A/N: Disclaimer: I am insane...so I can't own anything...except that jolly ol' idea for this fic!
Judge Itachi
Case 1: Stolen Applejacks
Itachi: (walks into the room, everyone standing up) Yeah, that's right assholes, stand before me! THE JUDGE! (cough, cough)
Everyone: (sits down)
Naruto: HEY! WAT UP ITACHI?
Itachi: SECURITY!
Orochimaru: (slaps Naruto with a sledge hammer)
Naruto: WELL FUCK YOU TOO POWDER!
Orochimaru: Oh no he didn't!
Itachi: SHUT THE HELL UP IN MY COURTROOM!
Naruto: TT BUT HE HIT ME!
Orochimaru: Annoying little fuck!
Kakashi: (comes in) Where's my lawyer? O-o; How am I supposed to be a defendant without a lawyer?
Itachi: NO LAWYER! GO TO JAIL BIATCH!
Jury: GUILTY!
Kakashi: BUT I DIDN'T STEAL THE APPLEJACKS!
Itachi: What the hell? Applejacks? What kind of bullshitty trial is this?
Gai: (bursts in) I AM SUING KAKASHI! FOR STEALING MY APPLEJACKS!
Itachi: OO This is my first case?
Authoress: YES! You have to start off small Itachi! (waves from the Jury)
Itachi: OH HELL NO! Why the hell did the narrator put the authoress in this courtroom?
Narrator: I AM THE DAMN AUTHORESS! (gives him the finger from the Jury)
Itachi: You may own the fic, but you don't own any of us here! Hence, my last sentence was an official disclaimer!
Authoress/Narrator: YAY! (sits down with the jury)
Itachi: (slams hand onto the table) BRING SASUKE HERE NOW! (snickers) I wanna see his face when I send him to prison!
Orochimaru: He's not in this case. It's only Gai versus Kakashi in the case of the stolen Applejacks.
Gai: TT them shitz taste like apple!
Kakashi: (reaches for something)
Itachi: SECURITY! HE'S TAKING OUT A GUN!
Kakashi: (gets tackled and drops his book)
Orochimaru: Itachi, he was only getting out a book to read.
Itachi: O.o my bad! (shrugs) Now where the hell are the lawyers?
Naruto: They're too scared to come in!
Itachi: Yes, and your face and dragon breath scared them away.
Naruto: OH FUCK YOU!
Itachi: The hell are you doing in my court anyway?
Naruto: I'm here to support Kakashi-sensei!
Kakashi: I don't know him! I don't know that child!
Naruto: Don't be like that sensei!
Itachi: He has all the right to! NOW GET THE HELL OUT!
Naruto: NO!
Itachi: SECURITY!
Orochimaru: O.o you again?
Authoress: May I mention that Orochimaru is modeling the newest, finest police uniforms in the academy?
Orochimaru: Is it silky?
Authoress: YOU TELL ME! You're the model!
Orochimaru: (gets starry-eyed) I'm a model! (walks around the court all model like)
Itachi: Stop that Orochimaru, that's just nasty! (laughs hysterically) No wait…you look nasty!
Gai: MY EYES! THEY BURN!
Kakashi: THE HORROR!
Sakura: WHERE'S MY SASUKE!
Itachi: Security!
Orochimaru: (football tackles Sakura)
Sakura: OO OW!
Naruto: (runs around streaking)
Itachi: (covers eyes) DAMNIT SECURITY! GET HIS ASS OUTTA HERE NOW!
Kakashi: I don't know that person!
Gai: UGH! That's even worse than the model!
Sakura: where's my Sasuke?
Itachi: SHUT THE HELL UP! IF I WANT SASUKE IN THIS ROOM, HE WILL BE HERE! (coughs)
Kakashi: Judge, you have anthrax!
Gai: OH MY GOD! (swan dives off the judge's desk)
Itachi: Oo wtf?
Orochimaru: oh my god! X-x
Kakashi: XD That's one dead body! Two to go!
Itachi: I know you're not talking about me right?
Kakashi: Oh no! (takes out a crossbow) Naruto of course!
Naruto: (running around streaking)
Kakashi: Just aim it right…
Orochimaru: 20 bucks if you get em in the head!
Itachi: NO! 50!
Sakura: A BENJAMIN!
Kakashi: (shoots Naruto in the head)
Naruto: OH SHIT! XX
Kakashi: Now? My money! PLEASE?
Itachi: O.o; no way, Sakura betted the 100!
Orochimaru: Pay up Sakura!
Sakura: TT But I don't have the money!
Rick James: Prostitution is the key!
All: OO EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Itachi: The hell did he come from?
Gai: (jumps back in the already broken window) I WANT MY APPLEJACKS!
Kakashi: (shoots Gai with the crossbow)
Gai: XX DAMNIT! (falls back out the window)
Itachi: O.O all this shit over applejacks? XP and who the hell is bringing in the evidence?
Some hot attorney chick: (walks in with a tape) I have the evidence your honor!
Itachi: Finally some recognition in this shithole!
Kakashi: O.o (gets a nosebleed)
Orochimaru: UGH! (throws a tissue at Kakashi) you perve!
Kakashi: What? O.o; I like pretty faces!
Orochimaru: Oh no, your eyes were lower than her face! I SAW YOU!
Hot blonde attorney chick: Just got implants!
Itachi: OO And I need to hear this shit because! Let's see the evidence!
Naruto: (rolls the tv in)
Itachi: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YOU DUMBFUCK!
Naruto: I am? OO;
Orochimaru: He's such a dumbass he doesn't even know that he died! -
Itachi: HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN TO SOMEONE EVER?
Naruto: Dude…(tosses Itachi some Prozac)
Itachi: The fuck am I supposed to do with this? I'm not depressed! I'm pissed the hell off because this trial is nothing short of idiotic!
Orochimaru: Heh, I agree.
Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: (puts the tape on and drops her pen)
Kakashi: (stabs a little girl in the seat behind the chick and tosses her out the window) OOH! Front view seat! (takes out popcorn)
Orochimaru: TT I want popcorn!
Itachi: Well go get some later Oro!
Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: (bends over to get her pen up)
Kakashi, Gai & Jiraiya: (looking up the skirt)
Itachi: This is the fucking perv fest…
Orochimaru: Not really Itachi, Michael Jackson is showing up in here later on today. That'll be a scream for the kiddies… (insane laughter)
Itachi: OO omfg….
Sakura: (walks off with Rick James)
Jury: GUILTY!
Itachi: O.o who the hell is guilty now?
Jury: (points to Sakura) PROSITUTE!
Orochimaru: (football tackles Sakura) Prostitution is a felony!
Sakura: TT but we were going out for milkshakes!
Orochimaru: (handcuffs Sakura) LIES!
Itachi: LIES INDEED! Milkshakes huh? Eh, why don't you get me a strawberry milkshake float while you're at it?
Sakura: XX WTF is wrong with you judge?
Itachi: FUCK YOU! It's "Your Honor" TO YOU! Oro, take her away!
Orochimaru: (tosses Sakura in prison) The first to be arrested in our courtroom! a proud moment indeed!
Rick James: (vanishes into thin air)
Hot attorney chick in a miniskirt: (picks her pen up and turns around to glare at the pervs)
Kakashi: (points at Jiraiya and Gai) It was all them!
Gai: Nuh uh!
Jiraiya: oh shit! (jumps out the window and drives away in Batman's fast ass car)
Itachi: TT My poor courtroom! All organization is lost! Orochimaru, are we the only sane ones here?
Naruto: (puts the tape on)
On the tape…
Gai: (sitting and eating Applejacks) yummy yum yum yum!
Kakashi: (walks in) Hi Gai. How are you today? (walks over to Gai and the cereal)
Gai: (sneers and eats)
Kakashi: (reaches to his bowl, picks out one cereal piece, and eats it)
Gai: (points) YOU STOLE MY APPLEJACKS!
Tape Goes off…
Gai: TT and that's how it happened!
Itachi: If that isn't the gayest shit I've seen all day!
Dragqueen: (prances around the room)
Itachi: I take that back… --;
Orochimaru: Jury, how do you plead?
Jury: INNOCENT!
Kakashi: OH HELL YES! (does a little dance while singing MC Hammer) Can't touch this!
Itachi: Ooh, now there goes entertainment!
Gai: But what about my stolen AppleJack?
Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: (digs in her shirt pocket and gives Gai 1 Applejack) There you go! All better!
Gai: YAY! (runs off to get his bowl and runs back in, eating his AppleJacks merrily.)
Orochimaru: wow…all this drama over one damn applejack?
Itachi: That was my reaction.
Orochimaru: (kicks the dragqueen out the courtroom) NO ONE CALLED YOU!
Naruto: But I did! He's a better model than you Orochimaru!
Orochimaru: WHY YOU! (chokes Naruto)
Itachi: (hits the piece of wood with the hammer) This case is done and Kakashi is innocent of the theft he was convicted of.
Gai: Oh, so I keep my money too?
Itachi: Well, how much were you suing Kakashi for?
Gai: 5 BUCKS! OH YEAH!
Itachi: OO YOU DUMBFUCK! How the hell do you sue for 5 bucks?
Gai: (shrugs)
Kakashi: Gai! You said 1000 dollars earlier!
Gai: Well I lost so I changed my mind!
Orochimaru: Oh hell no Gai! The system doesn't work that way! You have to pay up or go to prison with Sakura!
Gai: (takes out his wallet) All I have is a few dust bunnies, a paperclip, 20 bucks, my bank card, which is Verizon may I tell you…
Itachi: IDIOT! Verizon isn't a bank!
Gai: XX It isn't?
Jury: NO!
Gai: shit… XoX oh well, I also have my Shop Rite card, my Pathmark Card, a membership for Jenny Craig, a coupon for Blockbuster…
Kakashi: Gimmie those and we're all good Gai!
Gai: HELL NO! Escpecially not my Jenny Craig membership!
Kakashi: (grins) Gai, the membership is all I want!
Gai: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Orochimaru: Gai, you have to!
Itachi: This should be interesting when I ask THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH A MEMBERSHIP FOR JENNY CRAIG? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS KAKASHI GONNA DO WITH THAT MEMBERSHIP?
Gai: I need to lose weight! I need to be in better shape for Rock Lee! (flashes a trademark smile) A teachers gotta be a good role model for their students!
Orochimaru: (wearing sunglasses and hands some to Itachi)
Gai: YES! My teeth are that bright!
Orochimaru: Yes Gai, your teeth are very bright…
Itachi: Oh yeah. They are bright…yellow! XD
Gai: (covers his mouth) WHY YOU…?
Itachi: Not my fault you don't brush em right!
Kakashi: The last time I saw Gai brush his teeth was what…3 months ago? And it was for a "special occasion"!
Gai: FUCK YOU TOO KAKASHI!
Kakashi: Now gimmie the coupon!
Gai: (shoves Kakashi the Blockbuster coupon, jumps out the window, and runs away)
Kakashi: SHIT! I said the wrong thing! I don't even go to Blockbuster! The hell am I gonna do with this?
Authoress: (snatches the coupon) I need it! (runs away laughing maniacally)
Kakashi: TT I've been robbed by the authoress…
Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: Well then Mr. Kakashi, are you suing the authoress?
Kakashi: TT (sniff sniff) I wish…
Itachi: Dude, it's illegal to sue the authoress. I mean, she's like my right hand man!
Orochimaru: She's a man?
Itachi: YES! (gets hit in the face with a brick)
Authoress: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING ME A MAN!
Orochimaru: Oh no…he just meant that you lack lady-like qualities!
Authoress: XX And that's better how exactly?
Itachi: DAMMIT! MY NOSE! (throws the brick at Naruto's head)
Naruto: XP (is KO'ed)
Itachi: Can I apologize and you won't torture me then?
Authoress: I accept your fake ass apology, but the torture now…hm…
Itachi: (gulps) IT WAS MY BAD! I should not have said that!
Orochimaru: (shrugs) What's the worst she can do?
Authoress: Well ItachiXOrochimaru does sound interesting…
Both: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Itachi: I will not suddenly have hormones!
Orochimaru: OO That's just sick lady! Please don't do that!
Kakashi: Nah, it's all right with me!
Itachi and Orochimaru: (jump Kakashi and toss him out the window)
Kakashi: XX damn…
Naruto: I'M BACK!
Itachi, Orochimaru, & Authoress: (jump Naruto and toss him off the roof)
Orochimaru: Annoying kid!
Authoress: Nah, Itachi goes through enough torture trying to keep this place civilized! I'll just remain in the Jury!
Itachi: Fine by me! (mumbles) Bitch threatening me…
Authoress: WHAT WAS THAT?
Itachi: NOTHING!
Jiraiya: (magically is here again) WOW MAN! Itachi's been pussy whipped by the authoress!
Itachi: (GAPES IN HORROR!)
Orochimaru: OO That's just sick!
Sasuke: My brother's gay though!
Naruto: Gay and pussy whipped? HOW SO SASUKE?
Sasuke: (points to Itachi) YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK!
Itachi: Take this for size…SE-CUR-I-TY!
Naruto: wtf?
Itachi: I called "SECURITY" with syllables!
Sasuke: O.o;
Orochimaru: (tackles Naruto)
Naruto: XX
Sasuke: Phew, that would've been me if this moron wasn't standing in that spot.
Authoress: Sasuke, now you're getting annoying…
Sasuke: What you gonna do about it?
Authoress: (claps hands and calls in gay Sasuke fans)
Sasuke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fanguys: WE LOVE YOU SASUKE! (runs over to him)
Itachi: OO; the hell?
Orochimaru: I'm scared…(inches out the courtroom)
Random Fanguy: I WANT TO SUCK HIS COCK FIRST!
Itachi: OO WHOA! NOW TAKE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE! NOT IN MY FUCKING COURTROOM!
Orochimaru: TT I have no fanguys!
Naruto: You want some? O.o
Orochimaru: On second thought, maybe not…
Itachi: (gets a giant broom and sweeps out the fanguys) I GET TO TORTURE MY BRO! NO ONE ELSE!
Naruto: O.o So you're the one that wants to suck his…
Itachi: SHUT THE HELL UP! That's not what the hell I meant!
Naruto: Oh…
Orochimaru: I'm getting some retiring papers…this shit is too much!
Itachi: But then who's gonna take your place? O.o;
Orochimaru: Neji Hyuuga of course!
Itachi: O.o; why not have you both as security! (smirks evilly) Now Oro, you stay, I give you POPCORN!
Orochimaru: YAY! I'M STAYING! -
Itachi: Yes, love the Butterworks POPCORN!
Naruto: I like ramen!
Neji: (tackles Naruto)
Itachi: (laughs maniacally) Oro! READ MY NEXT CASE!
Orochimaru: Ahem, next case is….Whitney Houston V.S. Bobby Brown! It's a divorce case!
Itachi: How did I not see that one coming? O.o What else?
Orochimaru: Well, Sakura is suing you!
Itachi: me? Oh right, she's in prison because of me! And her ass is staying in there! XD
Neji: (evil laughter)
Orochimaru: Now…ahem…case after that is…wow…O.o
Itachi: What is it?
Orochimaru: Haku and Zabuza versus the Christian church down the street.
Itachi: O.o I went there yesterday during their service or whatever to shoot someone that owed me money, and I overheard them say that they don't allow gay marriage!
Neji: That's why they're suing!
Itachi: O.o; wow…
Orochimaru: O.o They're Christians?
Naruto: BUT CHRISTIANS ARE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITES IN THE WORLD!
All: true…true…
Itachi: OO OMG! Naruto said something not only right…but we all agree on it!
Neji: (tackles Naruto)
Naruto: XX damn Hyuuga!
Neji: (snickers) Unlike my bud Orochimaru over here, he has the handcuffs, I have the nightsticks! So shut up if you know what's good for you!
Naruto: (shuts up)
Itachi: (looks at Neji) MY HERO!
Neji: All in a day's work!
Orochimaru: O.o shouldn't this chapter have ended already? I mean it is one case per chapter afterall…
Itachi: Erm….I dunno…ask the authoress…
Authoress: You rang?
Naruto: OMG! SHE SOUNDS JUST LIKE LURCH!
Neji: (tackles Naruto and beats him senselessly with a nightstick)
Naruto: T-T
Orochimaru: I need one of those…
Itachi: Use my hammer!
Neji: I have spares!
All: YAY!
Authoress: Just to let you know! Naruto's just some annoying twit so no one of the Christian religion should get offended! O.o; and if you do, remember that this is a fanfic…the hell would you get upset over something typed for?
Itachi: I know something typed that would upset you Authoress!
Authoress: what!
Itachi: NEJI! HAND HER THE PAPER!
Neji: (hands over a pink slip)
Authoress: OO NOT THE PINK SLIP! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Itachi: YES! THE PINK SLIP!
Orochimaru: doesn't that mean that she's fired from her own fic?
Itachi: NO! Not that pink slip! This one is tulip scented!
Orochimaru: O.o wat for?
Neji: Oh it's just a slip saying that the Girl Scouts will be selling their cookies in this courtroom next trial. And they want her back as a Girl Scout too…and she has to…
Itachi: DA DA DUM! WEAR A SKIRT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
Authoress: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! TT
Rock Lee: (comes out in a miniskirt) I don't see what the problem is!
All: OO WTF?
Itachi: BOY! TAKE THAT THING OFF!
Rock Lee: ; NO!
Orochimaru: Don't make me use the handcuffs!
Rock Lee: O.o; FINE! USE EM!
Neji: (tackles Rock Lee)
Rock Lee: OO (skirt flies up)
Neji: OMG! (runs away and hides behind Itachi)
Itachi: O.o; did I miss something?
Neji: (cowers in fear) HE HAS NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH!
All: (GASP IN COMPLETE AND TOTAL HORROR)
Orochimaru: I'm not touching that!
Itachi: GET THE NIGHTSTICKS!
Neji: NO! They'll get contaminated…(takes out a meter stick) this is better!
Itachi: YAY! BEAT HIS ASS DOWN!
Rock Lee: O.o; the meter stick
Orochimaru: OO He's getting ideas! Put it away Neji!
Authoress: OO; The hell? Lee, isn't that Sailor Moon's skirt?
Rock Lee: NO!
Itachi: YEAH IT IS!
Rock Lee: NO IT'S NOT!
Orochimaru: (gasps) IT'S JC PENNY!
Rock Lee: NO! TT (runs off sobbing) It's Burlington Coat Factory!
All: GASP!
Authoress: TT; that's enough insanity for one day! Let's all go out for doughnuts before the next case.
Orochimaru: YAY! WITH SPRINKLES!
Neji: I just want hot chocolate…
Itachi: Fucked up courtroom…