I don't own Naruto. Please read and review! I enjoy constructive criticism and ranters and anonymous people also!
This is sort of related to my Hatake Cycle books - White Fang, Revelation and Gentle Lesson. A kind of prequel, prequel which shows my take on the man Hatake Kakashi. Hope you enjoy! Ja ne!
Left Me In the Rain
Dedicated to Maureen, who asked for angst.
You broke your promises
Two weeks after the funeral - a quiet affair with only a handful of people attending - I left the Hatake dojo - the empty complex.
"You can't stay here," Sensei had repeated yet again, green eyes filled with worry. "But it's your choice - and I've got a good place for you..."
Empty family dojo with a bloodstain that wouldn't scrub off. Sensei's love nest with his newly wedded wife.
Both options seemed -
I frowned.
"Some bachelor apartments are being let at a really cheap price in the eastern end of town."
"You're going to live alone?"
A pause.
"Kakashi."
"What?"
"That's - how're you going to eat?"
He was grasping at straws and we both knew it.
"I've known how to cook since I was - six," I state matter of factly.
He shook his head.
But we both knew it was true.
For the longest time, it had been up to me to upkeep the dojo and prepare the meals. It had been I who paid the laundry women to come in and do our clothes, the butcher to bring the meat, the grocer to deliver vegetables. Good thing we had a family servant for the longest time to care for my father's needs.
Still. I know how to take care of myself. Sure, it's unheard of, a fourteen year old shacking it up on his own, normal teens didn't survive long alone.
But then, since when could I be called normal?
"Such a child," The Uchiha lord looking down his nose at the white-haired teen, still skinny and gangly. Still suspicious and hurting.
His mouth curved down in his habitual frown - at the corners of his mouth, heavy grooves hung, like angry parantheses. "It just goes to show... well... Itachi hear will get the best of the best, Ayashi-san. I'll be so busy with him now that he's showing signs of great promise."
The words went unsaid but well understood.
We don't want him - a skinny runt of a fallen, disgraced clan.
"He bears a Sharingan. It would be good for him to learn from the best of the best," Ayashi had said evenly, displeasure open on his face.
"Nothing good will come of that, mark my words! Hmph. No Sharingan has ever been accepted before by any body but Uchiha!"
It cut deeply. The pain building up in my chest. That night, I ran home to a small apartment - still bare and desolate. Curling up under my mother's favorite quilt, I cried silently, willing myself not to sob out loud - aware that walls are only too thin in the ninja world.
Nobody was going to see me fall apart. Nobody.
No Uchiha. No Hyuuga. No Morino. No Sarutobi.
I was a Hatake.
Although that doesn't mean much...
I hated him in that moment.
I'll always be there for you, Kakashi.
I love you.
You are my proud son - a great son for a great name!
I'll never leave you.
You look just like your father, eh?
Kakashi - there is true power within you!
You and I can change this - to reap the full potential given to both of us, inside us.
You broke your promises!
I hated them all.
When Rin and Sensei died, I was a bit more philosophical. By then, I understood. Death is a natural thing for us ninjas. We are born, we live, we die. Still. The betrayal of leaving cut deeply.
The night the fox demon disappeared into the belly of an orphaned child, I wasn't celebrating or publicly mourning. I would commemorate Sensei on my own. Just as I kept Obito's memory alive all these years.
And Rin as well.
I remember her now - lying in the bed, on pristine white pillows. She was in the hospital for the first time - but not nursing the injured as she normally would have done. Instead, she's the injured - and there's nobody able to heal her.
For one moment, I am selfish. I wish we were on a mission. Why did it have to happen here? She lays her hand on mine - it doesn't feel like my hand upon the starchy sheets, and for a moment, the unreality of it all blurs my vision - and I know that Obito is crying.
I've failed you.
I'm no better than my father, really.
"Kakashi. Remember me," Rin said, with gentle gasps (her lungs were collapsing - lifting my hitae ate, I could see her chakra system shutting down bit by bit).
I now see it is worse to watch the one you love die than to be surprised by a pool of blood in a study.
"But - promise me..." She turns her head, eyes very bright. "Promise me that you'll live for us. I always - I always..." Even now, she knows I don't want to hear it. "always... wanted you to be happy..."
It's the wish of the dead - they always tell me this when they die - when that light disappears from their eye.
Live for us.
Don't forget us.
Be happy.
Grow.
Be strong.
Protect Konoha.
Protect Konoha.
Those were my Sensei's last words.
Now, I stand here, before the memorial. Today is another funeral. Sandaime.
I remember Father: the note, "Kakashi, grow, be strong. You are my proud son."
I remember Obito: his last words, his courageous action.
I remember Rin: the way she fought for us - her love for me unreturned.
I remember Sensei: as he smiled up at the star-filled sky.
They lived, fought, and died for love of family and friends.
For Leaf.
For Konoha.
I zone back to the present - we are walking down the main street of town, mission-less and aimless. Naruto is the only one who's chattering away, as usual. But I can see that he's only hiding the great sense of unease that we all carry now that our Kage is gone.
"Kaka-sensei, I feel better now that Iruka-sensei and you explained it," Naruto nodded. "Still... it's hard to accept, ne?"
"Aaaa..."
That night, Team 7 left for their homes and I dropped for a quick bite at the IchiRaku Ramen shop. Iruka-sensei was there already, contemplating his ramen.
He followed me out and looked up at the dark, grey-clouded sky.
"I had hoped it would stay nice for the weekend," he grumbled and then sighed. "It would have been nice to go out for an excursion with Naruto."
He paused.
"Naruto needs companionship more than ever now - since HE'S gone... I'm worried that he'll get depressed. He needs to know that somebody will always be there for him."
I grunt with non-commitment.
The sunshine teacher who always seems to glow with good-will and cheer - sometimes I see him depressed - but he seems to have moved on and created his own family.
I've been lucky to be surrounded with people who are good friends. But there's no one really close for me. Iruka and Naruto have a relationship - but that's going to come back and hurt them in the future.
"Let's hope you're right," I finally mutter.
Iruka blinks.
"Konoha is always there for us."
"Sure."
He doesn't pry, but I can see his gaze on my face.
"I'm willing to listen, if you need any company," Iruka says, looking down with a blush. "I understand what it means to be alone and to feel loss."
I walk on and don't answer him - just raising my gloved hand to say 'bye'.
How does one respond to that?
Relationships are all well and good when it's fair - but the loss - when it comes (and it always will) - kills. I've been through the cycle before.
Is this worth the pain?
To see Iruka under a rock? In a hospital bed dying? By a river, a silent corpse?
They had lived and loved, just as he does now.
But.
No.
Impossible to go through with it.
I don't want history to repeat again.
You left me in the rain.