Heero::

Is there ever any reprieve from all of this? The pain, the anger, the eventual defeat.... falling when you know you can't ever get up. So many times, I've watched you sleep. You don't know, I know you don't. If you did, I would be laying on the floor with a bullet resting inside my head, blood pooling out underneath me. There's no question of your feelings...that is, if you even have any at all. Sometimes you're just this emotionless bastard who gets a kick out of playing with my head. But then, other times... other times, I've caught this look in your eyes, and it I didn't know better, I might think you even cared for me.

But that's impossible.

Do you remember when you jumped off that building? Hell, I do. I was so damn scared, calling your name, yelling for you to open the fucking parachute.... and what brought you out of it was her voice, Relena's voice, calling to you. Not mine, hers. How many times have you saved her life, supposedly in the name of peace? There's just too many to count. All I have of you is a picture, dammit, and a bad one at that. You were sitting on the dock, staring out at the ocean... I had a camera with no flash, so I took the picture. I guess you mistook the click of the camera as a gun being uncocked, because you spun around, ready to kill whoever had intruded upon him. Your eyes almost softened when you looked at me...almost. Or, it could just be my wishful thinking. It's probably the latter. She holds your heart in her hands, squeezing it gleefully, doesn't she? Doesn't she, Heero?

You're probably never going to even be reading this letter, funny I realize that now. I'll bet that the moment you saw my name on the return address, you ripped it up and tossed it in the trash in disgust. I do disgust you. Every time I try to put an arm around you, you shrug it away and 'Omae o korosu, baka' me. I never have found out what that means. No one seems to want to tell me. Especially you. If it's meant to be insulting, just say it in a language I can understand, dammit! Or do I repulse you so much that you don't feel like taking the time would be worth your while?

I'll do anything to make you happy, Heero, just to see you smile, don't you understand that? I'll even willingly hand you over to Relena's clutches to live out the rest of your life...well, maybe not completely willingly, but I'll do it if it will make you happy. Have you ever been happy? In your entire life, have you ever smiled for no reason, just because you feel good inside and you want the whole world to know how you fell? I have. I remember this one time when we were on that one mission...you know, the one where...oh, never mind. You weren't paying attention to me then, you won't be now.

Did you know that I've been doing some research on the least painful applications of suicide? Because I think it would make you happy if I was completely gone, but I don't want to prolong the pain any longer than I have to to leave it forever. Would that make you happy, Heero? Because if it would, I'll gladly do it. Maybe I'll jump off a building, wouldn't that be so ironic? It *would* make you happy, right? Right?

Or would it make you happy if I told you how I felt, just so you could look me in the eye and confirm that you felt the exact opposite? Dammit, you can't begin to know the depths of my feelings for you. You have no feelings, as far as I can tell. Maybe you show them to Relena. All those times that you have solo missions... are they really missions, or are they excuses to be with her? Not that I care, as long as it makes you happy.

But truly, Heero, is there ever going to be a reprieve for this pain I feel? I know you're probably the wrong person to ask, but I can't help myself. All I want in life is to make you happy, but I can't seem to. When I talk to you, you glare at me and seem to tone me out, not listening to me chatter. When I cease the babbling you call my words, when I try to be silent for you, you get all confused, as if you want me to talk. Why do you have to be so damned perplexing, Yuy? But...is there ever a reprieve? Have you ever had one, in your life?

You wouldn't understand the pain, Heero...it eats at me, tearing me up, all because I want you so badly...and I know I never will have you. I've tried to kill myself before; there are scars all the way up and down my arms attesting to that fact. But... at the last moment, before the last slash across my battered wrists, I stop, and I think -- Is this what he wants? Will this really make him happy? Or am I throwing something away as a 'it could have been'? So I stop. I put away my knife, or whatever sharp instrument that I've been using, and I take a bandage and wrap my arms, waiting for them to heal. Well, I guess you know now why I wear long sleeves in the summer. I stop, because I just can't let go, I can't stop hoping for that reprieve.

Do they even exist?