Scene 3: Menelaus Recruits the Men

(The Greek soldiers are having drinks in a bar.)

Agamemnon: Right, so what's been going on?

Odysseus: I dunno. What about you, Eurylochus?

Eurylochus (MICHAEL PALIN): I think someone kidnapped Menelaus' wife last night.

Achilles: Oh. Well, that's a darn shame.

Pidies (TERRY JONES): Ale!

Agamemnon: Are you okay, Pidies?

Pidies: Ale!

Achilles: Did you have a bit too much?

Pidies: Ale!

Graham Chapman: I'll take him outside.

(Odysseus leads Pidies outside. A loud vomit is heard. Meanwhile, Menelaus enters through the front.)

Menelaus: Oh, my friends! I beg of you, help me now in my time of grief!

Eurylochus: What's the matter, Menelaus?

Menelaus: My wife is gone! Taken! Snatched!

Eurylochus: Oh, that. (pause) Want a beer?

Menelaus: No, I do not want a beer! My wife has been kidnapped, and I need the best soldiers in all of Sparta to go and rescue her!

Agamemnon: Well, what about some ale?

Menelaus: What?

Agamemnon: You said you didn't want a beer. Do you want some ale?

Menelaus: Haven't you been listening to a thing I just said? My wife is missing, and I need you fellows to be part of the army I'm sending out to rescue her!

Achilles: All right, you don't want beer or ale. What about whiskey?

Menelaus: Look, I don't have… whiskey? Okay.

Agamemnon: Right! Barman! One whiskey!

Barman: Here you are, sir.

Menelaus: (takes whiskey) Thank you. (to soldiers) Now, then. Would you fellows be willing to sail to Troy and rescue my wife?

Eurylochus: What kind of ship do we get?

Menelaus: A really, really big one!

Eurylochus: Well, I'm convinced! What about the rest of you?

Agamemnon: Do I have to bring my wife with me?

Menelaus: Nobody said you were going to.

Agamemnon: Good. I'll go, then.

Achilles: I'll go as long as I can fight.

Menelaus: Achilles, in what kind of war don't you fight in?

Achilles: One that you don't fight in, of course!

Menelaus: What? Whatever. Now, what about you, Ody… (looks around) Where's Odysseus?

Achilles: Pidies got a bit too drunk. Odysseus took him outside.

Menelaus: Well, I'll just assume he wants to go. Goodbye, all.

Agamemnon, Achilles, and Eurylochus: Bye, Menelaus.

(Menelaus walks out as Odysseus and Pidies walk back in.)

Odysseus: Was that Menelaus who was just here?

Eurylochus: Yep, and all of us are going to Troy to get his wife Helen back.

Odysseus: All of us? I can't go! I have a son to look after! I've got a lovely wife! We all have lovely wives!

Agamemnon: Speak for yourself.

Achilles: Why are you always on about your wife, Agamemnon?

Agamemnon: She's loud, obnoxious, and she snores.

Pidies: (hiccups) Lucky you!

Agamemnon: What's that mean?

Pidies: (hiccups) Me wife's a fox.

Achilles: How so?

Pidies: Well, (hiccups) she's got a bushy tail, red fur, and pointy ears.

Odysseus: You mean your wife's really a fox?

Pidies: Yep. (hiccups) 'Spect Helen's a human, right?

Eurylochus: Of course she is! What do you expect her to be? Another fox?

Barman: That's 95 firds.

Agamemnon: What?

Barman: 95 firds.

Eurylochus: What in the bloody hell are firds?

Barman: The new currency. Yesterday the gods decided to make a new currency called firds. Now who's payin'?

Agamemnon: How could we have firds if we don't know what the heck they are?

Barman: The gods designated it so. Now pay up, or sacrifice yourselves to the gods!

Eurylochus: Now, see here, my good man…

Barman: I can't see! I'm blind! You, sir, are an evil, pretentious, lying cad!

Eurylochus: Do you see this armor? Do you see it, pal? Royal Greek Army. Look at it.

Barman: I can't, you moron! I'm blind!

Eurylochus: Smell it, then.

Barman: I'm not smelling your armor! I just want my firds!

Odysseus: But there's no such thing as firds! Besides, nobody here is going to pay that way! Right, fellows?

(He looks around, but the other soldiers have disappeared.)

Odysseus: You sneaky bastards!

Barman: That's it. Only way you can get out of paying is joinin' the fight for Helen.

Odysseus: What? But that's not fair!

Barman: You're right, it's not a fair, and it's not a carnival either. Either you go fight for Helen, or I make you clean my stables.

Odysseus: All right, all right! I'll go! I'll just leave my wife and child behind and go!

Barman: Good. Off you go, then.

Odysseus: Idiot.

Barman: I heard that!

(Odysseus leaves. Menelaus walks in from the back.)

Menelaus: Nice work, barman.

Barman: None at all, Menney. Now, asking me to help you get Odysseus to join up is going to cost you 45 firds.

Menelaus: What's a fird?

Barman: That's it!

(He picks up a dagger and stabs himself.)

Menelaus: Shame, such a nice fellow.

Stay tuned for Scene 4: Paris's Lousy Army