Garet Potter and the Alchemist's Stone

SpasticDjinn: Yes, as you may have gathered, the Spastic Revolution ground to a tragic halt early last year. But I have decided to change that. I have reopened the factories of war, and the stories are being churned out faster than ever. One minor hitch occurred however, namely the (to put it nicely) absolute crappin' up of my PC. I am rewriting this story, sadly, as I no-longer have the original. There is one small condolence to my sadness, which is I am now able to create longer chapters, more humor and possibly… I just might get around to giving you those Djinn you asked for all those many months ago. Anyway, I'll write a nice long first chapter, then you can all tell me what you think and I shall include it in the next chapter. Seeya round, dudes!

Warning! The following submission has been rated VN (Very Naughty) as it includes discrimination against homeless people, old men, members of the monera family, fungus, Ivan, JK Rowling, numerous B-grade actors, police and several others.

Garet Potter and the Alchemist's Stone: Chapter One

It was night, and the inky blackness shrouded the houses of Private Drive like a heavy blanket. All was silent, except for a homeless person, who snored underneath a mailbox, catching drops of condensed dew in his open mouth. But apart from that, all was pretty quiet, if you ignored his occasional mutterings and pleas for his family. Slowly, footsteps, unidentifiable in their source emerged. Soon, the source revealed itself, as it popped into existence from around a corner. They came from a tall, sinister individual wrapped in a black cowl, with a grossly large paddle strapped over its shoulder. As he loomed ever closer, the homeless man woke up, feeling around for his discarded bottle of beer. Scrabbling in the dirt (where, might I mention, he belonged) he looked up, and immediately recoiled.

"Get off the ground Kraden, you filth. I have a new job for you." The figure said in what it thought was a menacing voice, which was spoiled somewhat by the fact its voice had not yet broken.

"Piss off, I've had enough of your crap you little twerp," Kraden slurred, dribbling into the ground. The figure sneered in disgust, wiping slime from its boot. It then reached down, and tried to pull Kraden to his feet with one hand. Failing to even budge the old man, it squealed in frustration and kicked him numerous times before sitting on the ground and punching the mailbox in frustration

"You'll never make me do another bloody parody for you, SpasticDjinn." Kraden said resolutely. "I'm a new man! I've decided to stand up to your evil, no longer will you boss me arou-.." Kraden came to an awkward halt as SpasticDjinn flicked the safety off his revolver and poked it between Kraden's eyes.

"Aroun-…. Around…. I won't do... do it!" Kraden gulped.

"Yes you will, you stinky old man," SpasticDjinn's face was revealed as he swept back his Mantle of Woven Shadow™. It was the face of… a fourteen year old boy. Covered in pimples, and with amazingly greasy, unwashed hair, he was not a pleasant sight.

"I already have all the others back at my place. They all agreed to my… conditions."

"Well, it's hard not to when you put it... so frankly." Kraden sighed. "I guess I have no choice. Where do I sign?"

SpasticDjinn thrust a piece of parchment into his face, and jabbed a quill into his bald patch.

"Mwahaha." SpasticDjinn stated, after Kraden has scrawled his name onto the document. "Now, shall we get to work?" not waiting for an answer, pulled out a human-sized bundle from under his coat, and threw it at Kraden. The old man caught it with difficulty, grunting under the weight.

"What… is this…?" Kraden groaned.

"It's Garet. Who else?" SpasticDjinn went up to the nearest door and rung the door bell continuously. When he heard someone approaching, he seized the bundle from Kraden and hurled, just as the door opened. Garet's wrapped up form collided with a stick-insect of a woman, bowling her over.

"My job is done. Let's get you to Djinnwarts, Kraden," SpasticDjinn cackled, and grabbing Kraden, disappeared into thin air.

All across London, scenes disturbingly similar were occurring. One family opened their door, and a large Kraken slithered in. It seized their child, and replaced it with a blue-haired one, slightly larger than the original.

"I didn't know he had blue hair darling." Mrs. Weasely said quietly. "I thought he took after you,"

"I did also... Oh well, blue suits him anyway. But where on earth did he get those clothes? And why is he so big?" Mr. Weasely

"Because I'm not your son, you twit," Alex grunted, trying to free himself from the cot in which he was trapped. "I'm an evil genius hell-bent on ruling all Weyard,"

"And when did you teach him to speak, dear?"

"Wasn't me, must have been one of his brothers,"

"Oh for MERCURY'S SAKE! WHY DID SPASTICDJINN HAVE TO PUT ME IN A FAMILY OF BOGANS!"

"Well, since he's so big, do you want to teach him how to drive the tractor tomorrow?"

I don't see why not, dear."

Similarity, some miles away….

"Since when did our girl have a swimming pool? Did you fill up her cot with water, dear?" Mrs. Granger said anxiously.

"No, no… But I like that dress! When did you buy it for her?" Mr Granger rested his unusually large 'child' onto his lap.

"Wasn't me, dear… She has been growing rather alarmingly of late, don't you think?"

Mia grimaced. Being forced to sit on a man's lap was a dire blow to her dignity, and she felt her deep homicidal tendencies growing gradually harder to control.

"I'll kill that bastard… How dare he separate me from my Isaac…" She hissed.

Meanwhile, somewhere else….

"Oh no, I have dropped the plot to my latest scheming in the middle of the floor where absolutely everyone can see it. Silly me." SpasticDjinn said, and walked off, leaving the GS crew in a small cell.

"Well, read it out loud, Felix… I want to know what he's up to," Sheba sighed. Felix complied.

Garet Potter and the Alchemist's Stone

A SpasticDjinn Productions production.

I eat babies.

Harry: Garet

Hermione: Mia

Ron: Alex

Dumbledor: Kraden

Voldemort/Quirrel: Ivan/Felix

McGonagle or W/E her friggin' name is: Sheba

Hagrid: Saturos

Draco: Piers

Crabbe and Goyle: Hsu and Agatio

Snape: Menardi (yes, Snape is a woman in this ((note to self, hahahahah)) )

Random Teachers and Students: Karst, Briggs, Akabafu, Hama, Goku from DBZ (don't ask) and whoever is left.

Director and all other important and essential parts: Myself

"What does all that mean?" Piers cried. "I have no idea what is going on!"

"I have to play a MAN!" Menardi clutched her head between her hands and wept openly. The others all stared for a second, and then all started bawling in unison.

"Despair, for you're all in a SpasticDjinn Productions production!" A mysterious voice cackled, and then all was silent. Because everyone was gone.

You shall review. If you have not done so already, then do so, or you shall suffer eternal torment at the hands of my Paddle-'O'-Doom.

SpasticDjinn