My angst muse is hiding himself in a ditch somewhere, so Cyclonus and Childermass currently have the full run of my brain. Thus, the third skibbly part in the 'Bad Comedy' arc, this time not focusing on the Jets so much.

WARNING: Animal experimentation and canon character torture. Also, this will not make much sense if you haven't read 'Bad Comedy'. It doesn't make much sense anyway, but...

Disclaimer: The squid is mine. ((wonders if this qualifies as tentacle porn))

The World's Smallest Violin

"Out of mild interest, am I the only one who finds this a little…sick?" Wheeljack murmured. Demolisher shook his head.

The fighting had just about ground to a halt twenty seconds ago. The majority of Earth's Autobot Forces and the Decepticon Elite were standing in poses of interrupted warfare, guns half pointed at the floor and fists still poised to deliver optic-breaking blows. The only thing to confuse the picture was that every head in the room was turned in one direction.

Loud moans followed periodically by soft whimpers echoed around the room.

"Dude, I told you we were feeding it too much", Carlos hissed to Rad. Both boys had firmly instructed to stay within the confines of the command centre with the other children, after Red Alert had detected the Decepticons infiltrating the base. Staring at the monitor, Rad found that he could do little but nod, mutely.

"Aaw. I think it's cute", volunteered Fred, who was in the midst of a sandwich and therefore endowed with a sense of goodwill to all creatures great and small.

In another part of the battlefield, Smokescreen scratched his chin. "Maybe it thinks he's part of its family, or something…"

A high-pitched squeak came from the section of the room that had so captivated the attention of its current occupants. Crumplezone shuddered and scurried to hide behind Cyclonus's head. Sparkplug and Jolt drew closer together, hands squeezing tight.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Hot Shot said, squirming uncomfortably.

"You first, kemosabe", Demolisher muttered, gun-digits waving vaguely in the yellow Autobot's general direction.

"Besides, we're having a grand old time!" snickered Cyclonus, who had, for the first time ever, discovered that there were certain things worth stopping a fight for. He had captured Laserbeak delicately between two fingers, and was recording the scene to his heart's content.

"How did it even get out of the tank?" Jetfire murmured, deep in thought. "I thought those things couldn't survive out of water. And where did all the extra tentacles come from?"

"It might have something to do with the chemicals that someone insisted on pouring into its tank. Against my instructions, I might add", said Red Alert, shooting Swindle a look of cold disgust. Sullen beeps and a shuffling of feet were heard in response.

To the right, Megatron saw Optimus place a hand over his face and slowly shake his head. The warlord could have sworn he heard his enemy quietly muttering "I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to ask, I'm not going to ask, I don't want to know…"

"I think it's squeezing him too tight", commented Scavenger as another small scream echoed throughout the room.

"Yeah, I know", Cyclonus grinned, holding Laserbeak higher to get a better view.

"My professional opinion is that it is trying to eat him", Red Alert said with the calmness of a martyr, and quietly added something like,"If anyone cares". Nobody took any notice.

"What I can't understand is why they even have such a ridiculous creature on base", stated Thrust irritably to Megatron. His battle plan had been heinously disrupted by all this, and he was feeling decidedly put out.

"Believe me, you don't want to know", muttered Starscream, who had removed himself to the farthest corner of the room.

His arms constricted to his sides, Sideways gave another high-pitched scream. The virus was covered in a sticky fluid which Fred had identified as ink. Appearing mid-battle with a mind to challenge the two leaders directly, the purple mech had been surprised to find himself lifted from the ground and crushed into a wet, fishy embrace. The squid, it was shortly concluded by some of the faster-thinking Autobots, had been awakened by the noise.

"So, you think we should try and help?" asked Hot Shot, tilting his head.

Optimus raised his head from his hand and surveyed the scene. Quietly, and with an odd, unfamiliar note in his voice, he said, "No, I don't think that's necessary…"