Questioned of Self
Chapter 18: Love, Heaven's Greatest Gift and Mistake
There's a part of me you'll never know
The only thing I'll never show
Setsuna curled his legs within the sheets. Tonight was a cold night and neither blankets nor sheets could help him find the warmth he was looking for. He was longing for a certain warmth from a specific person. For some reason that wish brought on a familiar sadness. That same sadness he had nights before when he didn't know he was the incarnation of an angel and just a normal boy.
"Bad Dreams." Mother would call them but they weren't dreams. They were feelings and those feelings were creeping up on him again. The sounds of the night sang to the savior, closing his eyes for him but not entirely. As he stared into the sleeping darkness his mind went afar.
He dreamed of Luc climbing on to his bed, the mattress shifting under his weight as he crawled over to Setsuna. The dark angel was an exquisite sight in Setsuna's dreams. Tall, ivory skin, piercing eyes above a supple mouth. Black strands of silk for hair as they beautifully draped over the side of his face, hiding a portion of his beauty. Those long and slender legs were placed on either side of the mortal boy as he laid on his stomach, unaware of the angel over him.
In his dreams, Setsuna felt the dark angel pull on the sheets to slowly unveil his bare skin. With a series of kisses, the angel lapped up that sweet taste which was Setsuna. The mortal boy inhaled sharply, causing his chest to rise up and his body to move fluidly under Lucifer's fingers. This feeling of lust was overwhelming—too much for it to be a dream.
"Luc…ifer?" Setsuna peered into reality, waking up from his light dream, and found it to be what he had imagined. There was his love, looking down on him with a face of contentment and looking more stunning then ever. Setsuna immediately seized Lucifer's waist and hugged him deeply never wanting to let go.
"Where'd you go?!" He sobbed. "Why'd you leave me for so long?" Lucifer stared at the weeping boy in shock. He had expected anything else from Setsuna as a reaction except this. Was his absence really this agonizing?
"Setsuna, I don't understand? What's wrong—''
"Do you always live your life with a blindfold?!" Setsuna snapped while pushing the angel away. "Have you no sense of what you do to people? Of the effect you cause people to feel?!"
"Savior, I—''
"Me! That Mad Hatter! Your own brother! Baru!—all of them worship you and you carry on life fixated with your own selfish thoughts of your glory, pride and revenge on Alexial, because she was the only one that made you feel like them!" Setsuna ripped his eyes away from Lucifer and found the comforter to be more interesting to look at. Lucifer watched the boy shiver in his own sobs, pitying him and his human emotions. The fallen angel smiled softly and was touched that Setsuna cared about him this deeply. He bent his neck down to the boy and rested his chin gently on Setsuna's shoulder.
"I missed you too, Savior." He whispered softly like feathers dancing as they descend to the ground. At the sound of those words, Setsuna fell in love with him all over again. His doubts of Lucifer melted away and he sighed peacefully.
Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes
-Muse
"I know." I replied, turning around to smile at him with tears in his eyes. "But why did you leave me!" He whined, beating at the angel's chest. "Did you have any idea what went on while you were gone?!"
"Only that Katan managed to sneak his way into your city and failed in poisoning you."
"So you did know." Setsuna's eyes widened.
"Well, it was my accomplice who continued saving your life." Setsuna found no lies in his eyes and was finally relieved from Katan's words.
"You're nothing to him! His past memories are dead memories. "
That's impossible. Setsuna thought as Katan's words circled in his head. Lucifer wouldn't lie, he's too proud for that. And if he didn't care about me at all than why does he always follow his way into my bed?
"You know, for the longest time I've been cold without you sleeping next to me." Setsuna finally said as he shifted over to the side of the bed for Lucifer to come and lay next to him. The dark angel gave him a slight smile and draped the thick sheets over their two forms.
"I'm sorry to hear that." He replied while sliding over to press themselves against one another for heat. Setsuna couldn't hold back this excitement that Lucifer was finally once again close to him like this. Many nights before were full of dreams and fantasies of him and Lucifer together like this. Not that it was happening; Setsuna didn't know what to do first.
"Take off your clothes." He ordered boldly. Lucifer stared at him for a moment before complying what Setsuna said. First he slipped his shirt off from over his head, than unzipped his pants before sliding them off along with his boxers. When the last article of clothing was finally off, Lucifer couldn't help but feel cold with him being naked and Setsuna still clothed in a shirt and boxers.
"And what of you?" Lucifer asked trying to hide his flushed cheeks.
"What about me?" Setsuna answered with his head propped up on his hand. Slowly he pulled the sheets away from Lucifer's flesh, like he was unveiling his own Christmas present. Yet Lucifer suprused him by holding onto the sheets.
"I said 'what of you?'" With a smile he lowered to Setsuna's lips and kissed him fully, using his moist tounge to dance around the mortal's lips before entering. Setsuna was so caught up in the kiss that he was half asleep to notice Lucifer pulling down his boxers till they slid under his legs.
"That's not fair." Setsuna chuckled while slipping off the shirt himself.
"Shut up and kiss me." Setsuna grew harder after hearing Lucifer's growling voice. The dark angel pinned him to the bed, hands bound above his head while having only the ability to open his legs to the angel. Lucifer straddled Setsuna, positioning himself. But Setsuna was so caught up he already began pressing his pelvis into Lucifer's, grinding into one another with all the strength in their hips.
Lucifer couldn't hold back a moan as Setsuna gasped.
"Setsuna…wait—''
"I'm tired of waiting!" Setsuna hissed at Lucifer, catching his mouth in a sloppy kiss. The moral threw his head back on the pillow and felt Lucifer's kisses slide along his neck and throat, down his torso and stopped. Without even looking he knew that Lucifer was spreading his legs wider, preparing to enter him. The apprehension of waiting made Setsuna feel giddy with excitement. He smiled and bit down on his lower lip to keep from giggling. It has been too long of wishing for this to come.
When Lucifer entered, Setsuna's back arched and rolled his head back with a shallow and harsh gasp. The angel didn't waste time and began pumping in and out of Setsuna on a rhythmic pattern. The mortal wrapped his legs around Lucifer's waist as always. The coldness was gone and now the two were entrapped in hot and humid air, hoping for that familiar chill would come back.
Lucifer didn't want to take his time and savor the moment. He gave way to his desires and thrust furiously in and out of Setsuna who didn't at once argue against it. He maintained a fast and forceful pace until towards the very end began slowing down to a sinuous sensual dance. It seemed the world was spinning around them though in truth nothing moved. The temperature remained the same and nothing in the world altered in the way they thought. Everything will never be the same but nothing changed.
"Lucifer," Setsuna finally said with a raspy voice. The mortal boy had just come right after the angel and now was in a state of a sleepless dream. "I can die right now and be content with my life." Lucifer opened his eyes in shock as Setsuna stroked his ebony hair.
"You," Lucifer's voice was muffled behind Setsuna's shoulder. "Really mean that?"
"Of course." The angel finally felt frozen after bathing in a bath of a warm and soft world. He pulled out from Setsuna and rolled over on his side of the bed. When reality comes it really hits you in the face.
"Then…" Lucifer didn't know what he was to say next. He wanted to tell Setsuna something but didn't understand what.
"Hmm?" Setsuna climbed on top of Lucifer, laying his head down on his chest, skating his finger over where there use to be a familiar stain gracing his skin.
"But if you die, you wouldn't come back." Lucifer's gaze was lost to the ceiling.
"Yes, but I would die in your arms and not alone."
"But what of everyone else?! They would be sad if you died and left them." Lucifer had to make sure that what Setsuna said was true.
"If I die, I die. No one has control over how they die. But when it happens I'll leave with a smile plastered on my face you can say." He chuckled. What Lucifer said next was so quiet.
"But what if I killed you." Setsuna froze.
Suddenly Lucifer flipped Setsuna on his back, pinning him to the bed once more but held a dagger in the air; ready to be driven into his breast.
"Lucifer?" Setsuna questioned. The angel closed his eyes and brought the blade down, plunging into the mortal's shoulder.
"Ahhhhh!!!!!!!" Setsuna cried, his hands wringing the sheets at the side of his head. Lucifer's free hand muffled his screams to a low murmur. Everything was in the angel's favor but something wasn't happening and it was scaring him. Setsuna wouldn't fight.
He twisted the dagger and the boy contorted in a more strenuous pose but didn't dare raise a hand to him to stop.
"Why…" Lucifer asked quietly as he watched tears squeeze out of Setsuna's shut eyes. "WHY WON'T YOU FIGHT ME!!!!!!!!?" He bellowed. The dark angel looked at his hand and found it shaking as it held the dagger.
An indescribable pain coursed its way through Setsuna's entire body. He held his cries in and forced his strength to be directed towards the sheets. Why was he doing? Why is Lucifer trying to kill me? What's wrong with him?! This is not Luc? His thoughts were interrupted when he began feeling droplets of water sprinkle across his face. Rain?
Setsuna opened his eyes and found they were tears from his crying angel. Lucifer had his head bowed in shame as he cried silently; his shoulders jolting up and down to show that he was weeping. It seemed at that moment nothing else mattered in the world but to find out what was troubling his love. What was hurting Luc to make him cry like this? The pain dissolved only to be replaced with a deep concern.
The boy didn't say anything. No questions, no soft words from a distant memory of his mother. He just took Lucifer's chin and guided it to where he could see his face; tear-stained and hopeless.
Lucifer saw no signs of pain or hatred from Setsuna as he peered down. Only a slight and weak smile graced his paled features.
"I had to m-make it s-stop…It wouldn't go a-away if I had-dn't done it." The angel hid his face in the crook of Setsuna's neck. "But I don't want you to die also." He cried, clawing at the boy's blonde hair.
"Why?" Setsuna asked.
"Rosiel made me, I—''
"No, why are you hurting?" Lucifer stopped crying. He slowly looked up at Setsuna, amazed that he cared for his wellbeing and not of the situation.
"I don't know. That pain always comes; an ache in my breast and whenever I'm alone it comes to torment me. Sometimes all I want is for someone to pull it out of me! I can't take it Setsuna! I can't live with this! Ever since I got this body it's been nothing but constant pain…Sometimes I wished I was never brought back. I had forgotten what it felt like to have a body and now I wished I was back where I was." Lucifer rested his head on Setsuna's shoulder. He saw his body rise and fall with his deep breaths. The mortal was still alive and not an inch close to death.
"Why are you feeling this pain?" Suddenly a feeling of anger snapped inside of Lucifer. Not because it was a dumb question to ask but that he didn't know the answer himself.
"Why do you think I'm here?! I don't know!" He yelled. "And I hate you for giving me this pain—not you but everyone. Ever since I began seeing you, understanding who Kira was, I've been in nothing but an abyss of emotions. And I—''
"Don't know what to do." Setsuna said. "Yes…I know what you're going through—probably more than you know yourself."
"…How do you make it go away?" Lucifer whispered, staring down at Setsuna with the strength of one arm holding him up.
"You can't make yourself not be in love. Trust me, I tried it before."
"You don't know anything!" Lucifer hissed as he pulled the dagger out with one quick motion that pained Setsuna. He sat up and faced the wall with tears of frustration rolling down his cheek for fun.
"Let me guess…" Setsuna said as he got up, gripping his shoulder. "You're throat goes dry all of the sudden. Your stomach seems to shrink where even breathing in air makes you want to throw up. Nothing around you matters and you grow numb all over. You're neither sick nor well. It seems silence kills you but even a crowd full of friends tortures you even more. And within your breast lies a throbbing pain that aches day in and day out. Like you want to pull it out and watch it squirm in your hand as your strangle it."
He was right. All of the symptoms that he described just now were what Lucifer goes through all the time. This constant pain that seems no medicine can relieve.
"I know because I felt it too."
"What?" Lucifer turned and found Setsuna staring into his hand.
"Bad dreams I called them but now I understand. Those nightmares or waves of feelings that washed over me were full of that same pain. Like getting your heart broken and watching it disappear into the wind. Now that I know of your pain my prediction was correct. These bad dreams which haunted me as a child were no more than Alexial—crying out for you. And now that you have a body, with a heart, you're beginning to feel those same feelings too. This pain is nothing more than mourning."
"Shut-Up!" Lucifer slapped him. "I don't love!"
"Don't lie!" Setsuna looked at him with eyes ablaze with tears and fire. "Just now you held on to me as if you would never let go."
"But you're not Alexial."
"And you're not Sara but that still won't change what I feel for you."
"And what do you feel for me?!"
"I love you!" Lucifer stayed silent. He was swiped from under as Setsuna pulled a fast one of him. Never would he think the conversation lead to this. "And you love me." Lucifer wanted to retort and say 'no' but something kept him silent. He didn't fight.
He moved closer to Setsuna, his hands under cold and bloody shoulders. Automatically Setsuna laid back, reclining on the weight of Lucifer, and allowed for his heavenly aura to wash away the blood and clean his cut till nothing marred his skin. The boy looked at his shoulder and found it clean from the wound where the dagger once pierced him.
"Rosiel will punish the both of us if I'm not dead." Setsuna said as his fingers traced where the wound was.
"I don't care anymore…But you do know that your life will seal our love?" Setsuna looked at him. "I won't be coming back anymore, Savior. I knew that much when coming here. Something was going to dye." The mortal accepted it as he leaned back again.
"But you can't kill love, I told you that enough Luc."
"Than we'll just hide it and use that love to love another." Lucifer didn't know what he was saying himself. Already he was losing train of thought. "You have Sara…and I have myself."
"No, you have Alexial…your brother, Baru, Mad Hatter." Lucifer chuckled.
"How is it that you know more of me than myself?"
"That Michael has a big mouth." Setsuna smiled weakly. His eyes began to flutter. Dawn was coming over the Evil's Kingdom and so much as happened within this one night. After having incredible and much needed sex, while also getting stabbed and crying his heart out—Setsuna was very tired beyond words. The only thing that kept him from falling asleep so easily was the fear that Lucifer would be gone when he woke up.
"Promise me you won't cry." Lucifer whispered. Setsuna knew well what he was asking. He was asking him to not cry when he would wake up and finds him not there. "Promise me you won't let this affect your previous goals but help you overcome them even more."
"My God, are you turning soft on my Satan?" Setsuna laughed softly.
"Good." Lucifer knew that Setsuna was hiding his promise under the guise of a joke. He could feel it in his voice. After what it seemed like eternity, Lucifer felt Setsuna had grown limp from sleep. Slowly, the fallen angel laid the boy down on the bed and covered him with the warmth of the sheets. He'll have to be cold once more. The angel thought.
He only slipped on his shoes and pants. The angel didn't know where his shirt had gone to but his mind revolved around the sleeping form beside him. No tears fell this time, probably because he was so sad that he couldn't even cry. It's not going to be the last time he'll see Setsuna but it'll be the last time he will see him like this: worn out and pure without the fire of hatred but full of devotion and care for him.
Lucifer bent down and christened his cheek with a series of soft kisses. One after another he clenched his eyes to keep from crying again. Never had he cried so much in such a little amount of time. The mortal was dead to his kisses as he slept and dreamed for the both of them. Than there came to the moment when there was nothing else to kiss. He had touched Setsuna for the last thousandth time and all ends were tied. Now, he knew, was the moment where he would leave.
For some reason the walk to the hidden door lasted on for miles but it only took ten steps. That familiar chill had grabbed hold of him again and he wondered if Setsuna felt the same. The air around him closed in, suffocating him but he noticed a difference. The pain was gone. Out of all moments the pain had finally released him of it's agonizing grief. When he had finally reached the door, he looked back. Setsuna was still lying there, thinking that he was being held by an angel instead of sleeping alone.
He took his time to drink in the sight. The early morning's hue grew to become a rosy glow, illuminated the entire world which Setsuna seemed to fill. Lucifer felt weak and didn't know that this beautiful morning was all in his mind. Though it's better to remember Setsuna in that warm glowing way than what reality had of him.
The fallen angel opened the door and after walking though closed it. He didn't know that he was closing their love; locking it and throwing away the key along with the hope of ever hoping it again. A second chance was doomed to be impossible.
Rosiel's mansion was quiet at the time Lucifer arrived back in Heaven. The candles and warm fires burned low. Lucifer followed the colonnade, leading him on his way to his rooms. However; the angel didn't want to fall into his bed and sleep alone. He wasn't ready for the cold chill yet as what Setsuna now endured. His steps began to drag a little, hauling along the marble floor.
Nothing seemed to pull him from his dark dream until his eyes caught a flicker of bluish silver. There leaning on the same doorway where Lucifer last saw him was the grinning Rosiel.
Lucifer stopped and turned to face him as he was. Stained with Setsuna's dried up blood and marked with passionate bites he was covered with all the things Rosiel thought were disgusting. Yet he never smiled at him more warmly than he did now at the fallen angel.
"I take it that you didn't kill him." He chuckled, turning to go back into the library. Lucifer thought best to follow him since he had the notion Rosiel wasn't done with him yet. The grinning angel plopped himself on a large couch and sat up, extending his hand for Lucifer to come.
"I expected you to come back unsuccessful." Lucifer again dragged his way and knelt down at Rosiel's hand, taking it to give a gentle kiss on this familiar palm. This was the same hand which grabbed his soul from the depths of his prison and thrust it into the same body he had now. To think that this crazed angel was actually now Lucifer's creator, his mother…and he never hated and cherished something more than him.
"I'm so tired." Lucifer sighed, allowing Rosiel to comb his hair comfortingly.
"I know, I know." Rosiel cooed. He moved so that Lucifer could lie down next to him on the couch. The dark haired angel did so without question and nestled his face to be smothered with Rosiel's scent.
"I keep on forgetting your not use to a body yet." He said softly like a mother. "After living in a prison all these millenniums, the material world can seem tiring." Lucifer's eyes grew to become aching with sleep. His breathing grew to a minimum and with the body warmth of Rosiel he didn't care of what the world was doing around him. Everything will never be the same but nothing changed.
The world still had an up and down, a heaven and hell. There was good with evil and love with hate. Time continued to tick the seconds of life and life continued to live with the actions of the world. It was as if this constant pattern which Lucifer was now getting use to was singing it's lullaby to him.
"Let me..." He said to Rosiel. "Just forget and sleep." He drifted off with Rosiel's hands still caressing his face and stroking his hair.
"At least for the night." Rosiel smiled. "My child."
"Is it normal to be this tired, Master." Lucifer murmured, half asleep.
"No, but it's normal to be this sad." Everything will never be the same but nothing changed. And in those familiar arms, Lucifer dreamed of crying out for her too.
The End
REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For some reason I don't feel that it's a strong ending as I would have wished it to be...Hm, I don't know. I'm so happy that I've finally tackled through this chapter. It's been so long to just plan it right not only writing it. I'm also happy to have finally wrapped up this strong. I just finished reading Angel Sanctuary Vol. 16 and that's the one where Lucifer actually enters the story. So basically this has been a long time since I first written it. I really hope that this has reached all your expectations and I would love to hear what you think in your reviews. I didn't want the ending to be a big Boom but more mellow as if the story itself is falling asleep along with Lucifer. Wow, the more I talk about it the more I like it. Ha-ha.
Just another note to those that don't know Baru. Baru was the guardian of both Lucifer and Michael when growing up together. Though Baru was always thought to have feared Lucifer she actually loved him deeply and was nervous around him. But when Michael finally goes in to kill Lucifer at the War of Heaven, Baru steps in and sacrifices her own life for Lucifer.
Again I hope you all enjoyed the story and please REVIEW!!!!!!