Rated M for suicide references.
Spoilers from volume 17. Read at your own risk.
Fruits Basket and its respective plotlines and characters are the property of Natsuki Takaya. I do not lay any claim to them by writing this fan fiction.
This is my first real dark fiction, and my first oneshot. I hope you enjoy it!
Darkness. I looked out the window at the garden surrounding my room, watching the full moon cast long, milky shadows against the intense, bleak darkness that occurs just before dawn. Why was I awake? I didn't know. It was odd. I usually slept late, sharing my futon with Kureno. For some reason, that night, I just couldn't sleep.
That darkness, that damn inky darkness surrounded me, engulfing me into its nothingness. I leaned out the window, resting my chin on my arms, a familiar position that most would find uncomfortable. I stared off into space for a long time, I don't remember how long. Reflecting. Remembering. I sighed, though the meager sound that I had let loose was carried away by the night's light breeze.
Even though darkness suits me, I hate it. I loath it. It reminds me how alone I really am. Even though twelve people are still bonded to me, twelve people who have to do whatever I say, no matter the circumstance… they all loathe me. Some had even run away from me, hiding themselves at Shigure's house, that damn dog's house.
Shigure… he never comes to see me. No, he did come, but only to report to me what was happening at his house. He only came because he had to. He'd rather live at that house than live with me. He loves Ren more than he loves me. He doesn't deserve to live in the same estate as me!
If he slept with that monster… why should I care? If he loved that woman, why should it bother me? It wasn't as if… as if I love Shigure. I don't love anyone in that matter. I only want them to love me. Well… I love all the Jyuunishi, but not as a lover.
The only reason I sleep with Kureno… was so he would be a part of me once more. That way, he is required to stay with me, so he won't abandon me. He won't ever leave. It wasn't because I love him or anything, I don't love anyone like that. I'm not allowed to love. I'm not even allowed to be a woman.
My mind wandered, and I clenched my fists slowly, obviously betraying the mood that was festering within me. As the sun peeked above the horizon, the birds started to sing their wretched, out-of-tune songs. Why are those birds always so damn cheerful? It only reminds me how alone I really am.
I continued to stare at the slowly brightening sky, reluctant to let my mood be swayed by the change of night into day. The sun was too damn cheerful for me.
I retreated, my footsteps padding along the tatami as I walked out of the room. I slid the door shut, listening to the wooden frame scrape along the frame as it clacked shut. I didn't want anyone to follow me, not even Kureno, should he awaken, even if he was my only real companion.
I began to wander, my mind still ill at ease. I'd been increasingly restless, as though my mind was running a million miles ahead of my body, and I was losing energy trying to catch up. Hatori had commented on how much paler than normal I was, and how I'd lost weight lately.
That was because I hadn't eaten.
The sustenance that most people worshipped, I just don't need it. Food is for the weak. So many pathetic humans let food comfort them, going to it whenever they are sad or nervous or stressed; thus growing fat. Everyone is fat, really. At least, compared to me.
If I can't be a woman, I'll at least be thinner than any woman I've ever seen. That way, I'll surpass them, showing everyone in the entire world that I am indeed superior.
Anyway, I was wandering around, and suddenly, I felt as though I was finally in the right place. I looked around, a slight shiver running up my spine as I realized where I'd stopped instinctively.
It was Kureno's house. I'd walked automatically to Kureno's house. I stared at it for a moment, surprised that I'd wandered there unconsciously. I paused, then opened the door ever so slowly.
The first thing I noticed was the scent. It smelled like a man. Not just any man, though… it smelled like Kureno. Even though that was obvious, it surprised me - I rarely left my own room, let alone visit Kureno's.
Suddenly, the realization of how alone I was hit me again, as I remembered the last time that I'd been to this place. It was the day when Kureno had his mysterious 'business' to attend to. I wasn't stupid. He'd went to see someone; someone he didn't want me to know about.
He'd left me that night. He'd left me. Just like Shigure'd left me. He'd slept with me, then left, and I haven't seen him since, except for his damn reports about Yuki's student council meetings.
Suddenly, my entire body hurt. That pain came back - the pain I'd felt ever since that woman had first told me about how I was worthless and unneeded. It was obviously true, just look at how readily everyone left me. It hurt to admit it, but… She was right, and I was wrong.
They don't really love me, no matter how much I beat it stubbornly into my head.
I didn't want to realize that, I didn't want to admit it to myself! My hands raised up, and I clutched the hair at my temples. I collapsed to my knees, sobbing, tears running out of my eyes. Why did it hurt me so much? I knew it all along, it wasn't as if it was any surprise.
No! I didn't know, it wasn't true! They loved me, they had to love me! It was forged in blood, that damn bond that none of us could escape from!
I began to try to vent my anger. I had so much pent up inside that if I saw another human being anytime soon, I'd probably do something extremely violent involving a bloody pipe.
I ripped at my hair, clawed at the carpet, and scratched at my skin, all the time sobbing my eyes out, probably babbling incoherently about it was true, yet it wasn't. Without even realizing I was moving, I found myself in his bathroom.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My skin was no longer just pale, it was turning a tinge of sickly yellow. The dark bags under my eyes, swollen from crying, didn't help my appearance either. I stubbornly wiped a tear away from my eye, only to see it replaced by another.
Suddenly, a glint of silver caught my eye. It was out of place in the white porcelain abyss of his bathroom. I glanced to the side, trying to identify the mysterious object. It was a razor.
Kureno had left his razor out. I picked it up slowly, then broke the plastic covering that held the three blades together. I picked up one of the blades, running one of my thumbs along it. I blinked, glancing at my thumb, feeling a warm droplet of crimson blood drip down towards my palm. My eyes must've widened as I stared at it, mesmerized by the little rivulet running down my hand.
Before I knew it, I had three fresh scars on my left wrist.
Not too long after, I was back in my room, my yukata draping off of one shoulder as usual. I had only been away for around a half hour, and I hoped Kureno was still asleep. As I silently slid the door open, a sigh of relief came from my throat as he was still laying in our futon.
I walked slowly towards the bed, glancing down to make sure that the hastily prepared bandages adequately covered the slits I had made in my wrist. I didn't know how serious the cuts were, of course I was worried, but I couldn't let anyone know that it was bothering me. Thank god I didn't have an appointment with Hatori that day.
I laid myself down next to Kureno, my tired, swollen eyes finally closing as I sank off into the blissful nothingness of sleep.
Several hours later, I felt my shoulder being shaken slightly. I frowned, but eventually opened my eyes. It took me a while to focus, but eventually, I saw Kureno hovering over me. After he was sure I was awake enough to comprehend his words, he said softly, "Akito, Shigure-niisan is here to see you."
That took a moment to sink in. Shigure was there? Why? What the hell did he want? Then, after a moment, my blood ran cold. The cuts.
I faked a yawn, then said, "Tell him to wait. I need… to use the bathroom." That little line was probably the least Akito-like thing I could think of, but I needed to lock myself somewhere where I knew I wouldn't be disturbed.
After I successfully cut myself off, I pulled my sleeve back, looking at the bandages. A slight tinge of red peeked through at places, but it wasn't readily noticeable. That was good, at least.
I emerged a little while later, making the time that passed seem realistic. Kureno was off doing something, probably at his house - I'd disposed of his razor, so I wasn't nervous. All I'd really done was pound my fist on the floor, anyway, so he probably wouldn't even know I'd been there.
I walked into the room where I'd agreed to meet with Shigure. He was probably just bringing me another report of his house. That's the only reason why he ever visited, anyway. He was kneeling in the back half of the room. For safe measures, I sat on the far side from him, leaning against the wall.
"Are you feeling well, Akito?" His face was politely arranged, a slight smile playing on his lips. It was so fake, I almost laughed. He was so stupid that he was either extremely amused at something or annoyed at another. That was just how he worked.
I offered the fiercest glare I could muster, saying tightly, "What a stupid question. When am I ever feeling well?" Really, he should've known the answer to that. That just shows how simple-minded he could be.
"Of course, of course. I'd just come by to give you a weekly visit, to tell you what's happening at my comfy little house…" He began to elaborate, though I obviously looked bored as hell. He glanced at me, saying, "What's wrong? You're spacing."
"Shigure… why don't you ever visit me?" I don't know why I asked that question. He didn't visit me because he didn't like me, it was obvious. There was no other reason.
He had the nerve to look confused. "…Huh? But, Akito, I come to see you at least once a week…"
I frowned, glaring at him harder than ever. "Yes, but do you ever come just to visit me? You always come just to give me a goddamn 'report' or to visit Hatori… when was the last time you came just for me?"
His simple mind must've picked something funny up from that, because he began to laugh silently, his shoulders bouncing slightly. "Why, I think it was the time we slept together, actually…"
I leapt to my feet, the anger that I'd been holding in coming to the surface once again. "Why do you have to test me? I am your God! You don't have the right to talk to me like that! Apologize!" At the deafening silence that followed, I shouted once more, "Apologize!"
His face had become hard, and he said softly, "I wasn't testing you, Akito-san. Merely answering your question."
By that time, I think tears were dripping down my face once more. I motioned angrily with my left arm towards the door, pointing at it angrily. "Leave! Get out of my sight!"
Despite the vision that was blurred by tears, I saw his face become pale. "Akito… your arm…"
I glanced down at my arm. The sleeve of my yukata had slipped back, revealing the bandages. I'd probably reopened the cuts, as the cloth was stained a deep crimson. My eyes widened, and I stared at it numbly for a moment.
He stood, walking towards me. "What happened? Did you fall? Does Hatori know about it?"
I looked back at him, stepping towards him. After a moment, I drew my right arm back, then slapped him as hard as I could. He stumbled, almost falling. I might be the skinniest person in the world, but I'm not weak. "No! You're an idiot, of course you wouldn't know how much you hurt me! This is what you do to me! This is how I feel, Shigure!"
His face paled even more. He must've realized that I'd done it on purpose. It wasn't a game any more, my life was on the line. He'd pushed me to the edge, and I'd finally gained a lead on him. Now I was in control.
"Get out, Shigure! I never want to see your face again! Out!" Of course, that wasn't true. No matter how much I denied it, I did want to see Shigure… I wanted to see him more than any other person in the world, but when he treats me like that… I feel like I don't even know him any more.
He slowly walked forward, his eyes wide and his face pale. He reached out slowly, then caught my wrist as I tried to hit him on the chest to get him away from me. After he stared at my face for a moment, he wiped a tear from my cheek… then hugged me gently. I glanced at him. He was staring at the back wall, his eyes still wide, as if he was stunned.
The only thing he could say was, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Akito…"
Author's note:
Probably more than a little out of character in places, but I really wanted to write a fic about this. It was fun.
Please read and review, and let me know what you think!