Of all the things that never should have happened, this was at the very top of the list. Alucard tied to a bed by the neck, held by blessed rope.

"I'm sorry Alucard, it must be done."

"Yes Master," was his tight reply. He'd voiced his feelings about this…fiasco; he knew she didn't like it any more than he did.

"Put this on, it will help," Integra handed him a pair of leather pants with a grimace on her face. She was never going to forget this night; it really was an act beyond the realms of sanity, even by her standards.

"I don't understand how-", he started, but Integra stopped him.

"None of you whining, I'll not take it. You must serve your Queen and country, I demand it."

"This is not serving Master! This is prostitution!" Alucard looked angry and a bit shaken. "If I'm going to be fornicating with every godamn hussy that you throw at me I'm going to want better benefits."

"Alucard, don't be a prude, she's not a hussy," she countered. "Besides, it's hardly prostitution. We're not being paid."

"We're not being paid? Oh, thank you. You've volunteered me to be a man slut. That's exactly the sort of thing I'm looking to add to my resume."

"You've been with hundreds of women, what's one more?"

"You wouldn't understand. I have standards Integra! This is ruining my badass image!"

Integra looked him up and down. Yes, he was ready.

"…I refuse to do this, put me back in the dungeon. Better yet, let me go get some silver bullets…"

Integra continued to eye him, scrutinizing him as if looking for something.

"…please, just put me out of my misery. I've lived long enough, really. I don't mind…"

Then, as if it hit her across the head, the unmistakable realization of what she needed to make him look like a complete and total sex god.

"Walter," she yelled into the general direction of the hall from the guest bedroom. "I need body oil."

"What?" yelped Alucard. "What are you planning Master? You damn well not be thinking of lubrication, I am not doing anal. Period."

"Don't be stupid, Alucard. We need to put it on your skin, make you look nice and… moist."

"Moist?"

"Walter! Body oil! Now!"

"…Master, do you know what happen when people have sex? Hmm?"

Integra appeared to be ignoring him, tapping her foot impatiently, waiting for Walter to arrive with their last minute touch.

"…I'll tell you my dear innocent virgin master. It's quite messy really. People get naked and sweaty and grunt and push unsuspecting appendages into each other, like tongues and fingers and what ever else they can find. Then they proceed to grind and squeeze and make horrible faces until one of them squirts out one of various liquids or they pass out. It's very complicated. You really can't do it with just anyone-"

Bang

Walter entered the room at a brusque pace with a bottle in tow.

"…let alone someone old, baggy and unattractive…"

Alucard's pleas fell on a deaf ears as Integra and Walter began to converse.

"I'm sorry Sir Integra, we don't seem to have any body oil, but we have vegetable oil. I think that will do the trick, don't you?"

"…what was that about oil? I told you Master, I am not doing anal!"

"Yes, thank you Walter. That should do just fine," Integra said. "Will you help me put it on him? I think one of us might have to hold him down, he doesn't seem to want to take orders tonight."

"…is this punishment for that severed head I left in your toilet a few months back? I told you I was sorry!"

"Yes, he's just nervous. It's probably jitters talking. Some males have pressure performing under pressure," answered Walter knowingly.

"WHAT? I do NOT have performance jitters Walter! I am a sex machine. However, although my libido may be strong, not even I enjoy fucking a GIANT WRINKLE!"

"Don't be absurd Alucard," he said to the shackled creature. Then to Integra "He's always had a crush on the woman. He really is excited, he just doesn't want you to know it, he's afraid you might judge him, he is really quite sensitive deep down."

At this Alucard actually let his jaw fall. Had the whole damn world gone mad?

"I'm sure she'll be gentle with him. She's that kind of woman," Walter supplied to Integra.

"I just hope she's quick, I have work I need him to do. He can't be having all fun and games all night."

Alucard was actually starting to hyperventilate on the bed.

"Oh, look at that! He's preparing with deep breathing exercises, what a splendid idea! I hear it can really improve the performance," Walter said, looking impressed.

"Huh," said Integra. It was plain she'd never thought about such frivolous activities before. "I don't care what he does as long as he doesn't disappoint her. Hellsing needs her as an ally; it won't do to be sending her off half baked."

"Oh, Alucard is quite thorough," supplied Walter. Integra looked at him suspiciously.

In the corner next to the bed the phone began to ring. Alucard jumped over to answer it.

"Please, you have to help me! It's gang rape! They're going to-"

He would have gone on, but Walter snatched the receiver out of his hands.

"Hello…ah… yes…we're quite prepared…oh I guarantee it will be the most satisfying birthday you've had in a few decades…oh, very experienced… of course you can bring toys… whips are fine… ten minutes?...splendid, see you then," Walter hung up the phone as Alucard started chewing on the ropes.

Integra threw the bottle of vegetable oil at him.

"That was the Queen," said Walter, an impish grin playing on his face. "She'll be here shortly, and she's brining some personal artifacts."

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Integra sat up quickly in her bed, her eyes wide. She'd had the most bizarre dream. It had been the queen and …Alucard? No, that was insanity. Even for a dream.

She sat up and reached over for her glasses. A dream like that deserved a drink. She threw her legs over the side of the bed and onto the cold floor. Her digital alarm clock read 2:30 AM. Normally she'd be up, but tonight she'd decided to catch up on some rest. (Actually she was very politely offered an ultimatum by Walter to get some rest, or he was going slip her something through her tea, but she refused to acknowledge the fact.)

She crossed the floor to the other end of the room to an empty hearth, a couple overstuffed chairs and a bottle of amber liquid. Yes, alcohol seemed to answer many of life's little problems. It was one of her rare indulgences.

She sat up straight in the chair. The room was cold and dark. In the distance he could hear thunder. It was just as well that she be up really. Soon Alucard would be back from the mission she sent him on hours previous. It usually took him only a few minutes to silence a target, but he took his sweet time getting home.

Home. That's what Hellsing was to her. Her home, her legacy. To be passed on through the ages from one generation to the next, as long as time would permit. This was her fate.

Sometimes, on late nights like these, she would let her mind wander. Let herself think "what if?" It was another rare indulgence, much more so than Scotch or cigars.

As of late it had started becoming more and more obvious that she was without heir or husband, the Knights were especially enjoying pressing the issue. They had even gone as far as to threaten to pick a life mate for her. She, in turn, threatened to let Alucard eat all of them. They didn't forget about the topic though, they found ways of getting their message across loud and clear. She understood quite plainly, she would procreate, or her organization would be taken from her. Yes, that would be horrible. She poured herself another un numbered glass.

Just as she was letting herself become thoroughly depressed and planning on drinking until she passed out in the chair her fireplace sprung to life and out walked Alucard from the flames. Integra didn't even bother jumping.

"Master," acknowledged Alucard.

"Servant," she replied out of habit.

"I thought you retired for the evening."

"Nightmares," sated Integra simply.

"Ah," he responded, knowing all too well.

Integra watched him gently fluff a pillow and arrange it before sitting down.

"Please don't leave any blood from your clothes on my furniture."

Alucard looked hurt, "Master, cleanliness is Godliness."

Integra snorted at his pun. She was too tired to tell him to get the hell out, besides, she could use some company.

"Were they that bad?"

"What," she asked.

"The nightmares."

She looked at him, debating whether or not to tell him the truth.

"No, just slightly disturbing."

He looked at her, she looked into the fire. The way it reflected in her eyes made him shiver slightly. He chose not to name why. She was upset by something and he knew it.

"What's on your mind, Master?" After a while he thought she wasn't going to answer, but he was wrong.

"The Knights."

Alucard frowned a little.

"Did you threaten to have me eat them?"

Integra threw her head back and laughed. She smiled at Alucard and composed herself.

"They want a dammed heir."

"Fools, they complain about how you run things, but they can't wait to get your spawn."

They sat a moment. Integra wanted to go to bed.

"They just want to make me vulnerable," she said after a moment.

"Or they want someone else who would be easy to manipulate."

"Bastards," Integra's voice was full of venom. Wasn't it enough that she gave her life to the jackals, did they have to claim her descendents too?

"Don't worry Integra," said Alucard as if reading her mind. "I won't let any child of yours be so easily cast aside, nor will it be if it is truly your child."

"Shut-up," she didn't want to hear about him and her offspring. She wanted rest.

The thunder outside had grown closer and the sound of rain could be heard from outside. Periodically lightening would flash into the room, illuminating the two figures inside.

"I have a plan," said Integra. "Alucard, I order you to impregnate me!"

Integra stood up quickly and seemed to sway a little on the spot.

Alucard stared at her. The opportunity was almost too good to pass up, however some small part of him wouldn't let him do what his carnal being demanded.

"Sit down Integra; you've had too much to drink."

"Did you hear me? I gave you a direct order!"

She pointed a finger at him as if accusing him of something. She glared at him. He stared right back at her.

"Don't be stupid Integra, I can't get you pregnant. I have no living seed, you know that," he said in a quiet voice.

"Well," she said at a loss. "Fix it then."

The way she way shooting daggers at his man bits made him smile, in an insane sort of way.

"You're funny," he said to her. "I suppose this is why you prefer smoking to drinking."

"I am NOT drunk!"

"And I'm not a vampire."

Integra continued to glare at him, for what seemed like a very long time. Then, as if suddenly becoming aware of gravity as she fell forward.

Alucard watched her land on the floor with a thwump.

He considered leaving her there for presenting him with such temptation, but his affections got the better of him. He really was getting soft in his old age.

He picked her up in a neat little bundle and carried her over to her bed and proceeded to throw her onto her coverlet. She bounced about three inches, but seemed no worse for the wear. He contemplated putting her under the already drawn covers but decided to leave her. It wouldn't hurt her to be a little frigid; after all she was the Ice Queen.

Impregnate her indeed. Strange woman, that one. He shook his head slightly as he looked at her sleeping form, she could be just plain crazy sometimes.