(FOR EVERYONE'S CONVENIENCE, EVERY TIME I INTRODUCE A NEW CHARACTER, I WILL GIVE THE NAME OF THE PYTHON MEMBER WHO I ENVISIONED IN THE ROLE. IF NO NAME IS GIVEN WHEN A NEW CHARACTER IS INTRODUCED, THEN IT IS SOME OTHER PERSON.)
(Two people are walking down a path, talking.)
Person #1 (JOHN CLEESE): So I says to him, "Theseus didn't really beat the Minotaur!"
Person #2 (ERIC IDLE): Are you mad? Of course he did! Why was it that when he went into the labyrinth, he came out with blood all over him?
Person #1: Simple! He bit himself!
Person #2: He bit himself? He can't bite himself!
Person #1: Why not?
Person #2: Theseus had rabies! Why do you think he never met his father?
Person #1: People can't get rabies! Only animals can!
Person #2: But people are animals, right? Take your mother for example.
Person #1: Don't speak that way about my mother!
(They attack each other.)
Narrator (MICHAEL PALIN): This is a common example of the incompetence of man. There is, of course, one greater example of such a thing: the Iliadyssey, the story of Odysseus and his loyal band of soldiers who fought in Troy and then tried to get home. Good luck, kiddos.
MONTY PYTHON'S ILIADYSSEY
(An annoyingly short song starts playing.)
Chorus: Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!
Odysseus and the Iliadessey!
He fought in Troy, and left for home!
He'd have been better off if he sailed to Rome!
Odyseeus and the Iliadyssey!
Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!
His men were brave, but sometimes scared!
From many many people was our hero bewared!
Odyseeus and the Iliadyssey!
Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!
Odyseeus and the Iliadyssey!
Odysseus and the Iliadyssey!
Scene One: Agamemnon's Sacred Corn Chips
Menelaus (TERRY JONES): Ah, good morning, Agamemnon!
Agamemnon (JOHN CLEESE): Mornin', Menelaus!
Menelaus: What are you up to?
Agamemnon: I'm giving a sacrifice to Apollo.
Menelaus: Another one of your prized boars, then?
Agamemnon: No.
Menelaus: Then what?
Agamemnon: My corn chips.
Menelaus: (surprised and hungry) Oh! Well, that's all well and good to give a god corn chips, but twenty chips is not nearly enough for Apollo. Why don't you go get twenty more?
Agamemnon: But Apollo's not a hungry god.
Menelaus: Agamemnon, let me tell you something. Just last night, I was sacrificing a ram to Apollo, and I left it on the altar for five hours. When I came back, the ram came back, and it smelled horrible and flies were hovering around it.
Agamemnon: (gasps) You mean, the sign of the food of the gods?
Menelaus: Correct! The smell and flies clearly showed me that Apollo had eaten the good part of the ram, but left the rest with me as a sign that he was still hungry! So go get more corn chips!
Agamemnon: Good thinking, Menelaus!
(He runs off to get more corn chips.)
Menelaus: Yum! Corn chips!
(He eats the corn chips one by one and then runs away when he sees Agamemnon coming.)
Agamemnon: Menelaus? Menelaus? (sees empty altar) Menelaus, you ass! You ate my corn chips!
(He lays out the twenty corn chips. Odysseus walks his way.)
Odysseus (GRAHAM CHAPMAN): Good morning, Agamemnon!
Agamemnon: Mornin', Odysseus.
Odysseus: Ah, I see you're about to sacrifice your corn chips. How many chips are you planning on giving?
Agamemnon: Twenty.
Odysseus: Well, that seems decent enough, but once you eat corn chips, you get thirsty, right?
Agamemnon: Well, yeah.
Odysseus: So go get something for Apollo to drink and I'll stay here with the corn chips.
Agamemnon: Okay, but just don't eat them.
Odysseus: Scout's honor.
Agamemnon: Right. (walks off)
Odysseus: Thank heavens I was never a scout.
(He takes the corn chips and runs. Agamemnon walks back, carrying a jug of water.)
Agamemnon: Odysseus? (gasps) My corn chips! Odysseus, you b…
Achilles (ERIC IDLE): Beautiful day, innit? Oh, hi, Agamemnon!
Agamemnon: Oh, no! Not you too! You came all this way just to say (whiny mocking voice) "Oh, Agamemnon, you forgot the parsley! Gods love it when you garnish their water with parsley! You go get the parsley and I'll stay here!" Then when I leave, you'll steal the water, just like Menelaus and Odysseus stole my corn chips!
Achilles: Funny you should mention…
Agamemnon: Forget it! I'm taking my water and bringing it someplace else!
(He walks off and Achilles scratches his head.)
Achilles: (calling) Then you won't be needing my corn chips, then?
Stay tuned for Scene 2: Paris in Troy! (P.S. R&R!)