"Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee" (c) whoever wrote it. All characters in here are (c) Square. I don't own them (but I wouldn't mind owning Tseng, Sephiroth, Vincent, or Cloud!) and I'm not making any money off of this publication.

"I've always wanted to be-" Tifa started.

"If she says a lumberjack, I'm outta here," Cloud muttered.

"Anyone want a smoke?" Cid asked, brandishing a pack of cigarettes. Barret, Cloud, Vincent, and Tifa each took one, and Cloud cast Fire to light them.

"Aim next time or else I'll kick your spiky ass back to Nibelheim!" a slightly charred Barret yelled.

Cloud smirked. "Ever so sorry."

"You smoke, Aeris?" Tifa asked.

Aeris shook her head. "No!"

"Try one," Cid said, plucking one from the pack and, with a significant glare at Cloud, lit it using a lighter. Hesitantly, the Ancient took it and took a deep drag. Almost immediately, she started choking, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Gosh!" she said, her body racked by coughs. "I'm never doing that again!" She got up, still coughing, and went upstairs.

"God!" said Yuffie, her nose wrinkling. "She makes me sick!" Her voice went up in pitch to mock Aeris' voice. " 'Gosh! Golly geez! Sheesh!' "

"Shut up, brat," Cid snapped.

"Make me, geezer."

"I'll shove this javelin down your throat, ya damn guttersnipe."

"Oooh! Big words, Gramps! Exhausted your vocabulary yet?"

"Brat!"

"Geezer!"

"Brat!"

"Geezer!"

"Brat!"

"Guys!" Tifa said in exasperation. Cloud shook his head, sunk deeper into his chair, and decided to pretend he didn't exist. Vincent glanced up, sighed, and adjourned upstairs to continue reading in peace.

As he went upstairs, he glanced over his shoulder and said softly, "Please, Cid, act your age, not your shoe size."

"The vampire talked!" Barret said, his jaw dropping. "I think that's the most he's ever said!"

"I'm not a vampire."

"Whatever."

An evil gleam sparkled in Yuffie's eyes. "Hey, everyone," she said, standing, "look at me!"

Look at me, I'm Aeris G.

Lousy with virginity

Won't go to bed 'till I'm legally wed

I can't! I'm Aeris G.!

Watch it! (Hey, I'm Doris Day)

I was not brought up that way

Won't come across

Even Rock Hudson lost his heart to Doris Day

I don't drink (Oh!)

Or swear (Oh!)

I don't white my hair (Ew!)

I get ill from one cigarette (cough cough cough)

Keep your filthy paws off my silky drawers

Would you pull that crap with Annette?

As for you, Troy Donahue, I know what you wanna do

You've got your crust, I'm no object of lust

I'm just plain Aeris G.!

Elvis, Elvis, let me be!

Keep that pelvis far from me!

Just keep your cool; now you're starting to drool

Hey, fungu, I'm Aeris G.

When the ninja was done, she took a sweeping bow and fell into her seat, chuckling. The rest of the team also enjoyed a good laugh, until a soft voice broke into their mirth.

"You-you were making fun of me?"

As one, AVALANCHE's collective heads swiveled towards the staircase. Aeris was standing on the bottom step, clad in her robe, a cup of water in one hand. Tears shone in her eyes.

"Thanks a lot," she whispered, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She threw the cup of water at Cloud and ran back upstairs, sobbing.

"That was really mean, Yuffie," Tifa said. She shook her head and went upstairs to comfort Aeris.

"You were laughing, too!" Yuffie yelled after her.

You like? E-mail or review me!

I know this seems kinda mean, but it was either this or "Look at Me, I'm Vincent V." or "Look at Me, I'm Red Thirteen" and Aeris just fit the best . . .