AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hey everyone! Welcome to The Matrix: The Lighter Side. Basically, this is a collection of various scenes from the first movie that have been altered to include a more comical atmosphere. Where did they come from you ask? Well, many of them are basically little skits myself and my friends came up with. Since we're big fans of the trilogy – especially the first movie– , we decided that it would be only fair if we could also poke fun at it as well. They're not all in order, and some of them won't connect with others, but generally they will.

Anyway, enough of me typing away boring commentary. Enjoy The Matrix: The Lighter Side!

Oh yes, the Wachowski Bros. – not to be confused with the Super Mario Bros .– are responsible for the characters and plots of the three Matrix films. Warner Bros. – who are often confused with the Wachowski Bros., but not related to the Wright Bros., who are often mistaken as the Parker Bros. – is responsible for filling our homes filled with Matrix goodness.

WARNING: Although there's nothing too graphic here, some material might not be suitable for younger audiences. Hey, what are you kids doing on the internet anyway? Shouldn't you be watching something good and wholesome like wrestling or Desperate House Wives?

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MY JOB SUCKS

SCENE: Morpheus' Call, Neo's Botched Escape

Thomas Anderson – or Neo, as he preferred to be called – sat in his cubicle a confused and quietly annoyed man. Over the past week, his life had hit the skids: women were avoiding him, that annoying rash was acting up, his cat died, and now his computer froze after installing the newest version of Windows. What was even nuttier was that his computer spoke to him. Yes, that was no typo. It had told him to follow the white rabbit, and he did so, although the last time he did he woke up sore all over his body. Well, at least he was only late for work this time.

"That Trinity chick was pretty cool, though," Neo said to himself as he played Risk on his PC. Yes, he was supposed to be working, but he needed something to calm his nerves. Still, he always kept losing North America because he couldn't take his mind of Trinity.

"I can't believe I thought she was a dude," he commented as he lost another army in a predictable gang bang by the AI. "What a way to make an impression."

"Thomas Anderson?"

Neo immediately jumped out of his seat and turned around. "Look, I swear, had I known she was 16 I wouldn't have touched her!"

The FedEx man raised his brow. "What?"

The hacker stopped panting and sat down in chair. "Nothing," he mumbled.

The FedEx man was unfazed, and proceeded to hand the bizarre black haired man a package. "Alrighty. Here you go," he said as pulled out a clip board with some papers on it and gave it to Anderson. "Just sign here."

Neo signed it nonchalantly, and quickly returned it to the FedEx man, who once again raised his brow.

"Sir?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you sign 'N30 R0ck3d ur m0m' here?"

Neo shrugged. "Because I chose to."

The FedEx man shook his head walked away. "Have a nice day."

"OMGZ ur t0tlly gh3y," Neo thought scornfully as the mail deliverer left the cubicle. He turned his attention to the package laying on his empty desk.

"Now who would send something to me?" Neo said to himself. "The last time I got anything was 6 months ago." Neo paused and collected what he had just said. Slowly, he cocked his head back and forth as he opened the package. "Heh heh, allll right."

To his surprise, out popped a black cell phone. As Neo gazed at it, he jumped as a Neodammerung ring tone began to play. It stopped as soon as he clicked it open, and slowly the hacker placed the phone against his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello Neo," a deep voice spoke at the other end. "Do you know who this is?"

Neo turned his chair around back towards his desk and leaned forward. "Elvis," he whispered.

A sigh emitted from the other side. "No, I'm not Elvis."

"Jackie Chan," the hacker tried again.

"No. Take another guess."

"Laurence Fishburne?"

"Uh... close. Try again."

Neo rubbed his chin. "Are you James Bond?"

"Which one?"

"Sean Connery."

The voice sighed deeply. "No."

"I know!" Neo suddenly exclaimed. "You're Cowboy Curtis."

"Dammit, Neo, this is Morpheus," the deep voice stated in an exasperated tone.

Neo blinked. Then he looked around his cubicle unsure of what to say. "So... what's up, Morpheus?"

"I've been looking for you, Neo," Morpheus began, only to be cut off by the seemingly clueless hacker.

"Why?"

Morpheus was silent for moment. In truth, he was covering his speaker as he cursed about how stupid Neo was. "If you'd shut up for a moment," he finally said, "I can explain. But unfortunately, we've run out of time, so I guess I can't explain." There was another pause. "They're coming for you Neo and I don't know what they're going to do."

Neo blinked again. He was good at that. "Who's coming for me?"

"Stand up and see for yourself," Morpheus said with a trace of what could be thought of as amusement.

"But I'm on duty."

"Just stand up."

Slowly, Neo rose in an uncertain fashion. He wasn't sure what was happening but he figured he might as well go along. After all, it wasn't like a bunch of government agents were coming for him and planning to stick him in a cramped room with no bathroom or soda machine.

Unfortunately, fate dictated otherwise. Neo saw a group of suited men looking towards his direction as one of the secretaries pointed out the location of his cubicle. Immediately, the hacker dove back down and started moving frantically around in his little office.

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed into the phone. "I can't believe she ratted me out! She's probably pissed because I dumped her." Of course, Neo was in denial. He dumped no one. They dumped him.

"You know, if I were you, I'd get out of there," Morpheus suggested, trying to urge Neo on. Thankfully, it worked.

"How?"

Meanwhile...

As they spoke, the agents closed in on the cubicle. Smith – the lead agent – motioned Brown to go down the other row, which coincidently had a snack machine.

"Pick me up some M&M's. No peanuts," Smith stated as Brown took a turn. "If the candy machine eats my money, I'm going to be a very, very unhappy agent of this system."

"Do you want a Coke?" Brown asked.

Smith shook his head. "No. M&M's and soda give me gas."

Back to the cubicle...

"I can guide you," Morpheus stated, "but you must do exactly as I say."

"Uh... okay," Neo replied frantically.

"There's a blonde in the cubicle across from you," Morpheus instructed. "Go to her and show her your unit."

Neo looked around like a confused squirrel on a sugar rush. "What? But what if they–"

"Go. Now."

Neo dashed across the aisle into the cubicle across from his. Sure enough, there was a pleasant looking blonde sitting in her office taking notes on some stuff nobody bothered to read but her. Looking up, she moved back in her chair in surprise as the black haired man undid his belt.

"Tom," the blonde asked, "what are you doing?"

"Sorry Tina," Neo said as opened his zipper, "but I have to do everything the man says."

"What man? What–"

She gasped and sat in her chair awestruck as she saw Neo's... member pop out. Immediately, a heavenly glow emitted from the cubicle accompanied by a choir conducted by Don Davis.

On the Nebuchadnezzar...

Tank looked at the screen in awe. The code couldn't be right... it just couldn't!

But it was.

"I knew it," he whispered. "He is the One."

Back in Tina's cubicle...

Neo finished zipping up as he pressed against a filing cabinet to conceal himself. Agents and police converged on his old cubicle, all the equally dumbstruck by the man's disappearance. For some reason, they missed the heavenly glow just a few moments ago.

"Wait here for just a moment," Morpheus instructed through the phone.

Smith, meanwhile, simply looked into the empty cubicle.

"Curses," he muttered as Brown walked up to him. The head agent looked at his companion.

"The machine ate your money," Brown stated simply before turning and moving back down the hall. Smith clenched his fist in mild anger.

"Double curses."

As the agent walked off in annoyance (for some reason he decided NOT to check the closest cubicle), Neo peaked around the corner to see a lone police officer standing guard.

"Neo," Morpheus spoke, "you need to get to the office at the far end of the hall."

"But how? They'll spot me," he whispered frantically into the phone.

"Check your inventory. You can use the cardboard box you have to disguise yourself."

Neo blinked yet again. He was truly confused by all of this, but decided to give it a shot. He closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them again. To his surprise, he was now inside a cardboard box.

"W00t," the hacker whispered as he quickly moved out of the cubicle and into the hall. Everything was working out perfectly until...

"?"

Agent Jones, who was getting the number of one of the many beautiful secretaries, noticed a box moving quickly across the floor. A question mark appeared over his head as he moved slowly towards it to investigate. It has abruptly stopped moving, but still remained suspicious.

Upon reaching the box, Jones kicked it ever so slightly. Although no sign of anything truly out of the ordinary sprung up, the agent decided that it wasn't safe for a box to be wondering around on its own. In fact, it would probably make a good pet.

"What a good box," Jones cooed as he picked it up. To his surprise, he saw a crouching and very scared Neo suddenly appear.

"!"

"Crap!" Neo yelled as sirens sounded.

"Move Neo!" Morpheus ordered. "They're in Alert Mode!"

"Not cool!" the hacker exclaimed as he used his mighty Push Attack to knock Jones over. Smothered by a box, the agent had no chance to get up and stop his attacker.

Neo quickly sprinted for the office and got inside safely. Locking the door, he looked around the room as he waited for further instructions from Morpheus.

"Good going," Morpheus stated sarcastically. "Thankfully, going into another room eliminates the Alert Mode."

Neo looked around frantically in confusion. "How do you know all this?"

"I'm have the official strategy guide, Neo," Morpheus replied with some amusement. "In any case, you need to get to the roof. Do you see the scaffold outside?"

The bewildered hacker nodded. "Yeah."

"Good. Go to the window to your left and open it," Morpheus instructed, and Neo did so. "Now, drop your pants, go onto the ledge, and yell 'I am a koala'."

Neo paced back towards his former spot. "No way! No way! This is crazy!"

"Didn't I tell you to do exactly as I say?"

The black haired hacker looked down at his feet. "Yes," he replied reluctantly.

"Then do as I say!"

Reluctantly, Neo undid his pants for the second time. Within a few moments, his pants were down at his feet as he stood in his Buzz Lightyear boxers. Slowly, he moved out through the window and onto the ledge.

"This is insane," he muttered to himself as he stepped out onto the ledge. "What did I do? I didn't do anything. Okay, so I am a bum worker by day and illegal hacker by night, but that shouldn't be counted against me." He sighed as he looked down at the street far below him. "I'm gonna die."

Neo took in a short breath. "I am a koala," he yelled meekly, earning a disapproving sound from his cell phone.

"Again!"

"I am a koala!" Neo yelled with a little more force.

"Stop being a pussy. Yell it!"

The hacker took in a deep breath and stretched out his arms. "I AM A KOALA!"

His voice echoed through the city as birds flew off from the might of his voice. Quickly, Neo moved back into the office and put his pants back on.

"So what was the point of that?" he asked as he fixed his belt. "Does that free my mind or something?"

"No," Morpheus simply stated, obviously trying to stifle a laugh. "I just wanted to see if you'd actually go and do that. You're very gullible, Neo."

Neo simply blinked before feeling tears of embarrassment weld up in his eyes. He had yelled with more conviction than at any point in his life, and now he found out it was just for Morpheus' amusement.

"Not cool, Morpheus," Neo sniffled. "Not cool."

"Don't be such a baby," Morpheus commented with an annoyed tone. "Anyway, you should use the scaffold to get to the roof. If not, well, then you'll be captured. Tough choice. Talk to you later. Morpheus out."

The phone clicked off as Neo was left to ponder what to do next. Was he man enough to get to the scaffold? Could he do the impossible and escape from the mysterious yet fiendish clutches of the law?

"I can do this," he said to himself in a determined fashion as he stepped back onto the ledge. "Focus. The koala inside of me makes me strong. Yeah, I AM a koala!" Neo began to move slowly across the ledge as he spoke. "A koala wouldn't surrender. No, it would go up that tree up eat those eucalyptus leaves! I've got to go up that scaffold so I can find my eucalyptus leaves, hopefully in the form of a really hot woman." He began to drool. "Boobies..."

Neo's fantasies were cut short as a gust of wind nearly knocked him off the ledge. His cell phone – no doubt the most expensive thing he had ever been given – fell back down to Earth. Immediately, he latched onto the nearest spot that he could wrap his arms around.

"On second thought, my inner wuss sounds a lot better."

On the street...

Neo was shoved into a black car by the agents as they planned to do unspeakable, horrible things to him when the got back to their HQ. As Smith got ready to step into the car, he felt something hard crash against his head.

"Triple curses," he stated as he looked down to see pieces of a broken cell phone scattered on the ground. He swiftly stepped into the car and closed the door.

Trinity looked into her rearview mirror and sighed before she drove off. "So much for the koala."

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More to come!