Epilogue

o

A motorbike thundered down the road in the late afternoon, eliciting scowls and grumbles from a few elderly passers-by and envious sighs from high-school students loitering in the streets and trying to spot celebrities.

It came to a halt directly in front of the NG studios. A member of the security instantly moved toward it, but returned back to his post when the driver took off his helmet.

A second motorbike drove in the wake of the first one and halted right next to it.

Ryuichi waved to the security guy to indicate that they were together and no one needed to kick anyone out of the premises.

"I can drive you to Hiro-kun," Ryuichi suggested.

Shuichi climbed down from the bike and grimaced at the aches throughout his body. "Thanks. I'm alright from here."

"I don't like this," Ryuichi said seriously.

'Too bad for you' Shuichi thought. He hated being snide, even just inside his head, but he was already horribly stressed out and needed to concentrate, and Ryuichi was just reinforcing his doubts.

"Shu-chan," Sheila begged from the other motorbike, "please, come with us?"

Shuichi shook his head. "I'll really be alright. Besides, if anything happens, I have your phone numbers." He tried to sound upbeat, but it wasn't working. He didn't feel upbeat. He was very frightened that Yuki would not let him inside the building, or that he would, but just to hand him a crate of his things and kick him out forever.

He would probably go to Hiro, or maybe right back to NG until tomorrow and then look for his own place. He had enough money to be able to afford something small.

Ryuichi pulled him close and hugged him. "Do you want Kuma-chan with you?"

Shuichi shook his head. "I've got to do this on my own."

Ryuichi nodded. Even though Shuichi didn't tell him, the man had already figured out where Shuichi was going, even if he didn't know why and what for.

"Me next!" Sheila demanded.

Shuichi hugged her, too. They were very huggy people, the Sakumas.

"Good luck," Shu-chan," Ryuichi said.

Shuichi waved goodbye as the two motorcycles sped down the road.

o

He got into the building by waiting round the corner and then running up to join a couple from a lower floor. They knew him, and offered perfunctory smiles and greetings. They opted to take the stairs rather than share an uncomfortable elevator-ride with the famous, allegedly missing Shindou Shuichi.

Alone in the elevator, Shuichi closed his eyes and fisted his hands. It was hard to breath. He didn't exactly know what he wanted, on the off chance that Yuki would actually bother to listen to him. If he would, then what? Should Shuichi tell him that he had cheated? Would Yuki even care?

Also, if it was just once, did it count?

It definitely did, Shuichi decided, imagining what he would feel like if he found out that Yuki had cheated on him.

He tried to convince himself that the comparison wasn't really fair to him, because he would never ever throw Yuki out, but in the end it didn't help. He had betrayed the man he loved. It didn't matter that he had been betrayed first. It was just an excuse.

Shuichi had tears streaming down his face by the time he arrived at the right floor. He stepped out of the elevator and dragged his feet toward the right door. There he hesitated. He raised his hand.

He lowered his hand. Gritted his teeth.

He raised his hand and knocked, just once.

Yuki probably wasn't home anyway. And if he was, then he would be shut in his office, working hard to meet some deadline or other. He would barely hear the buzzer-

The door opened, and Yuki was standing there. He didn't really look different – same casually elegant slacks and shirt, worn even in his home, same hair, same cigarette smell. It was like Shuichi had never left.

"I was not sure you would come back," Yuki said.

"I wasn't either," Shuichi replied, meeting Yuki's eyes. "I almost didn't." If not for Sheila, he most likely would have gone with Ryuichi. They would have made great 'friends with benefits,' very scandalous. The media would have been all over them. So much publicity! Still, Shuichi would be periodically crying himself to sleep over Yuki. He didn't believe he would ever get over Yuki, no matter whom or what he might find in the future.

"Let's make a deal," Yuki offered, beckoning Shuichi inside. They stood in the hall, still facing one another over the distance of an arm's reach, and Yuki closed the door. "I will not ask what happened. You will not ask either."

Shuichi shrugged. "It'll be on the news, anyway."

"No, it will not," Yuki said. "Not the important part."

"Okay," Shuichi agreed. "You won't tell, I won't tell." He could see that Yuki had done something he didn't want Shuichi knowing, which basically amounted to cheating. It did feel like a knife stabbing his chest, just as Shuichi had expected it would. A couple of tears refreshed the tracks down his cheeks. Still, a non-disclosure agreement wasn't nearly as bad as what Yuki could have done. "But why? I figured you'd have my things packed and waiting in the hallway."

Yuki was silent for what seemed like a long time. It was really hard for Shuichi to stand there, not move and not say anything. He felt like he was turning to stone.

"You are the one thing in my life that makes no sense," Yuki said in the end, carding his hand through his hair in a familiar gesture of exasperation. He scoffed. "And the only thing that makes any sense."

Shuichi's heart exploded with fireworks. He struggled really hard to not grin and throw himself around Yuki's neck. "I want my own key and my own pass-code," he demanded.

To his utter shock, Yuki simply nodded. "Done."

With heart still beating wildly and hope rapidly growing, Shuichi said: "I want to live with you, but if it's not working, I'll get my own place."

Yuki extended his hand toward a perpetually closed door. "The guest room is yours. Next time I need a moment of peace, I'll lock you in there."

It was said in a sad attempt at humour, and Shuichi wasn't in the mood. "No locking in. No throwing out. No telling me things just to hurt me." He stood his ground, inwardly terrified at being denied, mostly because he knew he would crumble and this would all have been for naught. "It might kill me if I lose you, but one day it'll hurt enough for me to want to die."

It already had hurt that much before. Shuichi had held on anyway. He wasn't exactly certain what Yuki would have to do to make him not want to hold on anymore, but saying it out loud would just invite more pain.

Shuichi never wanted to hurt Yuki, but if he became almost kind like this when he was scared, then a little uncertainty would help. Shuichi knew he was being taken for granted, and he didn't really mind that. He could ask for attention if he needed it. He could deal with being refused that attention.

He just needed some security.

"I am," Yuki professed, "probably the worst person for you to fall in love with."

Shuichi leaned against Yuki, and cried again, in relief, at being welcome into his arms. The embrace felt unusually sincere, as if Yuki needed to reassure himself of Shuichi's presence, and it made something beautiful bloom in Shuichi's chest. "The worst," Shuichi muttered into Yuki's shoulder, "and the best. The only."

Yuki kissed the top of his head and didn't pull Shuichi toward the sofa to make him earn the stay.