Author's Note: Please do not kill me. First of all, wow. It's been six years since I've updated? And second, be excited I rediscovered the next 5 or so chapters! Enjoy, and thanks for sticking by, or reading again, or reading it for the first time ever. Damn, I missed this fandom.

The Uncensored, Unedited, Unpredictable Diary of a Crazed Muggleborn Bookworm

Chapter Four- How to Dent a Padded Wall

How to Dent a Padded Wall: A Four Step Program to Denting Those Padded Walls Which Keep You Imprisoned

By: Hermione Granger

Step One

Pick up biting book. And yes, it has to be a biting book.

Step Two

Anger it in some way that makes it bite. An ideal way of doing so is telling it that it does not deserve to be a book. Nor does it deserve to somehow have teeth to bite with. Admit to it that you are about to end its ungodly life.

Step Three

Anger it further than just biting. Make it shake with anger. You can do so by telling it how much you would like to burn it, threaten it by saying you have a book of matches waiting in your pocket.

Step Four

Launch it at the wall when it is just about to bite. And watch it tear apart the padding.

October 12 5:57 P.M.

I received my new diary from Dr. Princely, who was very shocked to first of all see the bite taken from the padded wall. What shocked him further was to see Book lying torn apart beneath the wreckage.

Yet the arsehole thinks I, lover of books, did it.

He dared to suggest that I, Hermione Jane Granger, tore apart my precious Book AND took a bite from the padded wall.

Cause I definitely wanted a mouth full of padding.

After several more sessions alone with him, telling of my life as a pill-popping widower, he concluded that I needed a new one of you.

I'm not naming you though.

And if you bite me, you'll go the same way as Book did, let me tell you straight out.

I will not be taken advantage of by my own diary.

And I'm gonna stop talking to you now, cause you're not interesting like Book was.

9:43 P.M.

So maybe it wasn't that great of an idea to flick potatoes in Malfoy's face.

And maybe it's wasn't too smart to casually stroll away as if I did not do it, back to Malfoy.

Cause now my back is covered in pudding, and no one will allow me to change my clothing, while Malfoy got to take a shower.

They told me I need to learn to behave.

Gave me a speech that I was twenty-seven and could no longer act five.

Oh please, I was at least acting like a 10 year old.

Bloody hell, Ron would still do it to Harry, because Harry would fill with rage and exclaim that none of us knew how to properly treat potatoes.

That's another story I shall not get into. For Now.

After being forced back into my padded wall, that has a spot less padding than it did a week ago, I found you. Lying open.

Along with a page torn out.

So I suggest you step up your game, nameless. PROTECT YOURSELF!

If I find out who did it, I'm going to let THEM burn you.

Mostly because I could never bring myself to actually set a book on fire.

Imagine how bad my room would smell.

Book would never have let anyone touch him that wasn't me. Even when it was me he bit me most of the time.

Seriously, I have never written in such a boring journal. You are so boring.

Don't make me repeat myself.

Fine. You are boring.

The most boring book I've ever—

Oh so now I've got a SPITTING book?

Fucking great.

October 28 4:54 P.M.

I decided not to write in you for several weeks due to the fact I still cannot accept you spit at me.

Where do you get the spit from anyway?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

But, you know, you could have spit in the face of whoever tore a page out.

I mean, that would be the logical thing to do while under attack.

And no I'm still not naming you, so stop giving me a glare worthy of Book.

I did him in and I could do the same to you.

Somehow.

Maybe find a way to drown you in your own secretion.

That would be amusing to me. To watch a book drown.

I can imagine the sputtering now.

Oh don't you bloody spit on me again. I can tell you're considering it.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Whether or not you remain in existence is mine to decide. And right now I'm about to drown you.

So life just isn't in your favor at the present time. I advise you to be very wise with your next move. Especially if it involves spitting at me once more.

I will now once again make an attempt at this wall. It's been bothering me for about four days now, since that is when the chunk of padding removed by the now deceased Book was replaced. I had been staring at it, and all at once I realized.

ARE YOU A WITCH OR WHAT?

Bloody hell, I'm so idiotic at times.

How to Dent a Padded Wall: A Four Step Program Designed to Assist You in Beating the Ever-loving Shite Out of Those Bloody Padded Walls From Hell

By: Hermione Granger

Step One
Remember, you are a Witch (or Wizard, bah), and you do not need a wand

Step Two
Brace yourself, grab all objects not bolted to floor

Step Three
Pause.

Step Four
Expel all energy and magic from within

November 12th 8:00am

Apparently, padded walls can be quite useful. I believe they saved my life. ALL HAIL THE GREAT PADDED WALLS!

Yes, nameless, just keep laughing. I'm investing in a shredder the moment I leave here.

Tremble more, I need the power trip.

As I was saying, before you rudely interrupted me.

Ahem.

Oh god, I'm going to end up a cat lady. Terrible realization. Changing the subject now.

These past few days, I've been heavily sedated following an episode that ended with heavy injuries sustained to my person. Shattered elbow, mild concussion, a bit of flesh missing from my shin, and my other foot broken in three places. One must admit, the potions used for pain management are of a different variety than Muggle medication.

I have never been so high in my life.

What's that, nameless? You hear that paper shredder coming closer too?

Fuck, man, don't spit anymore. Gross. Actually, on second thought, keep going. I could probably get myself another dose if you continue and I develop an infection.

Fiending? I've been on drugs TWO measly days, and there is no way I could be hooked already.

…

Right?

Merlin, I'm going to be a drug addict cat lady, scrounging up change from the couches of homes I break into, horde of cats behind me. Hmmm… An army of cats.

I have officially found my calling in life.

10:37 am

That did not go as planned. Dreams now shattered, just like my elbow.

Laugh once more, I dare you.

You think it's just hilarious, my dreams comparable to such things. Well, good sir, I must say that I cannot blame you, really. It is quite funny I almost blew myself up.

The best part is how not a single thread was broken or frayed. Damn wall and its damn fabric.

ALL HAIL THE GREAT PADDED WALLS!

11:02 am

I know one mustn't be redundant, but Draco Malfoy must die. Along with you. In the shredder you both go! Goodbye!

I cannot believe within two minutes of me going on a bathroom break you opened yourself up and divulged my inner most thoughts to Draco Sodding Malfoy.

Wonder if I could convince him to change his name to that legally. It has a nice ring to it.

"Dear Draco Sodding Malfoy,"

"Introducing: Draco Sodding Malfoy, Worlds Most Ferrety Ferret"

"Welcome to the most Noble and Ancient House of Malfoy, Draco Sodding Malfoy is pleased to have you here"

"Would you please pass the bread, Draco Sodding Malfoy?"

"Wanted Dead or Alive: Draco Sodding Malfoy"

11:58 am

Overlooked flaw in brilliant plan: "Signed, Draco Sodding Malfoy"

Thanks, Draco, for that wonderful, further dream shattering observation. I'm going to tear your eyeballs out.

Now that I am aware you have been reading this most private journal of mine, I must inform you that by touching this book, you have now gained plus one hundred and six experience points. You may not pass go or collect 200 dollars.

If you are interested in how you gained such large amount of experience at once, I must now inform you of the curse I placed upon the journal in your hands. Muggles know it as fibromyalgia, and it rages through their world unstopped, incurable. You have four days to live. Upgrade quickly.

Fibromylgia +106 exp.

12:08 pm

I am commandeering this journal. Hello, nameless, nice to finally meet you. I hope you live up to the legacy of your predecessor. The work Book had completed on Granger was absolutely brilliant, truly an artist.

You. Beaver.

I was assured by the nurses this fib-reo-whats-it is not a contagious illness among Wizards, but in the jeans of Muggles. I see no denim, therefore I find it highly unlikely you have contaminated me whatsoever. Other than you existing within the same hemisphere, of course.

Also, I will, in fact, be passing go and collecting 200 dollars. Not that it matters, I don't need to be told by some strange top hat wearing old swine when and where I can collect any form of currency. It is all in my bedroom at the Manor. Some days I swim in it, like that silly old duckman, but I wear no suit.

Try getting that image from your mind.

Moving on, I will also accept the plus one hundred and six experience. I am now a Master Warrior Mage. I believe that beats your Cat Lady powers.

Sincerely,

Draco Sodding Malfoy