The Mega Dark Angsty Zelda Fic!
By Galaxy Girl
This is what happens when a usually happy-go-lucky-crazy-humor fic author tries to write angst. You get one crazy, ultra depressing Zelda fic where nothing worse can happen! I'd like to thank Chica and Cerena Montanyu for inspiring me to write darkly. OK... here goes...
(PS: At the beginning, the words in are my thoughts as I write. And of course, to make it dark, everyone has to die by the end!)
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OK, let's see... I'm writing dark... Let's see... OK, I need a setting. Hyrule should work pretty good!
It was a pretty ordinary day in Hyrule. At first...
Not bad... Now I need characters. I'll start with adult Link, of course.
Link sighed and flipped channels on his TV set. He had been pretty depressed lately. No new monsters to kill, no worlds to save, and no one had called him on the phone recently. No one, but...
Malon and Zelda are the two people most shipped with Link. I think I'll put them in, for drama
Suddenly, the phone rang.
Link picked up the receiver and answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, Link. It's me, Zelda... How are you?"
"Zelda, will you stop calling me? You know I hate it when you two fight!"
"Oh, you just ignore that sissy little bumpkin, OK sugarlips?"
"Um, Zel? Please don't call me sugar..."
The Call waiting button flashed. Link groaned. "Call waiting, Zelda. Just a minute,"
He pressed the flash button and heard the clucking of chickens in the background.
"Hi Linky! It's me, Malon!"
"Oh, hi Malon. Sorry, but I'm on the other line."
"With who?"
"Uh... Darunia?"
"WRONG!"
"Er... Mido?"
"Mido lives across the street from you. You wouldn't be calling him."
"Fine. It's Zelda."
"ZELDA? That wench! Listen to me, Link! You tell that blonde bimbo to keep her hands off of you, OK? I'M yours!"
"Malon, for the last time, I don't like either of you... Like that."
"Don't lie to me! Don't you dare lie to me!"
"Sorry Mal, gotta go."
Click.
Malon screamed in rage and threw her receiver against the wall. The wall creaked and smashed in a small dent.
Wow, Malon thought, I didn't know I had such an arm!
"That man! I just don't get him!" Malon cried, flopping down onto her bed.
Malon sighed and stared up at the ceiling. She was positive that her beloved Link and her belonged together... after all, she HAD given him her favorite horse! What had that brat Zelda ever done for him?
The red haired ranch girl smiled and gazed at the picture of Link she had tacked to the wall near her bed, and right next to the dent in the wall from the last time she had called Link.
"No matter what he says, I know he knows the truth! I'm the one for him!"
Talon opened the door carrying a tray of soup and fresh milk for his daughter. "Malon, lunch..."
He stared at the phone on the floor and the dent in the wall.
"Darnit Malon! That's the third time this week! I can't afford to keep buying drywall for your room when you throw your little hissy fits!"
At Hyrule Castle, Zelda waited patiently for Link to click back over to her line. She twisted the cord around her finger and waited.
Then, she heard a familiar voice speaking the message that drove rage into her blood.
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial your operator!"
"Shoot! He hung up on me again!" she screamed, tossing her phone against the wall.
The phone shattered.
"Oops... brick wall. I forgot!" she said.
Zelda snapped her fingers. "IMPAAAAAA!"
Impa has to be in here of course
Impa raced into the room, looking pale and tragic as usual. "Yes, Zelda. What is it?"
"I broke the phone again!" she said, pointing to the bits of plastic shrapnel on the floor.
Impa sighed and snapped her fingers. A maid ran into the room and swept up the phone, or what was left of it.
Then, a butler rushed in, holding a brand new cordless phone on a silk pillow.
"Thank you Impa!" Zelda said.
"You're welcome," Impa said, sighing sadly.
"What is it? Is it the phone?" Zelda asked worriedly.
"No, something else. Never mind. Enjoy your new phone," Impa said, sweeping a bow. Then she quickly left the room.
Zelda laughed and pulled up the antenna of the cordless. She was glad that Impa hadn't told her. As if she cared what was wring with Impa!
She dialed up Link's number.
"If Link won't call me, I'll call him!" she cried. He would hear what she had to say, no matter how many times he hung up!
Back downstairs in the castle, Impa was walking sadly through the many passages of the palace. Then, the doorbell rang.
"SOMEONE GET THAT!" she screamed.
A few minutes later, she heard a servant call. "Impa, it's for you!"
Impa grinned and raced to the door. "That can only be one person!"
I'm like the biggest Ganon/Impa shipper there is, so I'll have to put good old Ganon-chan in here
Impa opened up the door. Her beloved fiancé Ganondorf Dragmire stood there, holding a bouquet of roses.
"Come-a courtin'!" he said, handing her the roses.
"Oh, hello my dear sweet beloved!" Impa said. Suddenly, her tone dropped to a sad moan. "There's something I have to tell you!"
Ganondorf frowned. "What is it?"
"Come to my bedroom," Impa said quietly. "It's very important!"
The two rushed upstairs to Impa's modest bedroom. She took a seat on the bed and held her fiancé's hand.
"By dear Ganon-chan... I... I have to leave tomorrow!"
"Leave? Where?" he asked urgently.
"Far away from Hyrule... I must..." she said sadly.
"But WHY?" Ganondorf cried.
"It's... aliens..."
"Aliens?" he echoed.
"They're coming here... to take my brain away for further study of Hylians..." Impa said, burying her face in her hands.
"No!" Ganondorf cried, leaping up off the bed. "Our wedding is in a month! They cannot have you!"
"I had a dream..." Impa said. "In the dream, you tried to protect me from little green men, and then they killed you with a big evil alien blasto-ray thingy!"
"NOT... A BIG EVIL ALIEN BLASTO-RAY THINGY!" Ganondorf yelled.
"I must leave, and you must stay!" Impa said. "The aliens will get me if I don't!"
"I won't let them!" Ganondorf said, a little more soothingly. "It takes more than an alien blasto ray to scare Ganondorf Dragmire!"
"You musn't make them angry!" Impa cried. "I... I want you to stay alive and remember me if they do get me!"
"No! I can't leave you!" he wailed.
"I called you here today to say... to say that..."
Suddenly, the servant's bell rang and a shrill voice screamed, "IMPAAAAA! I BROKE THE PHONE AGAIN!"
Impa sighed and stood. "I'll be right back... I have to go help Zelda," she said.
"I'll stay right here and wait for you!" Ganondorf said triumphantly.
"Thank you, my love..." Impa said sadly. Then, she rushed out the door.
Ganondorf gasped as soon as he was sure Impa was out of hearing range.
Aliens! How could they do this to him!
He was sure that he couldn't live if his dear sweet beloved Impa was gone... either dead or just gone!
He couldn't live with himself if he let his fiancée get abducted by space crap!
Ganondorf sighed and made his way into Impa's private bathroom. He stared in the mirror and thought.
"I hate myself... I'd hate myself if she were gone! She is what makes me me!" he said surely.
"If Impa dies... I have to die!"
Suddenly, Ganondorf noticed a hair dryer that Impa had left inconspicuously plugged into a wall socket above the toilet.
Then he noticed a bathtub full of warm water next to the toilet.
He stared at the hair dryer. Then at the bathtub. Then at the hair dryer. Then at the bathtub. Dryer. Water. Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water...
Ganondorf stared back and forth...
It wouldn't be a dramatic angst fic without Ruto, of course. So, let's put Ruto in here...
Ruto screamed in rage and thrashed around her room. She threw an antique Gill-A-Zoran era lamp against the wall. She shoved all of the papers off of the desk. She turned out all the drawers and smashed every breakable thing she could see.
MARRIED? HOW COULD HE BE GETTING MARRIED?
Malon had called to tell her! To tell her that ZELDA and LINK, her beloved fiancé were getting MARRIED!
And though Ruto frankly didn't like Malon and wondered where she had gotten her phone number, she knew Malon had no reason to lie!
Ruto tore apart her dresser, tossing all her fancy party dresses on the floor. They were smeared with dirt when she picked them up to tear them.
"So what? HE'LL never see me in them!" she wailed, ripping them to shreds.
He had to pay! He had to pay! He would pay for breaking her heart!
Ruto threw open a cabinet on the far side of her room and gasped at what she saw.
It was her collection of deadly weapons and randomly pointy sharp things.
She lifted a butcher knife. It gleamed in the dimly lit tunnel where her room was.
Zelda would pay for what she did to Ruto! She would pay with her nose!
Ooooh, how Ruto HATED that nose of hers! Zelda's nose was so small and cute... while Ruto had such a small nose, it was almost invisible!
Ruto knew that if she had a cute nose like Zelda, Link would be madly in love with her!
Ruto pulled a belt out of the cabinet and fastened it around her waist. She hooked three sharp knives and a rapid fire machine gun to the belt. She packed 12 Chinese throwing stars in her purse, and wrapped a large camo bandana around her large blue head. She painted two black cat lines on her face, and removed the makeup that covered the ZORA SPECIAL FORCES army tattoo on her right arm.
Ruto walked calmly through the throne room. Her father, King Zora stopped her.
"Ruto! Where do you think you're going?"
"Oh, I'm going... I'm going to get my revenge on Princess Zelda!" she said coolly.
"Oh, OK! Have fun sweetie! Be back by four, OK?" King Zora said.
"OK! Bye Daddy!" Ruto said, winking and looking her sweetest.
Let's see now... I like Nabooru, so she'll be in here too
Nabooru took a sip of her coffee and rubbed her bloodshot eyes. She had been awake for almost a week straight. But she just couldn't sleep... Who knew what would happen if she was asleep?
A message box popped up onscreen.
"White Knight challenges Warrior Princess Fianna to a battle!"
"Oh, so ya wanna be cheeky with me, huh?" Nabooru laughed to no one in particular.
She pressed a few buttons.
For the last week and a half, Nabooru had been involved with an online RPG called "Killinastuff". Her character, Warrior Princess Fianna, was undefeated in her last 492 battles. She had the second highest score on the entire game! If she could play three more battles and win, she'd beat the highest scorer and become the ultimate warrior champion!
Nabooru engaged in a fierce (on-line) battle for the high score and a place of honor among the "Killinastuffians"!
Suddenly, the White Knight fell. Nabooru leaped up in joy.
"YES! Only two more battles to go!"
Why had Nabooru gotten so obsessed with a stupid game? It was the last thing she had left in her miserable life. Her most recent boyfriend had left her, and as far as Nabooru was concerned, this was the only thing keeping her from kicking the bucket of worthlessness.
"Yes, that's it..." Nabooru said as she made agreements with the White Knight to take his horse and all his weapons. "As long as I stay online... nothing bad can happen to me! I'm cool... everyone thinks I am... no one knows what a real loser I am! So I'll just stay here in my happy little online RPG forever!"
What the hey? I'll add the rest of the Sages too! Then I'll be done character-wise!
Rauru frowned and clicked "OK".
"Dangit... that horse took me months to get! Stupid Warrior Princess Fianna!"
Rauru, or "White Knight" pushed his chair away from the computer. He sighed and picked up his dirty lunch dishes, wishing to ignore the triumphant music track that Warrior Princes Fianna had sent him to rub in her victory, whoever she was.
Rauru stumbled into the kitchen and put the dishes in the sink with all the others.
"I'm hungry..." Rauru thought as he opened the fridge door.
Suddenly, he saw the note that he had placed on the fridge door earlier that month.
DO NOT EAT! It said.
Rauru tore the note off of the fridge and pulled out an entire ham.
"Mmm... Ham!" he smiled. He tore off a chunk of gristle and chewed it happily.
Then he was suddenly depressed. This was the fifteenth time he had eaten lunch today... He definitely had a problem.
Suddenly, the doorbell of Rauru's extra large deluxe Sacred Realm apartment rang.
"Oh, who is it?" he yelled.
"Uh... I forget!" the voice cried back.
Rauru stomped into the living room and opened the door, sticking another slice of delicious ham into his mouth.
Darunia, the Sage of Fire and one of Rauru's good pals stood there.
"Hiya Rauru... HEEEEEY! HAM!" the Goron said, reaching for the plate.
"Hands off, fatty!" Rauru snapped, pulling the dish away.
"Well look who's talking!" Darunia retorted, stepping in the apartment.
He watched Rauru digging into the ham, and felt a little queasy.
"Um, Rauru, bud?"
"What?" Rauru said. "Can't ya see I'm eating?"
"I think you have a problem!" Darunia said, pointing to Rauru's ever growing gut.
"I don't have a problem!" Rauru said, taking a giant bite out of the ham.
"Yes you do. How many lunches have you had today?"
Rauru stopped to count on his fingers. "Sixteen?"
"SIXTEEN? That's more meals than I eat in an entire day!" Darunia cried.
"Well, I'm hungry!"
"I hate to say it, but you, my friend, have an eating disorder."
"I do not!" Rauru yelled.
"Do too," Darunia said.
"Do not!"
"Then what's that ham doing in your hands?" Darunia retorted, pointing at the giant lump of half eaten pork.
"What ham?" Rauru said innocently, hiding the ham behind his back.
"Huh? Well, I know I saw it a minute ago! You need to stop! You're killing yourself!" Darunia said.
"I am not!" Rauru yelled. "You think you can walk into my house and start telling me how and how not to live?"
"I'm just worried about you!" Darunia said.
"Well don't be. Now if you don't mind, Bessie and I have a date to finish!" Rauru said, pushing Darunia out the door.
"Who's Bessie?" Darunia asked.
"Bessie is the ham," Rauru explained, grabbing the door handle.
"Oh, OK. Wait, you said..."
Rauru slammed the door.
Darunia frowned and began contemplating the existence of the ham, when he felt something in his hands.
He looked down to see a gold pocket watch, a 3,000 Rupee Armani suit, and Rauru's complete collection of Nancy Drew novels.
"AW MAN!" he cried.
Darunia sighed. What was he doing over at Rauru's house telling Rauru about his problems, when he had a problem of his own?
A severe case of kleptomania.
Darunia looked down at the stuff he had stolen and shrugged. He'd sell it at the pawn shop later.
The Goron king shook his head sadly. He wished so hard that he could get rid of this crazy problem of his!
"I'm so depressed..." Darunia said sadly. "I know! There's one person I can always talk to when I'm depressed! I'll go visit Saria!"
The Great Sage of Fire held up his hands and vanished, headed for the Kokiri Forest.
Seconds later, Darunia appeared in the forest. All the Kokiri kids screamed in fear and ran.
Darunia shrugged and waved to Link, who was out on the porch of his house talking on the phone and looking depressed.
He was just in sight of Saria's house when a strange looking person came out of it. She was about the size of a Kokiri, with black hair, a black leather jacket, and a black beret with matching sunglasses.
"Who are you?" Darunia asked.
"Does it matter who I am, as long as I just AM?" the girl replied drably.
"SARIA?" Darunia cried.
"Saria... it's a happy name... but why am I so sad?" Saria said, taking a sip of a Starbucks Frappeccino she had bought earlier.
"Why are you drinking coffee and reciting bad poetry?" Darunia asked, more confused than ever.
Saria removed her black sunglasses and stared at him. "Isn't it obvious? I just realized... I'm going to be a child forever! Does that suck or what?"
"Actually, that's pretty cool!" Darunia said, frowning.
"That's not it... So, I'm going to be a beatnik from now on. Playing bongo drums, drinking coffee, and reciting poetry."
Darunia scratched his head. "Well, OK... See ya,"
Darunia walked away, and took a sip of Saria's Frappeccino.
"Oops! I did it again!" he said.
Meanwhile, next door, Link was getting a phone call from Zelda.
"Hello?" he said cautiously.
"It's me, Link. Zelda."
"ZELDAAAA!" Link cried. "I'm afraid you two are going to kill each other!"
"Oh, don't be ridiculous! Mal and I, we're like this!" Zelda laughed.
"Uh, yeah..." he said.
"Well, why don't you come over tonight for dinner?" Zelda said casually.
"WHAT? NO!" Link cried. "I'm not dating either of you, and I don't want Malon getting upset at me!"
"Oh Link! It's not a date! It's just dinner!" Zelda laughed. "But you might want to dress up anyway!"
Link scratched his head. "Well... OK. But just make sure that Malon doesn't know anything about it!"
But Malon DID know about it, because the seemingly simple ranch girl was actually a crack phone line tapper.
"SO! That big dumb blonde is going to try and seduce my Linky over dinner? NO WAY!" Malon cried, throwing off her headset.
She dug through her dresser drawers and found her favorite dress. She put it on.
"If he picks her over me, I SWEAR! I will DIE! I will fall over DEAD!" she wailed, putting on some perfume. "The war is on, Zelda! We'll see who gets to Link first!"
Zelda, at that minute, was also putting on her favorite dress and perfume. "HA! That stupid Malon thinks she's got me beat! Well NO WAY! I'm the rich one, so he'll obviously prefer me to that ragtag moron! And after tonight... he'll propose to me on the spot! Oh Zelda, you're such a genius!"
Impa ran into the room. "You called, Zelda?"
"Um, yeah. Could you make sure that my best slip is ironed? Link is coming over for dinner!"
"Of course," Impa said. "But this is it. I left Ganondorf in my room three hours ago, and you keep calling me. I need to talk to him and tell him something important, so this is the last favor, all right?"
"OK Impa!" Zelda said, brushing her hair as her nanny ducked out of the room.
Meanwhile, back in Impa's room, Ganondorf was still standing in the bathroom.
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water...
"Boy, Impa sure is taking a long time!" Ganondorf thought.
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water.
"This may be the last time I ever see her..." he thought.
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water.
"I swear on my honor! If my beloved Impa must die and give the aliens her brain, then I shall die too!"
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water...
In Gerudo Valley, Nabooru had taken a bathroom break. She washed her hands and raced back to the computer. She had beaten one more miserable opponent since the White Knight... only one more battle to win and she'd take the score list!
Suddenly, a box popped up and screen.
ULTIMATE NINJA WANTS TO BATTLE WARRIOR PRINCESS FIANNA!
Nabooru accepted immediately.
"One more battle! One more win! And then..."
Rauru wiped his greasy hands on his long sleeves. French fries always made such a mess!
The Sage of Light stood up and yawned. He had just finished his third dinner. Only four more to go until SNACKTIME!
He stumbled into the kitchen and opened up the door to the fridge. Now what was there?
The ham had been good... after that he'd started dinner with a whole roast chicken and mashed potatoes, then a shrimp cocktail and wine. Now, after a hearty meal of McDonald's he'd decided to eat again.
Rauru found a huge steak in the fridge.
He tossed it in the microwave and pressed nuke.
"Mmm... steak is good..." he said. Then he saw the remnants of the note on the floor.
"What was that Darunia said before he left?" Rauru pondered. "Oh yeah. 'You have to stop! You're going to kill yourself!'"
What does he know, Rauru thought. Just a stupid Goron...
The microwave door swung open and Rauru pulled out the steak. He did notice a small cramp in his left arm when he lifted it to his mouth.
"Strange," he thought, and then he took a bite out of the steak.
Suddenly, he felt a squeezing in his chest.
"AAAGGGH!" he yelped, and he dropped the steak.
Rauru tried to grab the phone, but his fingers were too greasy to hold it. He fell over onto the ground and stared up at the ceiling.
"Darunia! Why didn't I listen to you?" he shouted...
Rauru... ate way too much grease.
Now we hope he rests in peace.
Darunia tucked the sticks and nuts he had stolen from the Kokiri kids into his pocket and went back towards Saria's house.
"WHY CAN'T I STOP?" he cried, banging his head with his fist.
He walked into Saria's house to find that she was on the floor, playing her bongo drum and singing a terrible song.
"How are you, Saria?" he asked.
"Good, considering that my existence is hopeless!" she said solemnly.
"Hmm..." Darunia said, not really listening. He looked around Saria's house. It looked very different since he had last seen it.
Look at all the tempting things to steal!
He passed over all the models and things... but one particular model caught his eye.
"Hey Saria, what's this?" he asked, pointing to what looked like a huge silver bullet.
"It's my model of an active nuclear warhead. Don't touch," she snapped.
He stared at the warhead and saw a potential for a lot of money at the pawnshop!
"So I can't pick it up?" he asked.
"Of course not, it'll explode!" she sighed.
Darunia stepped away. He couldn't steal that!
Come on Darunia... You can't steal that, he thought.
But it became too tempting for him.
He leaped forwards towards the model and...
KABOOOOOM!
Saria, Saria, a wonderful friend
Your model collection ended up your end
Darunia Goron, he couldn't stop stealing
That atom bomb model jut looked too appealing
Link raced outside in his tux and saw the smoldering ruins of Saria's house.
"Oh my Goddess!" he cried.
But he didn't go see if she was OK, he had a date!
He quietly walked out of the forest and called his horse, Epona on his ocarina.
The ruddy brown mare raced up and he got on her.
But he didn't notice the tracking collar that Malon had slipped onto Epona's neck!
As Link rode towards Hyrule Castle, he also didn't see Malon racing off towards the castle ahead of him on another horse.
Malon's plan was perfect!
She stopped her horse in front of the castle and hid in the bushes to wait for her beloved.
The full moon was high, and for some strange reason, the smell of shrapnel was in the air.
Malon gasped in awe when she saw Link park his horse next to hers and run up to the castle gate.
She took this as her chance.
"LINK!" she yelled.
The Hero of Time leaped up and spun around. "MALON! You scared me! What are you doing here?"
"I was about to ask you the same question!" she snapped.
"Oh, Zelda invited me to dinner!" he said.
Malon frowned and stared coldly at him. "What? I thought you said you didn't like her like that!"
"I don't. It's just dinner, calm down!" Link explained.
"Well... if it's not a date, then you won't mind taking me in with you!" she said smugly.
"WHAT? But Malon, you weren't invited!"
"So what? Say I'm a guest!" she said.
Link shrugged and gestured towards the drawbridge. "Please walk this way," he grumbled.
"Thank you!" she said.
Inside the castle, Zelda waited near the door in anticipation.
Impa also stood there. "Zelda, I really need to go back to Ganondorf now!"
"Just a minute Impa!" Zelda said. "Jeez, it's not like you two have a time limit!"
"Yes I do," Impa said. "Tomorrow, aliens are coming to Hyrule to kidnap me and take my brain away. They'll also kill Ganondorf,"
"Who told you THAT?" Zelda cried.
"It came in a dream!" Impa said, dismayed at her charge's skepticism.
"Uh... oops... Impa, I was practicing channeling the other night, and I think I may have made you dream that!" Zelda said sheepishly.
"YOU WHAT?" Impa yelled. "Zelda, you know that Sheikah are vulnerable to weird dreams! Why don't you practice somewhere else?"
Zelda shrugged, and Impa raced off through the castle to warn her dear sweet beloved.
At that second, the doorbell rang. Zelda flung the door open and gasped to see Link!
...And Malon.
"Oh hi Link!" Zelda grinned. "Huh? What is SHE doing here?"
"Link invited me, as if it's any of your business!" Malon cried.
"Ladies, could we continue this in the dining room?" Link begged.
Nabooru clicked a button furiously. Her palms were sweaty, and her health was fading. The Ultimate Ninja was the fiercest opponent she had ever fought!
Warrior Princess Fianna fired a few shots of magic and the Ultimate Ninja flew back a few feet. It would take one more hit to kill him! It was also one more hit until she died...
Nabooru began charging up a magic attack so powerful, it would kill the Ultimate Ninja immediately.
Suddenly, the Ultimate Ninja tossed a throwing star at her, and it hit her character. The screen turned red, and two awful words flashed across it...
GAME OVER!
Nabooru's jaw dropped. SHE LOST? SHE LOST? HOW COULD SHE LOSE?
Nabooru screamed and threw her computer off of the desk. SHE WAS SO CLOSE!
"I can't take it anymore!" she cried. "I... I had everything going!"
She flung the door of her apartment open and raced out of the fortress. The other Gerudos stared at her as she pushed past them.
Nabooru ran until she reached the bridge over the valley.
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!" she screamed, and she let herself topple down the cliff.
An RPG took your life at that
Sweet Nabooru went and went KERSPLAT!
In the dining room of the castle, Malon and Zelda were staring evilly at each other, and Link was trying to ignore them as he ate his dinner.
Suddenly, Zelda lost it. "THAT'S IT! GET OUT OF MY CASTLE!"
"What did I do?" Malon screamed, leaping up from her chair.
"You came uninvited and now you're behaving like a barbarian at the table!" Zelda yelled.
"You're just jealous cause you're not the one Link loves!" Malon cried.
"Of course he loves me!" Zelda screamed. "A lot more than he loves you!"
"LADIES! PLEASE!" Link cried.
"You love me more, right Link?" Malon cried.
"NO! You love me!" Zelda screamed.
"Uh, well..."
Suddenly, the window shattered and Ruto, dressed in her camo outfit, screamed and pulled out a throwing knife.
"YOU'RE BOTH WRONG! HE LOVES ME!" Ruto shrieked.
"Ruto?" Zelda cried. "What are you doing here?"
"YOU WENCH! TRYING TO MARRY MY FIANCE!" Ruto screamed. "TAKE THIS!"
She tossed the throwing knife hard, and it slapped Zelda in the stomach.
She let out a cry of pain and dropped to the floor.
Zelda, Zelda, Princess fair
You're gone like the sheen in your blonde hair!
Link poked her with his boot. "RUTO YOU PSYCHO! What was that all about?"
"I know your secret! You were going to marry her!" she screamed.
"No I wasn't! And even if I was, I'm not going to anymore!"
Ruto looked shocked. "But Malon told me..."
Link stared at Malon and she gasped. "But Link, I just..."
Ruto shrieked again and pulled out a pistol. She squeezed the trigger and...
Exit Malon...
Malon, red haired beauty young
You should know when to hold your tongue!
Link stared in shock at the bodies of Malon and Zelda at his feet. "You have problems, you know that Ruto?"
Ruto ran to him and gave him a great hug. "Now there's no one in my way to get to you!"
Link pushed her away. "You freak! I'd never marry you! You're a psycho and a maniac and a serial killer now! There's no way in heck I'd ever marry you!"
Ruto gasped and stepped back. "You... you hate me?"
"WELL DUUUUUUUH!"
She stared at him. Then, she pulled a rope out of her purse.
"THIS IS IT! THE END IS NEAR!" she shrieked.
Ruto took a step towards her beloved, and he took a step back.
"Please forgive me, Link..." she wailed.
"Ruto, what are you... Oh no! Ruto, I didn't mean it! Please! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A player, Link, some said ye be
But now, you're only R.I.P.
Minutes later, Ruto stood up.
She stared at her handiwork. Zelda, her white dress slowly turning red. Malon, looking normal but for a small hole in her chest.
And Link... with a rope around his neck.
Ruto was terrified. What had she done?
She picked the pistol up off the ground.
"I really needed those rage management classes a while back..." she said quietly.
"I'm sorry, Link..."
Ruto, psycho fishy gal
Your guilt killed you, Zel, Link and Mal
Impa ignored the loud commotion from upstairs and raced to her room. She hoped Ganondorf hadn't done what she thought he would do yet!
She reached her room just in time.
Ganondorf had dropped the hair dryer in the tub, and stood next to it, holding his nose and preparing to jump.
"GANON, WAIT!" Impa cried.
"I cannot live without you, my love!" he said.
"No, I was mistaken! The aliens aren't coming to get me!" she explained.
"Really? That's great news!" Ganondorf grinned.
He stepped forward to embrace his fiancée, slipped on a puddle of water, and tumbled headfirst into the bathtub.
"Ganondorf!" Impa screamed.
BLZZZZZZZZZT!
Oh Ganondorf! You acted too soon!
Left your love to live her life in gloom!
Impa stared in shock at the gruesome scene before her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Impa ran forward. She dared not look her former fiancé in the face...
There was only one thing to do!
Impa sighed.
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!"
BLZZZZZZZT!
Impa, sweet young Sheikah bride
Threw away your life and pride!
YUCK! What an awful ending! I have to fix that!
And then, the Triforce felt a disappearance of all powerful forces from the land. The Hero of Time, all seven Sages, the Evil King, and even a lowly ranch girl had all died on the same day.
"Well THAT bites the big one!" Din said.
"Really. How depressing!" Nayru sighed.
"Why don't we help them?" Farore suggested.
And then they all came back to life and stayed happy forever.
THE END!
And that's the end of this tragic tale
Depressing and angsty, it didn't fail
To send a drop of tears
Or even make you groan and sigh?
That's what happens when GG writes dark
And this one really missed the mark
So I think that I'd
Better stick with humor from now on!
By Galaxy Girl
This is what happens when a usually happy-go-lucky-crazy-humor fic author tries to write angst. You get one crazy, ultra depressing Zelda fic where nothing worse can happen! I'd like to thank Chica and Cerena Montanyu for inspiring me to write darkly. OK... here goes...
(PS: At the beginning, the words in are my thoughts as I write. And of course, to make it dark, everyone has to die by the end!)
________________________________________________________________________________
OK, let's see... I'm writing dark... Let's see... OK, I need a setting. Hyrule should work pretty good!
It was a pretty ordinary day in Hyrule. At first...
Not bad... Now I need characters. I'll start with adult Link, of course.
Link sighed and flipped channels on his TV set. He had been pretty depressed lately. No new monsters to kill, no worlds to save, and no one had called him on the phone recently. No one, but...
Malon and Zelda are the two people most shipped with Link. I think I'll put them in, for drama
Suddenly, the phone rang.
Link picked up the receiver and answered, "Hello?"
"Hi, Link. It's me, Zelda... How are you?"
"Zelda, will you stop calling me? You know I hate it when you two fight!"
"Oh, you just ignore that sissy little bumpkin, OK sugarlips?"
"Um, Zel? Please don't call me sugar..."
The Call waiting button flashed. Link groaned. "Call waiting, Zelda. Just a minute,"
He pressed the flash button and heard the clucking of chickens in the background.
"Hi Linky! It's me, Malon!"
"Oh, hi Malon. Sorry, but I'm on the other line."
"With who?"
"Uh... Darunia?"
"WRONG!"
"Er... Mido?"
"Mido lives across the street from you. You wouldn't be calling him."
"Fine. It's Zelda."
"ZELDA? That wench! Listen to me, Link! You tell that blonde bimbo to keep her hands off of you, OK? I'M yours!"
"Malon, for the last time, I don't like either of you... Like that."
"Don't lie to me! Don't you dare lie to me!"
"Sorry Mal, gotta go."
Click.
Malon screamed in rage and threw her receiver against the wall. The wall creaked and smashed in a small dent.
Wow, Malon thought, I didn't know I had such an arm!
"That man! I just don't get him!" Malon cried, flopping down onto her bed.
Malon sighed and stared up at the ceiling. She was positive that her beloved Link and her belonged together... after all, she HAD given him her favorite horse! What had that brat Zelda ever done for him?
The red haired ranch girl smiled and gazed at the picture of Link she had tacked to the wall near her bed, and right next to the dent in the wall from the last time she had called Link.
"No matter what he says, I know he knows the truth! I'm the one for him!"
Talon opened the door carrying a tray of soup and fresh milk for his daughter. "Malon, lunch..."
He stared at the phone on the floor and the dent in the wall.
"Darnit Malon! That's the third time this week! I can't afford to keep buying drywall for your room when you throw your little hissy fits!"
At Hyrule Castle, Zelda waited patiently for Link to click back over to her line. She twisted the cord around her finger and waited.
Then, she heard a familiar voice speaking the message that drove rage into her blood.
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial your operator!"
"Shoot! He hung up on me again!" she screamed, tossing her phone against the wall.
The phone shattered.
"Oops... brick wall. I forgot!" she said.
Zelda snapped her fingers. "IMPAAAAAA!"
Impa has to be in here of course
Impa raced into the room, looking pale and tragic as usual. "Yes, Zelda. What is it?"
"I broke the phone again!" she said, pointing to the bits of plastic shrapnel on the floor.
Impa sighed and snapped her fingers. A maid ran into the room and swept up the phone, or what was left of it.
Then, a butler rushed in, holding a brand new cordless phone on a silk pillow.
"Thank you Impa!" Zelda said.
"You're welcome," Impa said, sighing sadly.
"What is it? Is it the phone?" Zelda asked worriedly.
"No, something else. Never mind. Enjoy your new phone," Impa said, sweeping a bow. Then she quickly left the room.
Zelda laughed and pulled up the antenna of the cordless. She was glad that Impa hadn't told her. As if she cared what was wring with Impa!
She dialed up Link's number.
"If Link won't call me, I'll call him!" she cried. He would hear what she had to say, no matter how many times he hung up!
Back downstairs in the castle, Impa was walking sadly through the many passages of the palace. Then, the doorbell rang.
"SOMEONE GET THAT!" she screamed.
A few minutes later, she heard a servant call. "Impa, it's for you!"
Impa grinned and raced to the door. "That can only be one person!"
I'm like the biggest Ganon/Impa shipper there is, so I'll have to put good old Ganon-chan in here
Impa opened up the door. Her beloved fiancé Ganondorf Dragmire stood there, holding a bouquet of roses.
"Come-a courtin'!" he said, handing her the roses.
"Oh, hello my dear sweet beloved!" Impa said. Suddenly, her tone dropped to a sad moan. "There's something I have to tell you!"
Ganondorf frowned. "What is it?"
"Come to my bedroom," Impa said quietly. "It's very important!"
The two rushed upstairs to Impa's modest bedroom. She took a seat on the bed and held her fiancé's hand.
"By dear Ganon-chan... I... I have to leave tomorrow!"
"Leave? Where?" he asked urgently.
"Far away from Hyrule... I must..." she said sadly.
"But WHY?" Ganondorf cried.
"It's... aliens..."
"Aliens?" he echoed.
"They're coming here... to take my brain away for further study of Hylians..." Impa said, burying her face in her hands.
"No!" Ganondorf cried, leaping up off the bed. "Our wedding is in a month! They cannot have you!"
"I had a dream..." Impa said. "In the dream, you tried to protect me from little green men, and then they killed you with a big evil alien blasto-ray thingy!"
"NOT... A BIG EVIL ALIEN BLASTO-RAY THINGY!" Ganondorf yelled.
"I must leave, and you must stay!" Impa said. "The aliens will get me if I don't!"
"I won't let them!" Ganondorf said, a little more soothingly. "It takes more than an alien blasto ray to scare Ganondorf Dragmire!"
"You musn't make them angry!" Impa cried. "I... I want you to stay alive and remember me if they do get me!"
"No! I can't leave you!" he wailed.
"I called you here today to say... to say that..."
Suddenly, the servant's bell rang and a shrill voice screamed, "IMPAAAAA! I BROKE THE PHONE AGAIN!"
Impa sighed and stood. "I'll be right back... I have to go help Zelda," she said.
"I'll stay right here and wait for you!" Ganondorf said triumphantly.
"Thank you, my love..." Impa said sadly. Then, she rushed out the door.
Ganondorf gasped as soon as he was sure Impa was out of hearing range.
Aliens! How could they do this to him!
He was sure that he couldn't live if his dear sweet beloved Impa was gone... either dead or just gone!
He couldn't live with himself if he let his fiancée get abducted by space crap!
Ganondorf sighed and made his way into Impa's private bathroom. He stared in the mirror and thought.
"I hate myself... I'd hate myself if she were gone! She is what makes me me!" he said surely.
"If Impa dies... I have to die!"
Suddenly, Ganondorf noticed a hair dryer that Impa had left inconspicuously plugged into a wall socket above the toilet.
Then he noticed a bathtub full of warm water next to the toilet.
He stared at the hair dryer. Then at the bathtub. Then at the hair dryer. Then at the bathtub. Dryer. Water. Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water...
Ganondorf stared back and forth...
It wouldn't be a dramatic angst fic without Ruto, of course. So, let's put Ruto in here...
Ruto screamed in rage and thrashed around her room. She threw an antique Gill-A-Zoran era lamp against the wall. She shoved all of the papers off of the desk. She turned out all the drawers and smashed every breakable thing she could see.
MARRIED? HOW COULD HE BE GETTING MARRIED?
Malon had called to tell her! To tell her that ZELDA and LINK, her beloved fiancé were getting MARRIED!
And though Ruto frankly didn't like Malon and wondered where she had gotten her phone number, she knew Malon had no reason to lie!
Ruto tore apart her dresser, tossing all her fancy party dresses on the floor. They were smeared with dirt when she picked them up to tear them.
"So what? HE'LL never see me in them!" she wailed, ripping them to shreds.
He had to pay! He had to pay! He would pay for breaking her heart!
Ruto threw open a cabinet on the far side of her room and gasped at what she saw.
It was her collection of deadly weapons and randomly pointy sharp things.
She lifted a butcher knife. It gleamed in the dimly lit tunnel where her room was.
Zelda would pay for what she did to Ruto! She would pay with her nose!
Ooooh, how Ruto HATED that nose of hers! Zelda's nose was so small and cute... while Ruto had such a small nose, it was almost invisible!
Ruto knew that if she had a cute nose like Zelda, Link would be madly in love with her!
Ruto pulled a belt out of the cabinet and fastened it around her waist. She hooked three sharp knives and a rapid fire machine gun to the belt. She packed 12 Chinese throwing stars in her purse, and wrapped a large camo bandana around her large blue head. She painted two black cat lines on her face, and removed the makeup that covered the ZORA SPECIAL FORCES army tattoo on her right arm.
Ruto walked calmly through the throne room. Her father, King Zora stopped her.
"Ruto! Where do you think you're going?"
"Oh, I'm going... I'm going to get my revenge on Princess Zelda!" she said coolly.
"Oh, OK! Have fun sweetie! Be back by four, OK?" King Zora said.
"OK! Bye Daddy!" Ruto said, winking and looking her sweetest.
Let's see now... I like Nabooru, so she'll be in here too
Nabooru took a sip of her coffee and rubbed her bloodshot eyes. She had been awake for almost a week straight. But she just couldn't sleep... Who knew what would happen if she was asleep?
A message box popped up onscreen.
"White Knight challenges Warrior Princess Fianna to a battle!"
"Oh, so ya wanna be cheeky with me, huh?" Nabooru laughed to no one in particular.
She pressed a few buttons.
For the last week and a half, Nabooru had been involved with an online RPG called "Killinastuff". Her character, Warrior Princess Fianna, was undefeated in her last 492 battles. She had the second highest score on the entire game! If she could play three more battles and win, she'd beat the highest scorer and become the ultimate warrior champion!
Nabooru engaged in a fierce (on-line) battle for the high score and a place of honor among the "Killinastuffians"!
Suddenly, the White Knight fell. Nabooru leaped up in joy.
"YES! Only two more battles to go!"
Why had Nabooru gotten so obsessed with a stupid game? It was the last thing she had left in her miserable life. Her most recent boyfriend had left her, and as far as Nabooru was concerned, this was the only thing keeping her from kicking the bucket of worthlessness.
"Yes, that's it..." Nabooru said as she made agreements with the White Knight to take his horse and all his weapons. "As long as I stay online... nothing bad can happen to me! I'm cool... everyone thinks I am... no one knows what a real loser I am! So I'll just stay here in my happy little online RPG forever!"
What the hey? I'll add the rest of the Sages too! Then I'll be done character-wise!
Rauru frowned and clicked "OK".
"Dangit... that horse took me months to get! Stupid Warrior Princess Fianna!"
Rauru, or "White Knight" pushed his chair away from the computer. He sighed and picked up his dirty lunch dishes, wishing to ignore the triumphant music track that Warrior Princes Fianna had sent him to rub in her victory, whoever she was.
Rauru stumbled into the kitchen and put the dishes in the sink with all the others.
"I'm hungry..." Rauru thought as he opened the fridge door.
Suddenly, he saw the note that he had placed on the fridge door earlier that month.
DO NOT EAT! It said.
Rauru tore the note off of the fridge and pulled out an entire ham.
"Mmm... Ham!" he smiled. He tore off a chunk of gristle and chewed it happily.
Then he was suddenly depressed. This was the fifteenth time he had eaten lunch today... He definitely had a problem.
Suddenly, the doorbell of Rauru's extra large deluxe Sacred Realm apartment rang.
"Oh, who is it?" he yelled.
"Uh... I forget!" the voice cried back.
Rauru stomped into the living room and opened the door, sticking another slice of delicious ham into his mouth.
Darunia, the Sage of Fire and one of Rauru's good pals stood there.
"Hiya Rauru... HEEEEEY! HAM!" the Goron said, reaching for the plate.
"Hands off, fatty!" Rauru snapped, pulling the dish away.
"Well look who's talking!" Darunia retorted, stepping in the apartment.
He watched Rauru digging into the ham, and felt a little queasy.
"Um, Rauru, bud?"
"What?" Rauru said. "Can't ya see I'm eating?"
"I think you have a problem!" Darunia said, pointing to Rauru's ever growing gut.
"I don't have a problem!" Rauru said, taking a giant bite out of the ham.
"Yes you do. How many lunches have you had today?"
Rauru stopped to count on his fingers. "Sixteen?"
"SIXTEEN? That's more meals than I eat in an entire day!" Darunia cried.
"Well, I'm hungry!"
"I hate to say it, but you, my friend, have an eating disorder."
"I do not!" Rauru yelled.
"Do too," Darunia said.
"Do not!"
"Then what's that ham doing in your hands?" Darunia retorted, pointing at the giant lump of half eaten pork.
"What ham?" Rauru said innocently, hiding the ham behind his back.
"Huh? Well, I know I saw it a minute ago! You need to stop! You're killing yourself!" Darunia said.
"I am not!" Rauru yelled. "You think you can walk into my house and start telling me how and how not to live?"
"I'm just worried about you!" Darunia said.
"Well don't be. Now if you don't mind, Bessie and I have a date to finish!" Rauru said, pushing Darunia out the door.
"Who's Bessie?" Darunia asked.
"Bessie is the ham," Rauru explained, grabbing the door handle.
"Oh, OK. Wait, you said..."
Rauru slammed the door.
Darunia frowned and began contemplating the existence of the ham, when he felt something in his hands.
He looked down to see a gold pocket watch, a 3,000 Rupee Armani suit, and Rauru's complete collection of Nancy Drew novels.
"AW MAN!" he cried.
Darunia sighed. What was he doing over at Rauru's house telling Rauru about his problems, when he had a problem of his own?
A severe case of kleptomania.
Darunia looked down at the stuff he had stolen and shrugged. He'd sell it at the pawn shop later.
The Goron king shook his head sadly. He wished so hard that he could get rid of this crazy problem of his!
"I'm so depressed..." Darunia said sadly. "I know! There's one person I can always talk to when I'm depressed! I'll go visit Saria!"
The Great Sage of Fire held up his hands and vanished, headed for the Kokiri Forest.
Seconds later, Darunia appeared in the forest. All the Kokiri kids screamed in fear and ran.
Darunia shrugged and waved to Link, who was out on the porch of his house talking on the phone and looking depressed.
He was just in sight of Saria's house when a strange looking person came out of it. She was about the size of a Kokiri, with black hair, a black leather jacket, and a black beret with matching sunglasses.
"Who are you?" Darunia asked.
"Does it matter who I am, as long as I just AM?" the girl replied drably.
"SARIA?" Darunia cried.
"Saria... it's a happy name... but why am I so sad?" Saria said, taking a sip of a Starbucks Frappeccino she had bought earlier.
"Why are you drinking coffee and reciting bad poetry?" Darunia asked, more confused than ever.
Saria removed her black sunglasses and stared at him. "Isn't it obvious? I just realized... I'm going to be a child forever! Does that suck or what?"
"Actually, that's pretty cool!" Darunia said, frowning.
"That's not it... So, I'm going to be a beatnik from now on. Playing bongo drums, drinking coffee, and reciting poetry."
Darunia scratched his head. "Well, OK... See ya,"
Darunia walked away, and took a sip of Saria's Frappeccino.
"Oops! I did it again!" he said.
Meanwhile, next door, Link was getting a phone call from Zelda.
"Hello?" he said cautiously.
"It's me, Link. Zelda."
"ZELDAAAA!" Link cried. "I'm afraid you two are going to kill each other!"
"Oh, don't be ridiculous! Mal and I, we're like this!" Zelda laughed.
"Uh, yeah..." he said.
"Well, why don't you come over tonight for dinner?" Zelda said casually.
"WHAT? NO!" Link cried. "I'm not dating either of you, and I don't want Malon getting upset at me!"
"Oh Link! It's not a date! It's just dinner!" Zelda laughed. "But you might want to dress up anyway!"
Link scratched his head. "Well... OK. But just make sure that Malon doesn't know anything about it!"
But Malon DID know about it, because the seemingly simple ranch girl was actually a crack phone line tapper.
"SO! That big dumb blonde is going to try and seduce my Linky over dinner? NO WAY!" Malon cried, throwing off her headset.
She dug through her dresser drawers and found her favorite dress. She put it on.
"If he picks her over me, I SWEAR! I will DIE! I will fall over DEAD!" she wailed, putting on some perfume. "The war is on, Zelda! We'll see who gets to Link first!"
Zelda, at that minute, was also putting on her favorite dress and perfume. "HA! That stupid Malon thinks she's got me beat! Well NO WAY! I'm the rich one, so he'll obviously prefer me to that ragtag moron! And after tonight... he'll propose to me on the spot! Oh Zelda, you're such a genius!"
Impa ran into the room. "You called, Zelda?"
"Um, yeah. Could you make sure that my best slip is ironed? Link is coming over for dinner!"
"Of course," Impa said. "But this is it. I left Ganondorf in my room three hours ago, and you keep calling me. I need to talk to him and tell him something important, so this is the last favor, all right?"
"OK Impa!" Zelda said, brushing her hair as her nanny ducked out of the room.
Meanwhile, back in Impa's room, Ganondorf was still standing in the bathroom.
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water...
"Boy, Impa sure is taking a long time!" Ganondorf thought.
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water.
"This may be the last time I ever see her..." he thought.
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water.
"I swear on my honor! If my beloved Impa must die and give the aliens her brain, then I shall die too!"
Electricity. Water. Electricity. Water...
In Gerudo Valley, Nabooru had taken a bathroom break. She washed her hands and raced back to the computer. She had beaten one more miserable opponent since the White Knight... only one more battle to win and she'd take the score list!
Suddenly, a box popped up and screen.
ULTIMATE NINJA WANTS TO BATTLE WARRIOR PRINCESS FIANNA!
Nabooru accepted immediately.
"One more battle! One more win! And then..."
Rauru wiped his greasy hands on his long sleeves. French fries always made such a mess!
The Sage of Light stood up and yawned. He had just finished his third dinner. Only four more to go until SNACKTIME!
He stumbled into the kitchen and opened up the door to the fridge. Now what was there?
The ham had been good... after that he'd started dinner with a whole roast chicken and mashed potatoes, then a shrimp cocktail and wine. Now, after a hearty meal of McDonald's he'd decided to eat again.
Rauru found a huge steak in the fridge.
He tossed it in the microwave and pressed nuke.
"Mmm... steak is good..." he said. Then he saw the remnants of the note on the floor.
"What was that Darunia said before he left?" Rauru pondered. "Oh yeah. 'You have to stop! You're going to kill yourself!'"
What does he know, Rauru thought. Just a stupid Goron...
The microwave door swung open and Rauru pulled out the steak. He did notice a small cramp in his left arm when he lifted it to his mouth.
"Strange," he thought, and then he took a bite out of the steak.
Suddenly, he felt a squeezing in his chest.
"AAAGGGH!" he yelped, and he dropped the steak.
Rauru tried to grab the phone, but his fingers were too greasy to hold it. He fell over onto the ground and stared up at the ceiling.
"Darunia! Why didn't I listen to you?" he shouted...
Rauru... ate way too much grease.
Now we hope he rests in peace.
Darunia tucked the sticks and nuts he had stolen from the Kokiri kids into his pocket and went back towards Saria's house.
"WHY CAN'T I STOP?" he cried, banging his head with his fist.
He walked into Saria's house to find that she was on the floor, playing her bongo drum and singing a terrible song.
"How are you, Saria?" he asked.
"Good, considering that my existence is hopeless!" she said solemnly.
"Hmm..." Darunia said, not really listening. He looked around Saria's house. It looked very different since he had last seen it.
Look at all the tempting things to steal!
He passed over all the models and things... but one particular model caught his eye.
"Hey Saria, what's this?" he asked, pointing to what looked like a huge silver bullet.
"It's my model of an active nuclear warhead. Don't touch," she snapped.
He stared at the warhead and saw a potential for a lot of money at the pawnshop!
"So I can't pick it up?" he asked.
"Of course not, it'll explode!" she sighed.
Darunia stepped away. He couldn't steal that!
Come on Darunia... You can't steal that, he thought.
But it became too tempting for him.
He leaped forwards towards the model and...
KABOOOOOM!
Saria, Saria, a wonderful friend
Your model collection ended up your end
Darunia Goron, he couldn't stop stealing
That atom bomb model jut looked too appealing
Link raced outside in his tux and saw the smoldering ruins of Saria's house.
"Oh my Goddess!" he cried.
But he didn't go see if she was OK, he had a date!
He quietly walked out of the forest and called his horse, Epona on his ocarina.
The ruddy brown mare raced up and he got on her.
But he didn't notice the tracking collar that Malon had slipped onto Epona's neck!
As Link rode towards Hyrule Castle, he also didn't see Malon racing off towards the castle ahead of him on another horse.
Malon's plan was perfect!
She stopped her horse in front of the castle and hid in the bushes to wait for her beloved.
The full moon was high, and for some strange reason, the smell of shrapnel was in the air.
Malon gasped in awe when she saw Link park his horse next to hers and run up to the castle gate.
She took this as her chance.
"LINK!" she yelled.
The Hero of Time leaped up and spun around. "MALON! You scared me! What are you doing here?"
"I was about to ask you the same question!" she snapped.
"Oh, Zelda invited me to dinner!" he said.
Malon frowned and stared coldly at him. "What? I thought you said you didn't like her like that!"
"I don't. It's just dinner, calm down!" Link explained.
"Well... if it's not a date, then you won't mind taking me in with you!" she said smugly.
"WHAT? But Malon, you weren't invited!"
"So what? Say I'm a guest!" she said.
Link shrugged and gestured towards the drawbridge. "Please walk this way," he grumbled.
"Thank you!" she said.
Inside the castle, Zelda waited near the door in anticipation.
Impa also stood there. "Zelda, I really need to go back to Ganondorf now!"
"Just a minute Impa!" Zelda said. "Jeez, it's not like you two have a time limit!"
"Yes I do," Impa said. "Tomorrow, aliens are coming to Hyrule to kidnap me and take my brain away. They'll also kill Ganondorf,"
"Who told you THAT?" Zelda cried.
"It came in a dream!" Impa said, dismayed at her charge's skepticism.
"Uh... oops... Impa, I was practicing channeling the other night, and I think I may have made you dream that!" Zelda said sheepishly.
"YOU WHAT?" Impa yelled. "Zelda, you know that Sheikah are vulnerable to weird dreams! Why don't you practice somewhere else?"
Zelda shrugged, and Impa raced off through the castle to warn her dear sweet beloved.
At that second, the doorbell rang. Zelda flung the door open and gasped to see Link!
...And Malon.
"Oh hi Link!" Zelda grinned. "Huh? What is SHE doing here?"
"Link invited me, as if it's any of your business!" Malon cried.
"Ladies, could we continue this in the dining room?" Link begged.
Nabooru clicked a button furiously. Her palms were sweaty, and her health was fading. The Ultimate Ninja was the fiercest opponent she had ever fought!
Warrior Princess Fianna fired a few shots of magic and the Ultimate Ninja flew back a few feet. It would take one more hit to kill him! It was also one more hit until she died...
Nabooru began charging up a magic attack so powerful, it would kill the Ultimate Ninja immediately.
Suddenly, the Ultimate Ninja tossed a throwing star at her, and it hit her character. The screen turned red, and two awful words flashed across it...
GAME OVER!
Nabooru's jaw dropped. SHE LOST? SHE LOST? HOW COULD SHE LOSE?
Nabooru screamed and threw her computer off of the desk. SHE WAS SO CLOSE!
"I can't take it anymore!" she cried. "I... I had everything going!"
She flung the door of her apartment open and raced out of the fortress. The other Gerudos stared at her as she pushed past them.
Nabooru ran until she reached the bridge over the valley.
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!" she screamed, and she let herself topple down the cliff.
An RPG took your life at that
Sweet Nabooru went and went KERSPLAT!
In the dining room of the castle, Malon and Zelda were staring evilly at each other, and Link was trying to ignore them as he ate his dinner.
Suddenly, Zelda lost it. "THAT'S IT! GET OUT OF MY CASTLE!"
"What did I do?" Malon screamed, leaping up from her chair.
"You came uninvited and now you're behaving like a barbarian at the table!" Zelda yelled.
"You're just jealous cause you're not the one Link loves!" Malon cried.
"Of course he loves me!" Zelda screamed. "A lot more than he loves you!"
"LADIES! PLEASE!" Link cried.
"You love me more, right Link?" Malon cried.
"NO! You love me!" Zelda screamed.
"Uh, well..."
Suddenly, the window shattered and Ruto, dressed in her camo outfit, screamed and pulled out a throwing knife.
"YOU'RE BOTH WRONG! HE LOVES ME!" Ruto shrieked.
"Ruto?" Zelda cried. "What are you doing here?"
"YOU WENCH! TRYING TO MARRY MY FIANCE!" Ruto screamed. "TAKE THIS!"
She tossed the throwing knife hard, and it slapped Zelda in the stomach.
She let out a cry of pain and dropped to the floor.
Zelda, Zelda, Princess fair
You're gone like the sheen in your blonde hair!
Link poked her with his boot. "RUTO YOU PSYCHO! What was that all about?"
"I know your secret! You were going to marry her!" she screamed.
"No I wasn't! And even if I was, I'm not going to anymore!"
Ruto looked shocked. "But Malon told me..."
Link stared at Malon and she gasped. "But Link, I just..."
Ruto shrieked again and pulled out a pistol. She squeezed the trigger and...
Exit Malon...
Malon, red haired beauty young
You should know when to hold your tongue!
Link stared in shock at the bodies of Malon and Zelda at his feet. "You have problems, you know that Ruto?"
Ruto ran to him and gave him a great hug. "Now there's no one in my way to get to you!"
Link pushed her away. "You freak! I'd never marry you! You're a psycho and a maniac and a serial killer now! There's no way in heck I'd ever marry you!"
Ruto gasped and stepped back. "You... you hate me?"
"WELL DUUUUUUUH!"
She stared at him. Then, she pulled a rope out of her purse.
"THIS IS IT! THE END IS NEAR!" she shrieked.
Ruto took a step towards her beloved, and he took a step back.
"Please forgive me, Link..." she wailed.
"Ruto, what are you... Oh no! Ruto, I didn't mean it! Please! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A player, Link, some said ye be
But now, you're only R.I.P.
Minutes later, Ruto stood up.
She stared at her handiwork. Zelda, her white dress slowly turning red. Malon, looking normal but for a small hole in her chest.
And Link... with a rope around his neck.
Ruto was terrified. What had she done?
She picked the pistol up off the ground.
"I really needed those rage management classes a while back..." she said quietly.
"I'm sorry, Link..."
Ruto, psycho fishy gal
Your guilt killed you, Zel, Link and Mal
Impa ignored the loud commotion from upstairs and raced to her room. She hoped Ganondorf hadn't done what she thought he would do yet!
She reached her room just in time.
Ganondorf had dropped the hair dryer in the tub, and stood next to it, holding his nose and preparing to jump.
"GANON, WAIT!" Impa cried.
"I cannot live without you, my love!" he said.
"No, I was mistaken! The aliens aren't coming to get me!" she explained.
"Really? That's great news!" Ganondorf grinned.
He stepped forward to embrace his fiancée, slipped on a puddle of water, and tumbled headfirst into the bathtub.
"Ganondorf!" Impa screamed.
BLZZZZZZZZZT!
Oh Ganondorf! You acted too soon!
Left your love to live her life in gloom!
Impa stared in shock at the gruesome scene before her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Impa ran forward. She dared not look her former fiancé in the face...
There was only one thing to do!
Impa sighed.
"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!"
BLZZZZZZZT!
Impa, sweet young Sheikah bride
Threw away your life and pride!
YUCK! What an awful ending! I have to fix that!
And then, the Triforce felt a disappearance of all powerful forces from the land. The Hero of Time, all seven Sages, the Evil King, and even a lowly ranch girl had all died on the same day.
"Well THAT bites the big one!" Din said.
"Really. How depressing!" Nayru sighed.
"Why don't we help them?" Farore suggested.
And then they all came back to life and stayed happy forever.
THE END!
And that's the end of this tragic tale
Depressing and angsty, it didn't fail
To send a drop of tears
Or even make you groan and sigh?
That's what happens when GG writes dark
And this one really missed the mark
So I think that I'd
Better stick with humor from now on!