Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Alternative Script

AUTHOR: Rozalia Claennis

RATING: PG 13

SPOILERS: Absolutely

SUMMARY: In the sequel, we find scary Sephiroth clones that return with girlyness nobody can compare to, Cloud becomes unbelievably Squall-like, Tifa's boobs fluctuate, Red XII is actually Mufasa, Barret wears fish-net, and oh my gosh, Denzel is secretly a Dolphie!

DISCLAIMER: All rights and privileges to Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children and other related games are trademarks and property of Square-Enix and associated parties. The author claims no legal responsibility for problems associated with using this work. The original work is solely written by Rozalia Claennis.

NOTE: I hold no commitment to this . . .thing. Anyways, I want to thank you all for the reviews and comments! I never would have thought this little joke deserved reviews. :D Keep it up! But besides that, why are these football (soccer) players so hot? Sheesh. It's very frustrating. And I'm not joking either. Any of you chums watching the World Cup? I'm overly hooked on it, caught football fever, whatever you want to call it. And you know, I'm not rooting for England just because David Beckham's face is plastered all over the TV. -Scowls-

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PART II: SO MATRIX-STYLE OR CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGQUEEN, OI?

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ZEE ONLY BEDROOM

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(Finally, it's night . . . after a very, very, super-mega long day of one power-hungry emperor, some men-in-black, and a handful of silver-haired girly men who like to flounce their hip power.)

Cloud: -Twiddles thumbs- Maybe, if I stop by Sephora and pick up some-oh, damn, it's closed…

Tifa: -Pops out of the bed-

Cloud: Eh! What the hell?

Tifa: SURPRISE! Hehehehehe . . . .

Cloud: . . . . Dumb and Speechless are on the hunt.

Tifa: Yeah, isn't that all you care about. . .

Cloud: Actually . . .

(Hence motorcycle driving through glowing forest.)

Tifa: Did I not tell you how much of an emotard you are?

Cloud: You did?

Audience: She did . . .

Tifa: You think you could get away looking all depressed and mopey didn't you?

Cloud: I do?

Tifa: I SWEAR! Kids around here are following your example. And all you're doing is acting like a dejected loser who thinks this is the end of the world.

Cloud: They do?

Audience: That's why they all look all emo-y and somewhat like you, Sherlock.

Tifa: . . . . I hate you.

Reno: And so do we, yo. So stop zuru-zuru-ing or whatever the crap you're doing and let's get the hell outta here, yo.

Cloud: Where are the kids though?

Rude: The Humongous Seashell.

Cloud?

Tifa: You speak! -Le gasp-

Rude: -Blushes but is hidden in the dark-

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GLOWING FOREST MORPHS INTO HUMONGOUS SEASHELL

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(Gackt music ensues…or at least, something that is impersonating Gackt music. It's trying to create the mood of suspension. Instead, we're getting the aftermath aura that someone smoked way too much pot, engaged in some unsafe intercourse acts, and rock o' rolled throughout the night. The camera rolls by stoned kids. Not too appealing.)

Kadaj: I. AM. THE ONE…! -Waves arms around-

Audience: We can totally see where you're related to Cloud! You're a wannabemo AND a drama queen!

Kadaj: With my enticing silver hair and totally gay voice and body, I will fight against the world!

Marlene: -Le gasp-

Audience: -Mocks le gasp-

Kadaj: In fact, you all have the power to be incredibly beautiful like me!

Audience: Um. No thank YOU.

Kadaj: Because you know what, -abrupt stop in music- . . . WEEEEEEE ARE FAMILY! I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME! WE ARE FAMILY! GET UP EVERYBODY AND SING!

Audience: SPICE GIRLS! -Cough-

Yazoo: My god, we're your freakin' brothers. Did no sex change overnight.

Loz: -Cough- Maybeovernightyoudid. –Cough-

Yazoo: WHAT did you say!

Kadaj: So yeah, we have to fight, SOUL SISTAHS! FIGHT! YOU HEAR ME? FIIIIIGHT!

Audience: Yeah, he's drunk. Definitely.

Kadaj: AND TAKE RE-VENGE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Cue in special-effects of flying colors. You wonder why the kids haven't run away yet. This guy's is not only an awfully bad speaker, but he has no charisma whatsoever, is drunk (and probably high off something) and has the most girlish floppy emo hair.)

Kadaj: Now, I'm going to-

Audience: -engage in the most stupid part of the movie. EVER.

(WE ARE FAMILY-music stops and returns back to Gackt-music. Kadaj makes his way into the stream. In a very R-rated, slinky way actually. It's obvious that she-I mean he is not really, you know, a GOOD guy considering the water turns all black. –HINTHINT- He spoons water ever so slowly because his leather gloves are water resistant and none of it is ever going to slip through.)

Kadaj: Ahh, Dasani. My favorite. –Slurp, slurp, slurp-

Audience: Drunk off Dasani!

(Dramatically throws hands into the air. Really dramatically.)

Kadaj: -SIGH- That was . . . refreshing. Yuuuuuuum.

Audience: -.-

Kadaj: Watch my kinky, seductive smirk. :D

Audience: -.-;;

(Being the gullible, completely brainwashed kids they are, everybody except for Marlene goes off to drink "Dasani." Yes, indeed. It's a very Sims-like moment. From across the freaking, BIG and WIDE stream, Marlene spots Dolphie-boy and ever so softly whispers…)

Marlene: . . . Denzeru . . . .

Audience: Darling, he ain't gonna hear yah all the way over there.

(Denzeru is getting closer and closer to drinking the "Dasani.")

Marlene: -Slightly louder now - DENZERU! YOU BRAINLESS, BIG, FAT-!

(Too late. He doesn't hear her and gulps down the lovely water. His eyes dilate and man, does Kadaj look like a sadistic BSDM-freak right there… Well, maybe because he IS . . . for real.)

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MOTORCYCLE/GLOWING FOREST

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(Cloudo is making his way through the fishy-looking forest.)

Audience: Didn't yo mama evah tell ya to wear safetah googles while on a motahcycle?

Cloud: -Big, watery eyes- I can't believe Sephora's closed!

(Scene change. Aeris' Theme Song kicks in. And the queen herself is right there too.)

Audience: SHE'S ALIVE!

Aeris: You know, honey. Tifa's right.

Cloud: . . . That I'm a complete emotard?

Aeris: And very self-demoralizing. Quite selfish and narcissistic too.

Cloud: . . . .

Aeris: But that's okay, aren't we all?

Audience: The only thing is that he's to the extreme. . .

Cloud: Hey, hey . . . that's not very. . .

Aeris: Nice? Too bad. Aeris is not going to be nice and sugar-sweet for ya anymore. So what are you here for?

Cloud: Well. . . .

Aeris: Well?

Cloud: Well. . . .

Aeris: Honey, I don't have all the time of the world. There's other people that need me too, you know.

Cloud: -Le sigh- I just want forgiveness.

Aeris: Yeap, definite loser.

Cloud: What? -Turns around-

(Dream world disappears and he's back on his motorcycle.)

Cloud: WHAT?

(Bullets suddenly and spontaneously come shooting out. ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM.)

Cloud: YIKES!

Audience: And that's what you get for daydreaming while driving…!

(3 figures appear. It's the Three Stooges! . . . Not. Cloud takes out not just one sword but TWO from his expansive collection of EIGHT freakin' swords, stashed away in the confines of his beloved Big Fenrir. He's obsessed. And so are the stooges. Kadaj, the ultimate girly-man walks out and signals the kids to come down. From the trees. Like monkeys. And isn't it convenient how Dolphie and Marlene are in the front and are just about to get run over by their beloved role model?)

Cloud: OH CRUD!

(Cloudo swerves crazily from speeding too fast. Swords are flying, Big Fenrir is flying, he's flying. Do I sense repetition?)

Cloud: ARGH…FATE IS AGAINST ME! AGAIN!

Audience: It was against Achilles too and many great heroes. Don't worry. You're not the only pathetic bimbo-head.

Kadaj: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Look what we have here.

Audience: Mental, mental, do you need some mentos?

Cloud: I came here to pick up the kids. Now get out of the way.

Audience: Yeah, with one motorcycle. What are you going to do? Pull off the Wallace and Gromit stunt?

Cloud: In fact, yes!

Audience: Cloud, are you actually interacting with the viewers? O.o

Kadaj: Ooooooh, spontaneous confidence. Me like.

Cloud: Actually, I'd prefer it if you'd just shut up

Kadaj: -LE GASP- Are you insulting my beautiful voice?

Cloud: Umm . . . how about, hell yes!

Marlene: Time for intervention! CLOUDO!

Kadaj: -Turns- Damn! Wrong move! YOU SUCK!

Audience: . . . Totally.

(Cloud miraculously picks up his limp sword –snickers- (sorry about the phallic use of diction) and the fighting begins. Lots of sword swishing, lots of bullets, and . . .)

Loz: So dear brother, matrix or crouching tiger hidden dragqueen?

Cloud: The hell?

Loz: Too slow! Matrix-style it is, BA-BY!

(NO. 2 ULTIMATE FIGHTING SCENE: Lots of stop-mo, CG-ing, flying, tsunami waves, sound wave power, teleporting, just tons of Matrix-y stuff going on. Super-human-Cloud blocks all bullets, never gets scarred or hurt. Hecka amazing but more frustrating and annoying than anything else.)

Audience: Don't forget the repetitive action music.

(Cloudo catches Kazoo stalking him with his eyes and decides to go after him. Hence, more fighting and flying. Apparently, Cloudo is losing but OH MY GOSH, a big, red, magic carpet comes to save the day! It comes zipping through the air, knocks Kadaj over, covers up Cloud, and guess what, it shoots bullets! Awww, this thing is bloody brilliant! And before we really know what the heck it's doing, the carpet disappears into the night.)

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BACKSTAGE IN GLOWING FOREST

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Cloud: Oi, Vincento. My equally-emo-and-beauty-contest buddy, how are you doing?

(Vincento dramatically flourishes his cape. It seems that HE was the big, red, magic carpet… Wow, he's an animorph!)

Fangirls: Oh, oh, oh . . . it's-

Vincent: The same, me stalking bad guys and kicking their asses. It's all good.

Cloud: Oi, well doesn't that sound exciting? Soooooo . . . want to compete who's prettier?

Vincent: Thanks but no thanks. It's time for me to be Mr. Lecturer of the Night, you narcissist.

Cloud: Why does everybody call me that?

Audience: You know, we wonder why too...

(Vincent talks and talks. Probably the most you'd ever hear him talk. He's a great lecturer; probably the best. And besides, who can resist that beautiful, long ebony hair, dark eyelashes, low sexy voice, pale skin . . . . . . and frankly, I'm just kidding. The poor guy's in need of some serious tanning at Costa Del Sol. And maybe a make-over too? Por favor?)

Audience: HAIL the Great Vincent! For clearing up things! We heart you!

Fan girls: Oh, his…hair… -Faints-

Cloud: Hey, doesn't your shoes hurt your toes? They're a bit pointy, don't you think?

Vincent: AHEM, I'm talking here. Do you ever hear me talk? No. So let me have my 5 minutes of fame, will you?

Cloud: Sheesh, what's with everybody today?

Vincent: So anyways, BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH . . . . And so, it's basically like lupus, when your body tries to fight off evil substances, Jenova, Sephiroth, whatever the hell you want to call them crazy things.

Cloud: Wow, Vincento… you're so smart.

Vincent: You're just an idiot, that's all.

Cloud: -.- Geee, thanks.

Vincent: You're welcome. :)

(Vincento goes on rambling about creating Sephiroth clones and soon the lecture comes to an end.)

Vincent: So are you still up for that "who's-prettier-and-more-emo" contest?

Cloud: Not now, something's in the bushes.

Audience: IT'S MARLENE-O!

Marlene: -Dashes out- VMFGDar8uidfjadfkdakfamfkdfjf!

Cloud: How the heck did you find me?

Marlene: Doesn't matter! I wanna talk to Tifa!

Cloud: Spoiled brat, no? Hahaha…

Vincent: . . .

Marlene: I want to talk to Tifa!

Cloud: Oi, I think I lost my cell phone though.

Marlene: . . . Not like you use it anyways. . . .

Audience: Seriously!

Marlene: How about you, Vincento?

Vincent: -Flourishes his cape- Well, let's see. I have fake ID's, fake passports, fake driver licenses, 24 different type of currencies but nope, no cell phone.

Marlene: Man, you suck.

Vincent: Why, thank you very much, young lady.

Marlene: XP

Cloud: Well, can you at least take her back to Tifa?

Vincent: Who do you take me for? Your chauffeur?

Cloud: No but. . . .

Marlene: Cloudo, you suck more than Vincent! -Hides in Vincent's cloak-

Vincent: Wait a minute. . . you mean I actually suck?

Marlene: Si, senor.

Cloud: Marlene, get outta there. You're going to suffocate.

Marlene: Actually, it smells quite nice back here. Oi, Vincento? What cologne do you use?

Cloud: Look, Marlene. There's going to be a battle and stuff! Don't you understand?

Marlene: . . . .

Vincent: Dude, you're being even more loser-esque than I could ever be in my 77 years of life.

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FLASHBACK flashback FLASHBACK flashback

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Rude: The Big Seashell. You know, hide-out, meeting place, whatever.

Cloud: HN. I'm going to-

Tifa: Run away again? Disappear from life? Be the sorry emotard again? Well, wake up to reality! Life's not fair and running away from it is not going to make anything better. Besides, you can't stand being alone. You think we don't know about your little cell phone escapade? Oi, you're even more hopeless if you didn't have any connections to society!

Rude: . . . Nice speech . . .

Tifa: -Huffs- Thanks.

Cloud: . . . .?

Reno: Translation for you dude, go to the hideout.

Cloud: And since when did you become a woman's translator?

Reno: Since ever. Now go.

Tifa: And do you know why you're such a miserable loser all the time? It's because you're stuck in the past and you can't let go!

(Scene morph)

Cloud: But-but-but-but . . .

Aeris: Tifa's right again, hun. Why don't you learn how to let things go and move on?

(Scene morph back to glowing forest)

Cloud: Do you think I can like you know, move on?

Vincent: You're asking the wrong person.

Audience: No kidding! You're the ultimate emo-queen!

Cloud: Oi. Maybe I should you know try?

Vincent: Perhaps.

(Long thinking phase. Humma, humma, humma.)

Cloud: Well, I'm going to try it out. C'mon Marlene, we're going to go see Tifa.

Marlene: YAHOOO! I knew you would give in!

Cloud: I'll call you when I get the results, oi? And then we can go out, go shopping, visit Sephora, pick up some make-up tips, you know.

Vincent: You would have better luck finding me, you appearance-obsessed dimwit!

Cloud: I love you too. –Smooch-

Vincent: . . . The feeling's mutual, you big fluff-head.

Audience: Are we missing out on something here?

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STUPID, MEANINGLESS JOURNEY OF CLOUDO'S FALLING CELL PHONE

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Reeve's voice: So how are you dealing with your emotard-ness? I heard from Tifa you keep wallowing back and forth. And that business of yours? You sure it'd work? Seems like a pretty profit-less type of thing to me. Oh well, anyways, call me when you overcome your emo-ness, okay?

Yuffie's voice: HEY LOSER! It's great in WUTAI! You should come and visit! Seriously! You can't mope when I'm around! Heart Yuffie

Barret's voice: I'M COMING BACK, YO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO! See yah, pretty boy!

Tifa's voice: Hey, got a call for a delivery. Sounded kinda fishy so be on the look-out, okay? And if you get hurt again, I'm gonna WHOOP YO ASS. Got it?

(And the cell phone rests in peace. And so do we.)

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END OF PART II

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Much shorter than Part I, my apologies. But if I don't stop here, it'd be painfully long and I thought I should just stick with this. . . Besides, the next part of the movie is back to Dolphie City and just lots of action. And Kadaj's other two clones are frustratingly obnoxious. Well, so is everybody else. XD

COMING SOON IN PART III: I have no freaking clue. Cloud really sucks at singing but maybe, just maybe, altitude and velocity can change that. Much more pointless and random lame-ness ensues. And did I tell you Barret needs to cut down the steroids?