Of Counterintelligence Operations

Summary: Ed informs Hawkeye about a secret conspiracy. Hawkeye takes action.

Rating: ...PG-13, "T", just to be safe. Could pass for PG.

Disclaimer: Don't own, nor am in any way affiliated with, FMA.

Notes: Short (for me); inspired by a scene from Hill Street Blues. It's weird, but they go well together... a lot of the characters would fit in Central HQ seamlessly. Odd that an 80s cop show and a Japanese anime can seem to follow the same set of fundamental rules... Except for alchemy, yeah, but there are rules more fundamental than that. The universes work so similarly in some ways... ceases otaku rambling

(-)

"I mean, it's just something we heard," Ed said awkwardly, looking away, foot scuffing the floor. Totally playing her. "It might not even be..."

"Well," Hawkeye said, unable to keep herself from smiling warmly at him anyway, "thank you for telling me, and I'll look into it, but I really don't think that anyone would actually..."

Ed laughed derisively. "Have you met any of these people?"

"I'm almost positive it's all talk and magazines..."

"I don't know," Al said, sounding honestly worried, "I've heard it too, and I think they've actually done it, and it isn't right."

"Well, I can assure you if they have, there will be very dire consequences."

"You'll look into it?" Ed said. Obviously hoping to get Col. Mustang into trouble.

"I will. I'll see you two when you get back, then."

"Bye."

"Bye, First Lieutenant Hawkeye."

She glanced around the empty office. Certainly it wasn't true -- they'd never dare -- but she had a duty to check it out.

So she got up, figuring everyone else was on a coffee break anyway, and started toward the women's bathroom.

"Ah, Lt. Maple!"

The willowy redhead stumbled slightly, then whirled around, giving her a salute and a blinding smile. "First Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"I've just recieved some information that..." She stopped, wary of possible spies, as a man walked by, then whispered the rest in Maple's ear.

"They wouldn't," Maple gasped. "Surely they're more mature... er... dear God."

"So we have to check this out."

"Yes, absolutely, ma'am!" The taller woman hurried into step behind her.

"Now, if this is true, obviously we'll want to catch them in the act..."

"But how can we do that, ma'am?"

"Ah, therein lies the question..." Hawkeye thought about it. "All right, I have a plan, and though it's stupid, if we are right, they'll probably be more than dumb enough to fall for it. The trouble is, we'll need to make use of your reputation..."

"Uh, which reputation?"

"The clumsy one -- what, you have another?"

"Well, uh -- don't keep up much with the rumor mill -- never know what might be going on." She laughed nervously.

"It's supposed to be the center stall," Hawkeye reminded her. "Can you do it?"

"Oh, absolutely, ma'am!"

"All right, then, follow my lead." Hawkeye kicked open the door to the women's restroom. "STALL CHECK!"

"Whaaat!" The two soldiers in there straightened up, one making rather a mess of her lipstick in the process.

"Well, we have to make sure there are no illicit activities going on in here! No smoking, no 'quickies' in the stall -- "

One of the soldiers made a face. "Why would we pick this place instead of one of the perfectly nice broom closets -- "

Hawkeye held a finger to her lips while yelling, the mixed signal of which confused the soldiers enough so that it worked. "I will not tolerate insubordination! Lieutenant! Check the stalls!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Maple made a beeline to the middle stall and threw open the door. Unfortunately, she slipped on something and fell rather heavily, nearly killing herself by bashing her head into the toilet. She got up quickly enough, somewhat shakily, and moved to the next stall. "All clear, First Lieutenant!" she cried, and snapped a salute.

"Right, then! Remember this, soldiers!" Hawkeye barked, wondering if Maple had actually staged that fall; it looked so real... "NEVER smoke in the bathrooms! Dismissed!"

"Dismissed?" one of the soldiers said, as the door slammed shut.

"Well?" Hawkeye asked, after brushing off her uniform.

"That was brilliant, ma'am!"

"No it wasn't... Did you get a good look?"

"Oh, yes," Maple said, eyes narrowing. "You were right. It's there."

"It IS there! I hadn't expected..."

"Oh, I saw it, ma'am! Whoever your sources were, they were right. What're we going to do about this, ma'am?"

"You're absolutely positive..."

"I heard them giggling, ma'am. It's true." Maple clenched her fists.

"Well, then." Hawkeye narrowed her eyes. "Something will have to be done about this."

"Oh, yes. May I help, ma'am?"

"If you have no conflicting duties." Hawkeye pulled her gun out, checking it. "Try to find some more women officers, Lt. Maple. We don't have long; they might realize we're on to them if we wait. I'll get supplies, and we'll meet by the bathrooms in ten minutes."

"Yes, ma'am!" Maple snapped a salute and hurried off to 'recruit' 'volunteers'.

(-)

"Everyone in position?"

The women nodded.

"All right, team one, deploy!"

A notoriously shapely blonde, Major Williams, wandered innocently into the bathroom, followed by Privates Sheridan and Taylor.

" -- and then he totally made a pass at me," Sheridan said, in her best dumb-blonde voice.

"Ohmigod! Really! I so thought he was gay!"

"Aw, that was just a rumor. Like that one about Col. Mustang."

"What one about Col. Mustang? Oh come on, HE can't be gay! He's, like, had every girl in the squad, hasn't he?"

"Well, yes, but some people... y'know..." Sheridan gestured vaguely.

"But he's just soooo into girls!"

"Well, yeah, but Walden told me -- "

"Walden? The one who made a pass at you?"

"Yeah, he told me they did it in a broom closet three months ago."

"No way! C'mon, he'd at LEAST take the guy home, don't you think? He's classier than that." Taylor sighed dreamily.

"Okay, maybe it was wishful thinking on his part, there is something strange going on with that boy..."

Major Williams, after doing some reconnisance work with her mirror, had finally succeeded in locating her target. With great enthusiasm, she took the sharpened pencil from her purse and proceeded to follow her orders.

"Yeah, he's weird. Hey, did you hear the rumors that -- "

"OW!" came a loud cry, as Williams shoved the pencil through the peephole -- hard. She got out of the stall quickly, not wanting to miss the excitement.

"Think the perv had enough reaction time to duck?" Sheridan asked.

"Who the hell cares? Damn perverts!" Williams led the way out, thirsting for blood.

"They're on to us!" came a cry from the men's bathroom, and the door burst open.

Hawkeye calmly aimed her gun at the terrified soldier's forehead. "So. Would we like to explain ourselves?"

"Fortunate you're so close to a bathroom," Maple said, with an evil smirk.

"Well. Let's see what we've caught, ladies, eh?..."

They checked their formation briefly and stormed the men's room.

"COLONEL!"

"I swear to God I didn't know about it!"

"Ah yeah!" Williams yelled. "Then why're you BLEEDING, pervert!"

"Right... obviously we need to have a talk on etiquette, privacy, and respect for one's fellow-officers..." Hawkeye noted.

"We're writing this up, bitches!" Williams yelled.

Hawkeye coughed. "So..." She cocked her gun.

"Who started this?"

(-)

Ed despised being thought of as young. He craved respect, and always had. Posessed a dark ambition that, he'd learned the hard way long ago, must be severely leashed down. And still he hated the way Mustang often seemed to dismiss him, even if it was half an an illusion. And if anyone ever wanted to tell him he was being irrational to be angry, because he actually was just a kid, he would invite them to examine his automail limbs, and the phrase "'just' a kid'".

He nibbled at the last piece of the cookie Lt. Maple had given him, smiling widely at Mustang.

"Hmm," Mustang said. "Strange. They seem to be angry at anyone with a Y chromosome these days. How have you two escaped their wrath?"

"I told you being a pervert would get you in trouble someday," Ed said, still smiling. "I've grown up with strong women. I know what happens when you cross them. And I'd think that at least one of you morons would've been smart enough to know at eighteen, twenty, and thirty what I'd figured out at ten. And Al at four, 'cause he's always been smarter than me. But no, I'm apparently just a prodigy. And a 'prude'. But if 'prude' means 'vaguely decent and posessed of some degree of intelligence', as apparently it does, I shouldn't be complaining, now should I?"

Mustang stared at him. "You. You told."

"What, you're gonna call me a tattle-tale now, tell everyone I got cooties?"

"Why YOU-- !"

"Col. Mustang!" Hawkeye burst in. "These papers urgently need your attention, sir!"

"I thought THESE papers urgently needed my attention!"

"It's the military, sir, we do a number of important things!" She slammed the pile down on his desk. "And I'd suggest you get to it!"

Mustang rubbed the healing scab on his upper cheek. "Yes'm."

Ed smiled sweetly at him as Hawkeye slammed the door.

"Tiny-- yellow-- canary..." Mustang hissed.

"Chirp," Ed said, still beaming.

"Well, get the hell out of here!" Mustang yelled.

On the other hand, as sensei had tried to teach him, being underestimated was possibly the most powerful tool in any game or war. And being 'just a kid'...

He waved at Hawkeye as he and Al left. If you knew how to exploit them, being 'just a kid' had its advantages.

(--)