disclaimer: not mine yaddy yaddy - jk's sigh oh do i wish it were mine

well its up and yes i know it took forever but my mother went on the a girl must learn to cook stage and had me helping out and then i had to study and well basically lazyness and not knowing what to write no typing

anna

pwease review - i love you all lots and lots (although you probably hate me for taking so long) still lots of love from me :D

Just Yourself to Blame

James sat bouncing a tennis ball off his office wall. He should have been, when he thought about it, unclogging his desk from the tonne of paper that had accumulated since he had gone on his "vacation" but the sheer amount of it was disturbing enough, let alone his nagging conscience.

Yet, considering his state of mind he thought it best to not to start work until he had managed to take control of his annoyance and enlightened himself to what actual feelings he should be feeling, anger or hurt.

The biggest problem was that he knew Lily didn't know what he had wanted her to say to him, but he saw what he needed to know in her eyes, and it bothered him beyond hope that he had wanted and needed verbal acknowledgement from her that she wanted him, it was the first time he had ever demanded the words. Thus, giving him even more reason to be annoyed at himself, for needing those words.

He held the bright yellow ball in his hands, clamping it in his palms while 'gently' leaning his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling. He damned himself. He damned himself for complicating things which were already complicated, making his life twice as hard as it need to have been.

Deciding that losing Lily and losing his job in the space of a month was not desirable, so aiming for the bin he threw the yellow ball, which bounced amazingly from the rim and into the bin. Well even if he had lost everything, he still had his Quidditch skills. Although thinking about it throwing the ball away would be a pain since his breaks would have to involve getting up for entertainment, he fetched the ball back.

As he began to sort through the papers the office door clicked open and the one person he had been hoping to avoid came into the room and sat himself down at his very empty desk.

"Hey James, had a good time off?"

"Yea, you know me," James said hoping he could get Paul off the subject. "How was the honeymoon?"

"So you haven't heard?" Paul said astounded.

"Heard what? Did something happen?" James asked, it was best to act clueless when you were the villain.

"Lily walked out on me, for you I think," he said scratching his head. "Strange thing is I'm not upset about it. I mean I thought I loved her."

"Love, such a complicated thing," James said playing with the ball in his hands swinging back on his chair.

"So you haven't seen her?" Paul asked, "Cause well I mean I'd like to talk to her about the wedding payments."

How thick can he be? James thought silently "Um, well," James said trying to not laugh, "I think considering you're not that upset about her leaving, it'd be best if you left things the way they are," James said, looking at his desk, "You know what, I'm going to go home for today so I'll take some of this with me, it'll be easier to do at home," James lied smiling at Paul, "Well if I see Lily I'll say hi." James grabbed a pile of papers and left the office.

…

"He was with her for over a year and he didn't love her, Sirius. He was marrying her to have his kids and that's it, she's beautiful and smart and he wants those attributes in his kids," James yelled.

"Chill out James," Sirius said as the tennis ball was thrown at his face. "Really chill out, I mean she left him right. Lily isn't with him and she would be with you if you hadn't been so frickin stupid."

"I know Sirius, I know, but how could he not love her. HOW? Lily is almost perfect in everyway and I know she has her flaws but hell I love her flaws because well Lily isn't Lily without them," James said sitting at his kitchen table, "WHY did I screw it up!"

"Because you're James Potter?" Sirius asked smiling at him, while James laughed as all his hopes drained away.

…

Lily sat eating through her second tub of ice-cream, she loved James but she didn't understand why he wanted her to say something specific. Love had always been enough before…

"Lily," Abigail said coming into the room, "You have to talk to him."

"What so he can push me away again?"

"You hurt him, by not saying that you loved him when he did you hurt him, and well seeing you with Paul all the time didn't do much for him either. He loves you and you were both angry when you last saw him so maybe you should just go and see him and talk."

"I don't want to, I just want him in my life, I need him in my life."

"Lily what will you always need him for? And what will you always want him for?" Abigail said smiling softly taking the empty ice-cream tub from her

"I don't know why I need him, I just feel like he completes me, and I'll always want because he knows how to make me feel better when there's just a dead end in front of me. Like when I couldn't figure out how to do something in transfiguration and I'd give up; he'd pick me up and show me how to do it and then make me try until I got it right because he knew that I'd feel better and well he'd get thanked a lot for it," Lily smiled, "but he did it for me."

"Then why don't you go tell him that?"

"Because," Lily said, "I'm afraid he'd find it stupid."

…

James had never been particularly afraid of anything in his life except being alone, and that's what he was now. Alone. And it terrified him.

Admittedly he wasn't alone in the fact of having good friends around and his mother was still alive but it wasn't that kind of alone he was afraid of. James Potter was afraid of being alone in the sense that when he died he wouldn't have a wife who would grieve or children that surrounded his bed as he drew his final breath.

He wanted someone he would love for the rest of his life, someone he could dote on incessantly without cause, someone who would say I love you for no reason at all and most of all someone who would just be there even when things went pear shaped.

In truth James was afraid of what his grave would say about him, in his dreams he wanted it to say, James Potter – Loving husband and father rests here – or something to that effect, and preferably he wanted his wife to lay for eternity next to him, and he wanted Lily to be that woman, but as the situation stood, his life was shattered.

Sighing he leaned back on his sofa and stared at the ceiling, I'm becoming to familiar with this ceiling, he thought sourly, and he knew why he was becoming familiar with the ceiling his regret for being afraid she would have said no, even when everyone around him said otherwise.

…

Lily had spent the day listening to Abigail, ignoring her advice and listening to it again, and finally after much deliberation and guidance Lily had been told what to do, the only problem was what was she going to say.

"What if I sound stupid?"

"He'll laugh it off and kiss you and tell you you're wonderful. Lily I don't see your problem the man adores you beyond human reason, why are you so afraid?"

"I don't know."

Abigail rolled her eyes, no matter how much you love your friends they still find a way to tick you off, "You love and you want him and he loves you and wants you, right?" Lily nodded somewhat apprehensively but she nodded, "Then I don't see your problem. You two are old enough to have a conversation that doesn't lead to sex."

"Generally that's only arguments."

"Then don't argue now go before you turn back into a pumpkin!"

Lily rolled her eyes and left.

…

His neck hurt, he had been staring at the ceiling for over an hour so now he was staring at the floor. He rubbed his neck as he heard the door click open and softly close again. He groaned, Sirius was probably back to annoy him to go out and have "fun", although Sirius sense of fun involved getting to drunk to walk, he sighed, and conceded.

"I'm in here," he said looking up to see Lily appear in the doorway.

Immediately he sat up, "James," she said softly looking at him with her green eyes. Oh he was so not looking forward to this. "We need to talk, no. I need to talk and you need to listen."

"OK, I can listen," he said as she sat on the chair next to the couch that he seemed to be attached to.

Lily faltered before beginning, "Before we," she stopped and looked at him, her eyes cloudy, "before we broke up I was scared of losing you, and I don't mean you dieing I mean you leaving. I was scared that you would find someone better than me, someone who would fit your life better." Lily stopped and James attempted to talk but Lily silenced him by placing a finger on his lips.

"I don't know why, but what I want to know is why you let me break up with you, why you let me leave your life, and now you want me back in it? Don't get me wrong James I want us to be together I love you so much it hurts," Lily stopped and looked at James who was playing with a pillow tassel absently while staring into her eyes.

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy," James whispered, moving closer, "I thought it was what you wanted."

"You were wrong," Lily sniffed as a tear ran down her cheek.

James couldn't stop himself, and he kissed the tear off her cheek. "What does this mean then?"

"I want us to be together, just maybe less arguments and you being on time a bit more," Lily said while James chuckled.

"No promises on being on time but I'll try," James smiled.

As he cupped her face in his hand he smiled and leant in to kiss her. Lily had almost forgotten what it was like to be kissed by James, he was so tender and loving and yet he was always slightly shy, but as he pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her possessively she knew he was happy to have her back.

"Have they kissed yet," Sirius whispered, and James pulled away from Lily.

"Can we agree to get our locks changed?" he whispered in her ear, who giggled in response running her hand through his hair biting her lip, before she placed her head on his chest. "Yes they have Sirius and your whispering sucks!"

"We have food!" Sirius protested as the group who had been hiding emerged.

James laughed and Lily curled up further into his lap as they ate their dinner, it was almost like their life used to be, but better.

…

James was late, Lily sighed, it was their first proper dinner since they had gotten back together and all her stuff had been boxed up from her flat and then unboxed around the house. She was about to give up when she saw James running.

"Sorry," he grinned, pulling out a rose.

"You suck," Lily smiled taking the rose. "But I love you anyway. Now explain."

"The interview ran late, and well then they told me I got the job so insisted on showing me the ropes."

Lily sighed lovingly at him, "We missed our reservation, and I still don't see why you had to get a new job."

"Well wanting to kill Paul at work isn't an option for me, and I'd rather work shorter hours, might be a little less money but I get more time with you, and our reservation doesn't matter because Sirius and Abigail are setting up a picnic now." James reeled off to a disapproving Lily.

"What would you do without your friends?" Lily laughed as James took her vacant hand and led her to his pick nick.

James didn't reply, but kissed Lily on the forehead, and as they walked together James knew Lily would complain for her feat. "It's worth it I promise," he said softly.

When they finally arrived there Lily made a point to not complain, "So what are we doing on a blanket in the middle of the night in a park."

"It's not the middle of the night, and I wanted to talk to you about something very important to me." Lily mumbled, as James said this, "I'm talking about you, you muffin."

"Oh." Lily replied wondering what James was talking about

"Anyway, before we open the basket. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and long being since well, actually discredit the long time issue."

Lily looked at James, he was nervous, so she moved closer, she kissed his cheek and leant her head on his shoulder, "So what's this that you want to talk to me about?" she said smiling looking up at him.

"I love you," James whispered in her ear before, moving so that he was facing her, "and well I bought you a present."

"You're trying to buy me off?"

James laughed, "No," he said pushing back her hair behind her ear, and taking out a box from his pocket. "Lily, will you marry me?"

Lily blinked, as the little box opened and James smiled softly at her, "This is the one I used to drool over at Hogsmeade," as she tugged it out of the box.

"Yea I know, I snuck out of school and bought it on the last day of school," James said meekly, "So is that a yes?"

Lily giggled, "It isn't a no," she smiled, "Of course it's a yes you buffoon," as James took the ring and placed it on her finger. "Can you promise you won't be late for our wedding?"

"Yes," James replied pulling her into his lap, "I promise not to be late."

…

James stood at the door way just watching. Lily was walking around in circles cooing into his son's ear trying to get him to sleep, but as his baby spotted him at the door he giggled.

"Oh come on Harry, mummy wants you to be asleep when daddy gets home," Lily said, frustration etching in her voice as she bounced him up and down.

"Daddy's already home," James said from the door, Lily spun round and glared at him. "And what's the need to get my favourite boy to sleep," James said taking Harry from Lily.

"It's our anniversary you dolt."

"I'm aware of that," James said as he cradled his son. "You're present is on our bed." Lily mumbled on her way out of the room, while James chuckled. "You gunna go to sleep, for daddy?" he asked but all he got was a giggle and a pair of green eyes staring at him, "I guess that's a no huh?"

"Pfft!" was the reply.

"James?" Lily said wrapping her arms around his neck, "Exactly how much money do you intend to spend on me before we die?"

James smiled, "Mummy liked her present then?"

"Yes mummy did, now tell me why you make me feel guilty by buying me expensive things and well I just get you…"

"You give me great presents," James replied turning around, looking into her guilt ridden eyes, "You do, I swear you do. First Christmas as my wife you tell me you're pregnant, best Christmas present ever, first anniversary Cannons tickets and well for my birthday you didn't die. I spend on you because I can, and I want to because I love you."

"See now that's a perfect gift," Lily said.

"So you want me to take what I actually got you back?"

"No," Lily smiled and kissed him, "But um, well."

"You didn't get me one did you."

"No and I'm sorry but Harry just well he slept and since whenever he's not asleep I'm not really asleep I slept and when I woke up Sirius was here and I'm sorry."

"I told you I can stay up with Harry when he doesn't sleep."

"Yea but you go to work and I don't deserve any of this."

James looked down at Harry who was by now fast asleep, "Yea well sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you or Harry, and frankly I don't feel like losing you."

Lily watched as James placed Harry in his crib, "I'm jealous you know, he falls asleep when you hold him and I have to fuss over him."

"You like fussing love," James said wrapping his arms around her. "Now how about a bath my love."

"How about we skip the bath and go to bed," Lily said suggestively.

"Whatever the misses wants she gets," James said picking her up and carrying her away.

Little Harry Potter opened his eyes and yawned as he heard his mother giggle, then he turned over and slept.

well thats all from me for now - im going to be busy with exams for a month now :D fun fun fun

anyway again thanks for reading - hoped you like - cause well im only fond of the last segment of the chap and nyeh please review :D

anna