Oh god, Yzak. I miss you. This is tearing me apart.

I can't stay this way, knowing that all I've done has been for nothing, all because you looked at me that way with your god damned beautiful blue eyes. Those eyes that so ruthlessly pushed me away. I wanted you to understand me. I thought we had something strong enough, something powerful enough to make you realize the truth. But you don't even know. You don't know that I'm still waiting for you right now.

Or maybe you do, and you're just too stubborn to tell me. Somehow I can't bring myself to believe that.

I know it's useless. But I can't let you go. I didn't know we were destined to meet again, but I should have anticipated your reaction all the same. You stared me down with that sour look on your face. That hardened glare that told me to back off. I knew I'd crossed a line somewhere, but my heart wouldn't let me admit it. I should have stepped down, but I refused. I would have been losing everything I'd ever cared about, and I didn't want to surrender.

You don't realize how much you mean to me, do you? You never did. All you ever did was shut me out, block me, and brush me aside. And yet, through it all, I never found the strength to just let go. Maybe it's because I love you.

I tried my hardest to let you know without invading your space. All I wanted was some sort of acknowledgment, some sort of hint that you knew how I felt. I wasn't asking for anything in return. I only wanted you to see me. Not the me that smirked and got smug whenever we were teasing Athrun and Nicol. Not the me that cursed and ravaged and insulted. I guess it's my fault for not making it clearer, but I can't help but think that if only you weren't so cold, I wouldn't be so lost.

Instead I'm sitting here now, inside the belly of the Buster, trying not to think about you. Trying my hardest to forget you.

Can't you see that you aren't on the right side anymore? Didn't it strike you as odd that the war had suddenly taken an impossible turn? I know you better than that. You must have felt the unease. I didn't decide to betray our people for nothing, you know. I'm thickheaded, but not as thickheaded as you. I know when it's time to take a stand and fight for what I believe in.

That's what I've realized is different about the two of us. For a while, I was convinced that you were the one who held the power, the drive, and that impossible passion. You had ambition, something I'd always envied. But where is your ambition now? Why can't you open up to me? I'm aching inside - burning - to know what you feel right now, even if it's nothing but hatred for me.

You should hate me, I suppose. I never tried to tell you that I was alive. I thought about the risk of contacting you. Not the physical risk – Jesus, I would throw myself into hell if only it meant I could have seen your face while we were apart. But my mind was frozen, and I couldn't muster the courage. To hear you speak my name or to watch you move with that sultry grace would have broken me. I was too much of a coward to handle anything of that magnitude.

I fall apart when it comes to you, damn it.

You dared to hold me pinned at gunpoint, and I should have quit right then. I should have accepted my fate. Sometimes war takes sacrifice, and I knew you would never bother to speak calmly with a traitor like me.

And yet, I know you saw the pain in my eyes. I know it hit you like a freight train. All I could do was hope you would come around. I offered you the life raft, but you didn't take it. I wouldn't allow myself to do anything further then, because I needed to know that you wanted me just as badly as I yearned for you. I needed you to tell me on your own, but you didn't.

I want to know why you decided to drown. I want to know what I did wrong, what the hell possessed you and made you decide to throw everything away like that. You thwarted my attempts, denied me even the right of simple friendship for so long, but the moment you warmed up it was finished. I went missing and so you must have steeled yourself to keep from getting hurt again. Damn it, is this all my fault to begin with?

No. You still had time to catch the raft. It wasn't out of your reach yet. The decision to just let it float was yours alone.

So I left. That hurt was like nothing I've ever felt in the past; it was like my entire being evaporated as I turned my back on you. I'd hoped in vain that you'd catch me, scream in my face and tell me you forgave me for leaving, and that you didn't want me to go. That'd be so like you.

You can't say I didn't try to save us. I tried until I weakened, pushed us to our limits. If you never talk to me again when this is through, I guess I deserve it. I just wish you could have sucked up your god damned pride long enough to say goodbye. Jesus, is this goodbye? If it is, I don't think I'll make it.

I should've told you long ago that I love you. There's no question in my mind, but you were the one I was waiting on. A one-sided emotion isn't considered whole. I wanted you, but maybe I was delusional and you never felt the same at all.

I gave it my best shot, Yzak. Now all I can do is wait for you, and pray that I'm wrong and you'll somehow return to my side.

A/N: Oh gods, the angst. I watched episode 44, "A Spiral of Encounters," right before I wrote this. Given it was the third or fourth time I've watched it, but still…the tension between Dearka and Yzak in those scenes made my heart start aching for them, and then it put me in the mood to write some really lousy teen angst. And so that's what I did. Bwahaha.