What You Don't Know..

No one would ever notice, right? I mean, I'm the confident twin. Cody was the smart sensitive one. It would be alright if he cried.

Like at dad's funeral last year, Cody was bawling his eyes out, and his gorgeous girlfriend, (who is sixteen, of course he gets the older girl, even if it is by just a year) comforted him. And mom cried on my shoulder. So I had to be strong for her and Cody, it was almost if I wasn't allowed to show any weakness, even if I didn't feel strong in reality.

I always hid behind my fake confidence, putting Cody down so I could feel better about myself. But by the time I was almost fourteen, that wasn't enough. It was if I couldn't control my hands when they took a razor blade to my wrists. The cuts weren't deep enough to kill me- that's not what I wanted to do. I just wanted to relieve my pain. But of course, no one noticed, I kept my guard up, acted the same, and wore long-sleeved shirts with the same sarcastic remarks written across them.

Now it's just a habit. When I'm stressed out, or feeling depressed, I head right towards the bathroom. Cody is still naïve that nobody, especially me, would do something like that. It would just break mom's heart if she found out that her confident cocky son isn't as secure as she thought. That's why they can't know.

And I've made out with lots of girls, but even that can't compare with my razor. And plus, it's always been about Maddie. I don't know why I'm stuck on her, I mean, I'm just a lowly frosh and she's a senior…but there's something about her. She usually cheers me up, until I see her making out with her jock asshole boyfriend during her break. She doesn't know that I secretly like her- maybe love her, still.

Also, you know, they say drugs are overrated. But trust me, it really isn't. To feel that high, like you are invincible for once, and that nothing can go wrong… it's the best. Sometimes I forget that dad is dead, and that I'm a failure in everything that matters in life. I can forget my own fucking insecurities and I can forget my razor.

I don't know what I want from life, what I want to do with my life. I don't like the past, but I'm even more scared of the future. And failing—I don't try at life because, what if I can't do it, what if I mess up? It's easier to block the situation, bottle up my feelings, and continue to survive. I like to pretend that just surviving as an empty shell is better than real life, and strangely enough, I believe myself.

It's not what you would expect is it? To see my wrists littered with scars, but you know, that's life—and that's how I cope with it.

REVIEW! I originally was going to make this a one shot... but now I have quite a few ideas to go on with the story. So tell me what you think!

Oh, and I think this is pretty different from all the other TSL stories since they never show Zack being the insecure one, do you guys like that or not? I can only know this if you guys REVIEW!

love you all.