Ah, crack. Yay. XD Written for a buddy. Hope y'all enjoy!
The Telephone Game
"Come on, idiot, pick up your phone!" Rukia tapped her foot impatiently on the tile, growing more frustrated by the second. It was bad enough that it had begun to rain while she was out--umbrellaless, of course--and she realized on the way home that she was not only wet, but hopelessly lost as well.
And Ichigo wouldn't pick up his damn phone.
I'm out. Leave one.
In the past five mintues, she'd heard that message three times. She didn't want to leave one, thanks.
"Listen," she snarled, "I have no idea where I am. Pick. Up. Your. Phone."
Nothing.
Angrily slamming the phone shut, she chucked it in her bag and began to pace up and down aisles--she had taken refuge in a grocery store.
Probably not a good thing, since she was so hungry she heard her stomach growl.
"I can wait," she said firmly when she passed a shelf full of cupcakes. "Stuff's unhealthy..." But her arm snaked out to grab a box anyway, and she continued pacing.
Five more minutes passed. Ten. Fifteen.
Rukia dug around for the phone, flipped it open.
No missed calls.
"Oh, that does it--"
Her finger paused over Ichigo's number on speed dial, though she didn't press down.
Another name caught her attention.
"Hmm..."
---
"Hello?"
Rukia grinned. Never a day went by when the girl wasn't bubbly. "Hey, Inoue, it's Rukia."
"Kuchiki-san?"
"Yeah."
"Is something wrong?"
Her voice sounded concerned.
"Well, actually, I can't get ahold of Ichigo, and--"
"Kurosaki-kun?"
"Er--"
"He must be in trouble!"
"No, wait, Inoue--"
"I'll go to his house and check on him, okay? Don't worry, Kuchiki-san!"
The connection ended.
Rukia stared at her phone in disbelief.
"What about me?"
---
His phone was ringing.
"Ichigo? Aren't you gonna answer it?"
"Shuddup, Kon," he mumbled, burrowing deeper beneath the sheets. "I'm sleeping."
The stuffed animal made an impatient noise and climbed over his keeper's body to reach the nightstand.
"If you won't, then I will," he sniffed, and fumbled with the contraption until he got it open. "Helllloooo? Ichigo's ph--"
"Gimme that," the redhead snapped, and grabbed it.
"Kurosaki-kun?"
"...uh..."
"Kurosaki-kun? Are you there?"
"...Inoue?"
"Oh, thank goodness!"
"Huh?"
"I'm so glad you're safe!"
"...what? I'm not--"
"Bye bye! I'll call you right back!"
Dial tone.
Ichigo looked completely perplexed, and Kon tilted his head to the side.
"Who was that?"
"Inoue."
"Inoue...OH! The one with the huge ti--"
A well-aimed pillow turned him into a projectile.
"Tactless bastard..."
---
"Kuchiki-san! He's fine! I just talked to him--"
"WHAT? HE PICKED UP HIS--"
"Hold on a minute, Kuchiki-san. I have a beep."
"INOUE! DON'T CLICK--"
Rukia closed her eyes and counted to ten, hastily unwrapping a cupcake and taking savage bites out of it while simultaneously glaring at those individuals who clucked their tongues at her for her outburst.
"Not like you're all stuck here because your friends are morons..." She muttered.
---
"Inoue. Why did you think--"
"It's all straightened out, Kurosaki-kun. I was halfway up your driveway when you answered, so I didn't have to knock. I'm on my way home now."
"You were here?"
"Mm-hm! I was so worried! You really shouldn't play practical jokes on your friends like that, you know. It's mean."
"But, Inoue, I didn't--"
"I'm sorry, Kurosaki-kun! I'm on the other line, so I can't talk. She's probably upset with me..."
"Wait! She?"
"Mm. Kuchiki-san. Gotta go!"
"Hold up! Inoue--"
Click.
"Sonofa--"
In his heap on the floor, Kon snickered, and this time, a shoe came flying at him.
"OW!"
"I'm calling Rukia," Ichigo declared. "I'll bet she put Inoue up to this..."
---
"That was Ichigo, Kuchiki-san. He said--"
"ICHIGO?" Steam practically shot out her ears. "Why that little--"
"I told him he was rude for tricking you, though he seemed surprised. Maybe he doesn't realize you were frightened? I think you should talk to him yourself, Kuchiki-san. That might help smooth things over a bit."
"Talk to him?" Rukia's voice was strained. "Talk to him? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO--"
She heard a beep.
"HA! Just a sec, Inoue."
"Um...okay..."
---
"YOU."
"YOU."
"Me? What the hell was that for? Are you--"
"Inoue thinks I was in danger because of something you said!"
"Oh, blame me. That's so typical, Ichigo, you moron. If you had answered your phone, we wouldn't have a problem!"
"Don't get snappy with me! How the hell am I supposed to know who's calling, eh? I'm not a friggin' psychic--"
"You're lazy! I'll bet you were taking a nap!"
"...er..."
"I WAS RIGHT."
"...SO? I'M ALLOWED TO TAKE NAPS WHENEVER I WANT. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE--"
"IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE!" Rukia was certain her face had flushed by now, and more people were gawking stupidly at her, but she ignored them. "I'M LO--"
"SEE YA, RUKIA."
"DON'T YOU DARE--"
He hung up.
"WOMEN."
Kon snorted.
---
"Did everything work out?"
Rukia was silent.
"Kuchiki-san?"
"I hate men."
"...what?"
"I. Hate. Men. All of them. They're JERKS."
"But...what happened?"
"Nevermind. I've accepted my fate. I'll be lost forever, but that's fine, AS LONG AS THAT TWIT ICHIGO STAYS FAR, FAR AWAY."
"You're lost?"
Rukia giggled manically as she tore another cupcake out of its wrapper.
"Yep!"
"So...oh dear. That's why you called me, isn't it?"
"Right!"
"Stay where you are."
"Sure!"
"Please stay, Kuchiki-san. I'll be there soon."
"Mm!"
Those cupcakes were delightfully good. She ate another.
"Stupid Ichigo...STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!"
---
"I'm ashamed of you, Kurosaki-kun."
"...Inoue?"
"Kuchiki-san is lost, and all you did was make things worse!"
"...lost?"
"Yes! Lost! She thought you would help her!"
"...oh."
"You will apologize when I bring her home, I assume."
"Apologize? She screamed at me--"
"Because you deserved it."
"Wha--"
"Goodbye, Kurosaki-kun."
Ichigo flung the phone and didn't care where it landed.
Kon did.
"DAMN IT! THAT HURTS!"
"Good."
---
"There, there, Kuchiki-san. We're back, see?"
"Lovely."
"...Why don't you let me hold those cupcakes for you?"
"They're not heavy."
"But...your eyes are--"
"You ought to try one, Inoue. They're tasty."
"Kuchiki-san--"
"OY! ICHIGO-BAKA! HAVE SOME CUPCAKE!"
Splat.
Rukia cackled.
"HOW YA LIKE THAT, EH? I GOTCHA--"
Quite suddenly, she toppled over, but Inoue caught her before she hit the ground.
"Too much sugar," she said worriedly. "I knew she looked strange...well, you can say you're sorry when she wakes."
Ichigo wiped frosting off his nose, expression mutinous.
"ARGH!"
He would never understand women.