hello! sorry for the wait! i went a bit mental and started writing stories all over the place, sooo i got a little distracted from this one... but here you go!
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Roy had always been proud of his ability to handle difficult situations. He could respond with just the right amount of humour or seriousness. He had actually been commended in his handling of Fullmetal by other officers. Under a stricter officer Edward may have long ago given up on the military. Or have been court-martialled.
He had never (well, never say never, not in a long time then) found himself in a situation where he was completely stumped.
It had been a couple days since he had seen the short blond alchemist but he had more important things to think about. The Fuhrer had appeared for a surprise inspection of central head quarters when he saw an unwelcome surprise over the man's shoulder.
Edward Elric
Oh god, let him do nothing stupid. Just don't blow anything up!
That's when he saw it.
The fearsome Fullmetal alchemist was winking saucily at him from behind the Fuhrer's back.
Deadened black eyes stared in disbelief.
It got worse. Ed pulled his hair out of its braid so it fell loose around his shoulders before he ran his right hand through his hair repeatedly as he blew Roy a kiss with the other!
ED.BLEW.HIM.A.KISS.
The Fuhrer had asked him a question he hadn't heard.
He watched dumbfounded as Ed silently ran off down a corridor out of sight.
Oookaaaay…
-
Back in his room Ed drew the curtains even though it was only late afternoon and still completely light outside. He felt like being…evil.
Al was a little freaked out by his brother's behaviour, being slightly stranger then usual.
"Stage one went perfectly to plan Al! And what made it even better was the fact that he was talking to the Fuhrer at the time!"
Al was slightly worried at this point. Had Ed caused troubled for the colonel? Because if he had then that was guaranteed trouble for him. And maybe even a light roasting.
"So…what's stage two?" Al asked. He really shouldn't show any interest at all. It only encouraged him.
"Humiliate him! Freak him out real good! Then just when he's panicking I reveal the joke as well as the fact that I knew he was trying to trick me (and I was just acting along, you hadn't fooled me bastard taisa) and watch him freak out some more. He'll be so embarrassed he probably won't talk to me for a month." Ed said gleefully, revelling in his revenge.
At that moment in time Hughes had happened to be passing by Ed's room and, even though it wasn't in his nature, he'd paused to eaves drop after hearing manic laughing from within.
Ed had some sort of revenge planned huh? He was going to have to hang around and see this. He knew about Roy's prank on him by acting gay. So what exactly was the blond up to, he hadn't mentioned anything…?
-
Ed didn't have to wait long for his chance. The next day he was summoned to the colonel's office by Hughes that morning.
All unknown to the colonel himself.
Before Hughes had come to see Ed he had taken advantage of Mustang leaving his office for coffee.
"Quickly guys! Get in there!" Maes hissed once checking the coast was clear.
Out of nowhere shot Farman, Havoc, Breda and Fuery who darted swiftly into the office where they all crammed into the closet.
"I'll just get Ed!" Hughes hissed to them. With one final check that his camera was fully functional he dashed off to get Ed.
Banging on the door which was answered by the blond alchemist Hughes launched into his story why the colonel needed to see him. Ed hardly listened to a word he said. He could see that suppressed smile on the boy's face.
At the office door Ed didn't knock but let himself straight in.
"Good morning colonel." Ed said huskily as he shut the door behind him in an attempt to be seductive.
"What are you doing here Fullmetal?" Mustang said over his coffee genuinely surprised.
"Oh, I don't know. I just couldn't keep away." Ed said smirking.
Was there giggling coming from the closet?
"That's usually the case with the women but not teenaged boys." Roy said turning on his own charm to try and shock the boy as he had before but it looked like Edward had picked up on his game. He wasn't going to let Fullmetal think he could be embarrassed by blowing him a kiss and a wink.
Standing up grudgingly Roy moved round the desk.
"And why would that be Fullmetal?" Mustang asked as he put a hand on the blonds shoulder.
For a moment there was a look of disgust on Ed's face.
The next thing Roy knew was that Edward's arms were around his shoulders, the boy's lips pressed firmly to his own.
-
(Outside the office at that EXACT moment)
"Mr Hughes, do you know where I could find Ed? It's just that I'm leaving today and I wanted to say good bye." Winry said, her favourite spanner sticking out of her back pocket.
"Right in there. Just go in. in fact let me get that for you…"
-
The door was suddenly thrown open as Ed's lips pressed against Mustang's, the older man gripping Ed's shoulders to push him away but it merely looking like he was pulling the blond into the embrace. There was a flash of light like lightening. A camera flash.
"GET OFF OF ED YOU DIRTY PERVERT!"
A spanner struck Roy right between the eyes as they both turned embarrassed to the intruders.
The spanner made a dull 'thunk' as it connected with Mustang's skull, the force knocking him backwards where he unceremoniously hit the floor.
Edward was desperately torn, he wanted to laugh at Roy but he was choking on fear of what Winry was going to do to him if she had just thrown a spanner at his commanding officer. The resulting noise that escaped the blond's mouth was a strange groaning squawk.
Winry stormed forward and Ed felt realisation of his fate hit him. He was going to die. He'd lived a good life…right?
Grabbing Ed's flesh wrist she furiously dragged him from the room, ignoring it when Ed's feet failing to move resulting with him lying on the floor as she continued to drag him hoping sincerely that he got carpet burn as she did.
For a second there was silence. Winry and Ed were gone, though the terrifying girl's rants and threats could still be heard.
Mustang pushed himself up rubbing his forehead as Hughes watched on smirking.
CRASH!
The closet door fell open as Farman, Havoc, Breda and Fuery fell out on to the floor in one giant bundle.
From out in the corridor there was one final echo of Winry's voice.
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING ED? YOU'RE COMING WITH ME TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"
Hughes grinned.
"I got it on photo!" he cried before fleeing the room as did the other 4 that had been hiding. No body wants to be cooked by the colonels flame gloves.
Squinting around the now empty room Roy felt the bump rising on his head as his vision darkened around the edges.
Standing up he managed to stagger over to his desk where he swiftly passed out slumping over his desk. (You had to build up immunity from Winry's 'spanner-to-the-head' attacks as Ed had done, so really Mustang stood no chance.)
It wasn't until a while later the colonel was really in trouble when Hawkeye returned to find him unconscious on the desk.
"I WILL TOLERATE NO SLEEPING ON THE JOB TAISA!" she cried, whipping out her gun.
The situation went down hill from there…
-
The question is did Roy and Ed survive past that day? Or did they both suffer at the hands of angry blond women, there fate either sealed with a gun or a spanner? OF COURSE NOT! Though they both suffered, and not just physically…
The two men were to be found a couple of days later back in the colonel's office. They stood side by side as they leant against the front of the wooden desk, arms folded and not looking at the other.
Reaching up the raven haired man winced as his hand brushed the place the flying spanner had hit him.
"Serves you right bastard." Ed laughed seeing his pain.
"Laugh Fullmetal but I heard what the young lady did to you…" Roy smirked.
Ed's face was a mask of horror and fear. "I don't wanna talk about it!"
Sighing, Mustang rested his hands on the edge of the desk.
"Well at least you got a girl Fullme –"
"DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"
"-tal, I can't get girls to go out with me at the moment. Not after being kissed by a 16 year old boy. Hughes wasn't shy in flaunting that picture." Roy continued unfazed by Edwards shouting.
Silence fell between them again as Ed recovered from the traumatic images of Winry…
"It was all your fault. You started the gay thing." The blond muttered unhappily.
"Only because you wouldn't show me any respect."
"That's because you call me short and use me and my brother for your own means!"
"That's because you ARE short as well as being a state alchemist, with me being your ranking officer."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M SO SHORT THAT YOU WANT TO CRUSH ME LIKE AN ANT!"
"I didn't say that."
"Bastard."
Ed turned away in a huff heading for the door.
"Don't worry Ed, your kissing's not that bad, I'll put in a good word about you to my dates daughter, she might help you improve."
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Ed shrieked as he tackled Roy where they fell painfully to the ground.
Right at that moment the office door opened.
Frozen, the alchemists stared in fear.
Framed by a devilish light in the doorway stood…Winry.
"CAN'T EITHER OF YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF FOR MORE THEN 5 SECONDS!" Winry shouted, her eyes black in a mixture of anger and evil intent.
Looking down Ed realised what she must be seeing. He was straddling Roy's hips, his hands resting on the man's shoulders.
"It's not what it looks like!" Ed pleaded.
In a flash of silver two spanners shot through the air.
Once she was done with them it was about a week before they could sit down or walk properly. Both men had nightmares about a very strong blond mechanic and her flying spanners.
The end.
-
random but there you go!
random, but theere