Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own twisted little brain… you can't have that, I don't care how good your lawyer is.

Summary: This was inspired by an email forward I received, those following this however are entirely mine… I'm not sure that's a good thing. There will also be Golden rules for Quidditch Players, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Slytherins, Ravenclaws, Students, Weasleys, people with Flower Names, Big Black Dogs and anyone with blonde hair. Not necessarily in that order, or indeed, any order whatsoever.

20 GOLDEN RULES FOR TEACHERS

1. Never ever give me holiday homework in advance, give it to me as I'm leaving your classroom on the last day of term, due in for the first day back. It's an honest relief to know that I won't be spending the holidays playing Quidditch, visiting friends, reading for pleasure or even having a lie in, as I had initially feared, and will instead be spending every waking moment doing your essay. And the challenge of a deadline is refreshing. Really.

2. If it's a really tricky spell, potion or assignment, please interrupt me every five minutes to see how things are going. Better yet, hover over my shoulder and make constant recommendations, alterations and suggestions. That's a big help.

3. Always leave the room without telling me what to do in your absence. It gives me the chance to be creative when deciding between revision, further reading and practical skills.

4. If you give me more than one piece of homework at once, don't tell me which is priority. My life revolves around your class, I have no other homework and honestly don't mind staying up until three o'clock in the morning completing a report that, as it turns out, was optional and not due in for another week anyway.

5. Do your best to keep me late after class, I adore your classroom and have no desire to leave it, no matter what the time of day. I also have no wish to attend other classes on time or eat solid food in the near future. Oh, and fresh air is for morons anyway; what sort of brainless fool wants to see daylight before November?

6. If I do a piece of work that pleases you, keep it secret. Wouldn't want me to get too sure of myself by knowing exactly what it is that you expect from me or anything. And for goodness sake, don't worry your pretty little head about giving my house points as a token of your appreciation, I honestly have no desire to win and am simply obeying the rules and doing every piece of homework on time for that warm glow you get as you snap at me and tell me to stop looking so pleased with myself.

7. If you don't like something about my work, spread it around. I truly want each and every one of my teachers to know that I have a weak class and therefore treat me like an idiot in their own. It makes actually me feel special, knowing that you all have nothing better to do than discuss me and my classmates' shortcomings over tea and biscuits.

8. If you have specific instructions for an unusual class, don't you dare write them up on a blackboard. In fact, save them until five minutes before completion of the task. No use cluttering my head with useful information.

9. When giving me a note for another teacher, do not tell me where they are. I am, after all, barely alive and have no right to know about the comings and goings of teachers. When trying to deliver the note, my shrewd deductions will place their whereabouts in the castle. The heart attack suffered while trying to run from one end of the building to the other and also trying to reach my next class on time is actually just an overload of happiness and joy; a sure sign of well-being in any student.

10. Wait until my end of year review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre grade and then tell my parent/guardian that I would do much better if only I applied myself that bit more, thereby making sure that not only does my parent/guardian hound me at every available opportunity with the question "Do you have any homework?" but that I also get lectures about the importance of your class during the holidays as well.

11. If I am ever so impudent as to disagree something you have said, please scream at me for twenty minutes discussing at length and in front of everyone exactly what is wrong with me, my family and my generation as a whole. You are always right and I am always wrong. All that nonsense about teachers being people too and therefore capable of making mistakes is just that; nonsense. Teacher's are pillars of strength and wisdom and make no errors.

12. On the one and a million chance that I was, in fact, right and you were, in fact, wrong please do not apologise to me. As previously implied, I am worthless and as such neither need nor deserve an apology from the likes of you. In fact why not pretend that you knew all along, were testing your class and were just having a laugh when you were screaming at me? I for one can see the hilarity of such a daring witticism and will be sure to tell my great grandchildren of your jocularity and factitiousness, as they too should be able to benefit as I have. Though just to reiterate: No apology necessary.

13. If you happen to come across me while I am standing in a hallway, apparently unoccupied, please assume that I am plotting the downfall of human civilisation and punish me accordingly. The suggestion that I was merely taking a break, looking out a window or waiting for a friend to finish their class is, frankly, preposterous. Children under the age of fifty-four do not require a quiet respite from the rest of the world and are almost inevitably up to no good.

14. Should I walk along a crowded corridor and bump in someone in your view please treat it as a malicious attack and poorly disguised attempt on their life. Heaven forbid I be distracted from the exact placement of my person (by such petty trivialities as schoolwork, bad news, personal problems or simply another person in the hallway), long enough to collide with a fellow member of the student body. Please ignore any denials from me or indeed the student I hit and give me a week of detention. Hell, go nuts, give me two.

15. If someone should speak to me in class, please blame me. If I have not raised my head, responded to them in any way or even slowed my work pace, you can still rest assured that it was my fault. I incited them to act with an ancient and bizarre mind-control technique not known of amongst most wizards. I did this simply to spite you. I accept full responsibility.

16. Should I receive a minor injury in or around your classroom or office, please do not help me in any way, shape or form. Do not call the school nurse either. Simply send me to walk half the length of the castle, to the Hospital Wing, with said ailment still in place, no matter how ridiculous, painful or unsightly. The laughter of my peers is character building and I know that they will forget about it momentarily. After all, as the saying goes, "Children can be so gosh darn pleasant and accepting."

17. Should a member of my house or year group in some way offend you, please blame me too. Not just me, the entire house and/or year group. We are all the same and could not possibly have a different view of you. People do not develop individual personalities until they have left school anyway and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to cause trouble.

18. If your favourite student (Yes, everyone knows that you have one, stop acting like you don't) misbehaves in a class please blame me for their actions instead. You are helping them by ignoring their behaviour and are also helping me by teaching me that I am responsible for everything. Everything that goes wrong is all fault and always will be. It is best I learn this now before I get ideas above my station.

19. When I ask you opinion on a piece of work, do not respond. Either sniff sanctimoniously, make a sarcastic remark or say "Hmm" in a noncommittal voice before walking off. I am psychic, this response merely offers me a chance to use my rare gift that has been so magnificently underused in this barren time of speech and text. I should thank you for your help in fine tuning my abilities as a mind reader.

20. If and when I come to you in a frenzied fit of panic about some incomprehensible and slightly out of the ordinary situation: Ignore me. No matter what my supposed circumstances are I am no doubt lying, simply to monopolise your time. You are a very important teacher, you should not be preoccupied with such petty trivialities as your students' mortal terror.