The Forgotten Plague of Egypt

(Author's Note: Hey, BasilioBoy777 here. This is another one of my old English assignments that I recently found on an old computer. This one's a bit newer and better, I hope than The Spectacular Spider-Ham; this one's from junior year. The assignment was to listen to various kinds of folk music from around the world and write something about them. I was rather bored at the time and possibly high. I had to be to come up with something this insane, so I came up with this little piece of absurdity. I put this here to once again show my development as a writer over time. So, with that in mind, try to enjoy this as much as I did when I wrote it. A sugar high might help, trust me. Later, True Believers!)

Hey. How are you? You may not recognize me just yet, but I'm sure you've at least heard of me. I'm the main character in the single-most best-selling book of all time. Lots of different authors. Historical book. Not ringing any bells? You know, the Holy Bible. Yeah, that one. Do you know who I am now? Still no, eh? Fine then, I'll tell you. I am God. Yep, that's right. The one and only God of Abraham. You don't believe me, do you? Fine. Think what you will.

Anyway, you might be wondering why I'm speaking to you now, considering I like to work behind the scenes most of the time. I'll get straight to the point. Did you know that a piece is missing from the Old Testament, more specifically a chapter from Exodus? Oh yeah. It would be there, but you know how things are with the translations, the retranslations, and the re-retranslations, and so on and so forth. This "lost chapter" contains the never-before-told of, in my opinion, the nastiest plague that I sent to Egypt. To save the time and resources needed to reprint quite possibly billions of copies of one book, I'll just fill you in on the details now.

"Let my people go, Ramses!" Moses said boldly. "This is your last chance!"

"Never!" replied the Egyptian king. "As long as I draw breath, the Jews shall serve the Pharaoh!"

"God has been merciful to thee so far, Ramses! He has not yet begun to fight!"

Darn straight I hadn't begun to fight. I was just playing it easy, as to not be so hard on the Egyptians just because they had a stubborn blockhead for a pharaoh. If I had really let loose, that wouldn't have been fair, would it?

"Pah! Your 'God' has no power compared to that of Ra! All he could do was send flies and locusts and wild animals!"

"You forgot the fire from the sky, the whole stick into a snake shindig, and don't even get me started on what he did to the Nile!" replied Moses with confidence.

"Oh no!" cried the Pharaoh sarcastically. "What's he gonna do now? Send any army of plush toys to destroy Egypt? Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Now that guy was really asking for it now. Many people had pushed my patience throughout the centuries and looked what happened to them. Now it was on.

"You shall see, ignorant one. This will be the granddaddy of all plagues. Prepare yourself . . ." said Moses slyly. With that, the prophet of the almighty God left the Pharaoh's chamber.

In his room, Ramses II was laying on his bed somewhat uneasily. Random thoughts raced through his almost empty head. He pondered things like, "What exactly did that crazed Levite mean anyway?" and "What could be that bad?" I decided it was time to lay down the line.

"Thou art very stupid, Ramses the Pharaoh!" I said to him from the heavens. "For your disobedience, I, the almighty God, shall give the Egyptian peoples the worst three days of their lives! Even worse than the time I made it pitch black! After I'm through with you, you'll wish you were deaf!"

"Huh?" said Ramses, puzzled.

No sooner than I ended my mini-speech, than I unleashed my ingenious plan to finally convince that guy to throw in the towel. Bad folk music! Music bad enough to make you wish you were in a boxing match with a hungry Mike Tyson!

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed the Egyptian monarch as he clenched his ears. "This God is cruel and unusual!"

Well, not really. This particular plague was meant to punish mostly just Ramses, not the people as a whole.

And so, music that only a deaf person could enjoy cursed the Egyptian peoples. Many were driven insane after only a few hours of it. I littered the hot desert air with all sorts of sound junk. The Irish bagpipes, Mexican mariachi bands, bad disco, the Beach Boys, heavy metal, second-rate country, retro, native African, Jamaican, and worst of all, "gangsta" rap are just some of the horrors that I so unmercifully poured out upon the poor Egyptians. Never had I thought of a plague so terrible! Even the plague of the death of every Egyptian firstborn that I had yet unleashed was Heaven on Earth compared to this!

After two days, and still the music, if you could even call it that, had not yet lifted. What few people remained (i.e. those who hadn't committed suicide yet) flocked to the front gates of the Pharaoh's elegant palace.

"For Anubis' sake! Let those stinkin' Jews go already!" cried the people with raging fury.

Ramses never was exactly the most popular guy around. Sometimes not even with his father, Seti! I suppose that always riding in the back seat of the car of life was a major fueling force for his cold-heartedness.

Ramses himself appeared before the multitude. "Alright! Alright!" he said to them. "I'm just as miserable as you are with this . . . this . . . I dare not say in front of children. More than half of my servants have already killed themselves! I can't take it either!"

"Finally ready to throw in the towel, oh balding one?" said Moses in a cocky tone.

Ramses spun around like a figure skater doing a triple axle. Moses, in saggy red robe, stood leaning against a pillar behind him, loosely twirling his staff like a large baton.

"How in the Underworld did you get here?" the Pharaoh exclaimed.

"Magic," said Moses sarcastically. "Give up? Can't face the music anymore?"

"Like Osiris I could! That wasn't music! That was nails on a chalkboard!" shouted the Egyptian monarch at the top of his lungs. He was obviously seriously ticked. "Your God must be off His rocker to put Egypt through that!"

Now I do say, I take offense! That darn hypocrite. Just look at the crap he made the Israelites suffer through!

"No, He's not crazy," replied the Israelite. "Just really pissed off at you. You gonna let my people go now?"

"Fine. Whatever," said Ramses in a cruel tone. "Just get them out of my sight by dawn."

"About time you caved," Moses said and he turned to go. After a few steps he stopped. "By the way, thanks," he said behind his back.

After Moses left, Ramses chuckled to himself evilly. "Ha ha ha! No, you fool! Thank you!"

He always was one to make sure that his enemies didn't hold all of the cards. Not someone you'd want to play poker with. By the next day, my man Moses had gathered the Israelites together and they were just about to leave Egypt when the Egyptian Royal Guard appeared. They forced the Israelites to go back home.

"What the Heck!" exclaimed Moses. "The Pharaoh and I had a deal!"

One of the guards turned to Moses. "Oh yeah, that reminds me," he said. "King Ramses wanted me to deliver this message to you, Moses." He took out a piece of papyrus, cleared his throat, and recited its message. "Psyche!" With that, the guards ushered the Israelites back to their homes.

"Darn that stingy brat-of-a-Pharaoh!" muttered Moses under his breath. "Now what?"

I'll have to agree with Moses on that one. Ramses could really be a Grade-A moron sometimes. On my Top 10 list of stupidest of all time, I think he'd be number six. He is right up there with Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Marilyn Manson.

I then answered Moses. "Don't worry about it," I said. "I got another doozie for him and this one's a guaranteed shoe-in."

Moses was puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

"This time we'll use his big, fat mouth against him! Dang, I've outdone myself this time! Go and tell him that the next thing that comes out of his mouth will be the next plague."

Yes, just when I think I can't get any better, I go and think of something like that, and totally redeem myself. As it has happened innumerous times throughout history, an entire civilization would come to ruin because just one man couldn't keep his big mouth shut.

And the rest, as they say, is history . . . literally.

Anyway, that should've tied up any loose ends. Now I need to get back to my job of listening and answering prayers, running the universe, and the like. Until the next time I have to correct a huge screw-up in common doctrine, which will hopefully be never again, I talk to you later.