A/N: Hi!Welcome tomy first Fruits Basket fanfic::is excited: This is based on the manga, since as of yet I have not seen the anime. Just a heads-up! Thanks!
-Linzy-
Stand On My Own
Haru reached out to me. It took my every ingrained ounce of self-control to shy away from his hand. If he touched me, I didn't know if I'd be able to tear myself away. I couldn't let that happen.
"You stay the hell away from me!" I tried to make my voice as cold as I possibly could. I needed those words to bite, to tear into him enough to make him listen. It looked like it was working a little. So why did it feel like those wordswere hurting me more than they did him? His hand sank down ever so slightly, but he advanced another step closer. I felt trapped.
"Don't you dare touch me!" Recoiling further away, I wondered if the artificial fire in my eyes would be enough to mask the pain there.
Haru hesitated, then drew his hand away, sliding his slender fingers into his pocket. He wouldn't meet my eyes. Good. It wasn't much, but it was a start. He was getting the picture. I wanted him to hate me, so I was finally starting to get what I wanted…wasn't I?
"You really don't…need me?"
No, Haru, I need you more than ever…
I forced my eyes down, forced myself to look away. I could barely hear my own whisper. "No."
He gave me no visible reaction, but I knew that I was killing him inside. He was beautiful and he was hurting and it was all my fault. My nails bit into my palms, bleeding with the effort it took for me to keep myself from reaching out to him. Things were finally going as I'd planned. I couldn't jeopardize that now. I could comfort him no more than I could let him comfort me.
"I see. In that case…it doesn't matter anymore."
The knife in my gut twisted. Haru, you're the only thing that's ever mattered to me!
"It doesn't matter if I die."
It felt as if my heart had been torn out, put through a blender and fed to Akito. Every defense I'd built up since that first day in the hospital came crashing down around my ears. Every muscle in my body tensed with shock and pain and the incredible urge to throw myself into his arms, crying, telling him everything I'd said since then was all a lie. Baring myself silently with my own traitorous eyes, I told him that I still loved him. I still needed him. And if he died, he'd kill me, too.
His eyes burned when he looked at me, hard and calculating. Before I could register what was happening, he closed the distance between us and kissed me so forcefully I needed to cling to his shirt just to stay on my feet. He could feel my legs giving out from under me and pulled me closer, holding me up. He knew I couldn't stand on my own without him.
I couldn't keep myself from responding to his lips, closing my eyes, clenching his shirt in my hands a little tighter, angling my face to allow him better access to my mouth. His hand slid up from the small of my back, tracing my spine until it tangled itself in my hair, making my breath catch in my throat. He felt wonderful, like the sun after lifetimes of rain.
Finally he broke the kiss, pressing me still closer to him. I could feel his breath light against my cheek, his chest rising and falling, dancing with the familiar sound of his heartbeat. I couldn't push him away…not yet.
"Of course I'm lying about dying." he murmured, almost apologizing for scaring me so badly. He tightened his arms for a beat, reinforcing his words. I buried my face in his shoulder, inhaling the faintly spicy scent of his skin; another twist of the knife. Why did I ever think I could live without him?
"Rin, did I…not understand something?" I heard his warm voice grow childlike, pleading, almost afraid. He sounded so young. "I thought I understood everything about you, Rin…"
You've always known me better than I've ever known myself.
"But maybe I got so complacent…that I failed to hear you calling out to me when you needed me most?" I tensed again ever so slightly; he'd touched a chord. I did need him, more than I ever had before.
I knew I should pull away. I knew I should never have let him kiss me. I'd only just made my departure more painful. But I'd waited so long to hear his voice, I'd wished for so long he would kiss me again…and I felt safer there in his arms than I had in a long time…
No! My safety didn't matter anymore. Now it was my turn to keep him safe.
"Rin, are you still like on that day…unable to stand…on your own?"
His words echoed in my ears. Only he could know me that well, my every weakness plainer than the day. An overwhelming wave of shame and bitterness rose in my throat. I should have realized that one day, Haru and I would be found out. I should never have let myself get so close to him. I should have known that the more I loved him, the harder it would be to let him go, the more it would hurt the both of us when Akito had his way.
Better to refuse Haru's heart now than subject him to any more danger. I couldn't lean on him forever. I had to learn to stand alone, for his sake.
I knew that somewhere, Akito was laughing at me…
SLAP!
Haru's head snapped to the side, a red hand mark blossoming on his cheek. I took one glance at his face, then refused to look at him anymore. Maybe if I couldn't see how much total damage I'd done, it'd eventually ease my guilty conscience; it sure as hell hurt enough now. Rather than face the pain I'd inflicted on both of us, I ran.
I ran as far and fast as was possible, haunted by the blankness I'd seen in Haru's eyes, wishing I could lose my guilt among the trees. My legs burned, aching much more quickly than was usual; I guess I still wasn't up to full strength after that small eternity spent in the hospital. I didn't care; I forced myself on. I couldn't…couldn't stay so close to where he was. The farther away, the better. The best I could do was keep going and will myself not to transform.
After a while even breathing started to hurt, and even I knew no amount of willpower would keep me in human form once I passed out from lack of oxygen. And what a fine time I would have then, an exhausted horse passed out so close to town! I stumbled on a little farther, struggling to stay on my feet until I found some sort of stump to sit on and catch my breath. The aches in my legs and the stitch in my side gradually faded away, until I was left without any physical pain to distract me from my thoughts, save for the mild throbbing of the scar on my shoulder blade. I reached over my shoulder to rub at the wound, trying to get it to leave me alone. It would randomly start to twinge ever since Akito had seen fit to inflict it upon me. I resented it, but at least it was better me than Haru. If I'd let Akito injure him, I'd have never forgiven myself.
You're only trying to protect him, Rin. If you need to hurt him to keep him away, so be it. At least, he won't have to worry about Akito anymore. He'll find someone else eventually. He'll be happy again. That's what you want, isn't it? For Haru to be happy?
I almost wished something else would hurt so I wouldn't have to think anymore. Nothing I could tell myself would make my heart whole again. No sugar-coated lie would convince me I could stay alone forever.
All too soon the silence became unbearable. I needed something to distract me before I fell apart. Keep moving, then. It's better than doing nothing, isn't it?
I got up. My legs trembled, struggling with the effort to stay standing. Rather than wait for them to give out and dump me to the ground, I let myself fall back to sit again. My stomach twisted. I couldn't stand up on my own, not yet.
I was sick of going on all by myself.
But it didn't look like I had a choice.