Artemis and Holly's Guide to Traveling

(Artemis and Holly are standing in the library in Fowl Manor.)

Holly: (with fake Irish accent) Top o' the mornin' to ya, lads an' lassies! Welcome to Artemis and Holly's Guide to Travelin'! Today, we will be lookin' at Ireland!

Artemis: Oh, enough of the fake Irish accent.

Holly: (pretending surprise) Why, Artemis, me lad! I don't understand what you're sayin'! I'm a true bonnie Irish—er, woman, that I am!

Artemis: Bonnie is a Scottish word.

Holly: Oh, right. Er…(with her normal accent) Okay, then. Anyway, as I was saying, we'll be traveling to Ireland today.

Artemis: Traveling! All we have to do is step outside the door and—

Holly: (whispering) Shhhhh! (in normal voice again) Okay…come with me to Ireland!

(Screen goes black, then un-blacks to see Artemis and Holly running down the stairs at Fowl Manor.)

Holly: (waving furiously at camera and unseen cameraman) Not yet, Commander!

Commander Root: Captain Short—

Holly: I should remind you that I'm in charge now. And I say to turn that camera off for a second, until I give the signal!

Commander Root: Fine.

(Screen goes black again, then un-blacks once more. This time we see Artemis and Holly racing through the front door.)

Holly: COMMANDER!

(Rushes toward the camera. We hear the sounds of an unseen scuffle, then the camera is jerked violently. We hear Holly's distant voice.)

Holly: BUTLER!

Butler: What?

Holly: Would you film for us? Our present cameraman…er…has been the victim of an accident.

Butler: What did you do to him?

Holly: (guiltily) Um, just sort of knocked him over the head with my gun.

Butler: You didn't kill him!

Holly: No, just made him black out. He'll be back in a minute. But he probably won't feel like filming.

Butler: You know, I have to warn you, it's probably not a good idea to knock your commanding officer unconscious.

Holly: Yes, well…

Commander Root: (blearily) Captain Short! What did you do to me?

Holly: Uh oh…gotta run. AAAAAAAAH!

Butler: I didn't think I should have taken that literally.

Commander Root: (shouting after Holly) I'LL HAVE YOUR STRIPES! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME WITHOUT FACING THE CONSEQUENCES! YOU KNOW THAT! CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN SHORT! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME! GET BACK HERE!

(We hear his footsteps pounding after hers. There is silence for a minute.)

Butler: Well.

(Holly arrives, panting.)

Holly: I—think I—threw—him off. (takes deep breath) Phew! Now then, I think we should recuperate before filming again—Oh shoot!

Butler: What?

Holly: I think the camera's still on!

Butler: Great.

(We hear footsteps. After a moment, we see Holly's knees as she kneels beside the camera.)

Holly: Yep, it's on all right. Oh, I'm going to kill him!

Butler: I wouldn't advise that.

Holly: Ungh.

(Camera goes black. A minute later, we see Commander Root and Holly yelling at each other. The sound is up all the way, so the yelling is really loud.)

Holly: WELL, SORRY! I COULDN'T HELP IT! YOU KNOW I—

Commander Root: JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS—

Holly: I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS!

Commander Root: WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS THEN!

Holly: (without a pause) IF ANYONE HAS ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS, IT'S YOU!

Commander Root: NOT TRUE! YOU'RE JUST SO SHORTSIGHTED YOU CAN'T SEE TWO INCHES PAST YOUR OWN NOSE!

Holly: HAH! YOU JUST MADE A MISTAKE! IF I WAS SO SHORTSIGHTED, I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE MY OWN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS, IF I HAD ANY!

Commander Root: YEAH, WELL, TOO BAD, 'CAUSE YOU DO HAVE SOME! A LOT!

Holly: UH HUH! IF I DO, THEN WHY IS IT THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS THE ONE YELLING AT PEOPLE! AND WHY IS YOUR FACE RED HALF THE TIME, HUH!

Commander Root: SO WHAT IF I DO GET MAD SOMETIMES! ALL COMMANDING OFFICERS DO! AND IF YOU THINK THIS IS BAD, YOU SHOULD JUST GO OUT AND GET ANOTHER JOB AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, AND—

Holly: (in a fairly normal voice) Uh oh.

Commander Root: (also normal voice now) What?

Holly: I think the camera's on again. (walks over and picks it up) Yeah. And—oh no…

Commander Root: WHAT!

Holly: It was, er, up to full volume.

Commander Root: Um, oops.

Holly: YOU DID THAT! YOU—YOU—YOU IDIOT IMBECILE!

Butler: (we can't see him, but we hear his voice) I'd switch that off if I were you. I don't think you want any witnesses when you kill him.

Commander Root: What do you mean?

Holly: Uh, Butler? I have no clue what you're talking about. (whispers to Butler) Play along.

Butler: Oh, sorry. Still, though, I think you should turn the camera off. The audience probably don't want to hear you two bickering—(breaks off as Holly glares at him) Uh, settling your disagreement.

(Camera goes black once again, then un-blacks. Holly and Artemis are standing on a green meadow, in full view of Fowl Manor.)

Holly: So, back to our show. We apologize for any inconveniences or loss of hearing that past scene may have caused. Anyway, our first stop today is Fowl Manor. (Indicates the house with her hand.) It is a grand old house, first built—

Artemis: (turns to Holly) You didn't put Fowl Manor on your list of places we were doing!

Holly: Yeah, well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

Artemis: (sighs and rolls eyes) You don't say?

Holly: Whatever, fine, we'll move on to the next place. The Lia Fail. Ahem. (elbows Artemis)

Artemis: What?

Holly: Tell them about it.

Artemis: Oh, right. (pulls out cue cards and begins reading, not looking up at all) The Lia Fail—

Holly: Put those down!

Artemis: (puts them down) Now I don't know what to say!

Holly: Fine, we'll move on to the next place. The Giants' Causeway.

Artemis: Okay. The Giants' Causeway. No one knows how it was formed—

Holly: Stop!

Artemis: What?

Holly: They do too know how it was formed!

Artemis: No they don't!

Holly: Yes they do!

Artemis: No they don't!

Holly: Yes they DO!

Artemis: NO, THEY DON'T!

Holly: Well, the fairies know how it was formed. And if you'd been using your cue cards, you would have known that.

Artemis: You told me to put the cue cards down!

Holly: AAAAARGH! (takes deep breaths to calm down) Fine. We'll move on to the next place. All right, let's see…(takes out piece of paper and consults it, running her finger down the list as she goes) We've done Fowl Manor, the Lia Fail, and the Giants' Causeway. Next up is…the conclusion.

Artemis: (smirking) I didn't know there was a place called the Conclusion.

Holly: Oh, be quiet. In conclusion—

Artemis: Thank you for that lovely request. I shall do my best to comply.

Holly: You're not doing your best to comply now, are you?

Artemis: All right. Go ahead.

Holly: As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted (looks pointedly down at Artemis)…In conclusion, Ireland is beautiful—

Artemis: Uh-huh.

Holly: —green—

Artemis: Uh-huh.

Holly: —has lots of sheep—

Artemis: Uh-huh—hey, wait a minute!

Holly: (continues on as though she didn't hear him) —is an awesome place to be—

Artemis: Uh-huh.

Holly: And—WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE AGREEING WITH ME! STOP AGREEING WITH ME! WHY ARE YOU AGREEING WITH ME! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH ME!

Artemis: This is my home country you're talking about here. What, do you expect me to insult my own home country?

Holly: Just because this is your home country, you think you can agree with me!

Artemis: Well, sorry. You don't have to get so mad, you know.

Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

(Holly pulls out her gun and chases Artemis with it. They run around.)

Holly: (over shoulder towards camera while running) Well, that's all for today! See you next time on Artemis and Holly's Guide to Traveling! (runs after Artemis some more. Camera continues to follow them.)

Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

(They keep running for a second.)

Holly: (still over shoulder, while running again) Butler? Are you still filming? Butler! Turn off that camera! Come on! Butler! Please? We're not supposed to be filming this! Butler! Butler!

(Camera goes blank for a second, then we see Butler. He is standing in the library of Fowl Manor.)

Butler: And that's all for today! See you next time on Butler's Comedy Show!