Title: Jack vs. Jack

Author: shadowcat15

Author's notes: I wrote this just after writing the first story, but it's only just getting published.

"Jack."

snore

"Jack.

snore

"Jack!"

thump

"Ana? What'dya do that for?"

"You wouldn't wake up."

"'Snot a reason to push a man outta bed, love."

"Seemed like a fine enough one to me. But we've got bigger problems than your sore bum."

"What could be more important that me sore bum?"

clatter

"We have visitor, Jack."

"No. No no nononono. I will not let that blasted monkey ruin my ship—I worked too hard to get her!"

"You can't, Jack. He's too much for you. You know he only responds to Elizabeth. The best thing we can do it to wait him out."

"By then he'll have the Pearl in tatters. There he is!"

"…He's got one of Elizabeth's parasols. And one of Will's fancy hats. I think I'm insulted he didn't visit us first."

"There's no time to be insulted!"

"Where are you going?"

"To distract him while you scurry on land and get Elizabeth."

"Alright."

"Come down here, you monkey!"

screech

"No; you come down here!"

screech

"Well I'm not coming up there."

"Jack, are you actually communicating with him?"

"'Lo, Gibbs, what are you doing up?"

"The sound of you screaming at that monkey woke me."

"I was being a tad loud, wasn't I?"

"Just a tad."

"I blame it all on him. He's being rude. I asked him to come down here and he wouldn't."

"Only—"

"Lizzie can get him down. I know. Ana's off fetching her now. Shouldn't take too long."

"Good, cause it looks like Will's hat isn't satisfying him the way it should—he wants yours now."

"He bloody well better stay away from my hat."

"He doesn't seems to share your sentiments. Jack…what are you doing?"

"Getting me hat back."

"I wouldn't suggest that. You know he likes to play games."

"Is Jack trying to get his hat back?"

"Ah, Elizabeth. Good, you're here. Yes, he's decided it's time for round five of Jack vs Jack."

"Doesn't he remember how rounds one through four ended?"

"Apparently not. Are ye not going to call him off?"

"No. Not yet, at least. I want to see how round five turns out."

"I doubt it'll be any different than the last four."

"That's the fun."

"How long did you wait to call him off that husband of yours?"

"Till he begged."

"Lizzie! Glad you could join us!"

"Hello, Jack! How are you?"

"I'm fine."

scamper

"Do you want me to get your hat back for you?"

"I'm fine, love, nothing to worry about. I'll get me hat back fair and square."

"If you say so."

"You sound as if you don't believe me."

"I don't."

"And why might that be?"

"Because Jack vs Jack round five isn't going to turn out any different that the last four: Jack the Monkey will add another of Jack the Pirate's hats to his collection. And Jack the Pirate's going to buy a new hat that looks exactly like his old one because he's buying it from the same place he bought all the others."

"You don't have much confidence in me do you?"

"Not after I had to save you all those times, no."

"Funny, I could swear it was me saving you 'all those times.'"

"I saved you more."

"You most certainly did not."

"There was the time when we first met, remember?"

"That was only after I'd saved you from drowning!"

"I got us off the island."

"I shot Barbossa before he shot you."

"I—"

pause

"Damn."

"We're tied."

"It can't end like this!"

"Jack, Elizabeth?"

"Not now, Ana."

"But Jack, Jack's got your hat."

"…bloody monkey! Where is he?"

"He left a while ago. I tried to tell you but you and Lizabeth were arguing about who saved who more times."

"Not only did I not win, but that monkey got m hat!"

"Here we go again."

"Next time I'll be ready for him. He'll never even get on this ship, not after I monkey-proof every inch of it. He'll regret the day he ever crossed baths with Captain Jack Sparrow…"