fifty feet of my children if I can help it.
AND I WON'T HAVE THEM WITH POTTER.
Took you a little long to catch that, Evans….
Stop winking at me.
No, seriously. Stop it. You look like you have Chlamydia of the eye or something.
Would you like me to gouge your eyes out?
I can do it.
I'm warning you, Black, do it one more time….
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR EYESIGHT
JAMES!!
LILY!!
And that's when the screaming actually started.
"GET OFF OF HIM!"
"GET OFF OF ME!"
"OW, POTTER, THAT HURTS!"
"Sorry! I'm sorry, are you alright—HEY THAT WAS PLAYING DIRTY! YOU CAN'T FAKE AN INJURY, IT'S AGAINST THE RULES!"
"WHEN DID WE ESTABLISH RULES, TOERAG!?"
"JAMES GET HER OFFFFFFF!"
"YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HIM CRY, LILY!"
"That's sort of the idea…DID YOU JUST GRAB MY BREAST!?"
"You grabbed her boob?"
"NO! SHIT! I'M SO SORRY LILY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO, I SWEAR—OWOWOWOWOWOW! LILY LET ME GO!"
"You just copped a feel in the middle of all of this? NICEEE!"
"Shut the HELL up, Sirius!"
"Thanks, man—NO LILY, IT WASN'T INTENTIONAL!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"
Except that last one wasn't from either of us.
And if you're thinking it was Binns, you're wrong again.
No, it was McGonagall.
...Shit.
"You three! My office! NOW!"
X-X-X
So it wasn't that bad. We just got a detention. I shouldn't have even had to serve it considering I was really only beating up people who fully deserved it, but McGonagall believes in…equal punishment or some crap like that.
But I have to serve it with Potter and Black.
So…great.
Juuust great.
She also warned me that I wasn't allowed to kill them or else I would be serving another detention.
And considering this is my first detention ever served—EVER—I really don't want to make a second one known to the general public. Once is quite enough, thanks.
So I'm off to serve it. This'll be fun.
A/N: Next chapter: Lily serves detention with her two favorites. Will any of them get out alive? Yes because canon says so. But will they get out unscathed? At the mercy of Lily? Are you kidding?