Here's my first SW attempt at humor! (gulp) Hope you like it!

Canzonet

or

The Songs of the Jedi:

A story of tragic lovers, brave knights, and involuntary rhyming.

By Pyxelle

OoooOoooO

The Negotiator, Master Kenobi is called. Mediation, they ask for. Go to Canzonet, Obi-Wan should.

The nickname that had started to creep into the lexicon of Coruscant's general populace had only embarrassed Obi-Wan at first, but he had honestly never disliked it. It had even been a bit flattering, truth be told, but the Jedi did not expect recognition of that sort. Modest as he was, even from beginning Obi-Wan had thought the whole thing was a bit silly. Still, it had never bothered him before.

But now that he was trapped on the beautiful planet of Canzonet, a rich, outer rim world that boasted over half of the galaxy's greatest living musicians and had a reputation for being one of the most lovely vacation spots in the known universe, he was growing to hate that nickname. The Negotiator. Really. Who dreamed these things up, anyways?

At least you didn't get saddled with the "Hero Without Fear." What half-brained mynok thought THAT one up? Couldn't they have used a bit of creativity? Are you telling me they honestly couldn't come up with anything better than THAT!

Not to mention they've obviously never actually met Anakin. Hero without fear? Hah! "The Hero Without Common Sense" would be closer to the truth. Or the "Hero With A Death Wish" or maybe even the "Lunatic With The Ability To Drive His Former Master Completely Insane-"

Stop it, Obi-Wan. This is getting you nowhere. It's not Anakin's fault you're here.

No. It's Yoda's.

Obi-Wan was finding it hard to keep the irritation from bubbling up as he remembered the calm manner in which Master Yoda had suggested him for this task. The emotion was actually nearer to true anger than Obi-Wan would have liked to admit, but he wasn't foolish enough to let it get to that point. No, he would complete his duty, as he always did, with the decorum and grace that befitted a Jedi Knight.

And then he would strangle Master Yoda.

The Force flows through us…anger and hatred are of the Dark side…revenge is of the Dark side.

Revenge is of the Dark side. Remember that, Obi-Wan. Revenge…is…of…the…Dark…side. Stay calm. This is just another mission.

Besides, do you REALLY think you could take Master Yoda? Be realistic!

"I could take him," Obi-Wan muttered aloud, surprising himself, and he groaned as he realized that he had shifted on his cushion – hanging one's head in one's hands was not exactly the most beneficial position for meditation. He hadn't even noticed when he had moved. He sat straighter, scooting a little on the cushion so that he was centered again. When he was comfortable he took a deep breath, trying still his thoughts once more. For a few moments his thoughts were calm, but that only heightened his irritation when the quiet orchestral music piped into his quarters caught his attention and he failed again.

"Music off!" Obi-Wan ordered the voice-activated computer, one that had been altered to comprehend human speech patterns. He was surprised to hear how strong the irritation was in his voice. That wasn't like him at all.

This was getting ridiculous. He wasn't a man given to mood swings, and meditation was like second nature to him now – why was he finding it impossible to do even the simplest of exercises? And Yoda had only been suggesting what he had thought was the best course of action when the request for a mediator had come from the small world of Canzonet. There was no reason to focus the blame on him for Obi-Wan's current plight.

Sure there isn't. He knew what he was getting you into, Obi-Wan. He as much as said so…so don't even try to pretend he wasn't playing some sort of prank on you.

He wouldn't! That's not the Jedi way…

Wise up, Obi-Wan. The Jedi code doesn't exactly cover this. "There is no emotion, there is peace…there is no passion…no ignorance, no death…hmm, I don't seem to remember "there are no pranks" in there, do you?

The Council considers the allegiance of Canzonet far too important to risk in some childish prank.

Of course it does. I'm not denying that you're the best person for the job. But they most certainly could have been a bit more detailed in the briefing. How did Yoda put it again?

Obi-Wan heard the words again as if they had been burned into his brain. "Strange patterns of speech, they have, hard to become accustomed to. Speak as they do, you must, or understand you they will not. Grave consequences, a misunderstanding could have."

Try as he might, Obi-Wan couldn't really believe that Yoda hadn't realized what he was getting the newly recognized Master into when he recalled the small alien's words. Yoda's vague answer to Obi-Wan's request for elaboration only made it worse – Duplicate it, I cannot. Only by watching and listening will you learn to imitate them. The utmost confidence in you, I have, Obi-Wan. Of one thing I am sure. Perform well, you will.

Perform well. He had actually told Obi-Wan to perform well.

No, Master Yoda had definitely been aware of what he was sending Obi-Wan into.

You know, I don't remember 'there is no revenge' in the Code, either.

Splitting hairs now, aren't we, Obi-Wan? Besides, you still couldn't take Yoda. He'd wipe the floors with you.

I could hold my own!

Not likely. You can't even meditate properly. Some Jedi Master you're turning out to be. And you honestly think you could actually last five seconds against the best duelist in the Temple?

I'm one of the youngest Jedi Masters ever appointed. I could certainly last five seconds.

Too young, maybe. I'm starting to think maybe five seconds was giving you too much credit. You haven't even outgrown the childish habit of talking to yourself!

I don't talk to myself!

Really? Who am I, then?

Obi-Wan released an irritated sigh as his internal voice called attention to it. Why in the galaxy was this mission bothering him so much? Oddities aside, this was just another mission. Why was he even thinking about challenging Yoda to a duel? That was absurd! A Master he might be, but Obi-Wan wasn't under the illusion that he was anywhere near as powerful as Master Yoda. Obi-Wan knew his skills with a lightsaber were formidable, but there was no doubt that Yoda's own skills far outmatched them. He'd certainly last five seconds, maybe not much more than that, but for five seconds he could unquestionably hold his own.

Sure you could.

"I could," he muttered under his breath in defiance before he could stop himself.

Obi-Wan shook his head. He needed to center himself! The diplomatic council convened shortly, and a Jedi that snapped and snarled wasn't likely to convince the leaders of Canzonet to end the civil war that had swallowed nearly a decade of the planet's recent history. The Republic desperately needed the wealthy planet's monetary support – not to mention the impressive fleet of warships they boasted. But no progress would be made while the Canzonetians were too busy fighting each other to be bothered with the Clone Wars.

Even if both Canzonetian leaders were amiable to allying with the Republic, neither one of them was willing to step down and hand planetary power over to the other. All meetings regarding some sort of joint dictatorship had bordered on disastrous. So far the only thing Consul Ellah and Minister Gaal had agreed on was the decision to bring in a Jedi mediator and that Calamari operas were dreadfully dull.

Obi-Wan didn't really care if Calamari opera was dull or exciting or anything between the two extremes. He only cared about the fact that the two leaders apparently had so little in common that the person who had written the report felt it necessary to include their operatic tastes to plump up their potential coinciding interests.

They both enjoyed opera of the non-Calamari persuasion and they agreed that they couldn't agree on their own – how was he supposed to work with that?

It was a wonderful nothing of a basis for Obi-Wan to build on.

Just what had Master Yoda gotten him into?

There you go again, blaming Yoda. That's not like you, Obi-Wan! So you're going to have to si…uh, alter your patterns of speech. It's not the end of the galaxy!

Of course it isn't.

And I'm not some padawan here to observe a Jedi mission. I'm a Master!

Of course you are.

I'm perfectly capable of handling this. I've negotiated countless treaties before. I'm not a child to be taken by stage fright.

No? All right, if you say so. But just in case you didn't notice, you're talking to yourself again, Obi-Wan.

"I am not talking to myself!"

"You are not what?"

Obi-Wan opened his eyes in surprise. He hadn't heard Anakin enter, but there he was, non-standard brown robes and all, looking down at Obi-Wan with one eyebrow cocked in amusement.

"Master, are you -?"

"No!"

Anakin had his arms crossed and was looking at him skeptically. "I distinctly heard you say-"

"You most certainly did not," Obi-Wan said, climbing to his feet gracefully. He looked at Anakin coolly. "Do you need something, Anakin?"

The amused expression on his former padawan's face didn't fade, and Obi-Wan could tell that Anakin wasn't buying his nonchalant attitude. "The consul is going to arrive momentarily, Master. I was told Minister Gaal is waiting in the arbitration chamber already, and I thought you'd like to be there before the two of them get to each other first. I've heard they have quite a history."

"Been listening to their biography concertos, have you?" Obi-Wan asked a bit irritably, but he followed Anakin out the door all the same. The younger Jedi shrugged.

"You have to admit they're fascinating, Obi-Wan. It seems that almost everyone here has his or her life put to song at one point. You won't find a cemetery anywhere on the planet because they vaporize their bodies after death – but the Biographic Concerto Repositories are huge. Sometimes wealthy families have operas written about them that take days to complete. Their opera halls even have bedding facilities just to accommodate the guests during the opera grandiosos."

"I'm glad to see you're entertaining yourself, Anakin," Obi-Wan said with a sharp note in his voice. "Though I have to admit I'm a bit surprised. You never showed the slightest interest in the musical arts."

Anakin shrugged as they turned a corner. "I've been bored. Remember what Master Windu said." Anakin stiffened, his face falling into a rigid and emotionless mask. "'You have achieved Knighthood, young Skywalker, but even a Jedi Knight must accept training when it is needed. This mission is diplomatic, and you are to strictly observe the proceedings. Leave the talking to Obi-Wan, Anakin. Attend the social events and assist him as needed, but remember you're not going as a mediator, but as an observer. Mediation is Master Obi-Wan's duty.'"

His imitation of Windu's stiff manner of speech was so spot-on that Obi-Wan couldn't help but laugh. "I'd gladly trade with you, Anakin, believe me."

"No, thank you," Anakin shook his head, pulling a datapad from his pocket. He tapped through several screens of text, his face a study in bewilderment. "I would never be able to understand all their rules. This is the most bizarre planet, Master…seriously, just listen to these. 'A key change is only acceptable when the mediator determines the current issue has been resolved and all parties are to move onto the next issue.' Key change? Do they still use physical locking mechanisms? And can you tell me how does that even relate to arbitration?" Anakin's eyes met his briefly, utter confusion in them, before he turned his attention back to the pad. "Or how about this one? 'The mediator and only the mediator can selectively choose to bring the meeting to a halt by a discordant phrasing (orated fortissimo?)' What does that mean? I hope you know, Master, because I have absolutely no clue."

Discordant phrasing orated fortissimo…oh, the Force help me, I can't remember either! Obi-Wan thought with a slight panic, but all he said was:

"I'm sure I'll manage, Knight Skywalker."

"Yes, Master," Anakin replied, not missing a beat. He grinned impishly. "Still, I can't help but be curious…since the Canzonetians have two larynges, do you suppose that when they talk to themselves, they actually get into a shouting match with their inner voices? I'm sure that would be fascinating…I only get to hear one side of your conversations, Master. I've always been curious about the other's side. "

What? Why, that impertinent young-

The words his inner voice were speaking were cut off by a dreadful wailing that suddenly ricocheted off the sleek metallic walls, making both Anakin and Obi-Wan clap their hands over their ears sharply. The exchanged one quick look, both coming to the same conclusion at the same time. Obi-Wan broke into a run.

"I think we're late!" Anakin shouted, hot on his heels. The wailing continued, and now that he was listening to it Obi-Wan could tell it was unmistakably female, and most certainly outraged– the likelihood was high it was the voice of one Minister Madrii Gaal, one half of the ruling powers on Canzonet. Judging by the fury in her voice, Obi-Wan could only assume that Consul Vilan Ellah had arrived early.

Just wonderful.

Obi-Wan skidded around the corner, nearly colliding with a young Canzonetian woman who was frantically trying to calm the two people in front of her

"Piano, piano, piano, please, recall our purpose here today, piano, piano, piano," the young woman singsonged in a voice that was climbing higher and higher with every word. In her desperation she seemed to have nearly lost the ability to form lyrics – the height of agitation on this planet. "Piano, piano, piano, please?"

Her voice had reached a note so high it had actually begun to hurt Obi-Wan's ears. He tried to suppress a grimace, but noticed Anakin's face tightening in pain….apparently, Anakin's own ears were similarly affected.

"Why is she screeching like that?" the young Jedi shouted above the noise.

"I don't know! Look it up on the blasted datapad!" Obi-Wan shouted back. Piano, piano, piano…what does that mean…softly! It means softly!

"Please, calm down!" Obi-Wan shouted again, both hands out in a gesture of peace as he moved towards the violently arguing couple. "If you would all just calm down, we can resolve this peacefully!" Or at least QUIETLY. "Consul…Minister…piano, please! Piano!"

The noise didn't lessen – it didn't even seem as if they had heard him. The words they were singing came too fast, dipping and soaring from deep rumbling to glass-shattering heights so quickly that Obi-Wan couldn't make out a word of it. "Piano!"

"Uh, Master?" Anakin said close to his ear, trying to be discreet but the din around them making it nearly impossible. "You have to sing, remember? They can't hear you unless you sing!"

Blast it. Of course he had known that – hadn't it been what he had been dreading for the past two days? The others on this planet had already proven the Canzonetian race's peculiar neural processing of sound was indeed a planetwide affliction – Obi-Wan had learned that within the first two hours of landing on the planet. At least the Canzonetian ambassador had been there to facilitate communications, but even with his help Obi-Wan had felt as if he was walking about with his face stained a permanent shade of pink. Not only did these people turn everyday life into operatic epics, but they also had a rule for nearly every facet of sentient behavior. An innocent comment or gesture could be taken to be far more than it was intended to be.

And unfortunately, according to Canzonetian law, the ambassador couldn't assist Obi-Wan in the arbitration. The only individuals allowed in the chamber were to be Obi-Wan, Consul Ellah, and Minister Gaal. Though he knew it was highly unlikely, Obi-Wan had somehow hoped at least one of the two faction leaders would be one of the rare individuals born with the ability to process common galatic speech patterns. The ambassador to Coruscant could, after all, though it was probably because of that ability that he had risen to ambassador in the first place.

But Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight and newest Master appointed to the revered Jedi Council, was finally going to have to face the truth.

And the truth was that Obi-Wan wasn't going to be able to avoid it anymore.

He was trapped. Like a bird in a cage.

He was going to have to sing.

He was going to have to sing throughout the entire arbitration.

He was going to have to mediate with melody.

He was going to be ill.

"Master?" Anakin said in his ear again, and Obi-Wan gritted his teeth.

"I know, Anakin!" he almost snapped, but he kept the expression on his face calm with no small amount of effort. He had read the background information the ambassador had given him upon landing on Canzonet, after all. It wasn't if he hadn't prepared for the mission. And Anakin had brought along his…

Wait a minute, Obi-Wan, backtrack for a moment.

The mediator can bring the meeting to a halt, he remembered Anakin reading from the datapad only moments ago, with a discordant phrase orated fortissimo….discordant phrase. Off-key. That should be easy…fortissimo…fortissimo…

"MASTER!" Anakin shouted in his hear so loudly Obi-Wan flinched. "Are you going to do anything?"

Obi-Wan opened his mouth to retort when it hit him.

Loud! Piano means softly, fortissimo means loudly! Sing something off-key as loudly as you can, Obi-Wan!

The sound that came out of his mouth was not beautiful. It was not clear, it was not bell-like, it was not melodious– it was not any of the adjectives he had ever heard to describe music at all. It was barely even music. The only reason Obi-Wan even qualified it as such was the statuesque Minister Gaal's mouth dropped open in shock at the noise, while the burly Consul Ellah's jaw snapped shut as the warlord's shaggy head whipped around to stare at the Jedi who was creating the woefully out of tune note. Even Anakin looked a little stunned.

"PIIIIAAAAAANOOOOOOO!"

He held the 'o' as long as he could, which was quite a bit of time considering his excellent physical condition. When he finally released the note, there was a silence so total the only sound Obi-Wan could hear was his own just slightly louder breathing.

Blessed silence. Obi-Wan was beginning to develop a headache already, and he took a deep breath, using the moment of peace to collect his thoughts. It was a futile effort, for peace didn't last quite that long.

"The Jedi are here!" the young woman sang with with an obvious relief, rushing up to Obi-Wan and grabbing his hand to pull him closer to where the two warring leaders stood. "Civil war's end is near! To make peace between Ellah and Gaal! My soul cheers!"

Obi-Wan supressed a groan. Here it was. Singing the words felt like he was tying knots in his tongue, but he somehow managed anyways.

"The Jedi cannot make peace, we can only but try, for it isyou who must strive, and not I."

All in all, he was fairly proud of it…all right, it was terribly out of tune – even his untrained ears could tell that – but it rhymed. When dealing with the upper classes on Canzonet, it was considered rude to sing 'common.' Obi-Wan still didn't quite see how he was going to be able to come up with spontaneous lyrics in rhyme for the length of time he was going to be consulting with the planet's two leaders, however.

"I assume by your song, you are the Knight sent along, when for aid there was sent a request?" The man Obi-Wan could only assume was Vilan Ellah greeted him with a voice that was far more pleasant to hear than his own, especially due to the melodic counterpoint he created with his second set of vocal chords.

"You do assume correctly, Consul Ellah…" after a moment of trying, Obi-Wan gave up on trying to rhyme something with 'request,' though he knew that leaving an open-ended verse like Ellah had done meant the respondent was supposed to answer with a complementary rhyme. Obi-Wan most certainly didn't want to use the only word that came to mind when he tried to rhyme 'request.' Somehow he thought it might offend the heavyset warlord. "Master Kenobi, I am."

You sound like Master Yoda when he's singing in the shower. Obi-Wan thought wryly.

"Master Kenobi, we greet you with great joy," Minister Gaal stepped in front of him, bowing her head only slightly before raising her eyes to meet his. They were a smooth, silver blankness – the Canzonetians possesed no pupils, no irises – their eyes were only smooth surfaces of varying shades of metallic brightness. Even though in every other respect they appeared human, the effect was unsettling. "Please forgive Vilan's rude reception, for his brave front's a deception, in his heart he is just a small boy, small boy. Just a whining and pining small boy."

Nice rhyming. Obi-Wan thought.

Not bad, his internal voice agreed. But pining? Why would he 'pine?' What does that mean?

Consul Ellah was spluttering so badly that Obi-Wan took a small step back to keep from getting an unwanted shower. The graying beard on his face quivered with rage. "Small boy? Small boy! Why you witch! Why you bi-!"

"Piano, piano!" Obi-Wan tried in vain to gain their attention, waving his arms in the air and shouting, but his singing voice cracking and losing the melody before he could come even somewhat close to overpowering the Canzonetian aristocrats' song.

After an extended and completely futile attempt, Obi-Wan glanced over at Anakin, hoping that the young Jedi had something in that datapad of his that would help with this bizarre predicament. Anakin just shrugged helplessly, smiling with sympathy that was a little too amused for Obi-Wan's taste, and the hope that was crushed was beginning to be replaced by exasperation. These weren't two people capable of governing a world…these were two spoiled children.

This has gotten completely out of hand.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and opened his mind to the Force, letting it's calming flow fill his spirit, and his unfamiliar exasperation faded as the familiar comforting warmth of the Light side soothed him. He reached into himself as he breathed deeply, pulling the calm eddies of power in with his breath and weaving them all together in a harmony of energy and Light.

Obi-Wan opened his mouth and sang.

He sang no words, thought consciously of no melodies, but the power behind his voice overshadowed the two feuding Canzonetians effortlessly. The voices that had been raised in anger faded away almost instantly, once again looking at him in shock, but he didn't stop just because of their silence. Obi-Wan wasn't going to let them fall right back into their twisted little tragic opera of bitter ballads and insults cleverly disguised as innocuous ditties – no, this time he was going to get their attention and he was going to keep it.

Obi-Wan held the note far longer than he had earlier, but his steady, controlled vibrato didn't waver and the volume of his voice in perfect pitch remained as steady as his faith in the Jedi Order itself. There were no words, but the authority in his tone was unmistakable and impossible to ignore. When he finally released the note and the only noise to be heard was the lingering command of his own voice echoing solemnly throughout the gleaming corridor, not only were Gaal and Ellah staring at him in silent shock but Anakin was as well. Only the young woman who had been attempting to calm the political rivals earlier wasn't stricken dumb.

"That was beautiful," she said, her face almost awed. Obi-Wan didn't acknowledge the compliment, instead shaking his head.

"Beauty's not in the song, but the soul of the singer," Obi-Wan reminded her, the timbre of his voice reaching a more natural level as he began to release the Force. "And your world's beauty dies every day this war lingers."

Obi-Wan was intent on his words but couldn't help the relief he felt hearing that he remained in tune and his voice was still strong even though he was no longer using the Jedi arts to aid him. He looked back and forth between Madrii Gaal and Vilan Ellah. "Look around! Aren't you proud? Reap the fruit of your scourges! Cull their fears, harvest tears, and when wintertime comes you can feast on their dirges!"

Though the silence that followed the chorus of his words was profound, it did not last long before it was broken.

"While your words cut me deep, blame is Vilan's to keep-" Gaal began stubbornly even as Consul Ellah's lips parted to sing a refrain of his own defense.

"Your eyes judge much too swift, there is more to this rift –"

"Don't explain, please refrain, 'til you put aside vanity," Obi-Wan cut them both off by raising the volume of his voice sharply, a feat surprisingly easy considering he was facing two of Canzonet's most powerfully gifted vocalists. But now that he finally had their attention, Obi-Wan was determined to keep it. "Act your age! Banish rage! That you waste time on blame is not only a shame, it is also inane and insanity!"

Anakin was looking at him with something akin to shock on his face, while both Canzonetian officials had cast their eyes downwards. To Obi-Wan's amazement he could see embarrassment on both politician's faces, and Consul Ellah was actually flushed.

"Obi-Wan, that was…well, good," Anakin said in disbelief. "Really good…I didn't know you could sing."

"Thank you, Anakin," Obi-Wan replied dryly. Despite his tone, he felt a huge measure of relief. He couldn't be sure, but he was fairly certain that throughout the whole thing he had even been in tune. "To be honest, neither did I."

Vilan Ellah was walking up to Obi-Wan, his face an expressionless mask, and Obi-Wan schooled his own features into the serenity the Jedi were legendary for even though he didn't feel much of it right now.

"Please excuse us, Sir Knight, for this tasteless small fight," Ellah apologized, despite his fierce exterior his words sincere and almost overly filled with emotion. Overacting, aren't we, Consul? The voice in his head whispered, but Obi-Wan shooed it away easily. "We will try to keep peace in these halls."

Ellah's expectant expression let Obi-Wan know he was supposed to respond. Probably in rhyme. The Jedi's mind began to search frantically for a suitable 'alls' word, but Obi-Wan hadn't been given a full second to reply before Gaal, not to be outdone, pitched in with her own apology.

"Though the time has be lost, let peace not be the cost, for o'er more than this marriage does our feud cast its pall."

Obi-Wan froze for a moment too brief to measure. The he spun, utter shock swallowing his mind. There was a clatter as he did so – Anakin had dropped his datapad.

"Marriage!" the two Jedi exclaimed in unison. The feuding couple just looked at them blankly. Four human eyes stared at four metallic Canzonetian ones for a long moment before Obi-Wan broke the silence.

"You're married!" he asked incredulously, his eyes flickering from the impeccably dressed Madrii Gaal to where Vilan Ellah stood looking perfectly comfortable in his barbarian's garb. "Actually…married!"

"To each other?" Anakin's stunned voice followed immediately after.

The Canzonetians just blinked at them.

"Master Yoda is not going to get away with this," Obi-Wan muttered out loud before he knew he was going to do so. He looked quickly at his padawan (no, a Knight now, his internal voice reminded him) and was relieved to see Anakin was far too preoccupied to notice Obi-Wan's slip of the tongue.

"Please don't tell me this entire war is due to a…a….a lover's spat!" Anakin demanded. The warring couple just frowned at him. "Is that what you contacted us for? To mediate a marital dispute?"

Still no response. Just blinking.The two dignitaries looked at each other, perplexed.

"Do they speak?" Ellah asked.

"Or just squeak?" Gaal replied.

"By the Force, just be still if a truce you do seek!"

A new voice had joined them, but not one completely unfamiliar – it belonged to the young woman who had been trying to calm down the two opposing leaders when the Jedi had entered. She rolled her eyes in exasperation before glaring at of Gaal and Ellah, walking past them and actually slapping Ellah's weathered hand away from her as she past. Obi-Wan thought he saw a slight smile of appreciation on her face as she glanced at Anakin but there was only grave resolve on it when she faced Obi-Wan. He couldn't help but notice her eyes were bright silver only slightly tinged with a copper hue – the same hue that was just a few shades darker in Vilan Ellah's eyes.

"Master Jedi, I am daughter to both Madame Gaal and Sir Vilan," she sang in a clear, pretty voice, utilizing only one set of vocal chords and confirming his suspicions, "and poor Tutti's the name I'm unfortunately given. I'll explain, save you pain, and at last we can end this ridiculous war!"

She didn't end with a rhyme, Obi-Wan thought suddenly, and he wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Tutti child! Don't be wild!" the girl's mother seemed as shocked as Obi-Wan would have been if Master Yoda had just walked in and treated them to a operatic review of nine hundred years of curse words. "You know slang in this house is completely reviled!"

"Let her be, Mad Madrii, Tutti's speech fits our times," Ellah sang scathingly, "Nothing's wrong with her words, though they're all for the birds, maybe I'll even try to forget these damn rhymes!"

There was an undeniable look of smugness on Madrii Gaal's face as Ellah realized 'times' sounded quite a bit like 'rhymes.' The heavyset consul ground his teeth audibly, narrowing his eyes at his wife before looking down at his hands, tapping one finger against his palm to keep time and singing so softly and so choppily that it was actually closer to muttering than song.

"…with her words….for the birds…gah!"

Tutti ignored her father, looking instead at Minister Gaal, her hands on her hips as if she were the parent and Madrii Gaal the child, instead of the other way around.

"Calm down, mother, there is much more at stake," Tutti seemed completely unfazed by her mother's criticism. "My speech offends? Then it ends! An attempt at decorum I'll make. But only if advice from the Jedi you take."

Madrii Gaal just blinked in surprise at her daughter, while not far from her the man she apparently called husband was still chanting/muttering to himself.

"…fits our times…these damn rhymes…oh, that free will sees no words is a terrible crime!" Ellah fairly groaned out the last word of his short tune, followed by a long, drawn out note of raspy frustration. "…gahhh!"

His daughter looked at him with a mixture of exasperation and sympathy, and she came over to kiss him quickly on the cheek.

"Should you wish, father dear, I will coach you to annoy mother's ear," Tutti promised, her mother's musical gasp not affecting her own tune. "The condition's the same, I do swear by the Force – let the Jedi advise you on how you finally deeee…"she held the note for so long that Obi-Wan wanted to finish the obvious conclusion of theword for her. "…eeecide to break it off with Mad Mum!"

There was an undercurrent of gratitude for his daughter in the consul's face as Ellah directed a contemptuous but vindicated look at Gaal. His wife, for her part, looked shocked once more.

"Tutti Gaal-Ellah!" She screeched in disharmonic shrillness. Her mouth worked, and Obi-Wan realized she was speechless (songless?) for the first time since he had met her, and that this might be the only opportunity to present itself when he could get a word in edgewise. His confidence somewhat bolstered by the success of a few moments before, when he sang his voice was clear and still in tune, and if the melody was simplistic it was still recognizably music.

"Miss Tutti, am I right in assuming you contacted the Jedi? Obi-Wan sang softly, looking at the young woman and ignoring her parents behind her. She seemed as if she were far more mature than her biological predecessors had ever been. "The surprises today are sending pains through my head…eyes." That last was added in a monotone, as the viciousness of the warning in Minister Madrii Gaal's eyes made Obi-Wan complete his poor verse with proper Canzonetian diction, or at least the closest he could come to it.

But…head eyes, Obi-Wan? That's the best you could come up with?

Obi-Wan sighed. Improvising lyrics for an impromptu opera that he didn't yet know the story to wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do. He looked at Tutti, trying to ignore the imposing figures behind her lithe frame. "If its so, let me know…there's no time for the Jedi to waste where we've no chance to help."

So it didn't rhyme. It was true. He had at least sung it. They could use the Canzonetians help, true, but Obi-Wan was quickly coming to the conclusion that the volatile, musically inclined race was almost certainly more trouble than it was worth. No matter how many warships they could donate to the Chancellor's cause.

"You can help, mark my word, once their story's been heard. They WILL listen, if they don't…well, I'll…I'll…" Tutti balled up her fists and spun, facing her parents as she shouted. "Well then I guess I'll take the damn throne!"

Silencio.

Wait a minute, Obi-Wan. Did you notice that?

Yes, I did. She didn't sing.

It was true that Tutti's words were fortissimo, they were staccato, they were infurianto…but they were not music. It was the first time Obi-Wan could remember any Canzonetian using purely spoken words. No…she had done so earlier, too, hadn't she? Though her parents did not, Tutti obviously had the ability to process common sound and speech as the rest of the galaxy knew it.

I wonder if her parents even understood her.

One glance told him that they had understood her just fine. They exchanged a glance, bizarrely mirroring each other's expression while at the same time confounding Obi-Wan. It was almost as if they were proud.

"Very well, to discuss matters of marriage and lands we will go," Gaal sung in a clear, calm voice.

"And we'll abide by Kenobi's wise counsel to heal this foul fight…" the brief look of joy on Ellah's face was quashed instantly by the deadly look his wife gifted him with once again. "…row. Yes, row, I mean row."

Tutti was shaking her head in exasperation as her parents disappeared into the arbitration chambers. She didn't seem inclined to follow them immediately.

"Master," Anakin said slowly, coming up beside Obi-Wan and looking at him, baffled. "Am I to conclude that we've been sent halfway across the galaxy to settle a divorce dispute? In song?"

"What other conclusion can you draw, Anakin?" Obi-Wan asked without humor. "It would seem that's exactly what we're here for."

Anakin looked at him with slightly wild eyes. "Obi-Wan, this place is insane!"

"You won't get an argument from me, my friend."

Tutti seemed as if she had finally calmed down and she smiled ruefully as she approached them. "Master Jedi, I thank you for your patience today. My parents' fights are of legend, its true, but believe me you'll have saved a whole world from their ruin when we're through."

"I certainly hope so." Obi-Wan said bluntly.

"I can see you observed my affinity for coarse speech," she said/sang, smiling, "yet do not forget my mother and father have no such gift. Though you jarred us all well with your awful first song, later your voice was quite clear, pure and strong," She finished in plainly spoken words. "You have a raw talent for music, I think."

"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied flatly.

Tutti's smile faded, and she looked at Obi-Wan seriously. "Still, for my father's quite vain and can be quite a pain –if peace be the thing, then keep mind how you sing," she rolled her eyes. "Oh, there are times I just can't BELIEVE Mum was Queen and he King!"

With that, she flounced off into the arbitration chamber. Obi-Wan just stared after her.

"Totally insane," Obi-Wan echoed Anakin's earlier sentiment. Beside him, the young Jedi was scrolling furiously through his datapad. Obi-Wan looked over at him curiously. "What are you doing, Anakin?"

"She said you needed to 'mind how you sing,'" Anakin said, tapping through another screen. "I figure that means there is – what?"

The fact that Anakin had burst into helpless laughter did not make Obi-Wan's optimism surface. "What is it, Anakin?"

"You…well…Consul Ellah is a tenor, you see…"

"Yes…"

"Well, he's a tenor…and you…you…"

"For goodness sake!" Obi-Wan was starting to feel fear creep into him. Anakin still hadn't regained control of himself. "Spit it out, Anakin!"

"You…you're a tenor too, right?" Anakin seemed to be getting his laughter under control, finally, but the wide grin only got wider when Obi-Wan confirmed his words with a slight nod. "Well, it seems that musical prowess is a sort of 'measure of manliness' on this world, much like physical strength is on many other worlds."

"Your point?"

"Well, for example…on Tatooine, when a man would start displaying his physical strength – showing off in the wrestling pits, boasting about how he'd fought off a rancor – as if any human could escape one of those pits Jabba kept them in – well, he'd almost always end up with another man contesting him. While it usually started with something as innocent as an arm wrestling match, it usually ended with one of them taking an extended vacation in a bacta tank."

Obi-Wan looked at him in disbelief.

"Anakin," he said slowly, "are you telling me that Vilan Ellah might see my singing as a threat to his manhood!"

"Well…yes."

"Blast it, Anakin, that's ridiculous! My voice is terrible – I can barely hold a tune!"

"Actually, for a moment, you sounded pretty good," Anakin said honestly, and held up one finger, pointing it at Obi-Wan, "and don't forget – you have 'raw talent,' Master."

"I cannot believe this…" Obi-Wan said under his breath, hissing the words out through his lips and speaking more to himself than Anakin. "All right, all right…do they say how I can keep from offending his masculine sensibilities?"

"Oh, yes, they do."

There was a long silence punctuated only by the almost-snorting sounds of Anakin biting back giggles. Obi-Wan favored him with a withering look as the young Jedi tried in vain to speak.

"Oh, give me that!" Obi-Wan snatched the datapad out of Anakin's hand and quickly scanned the contents. His face paled with every pass of his eyes. "Oh for the love of…this is completely absurd…what kind of airs am I supposed to adopt?"

"Feminine airs," Anakin managed before going off into another gale of laughter. "and the suggested attire includes-"

"I am not wearing a hoopskirt, Anakin!"

Somehow Anakin was able to keep some semblance of control, though his face was nearly purple with the effort. "Well, how about-"

"I'm not wearing a tiara, either!"

That was the end of it. Anakin collapsed into gales of laughter. There were actually tears starting to squeeze out from his eyes. Obi-Wan stoically ignored him as he began to read out loud.

"'A man who wishes to declare himself another man's inferior must keep his voice a full octave above the other, as this signifies him as a 'non-man' and thus a non-threat.'" Obi-Wan looked up in baffled anger. "A non-man? What am I supposed to be, a eunuch? And if I'm not mistaken, I'm supposed to be singing in a falsetto through the entire arbitration?"

"I believe so, Master," Anakin gasped.

"I am not compromising my dignity any more than I already have," Obi-Wan stated flatly, watching Anakin with disapproval. "As you should not, Knight Skywalker. I would suggest you get control of yourself."

There was a masculine crescendo of anger from inside the chamber, followed by a woman's outraged shriek.

"I'm sorry, Master," Anakin said breathlessly, "I'm just intimidated by your manliness, I suppose."

Obi-Wan glared at Anakin. Another curse from inside the chamber made him wince, and he cast a despondent look at the door before turning back to the younger Jedi. He didn't believe the innocent look of sympathy on his partner's face was genuine for a moment.

"This conversation is not over," he said darkly before straightening his robes and setting his mouth in a determined line. He had a duty to perform, and he would perform it with the grace and decorum befitting a Jedi.

I want to see how you plan to manage THAT, his internal voice snorted.

You shut up.

A crashing sound that sounded suspiciously like a table overturning made Obi-Wan grit his teeth. I have a duty to perform, he repeated silently, even if it does mean I'm going to ridicule myself. Those two overgrown schoolchildren can't be left to govern themselves, much less a planet!

He hitched in a deep breath.

Master Yoda, I don't know how, but you are going to pay for this.

"PIANOOOOO!" Obi-Wan sang in a high, warbling voice, and it was to the accompaniment of Anakin's laughter that he entered the arbitration chambers.

OoooOoooO

"So, how did it go?"

Anakin's nonchalant voice wasn't able to hide his curiosity, but Obi-Wan was too exhausted to care.

"Seven hours of singing. Seven hours. Forget the Force – from now own, rhymes are my powers. Argh!" The rhyme slipped out before Obi-Wan could stop it. He ran his hand through his hair wearily. "Anakin, I think that I would be quite happy if I never heard another song in my life. Not an aria, not a ditty, if the Force would be willing, not even a poem or limerick."

"That bad?"

Obi-Wan could hear the amusement plain in Anakin's voice. "Anakin, you have no idea."

But you will.

"So what happened?"

"Gaal and Ellah are going to speak their renewal vows of marriage at the gala tonight. They've decided to reconcile."

"What?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "Its true. It turns out that neither of them was very happy with the mantle of being a ruler – not to mention they were completely terrible at it. Once that burden had been lifted from them, they decided they would try their hand at marriage again."

"They'll kill each other!" Anakin shook his head in disbelief.

"Oh, I doubt it, actually."

"Master," Anakin was watching him seriously, and his voice had gained a tone of bewilderment. Obi-Wan met his eyes calmly. "They started a civil war over their divorce. A war that lasted over ten years."

"I am aware of that, Anakin."

"Then what could possibly stop them from sparking off another war if they decided to separate again?"

"Tutti, actually," Obi-Wan shook his head. "Their daughter is very strong-willed, and considering the circumstances, I don't think they'll be able to ignore her if she becomes angry with them."

Anakin frowned. "What do you mean by-"

The message center beeped, and Obi-Wan tapped the controls lightly. "Yes?"

"Master Obi-Wan, would you please inform Master Skywalker that Tutti will be meeting him soon? She has deci-i-i-ded to meet at your door, since our queen knows each floor, while his steps would lead him to wander much more."

"I will tell him forthright and thanks for your foresight, he'll be ready in moments for the gala tonight!"

Anakin was looking at him with terror, his humor entirely fled. "Obi-Wan…."

"Come now, Anakin," Obi-Wan said brightly as the screen flickered out. "We wouldn't want them to think 'The Hero Without Fear' is merely an undeserved nickname, now would we?"

"Master, please…" Anakin's eyes were wide. "You didn't offer me as escort to Tutti tonight, did you?"

"As a matter of fact, Anakin, I did," Obi-Wan confirmation made Anakin groan loudly, and the older Jedi smiled beatifically at his former padawan. "If I recall, just this morning you told me Master Windu had instructed you to handle the social events."

"But Master, I don't know anything about music…I can't even sing-"

"I'm sure you'll do fine," Obi-Wan assured him, patting Anakin on the shoulder. "Oh, and Anakin, there is one important thing I learned while I was assisting with the, shall we say 'reconciliation' of Consul Ellah and Minister Gaal. Be careful when you speak with –excuse me, serenade the young women here. It appears that what seems to be a very simple remark can be misinterpreted quite easily."

Anakin was looking at him with a wary fright in his eyes. "How so?"

"Well, for one thing, if you're singing staccato to a womanfor more than thirteen measures it's considered an invitation for her betrothed to challenge you to a duel. I don't think I need to tell you that the Council would frown on that, do I?"

"No," Anakin replied faintly.

Obi-Wan smiled. "Of course, you might be able to buy yourself some time because to answer the challenge a recipient has to perform an aria at least twelve minutes long – preferably with a dance interlude. " With each musical term the sick look on Anakin's face became more pronounced. "At least, if you're trying to keep the duel from taking place it's recommended. You're quite agile, so you could try that – it would give you ample time to take to your heels and avoid the whole thing."

Obi-Wan tried not to laugh at the utterly horrified look that was slowly taking over his recently elevated padawan's face as he continued. . "Humans lack the dual larynges the Canzonetians use to harmonize with, which means you can't sing a note in two octaves concurrently – so luckily we don't need to worry about that. I'm sure you wouldn't want some hapless young woman misunderstanding an innocent comment you make as an invitation to the carnal pleasures of your bed-"

"WHAT?"

"Anakin, don't shout – do you want to start another war? Keep your voice down! It's considered extremely rude to go beyond mezzo-piano at a diplomatic gathering without a proper period of crescendo first. Even then, it has to be regarding a highly emotionally charged event relating to all parties, and somehow the carnal pleasures of your bed don't seem as if they would qualify."

"Stop saying that, Master!"

"Stop saying what? 'Of?' 'Bed?'" Obi-Wan didn't remember any 'there is no taunting' in the Code, either, now that he thought about it. "'Carnal pleasures?'"

"Master!" Anakin pleaded in a manner much closer to the padawan he had been ten years ago than the Jedi Knight he was supposed to be. "Any of it…all of it…just stop saying it!"

"Goodness, Anakin, there's no need to get in a snit about it. That's one thing we don't have to worry about, remember? You have just the one larynx. It's quite unlikely that you'll have any young woman expecting you to –" Anakin gave Obi-Wan a frantic look that implored him not to finish that sentence. The elder Jedi didn't even pause. "…invite her back to your quarters. The worst you can do is propose to her."

"Propose?"

"Actually, it's more like a handfasting…but there's a simple little ditty that nullifies the verbal contract instantly. The Butcher's Daughter, it's called, though I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. It starts with-"

"Mas-ter Aaaaanakin!" There was the sound of a feminine voice raised in song, and Tutti entered, smiling when she saw the two Jedi at the end of the room. She was dressed in a blue velvet ballgown studded with so many precious stones that it nearly glowed."Ohh, there, there, there you are!"

The excited increase of tempo as she sang there, there, there you are made Obi-Wan bite back a grin and Anakin pale visibly.

"Uh, hello…hello hello," Anakin tried feebly, his monotone voice not seeming to faze the young woman as she beamed back at him with shining silver-copper eyes.

"The gala is about to begin…please, sir, oh please, don't hide away. The gala awaits you, the gala awaits me…the gala awaits us to-geth-er!" Her voice had gone higher and higher with each word, and the last syllable was held for almost four whole counts before she released it. Anakin looked at her helplessly.

"I'm sorry, Miss Tutti, Master Obi-Wan is teaching me a-" he began.

"Your words, your words, most strange are your words," she shook her head as the words shifted between two notes in a manner that could only be called mocking. "While understand you I might, no one else will tonight – so a civilized tongue you must keep, for a queen must be concious of all or her people will weep!

Obi-Wan arched an eyebrow as Tutti latched onto Anakin, worming her way under his arm and leading him – no, pulling him through the wide chamber doors. "Anakin?"

The pace she set didn't slow as Anakin cast a desperate look over his shoulder. "Master?"

"Be nice to her. She's Ellah and Gaal's eldest daughter – a princess, you know – at least, before they made her queen today. Don't do anything to upset her."

Anakin just looked at him with incredulous eyes. "QUEEN?"

"Oh, and Anakin?" Obi-Wan managed to say one more thing before Anakin and the newly crowned Queen Tutti Gaal-Ellah disappeared around the corner. "Have fun!"

They were gone, but not before Obi-Wan could the abject terror that had taken over Anakin's face.

I wonder what people would think if they could see the 'Hero Without Fear' now, Obi-Wan thought, chuckling as the door hissed shut. Anakin certainly hadn't looked as if he was 'without fear' a moment ago. Obi-Wan was fairly certain the new Jedi Knight was going to put his foot into his mouth tonight, probably more than once.

Or more accurately, he's going to put his dancing shoe into his vocal apparatus this evening..

A small laugh slipped through his lips. Obi-Wan wondered if Anakin would realize that while everything he had told the younger Jedi was scrupulously true, none of the Canzonetians would expect Anakin to adhere to their strict code of behaviour. They were a civilized race, after all. Obi-Wan certainly wouldn't have left Anakin alone if there were any danger of him inadvertantly seducing a woman there, or gods forbid, marrying one. Least of all a queen.

But I wager that doesn't occur to him tonight..

No, by the look on Anakin's face as he had turned the corner, Obi-Wan didn't think it would. Anakin was about to have the most severe case of culture shock he'd ever had in his life. An entire night socializing with the Canzonetians…small talk, rather, small songs, gossip, many, many introductions…after all, what did one do at a party if not socialize with the other guests?

Not to mention the Jedi were, after all, the guests of honor.

I just wish I could be there to see it.

Are you mad? Put yourself back into that den of lunacy? No thank you.

Says the man who is talking to himself again.

That's an affectation. This entire planet is one giant asylum.

There's no arguing with that. I am swearing off music in any form. Forever.

Agreed.

Finally, his mind quieted, and he positioned himself comfortably on the low cushion he'd left on the floor of his quarters. With the arbitration finally behind him, it seemed as if for the first time in two days, he was going to be able to meditate.

Without thinking about it, Obi-Wan Kenobi began to hum.

THE END

TERMINOLOGY REFERENCE:

canzonet - A short lighthearted air or song.

madrigal - an unaccompanied song for 2 or 3 voices; follows a strict poetic form

villanella- A Renaissance polyphonic vocal form, usually with a simple tune in the top voice, and somewhat homophonic, regular rhythms in the lower voices.

tutti - All. Used chiefly as a direction to indicate that all performers are to take part.

--all definitions from dictionary dot com

Additional: "The subject matter of a villanella is generally rustic, comic, and often satirical; frequently the mannerisms of art music, such as the madrigal, are a subject of parody."

--from Wikipedia dot com

--from did everyone think:-) Please let me know!