Hello all. This is a parody of the real reason Itachi went bonkers and decided that "OMG! Everything must die!" I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: Look at me. LOOK AT ME! …Oops, I forgot… You can't see me… but anyway, I don't look like the person who would own Naruto.
Session One: Itachi's Reason
Itachi sat inside the psychiatrist's office as of a demand from Sasuke and the rest of the ninja world. He looked at him with a irritated face.
"Why the hell am I here talking to a quack?" The psychiatrist glared at him with yellow, freaky snake eyes.
"One: I'm not a quack, I'm a fully certified psychiatrist. Two: Every ninja village around demanded that you be sent here. Need any more explanations?" The doctor asked snidely.
"Nope, so what do we need to talk about?"
"Tell me, how have you felt since you massacred your clan?"
"Eh, I'm alright. I feel a few pangs of regret here and then, but other than that, I feel pretty free."
"What about your brother? You only let him live."
"That's my brother though."
"You killed your father and mother."
"And? What are you implying?"
"That you murdered your parents and allowed your brother to live while DNA-wise, your parents are closer to you."
"Which means?"
"Your mommy and daddy died while you let your little brother wander around all confuzzled."
"So? I love my little brother. He deserved to live."
"And your parents didn't?"
"If they did, don't you think they'd be here right now?"
"Excellent point. So, why did they not deserve to live?"
"Why the twenty questions?"
"Why else are you here? Certainly not for the intelligent conversation and tea."
"Hn. Whatever dude."
"Don't call me dude."
"What is your name anyway?"
"You'll find out later. Now, you may refer me to Doctor or Daddy."
"Okay Doct—Wait- Daddy!"
"Did I say that? I meant Doc, or something like that."
At this point, Itachi had moved away from the creepy psychiatrist and was laying down on the couch in an awkward way.
"Anyway Itachi, back to the subject at hand, what inspired you?"
"Do you really want to be my Daddy?"
"What?"
"I mean, do you really, really want to be my Daddy?"
"Um, I don't know?"
"Because if that's the case, then you'd have to take my little brother too, cuz' I won't stand for my sibling ending up in some old, snaky, yellow-eyed, reptilian, super-powerful, gay pedophile's hands."
"Okay, can we please get back on subject?"
"Sure, what was the question?"
"What inspired this… abnormal slaughter?"
"Since you asked nicely, I'll tell you."
)))FLASHBACK)))
Itachi sat in front of his and Sasuke's father, Fugaku. Since Fugaku looked more pissed than usual, he could tell this wasn't going to end up good.
"Itachi-kun…"
Oh fuck, the formalities…
"I have heard some news…"
Oh shit, the indecent rumors…
"About your dreams when you get older…"
Oh shit, fuck, goddamn, it's an 'Concerning your Future' talk…
"And I was told…"
Lookie at Itachi! He's about to lose all his blood through his ears! Want some popcorn so we can watch him suffer through a long-ass lecture?
"That you want to become an…"
ANBU? Cowboy? Astronaut? What?
"Gay stripper."
Oh, that dream.
"Why?"
"Um, because it's fun and high-paying?"
At that very moment, Fugaku's face looked like this: O.o;
"Yes, so is becoming an high-class jounin…"
"But I already am a high-class jounin!"
"And keep it that way."
"But it's boring! I wanna let myself loose, dance my ass off on a pole, and be able to wear pretty makeup and costumes!"
"Kami… What have I done wrong?"
"You never let me do what I want anymore!"
"That's not true I let you do a lot of things that you want!"
"Fine! I'm leaving then!"
"No you're not! Sit down!"
"See! I can't even move when I want to! Do you have a schedule of my breathing times!"
"What! How dare you speak back to your father! After all I've done for you, you repay me like this!"
"Oh, I get it! Why'd you put an emphasis on 'this' huh! Why couldn't you just say "Oh Itachi, I'm sooooo sorry for being an insensitive bastard who never paid attention to you or what you wanted to do! Please forgive me!" Why couldn't you say that, huh!"
"Itachi-kun, I-"
"And enough with the 'Kun' crap! I'm now 'Chan'! Itachi-chan!"
"Itachi-chan, please stop with this madness… Right now you're confused and being mislead. It's all just a period in life, when you become vulnerable to the media and what it stands for…"
"OH MY GOD, What the fuck is wrong with you!"
"Don't take that tone with me! I can kick your ass in ten different ways!"
"And guess what dad, I can kick yours in twenty!"
"Oh, you've done it now Itachi! Go to your room!"
"You never think about my needs anymore! It's always 'Oh, I want you to become a ANBU captain at the age of twelve!' or 'Oh, I want you to become a high-class jounin and prove the Uchiha name!' What is there to prove Dad! What!"
"I'm serious Itachi, go to your room…"
"And I'm serious too! We own the fucking police force! Wait, screw that, we are the police force! And why me!"
"What do you mean 'Why you'! Who else is there?"
"Uh, NEWS FLASH! You've got another son!"
"Oh him, uh… Sassy, Sissy, Sas-something…"
"SASUKE! His name is fucking Sasuke! My god, how can you call yourself a good father when you can't even remember your youngest son's name!"
"Y-You take that back! I am a good father!"
"Then what's my favorite color?"
"Blue. Like all Uchihas of course."
"But I'm not all Uchihas though! Guess what, in case you've never noticed, I'm my own person!"
"Then what's your favorite color?"
"Uh, I don't know? Maybe… Pink!"
And Fugaku promptly fainted.
Later, while the poor dad was lying in bed, Sasuke was sitting with Itachi, having a 'Concerning your Future' talk.
"Aniki… I wanna be a drag-queen when I grow up…"
Itachi's eyes became the size of plates and then he patted Sasuke's head.
"Okay then, Little Brother, follow your dreams!"
"Really! Thank you for the immense, yet strangely unfamiliar motivation!"
"Uh huh, oh and Sasuke, you wouldn't happen to know who told father my dream, do you?"
"Why yes, that weird dude who was always staring at you."
"What was his name? Was he part of the Uchiha clan?"
"He was part of the clan, and his name was Shi-something…"
"Shisui…"
"Yeah! That's it!"
"Please wait a moment Sasuke, I've got to go kill a bitch…"
"You're going to kill Ms. Muffins, our dog?"
"…I'll be back…"
"Okie dokie Aniki!"
Itachi walked away towards the mini pond on the right of the compound, where he always found Shisui moping. And what a lucky day, he was still there.
"Okay you bitch, why'd you snitch on me!"
"I don't know what you're talking about…"
"Oh shut it! I know you told my dad!"
"Okay, okay! Ya got me!" Shisui was laughing.
"And stop the creepy laugh! Why'd you tell my father?"
"Because… He paid me to…"
"WTF!"
"Don't believe me? I've got the receipt right here in my pants… Care to pull it out for me?"
"…No…"
"Too bad… So, wanna go out sometime?"
That was the last straw, because if there's one thing that Uchiha Itachi hates, it's being flirted by a random family member. He gave Shisui a piece of paper and a pen, and turned on his Sharingan.
"Write something."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
"Okay then…"
Shisui wrote his phone number and put 'Call Me' under it. Itachi turned off his Sharingan and pushed Shisui into the pond. Itachi held him down in the water.
"What the hell—"
"Should've thought of what you did, bitch…"
"Augh! Stoppit! I can't breath!"
"Well duh. That's the point, I mean I thought you knew."
"-Gurgle- Oh god! –cough- -gurgle"
"Well, you look dead, okie dokie then!"
And Itachi wrote a suicide note to accompany Shisui's dead, floating body.
Dear world,
I'm sorry. I couldn't live like such the bitch I was. I'm so sorry. I guess being such a sell-out whore was too much. I'm such a bitchy bitch bitch bitchity bitchy bitch. Did I mention I was a bitch? Anyway, don't miss me, cuz' no one needs a bitchy bitch like me to be around.
Good-bye world,
Uchiha ShisuiAnd with that, Itachi left. He went back to the house to find Fugaku sitting there with a bandage covering his forehead.
"Itachi-kun…"
Formalities again…
"I want to talk with you…"
Oh fuck this! Nothing good ever comes out of having talks with him.
"Please sit down."
He said please. He said 'please'. Death is near.
Itachi sat down in front of Fugaku.
"Itachi-kun-"
"Chan."
"Fine, Itachi-chan, I want to know what I did wrong."
"Did wrong with what?"
"With your… Lifestyle…"
"Oh, so you can't say 'Metro-sexual'?"
"That's such a mean word… How about, 'Effeminate'?"
"Ah ha! You're a homophobe!"
"No I'm not! I just like… 'Pure' things…"
"Whatever! Just, leave me alone!"
"Itachi-"
"Don't 'Itachi' me! I'm going to become a Gay Stripper, whether you like it or not!"
"And I vote on the former! You are not going anywhere!"
"Try me bitch!"
Fugaku raised his fist and was about to punch Itachi's lights out, but three Uchihas burst into the room.
"UCHIHA ITACHI!"
Itachi looked at them with a look of disinterest.
"You called? Extremely loud?"
"Did you kill Uchiha Shisui!"
"No."
The one who asked the question looked at Itachi cautiously and turned to the others.
"He said he didn't do it, so he must've not killed him." The first one reasoned.
"Hn. That's good enough for me." The second one agreed.
"Are you people retarded!" The third one yelled.
"…Maybe…"
"Idiots!"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"Whatever, but Itachi did it! The only person in this compound who calls Shisui a bitch!"
"But it could've been someone outside the compound…"
"And who would it be?"
"Um, that demon-fox host?"
"What the- No. Just no. The kid's Sasuke's age, he doesn't even know how to count correctly…"
"Are you sure?"
"Very. Now Itachi, you are under arrest!"
Itachi couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst out laughing.
"Y-You can't arrest me! I'm like, your boss! When you get more reliable clues, then you may arrest me."
The three looked at him and lowered their heads in shame, because Itachi was technically right. They left and Itachi turned back to Fugaku.
"Now where were we? Oh yeah, you were being a bitch!"
"Itachi, tell me where I went wrong…"
"See! It's always about me, me, and me! What about Itachi, Dad! ITACHI! I've been here for more than tens years Dad! TEN FUCKING YEARS! And all I get are expectations!"
"Itachi, please understand…"
"Understand what, Dad! Just fucking tell me!"
"I only want the best for you!"
"The best? The fucking best! You did not just fucking say that! That goddamn clichéd line did not just spurt from that mouth!"
"Guess what Itachi? It did. I wanted you to have the best of the best Itachi."
"So, Sasuke just gets the moderate to poorest treatment?"
"And then our conversation about you rolls back to Sasuke. Are you falling in love with him or something?"
"YOU BITCH! How dare you insult my brother in such a way! FRONTLINE NEWS, BITCH: YOU CREATED HIM, SO HE SHOULD GET A LITTLE IF NOT ALL YOUR RESPECT!"
"Oh yes, every time I have a son, life is gonna be all Whoop-dee-fucking-DO, isn't it!"
"Well I would guess so, since we're richer than the sky and he's the son of the 'Great Uchiha Fugaku'!"
"Well who would've guessed! He's my son! If he spoke up once in a while I just might've noticed!"
"Oooh, wrong move bitch! You wanna know why he doesn't speak up! Because he's fucking scared! He scared of you! He's scared of your fucking rejection! Did you know that!"
"I-I-"
"Speechless now? After all that meaningless bitching, you finally have nothing to say!"
"Itachi-"
"And you know what! Screw Itachi! I'm now Mr. Little Teapot! My new GAY STRIPPER NAME! If you've got a problem with that… Well, I don't give a shit, because at this point you can just kiss my ass."
And Itachi got up and began to leave, but the next move caught him completely off guard.
Fugaku slapped him.
And Sasuke had just walked into the room at that very moment.
"Aniki?"
Fugaku didn't hear him and jumped on to Itachi and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Sasuke pulled at the back of Fugaku's kimono and kept screaming for him to stop.
"Otou-san! Please stop! Aniki didn't mean whatever it was! Otou-san, please!" Unhearing ears ignored Sasuke's wails. Sasuke and Itachi's mother, Mikoto ran into the room at Sasuke's cries.
"Okaa-san! Stop Otou-san! Please, he's hurting Aniki!"
Sasuke grabbed onto his transfixed mother's kimono and pulled her towards the fight. A loud crack was heard and Fugaku flew across the room.
Itachi stood up, Sharingan in full swing.
"Do you know what I call people like you? Huh? Do you?"
Sasuke raised his hand at this.
"Bitch?"
"That's right little brother, I call them 'Bitch'. You fit under that category perfectly…"
Itachi pulled out a katana, and pointed it at Fugaku's neck.
"…Dear…" He pressed it onto his throat.
"…Old…" He made a line towards his jugular.
"…Dad." He slashed his father's neck and watched him bleed to his death.
"Itachi… I'm sorry…" The blood splurged out Fugaku's mouth.
"Too late for that now, bitch." Itachi growled, looking at him impassively. Mikoto realized that her oldest son just killed her husband, while Sasuke ran out at the 'Dear' part. She raised her hand to slap him angrily, but didn't get very far…
…Because Itachi plunged the katana into her heart.
"Ita-Itachi, why?"
"Because, I wanted to."
And at that very moment, the three who burst in before, burst in again, because their timing is JUST THAT GOOD.
"Itachi, we have proof that…you…killed…Shisui…?" They stopped their rant when they saw a bloody, beat-up Itachi standing over a dead Fugaku and a dying Mikoto.
"What happened here!" The third one growled.
"Nothing really, except you saw too much. Bitch. And by the way, I did kill Shisui." And Itachi killed all three of them with his bloody sword. He was so angry; he was stuck in a bloody rage. So he went around, killing everybody in the compound while calling them 'Bitch'.
At the end of his massacre, he saw Sasuke sobbing in the hallway.
"Little brother…"
"Aniki… Why?"
"I'm sorry little brother, but I've got to do this…"
"What Aniki?"
"Open your eyes, wide."
Itachi pulled out a portable DVD player and played back the entire massacre. Sasuke watched it completely, eyes wide as saucers. Itachi played it three more times, and then put it back into his robe.
"How do you feel?"
"…"
"Do you hate me?"
"…"
"Speak, damn you!"
"…That was…"
"Was what?"
"Totally AWESOME! Like, the part when you ripped out Obaa-chan's guts, and then slashed out Ojii-chan's heart, and put them in a fire while doing your rain dance around the organs, I, like, almost crapped my pants!"
And at that very moment, Itachi's face looked like this: O.O;
"Aniki! Can I have the video? Please!"
"Um, sure. Take it…"
Itachi handed him the portable DVD player and the video. Sasuke watched it while grinning and cheering on Itachi.
"Little brother…"
"Yes Aniki? (WOOT! TAKE THAT OJII-SAN!)"
"Tell me, which fits my complexion better? Pink or purple? I was thinking pink, because I just can't see myself in purple…"
"Are you kidding! Purple definitely fits your complexion better! I mean, Aniki, your skin is paler than the moon! Purple will give you that exotic look, while pink will just look weird."
"And you know this how?"
"Remember, my dream?"
"Oh."
(((END FLASHBACK(((
The doctor looked at Itachi, and then took off his glasses.
"I don't believe I'm being paid enough for this."
"Damn straight."
"Now, let me get this straight, you went all 'Kill The Clan' because your father didn't approve of you becoming a Gay Stripper?"
"Indeed."
"Ah, although, you would make a good one…"
"That's righ-Wait, WHAT!"
"Nothing at all."
"I could've sworn you said 'You would make a good one'!"
"No, no, I said 'I take it the Lakers won'."
"Hn. Well, what's next?"
"We talk about what happens after the massacre…"
END SESSION ONEWell, I had fun writing this. I don't know why I added that extra load of angst and violence, though. This story, by the way, will contain YAOI in later chapters. No Uchihacest, unfortunately, because a friend of mine might attempt to kill me if I do one more thing on Uchihacest. Damn, I really like that pairing too. Did anyone guess who the psychiatrist was yet? Anyway, I hope to see you in the next chapter of Psycho-logy.