DISCLAIMER: I do not in any way own any part of the movies House of 1000 Corpses or The Devil's Rejects. I do not own most of these characters. They are the property of Rob Zombie, Liongate films, and whoever else holds a commercial or property license over them. This is fan fiction, intended for the sole purpose of entertainment. No one has been paid to write or host this story. No one has been paid or will have to pay to read it.
Chapter Five
The Crime of the Century
When the three of them were dropped back on earth, the "dropped" part was a bit too literal for them. It seemed like one moment Lou was raising his hand, the next they were lying flat on their backs, in a wheat field by the side of the road, feeling as if they'd fallen a great distance.
"Ke-rist!" Spaulding moaned, "my back hurts like a motherfucker."
"Tell me about it, old man." Otis tried to sit up, then changed his mind and laid back down again.
"I always thought Heaven was up and Hell was down," Baby said, sitting up. Of the three of them, she seemed least effected by how they'd gotten here. Then again, she was the youngest, and she was beautiful. Maybe Lou was a little kinder to her.
"That whole Heaven in the clouds, Hell below our feet, is metaphoric." Otis said, gritting his teeth and forcing himself to sit up. That first breath upon sitting, felt like pure fire sinking into his lungs. The second was easier. By the third, he had the hang of it again and he stopped wanting to rip out his spine just to show it who was boss. "Hell isn't in the center of the earth, or Heaven in the clouds, that's just so much bullshit."
"Yeah, but it seems weird to feel as if we've been dropped onto the ground when we were being sent back from Hell," Baby argued as sprang to her feet. "Well, no sense in laying around here like a bunch of dogs in the summer heat. Let's get going." She looked around. "There's a road over that-aways. Bet we can get a ride."
"You're right, Baby-girl," Spaulding said. "But we got ourselves one little problem here..."
"What's that?" Baby asked.
"I think I broke my fuckin' back."
While this was going on, Otis managed to get on his knees, then pull himself into a standing position. "Aw, quit yer bitchin' old man. You didn't break your back."
Otis and Baby got on either side of Spaulding. They each took an arm and pulled the clown slowly to his feet. "Yeeeow!" Spaulding cried out, both hearing and feeling his back popping and crackling. Once on his feet, he rolled his shoulders and started moving, trying to get the muscles to loosen up. Baby slipped behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. "Oh, Baby, that feel good," he closed his eyes and sighed, feeling his muscles slowly beginning to unknot themselves under her hands. "Thank you so much, Mmmm."
Otis watched this father-daughter exchange looking bored. "You done yet?" he asked Spaulding. "Or do we need to find someone to coddle your balls, too?"
"Very funny." Spaulding stared at him darkly. "Yeah, I'm up t'walkin' now."
The three of them walked out of the hayfield and over to the road. It was a two-lane, paved road which seemed to shimmer in the summer heat. They saw a road sign and walked over to read it; Jericho – 15 miles.
"Hm, this don't look like the road to Jericho Texas," Spaulding commented.
"Who's to say we're in Texas," Otis pointed out. "Lou never said he was going to send us back to Texas and I'm bettin' he didn't."
"Well, shit!" Spaulding griped. "We're gonna have t'find our way back there, then."
Clearly, the old man was missing something in all of this, and Otis found that amusing. "Why?" he asked, stringing him along.
"Because that's where my business is." Spaulding rolled his eyes in annoyance. "We gotta earn a living don't we? The business don't make much, but it'll keep a roof over our heads."
"And your just going to waltz back into Ruggsville, go to that shithole you called a business, walk in and say, 'Howdy folks. Yes, I know, I'm dead, but I was too evil for Hell, so I'm back here on borrowed time and I'd really like my business back?'" Otis snorted, enjoying showing up Cutter. "Yeah, Numbnuts, that'll work real good."
Spaulding opened his mouth as if to cuss Otis, then stopped as what Otis was saying really sunk in and grabbed hold. "Shit, yeah, you're right."
"I'll bet we can't go to the house either," Baby said, wistfully. "Not that there would be much left, but it seems wrong t'be back alive and not have the house."
"Probably better we ain't in Texas anyway," Otis said. "Too many reminders, not to mention if anyone's gonna recognize us, it'll be someone in Texas. Face, it, we're just gonna have to start over. We knew it when we left the house after Wydell and his posse came for us. Nothing's really changed in that respect."
"I suppose you're right." Now it was Spaulding's turn to sound wistful. "No use in cryin' we might as well get started on this life of good deeds." He tried not to break into laughter as he thought about himself doing "good deeds." It wasn't something he'd thought about before, and it would take some getting used to.
"Yeah," Baby agreed. "So, let's hitch ourselves a ride to this Jericho and see what we can find out. At least we can get our hands on some money so we can get started."
While Otis and Spaulding hid themselves behind a gathering of scrubby bushes near the side of the road, Baby perched herself out on the shoulder and stuck her thumb out. Thankfully, the Devil had not returned them to earth wearing those orange jumpers or the lumious white robes, but in fairly normal garb. Baby was wearing a very short denim skirt with a white tube top and a denim blouse over the tube top, open in the front, and tied off just above the waist. Tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder, she waited.
This was not a heavily traveled road, but it didn't matter. The first car that came towards them pulled over as soon as he saw Baby's thumb sticking out. It was a guy all alone in a station wagon. Baby grinned and walked over to the car. She pretended to have trouble with the door handle, long enough for her brother and father to come running over and jump into the back seat before the guy driving the car knew what hit him. Then she opened the door and lept into the passenger's side. "Howdy, I hope you're goin' t' Jericho, cause that's where me, my Daddy, and my brother are headed."
The balding, middle aged business man looked at the two men in the back seat, then at Baby, and sighed longingly. "I- I'm heading to Jericho too," he admited, as if it were painful for him to do so.
"Well, that's certainly handy, isn't it?" Baby flashed Middle Aged Man a brilliant smile.
"Yeah." The man sighed again, resigning himself to only giving Baby a lift into town and not a romp in the sheets. "I-I can drop you off at the gas station right on the edge of town. From there, you can walk to just about anywhere you'd like."
"That sounds good to us," Spaulding said. "We're much obliged."
Otis mouthed the words, "We're much obliged" mockingly, then rolled his eyes in disgust. This trying to do good crap wasn't going to be easy, the world had too many jackasses like the driver of this car. "Hey, Chubs, what state are we in?"
"North Carolina," the man said, scowling at being called Chubs. "How can you not know what state you're in?"
"'Cause we were partying like crazy the night before," Baby answered for Otis.
"Don't see how a party could cause you to forget what state you're in," the man pondered.
Baby smiled seductively and fluttered her eyelashes. "Then sugar, you've been going to the wrong parties!"
Buck Wilson leaned forward on the flormica counter and sighed. Another three hours and I'll be done for the day, he thought. Go home, eat dinner, do homework, go to bed, tomorrow, go to school, come here. Whoopedy do-dah-day, how could I be so lucky?
When he was slightly less bored with life, Buck would admit that working at the gas station / convenient store wasn't a bad job. The owner liked him, and gave him all the hours he needed. He was paid half a buck over minimum wage, and the job itself wasn't hard. He turned on the pumps and collected money for gas, he rang up purchases in the store, made sure the restrooms were somewhat clean, and stocked the shelves. This job paid better money and was a lot easier than trying to hustle yard work and odd jobs like most of his friends did. With this job, he could afford his car. Yeah, it was a '72 Dodge Swinger, not the most flashy car in the world, but it was all his. If he had to scrounge for the dimes, he never would have been able to afford it.
Yes, Buck knew he should be grateful for this job, and on most days he was. But, every once in awhile, a day like today would crop up, a day where the place was deader than dead, all the grunt work he could do was done, and he was just bored.
If only Mr. Quinn would let me do my homework when it was dead like this, he wished. Not that doing homework was the thrill of a lifetime, but it would be better than the boredom.
He looked under the counter to see if there was anything he could stock behind the counter, but there was nothing. He'd already stocked the cigarettes anyway, and that was the biggest time waster. There was nothing in the back to be put on the shelves, Paco the daytime clerk had done that. The bathrooms were even clean.
He sat down on the stool behind the counter, leaned back against the wall, and started daydreaming about Carla Green. He'd grown up with Carla; heck in a town like Jericho, everyone grew up with everyone, but Carla had done some changing these last couple years and it was all for the good. Her hair had darkened from that carroty orange to the color of fire. Her freckles seemed to have faded too. Even better, she'd gone from having all the curves of a stick of gum into a real fox. Buck figured she was probably a C cup, his friend Victor said she was a B, but Victor had his head up his butt 99 of the time anyway, what did he know? Yeah, Carla was not only a C, but a C who liked to wear tight shirts and sweaters to make what she had look even bigger. If the boobs weren't enough, she also had some killer hips, which she would sway as she walked so any guy within eyeshot would stare with their mouths hanging open. Well, not all of them, because he didn't. Buck kept his cool with Carla, because he knew the best way to get a girl to heat up around you, was to pretend you never noticed her. His older brother, Glen. had told him that, and Buck was finding it to be very true. He was going to give this ignore trick a couple more days and then ask her out. He was feeling confident Carla would accept.
He was lost in a fantasy of the two of them parked by the lake, her peeling off her sweater and begging him to "make her a woman!" when a car pulled in to let three people out before driving away.
It wasn't seeing people dropped off that drew Buck's attention, people were always getting dropped off here for one reason or another. What caught Buck's attention was one of the three.
She was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen in his life. Tall, leggy, blonde, and if that wasn't enough, as she turned to shut the door of the car? Buck saw she had the most spectacular ass he'd ever seen in his life. A perfect ass, the sort of ass Helen of Troy must have had, an ass that a man would happily fight wars over.
He brought the stool forward and leaned to get a better view out of the window. Long-legged, dream ass woman was with two other people. Both were guys, so Buck didn't really give a crap about them, except that one might be her boyfriend, which, by looking at the two of them, would mean she had lousy taste in men. Both of them looked really raunchy, she could definitely do a lot better.
The car that dropped them off drove away. The three of them talked for a bit. Her back was to Buck, so he was unable to admire her beautiful face, but he was able to admire that perfect ass some more. Damn, I'm gonna have to get up early and change the sheets tomorrow, he thought, 'cause I just know I'm gonna dream about her! As well as her ass, he admired those long, legs of hers and envisoned them wrapped around his waist.
He fully expected them to just walk away, because that was the kind of day he was having. When they headed inside the place, Buck lept up from the stool, trying to look attentive and to hide his boner behind the counter.
The walked into the store. The two guys started walking up and down the isles. The girl walked over to the counter. "Hi there!"
Damn, even her voice is pretty! "Uh-h-hi!" Buck stammered. Oh great, his inward voice snipped, stutter, why don't you? Yeah, that'll impress the snot out of her. DOOFUS! Still, nothing he could do but press on and try to cover up his mistake. "Something I can help you with?"
She smiled, giving Buck a glimpse at some of the whitest teeth he'd ever seen. "What's a cute guy like you doin' working here?" she tipped her head to one side appearing to study him carefully. "Handsome guy like you ought to be out havin' fun with at least one of his girlfriends. I'll bet you have moren' one too!"
"Uh yeah," Buck begain, then shook his head. "I mean, uh, no! Not seeing anyone right now." He leaned over on the counter, knocking down a display of eyeglass repair kits in a plastic container. The round kits spilled over the counter, rolling off the counter, and getting everywhere.
Well, congratulations, you've gone from cool to wiener in .05 seconds! He scrambled to stand up the tube and started gathering up the tiny cases and shoving them in. "Uh, well, uh,"
"Butterfingers!" The woman of Buck's dreams smiled and helped him pick up the kits.
"Yeah, well, uh, we all have those days." Buck waited for his face to just burst into flames, it certainly felt hot enough. "Uh, thank you."
"No problem!" She grabbed the last few kits from where they'd rolled off the counter and into the candy rack below, and put them back into the container.
When all the eyeglass repair kits were put away, Buck cleared his throat, trying to regain his dignity. "So, uh, what can I help you with?"
Dream woman looked down at her feet. "Well, I need something..."
"Okay, what do you need?"
"Well, I'm a bit embarassed," Dream woman put her hands behind her, and rubbed on the ground with her foot, looking like an innocent little girl about to tell a boy she had a major crush on him.
"Well, I can't help you, if you don't tell me," Buck pointed out, smiling.
"Well, uhm, why don't you just lean over and I can whisper what I need into your ear."
"A-all right." Buck leaned forward on the counter. "If it'll make you feel better." Dream woman leaned over and whispered something very softly in his ear. So softly he couldn't make it out, though her breath made his ear tickle. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."
She leaned even closer and put her hand up by her mouth, "I need some –" she paused to look around, as if worried someone might be too close and hear her, "- rubbers."
Briefly, Buck brain malfunctioned and he thought she meant those covers for your shoes people wore when it rained. "We don't have those but I don't think it's going to rain any time soon, you'll have time to get to - " He stopped as the true meaning sunk into his head. "AH! Okay. Uh, well, we don't sell those here. You should try the drugstore. It's just up the street. They'll have what you need."
"No, I think you have exactly what I need," Dream woman disagreed. She was still whispering in his ear.
"Well," he traced circles into the flormica as he spoke softly. "We don't have those. So, what can I get you that we do have?"
"How about all your money?" she whispered.
"What?" He started to pull away, from her, not believing what she was saying. When he did, he felt something hard sticking into his back.
"Easy stallion," a male voice said from behind him. "Take it real easy and no one needs to get hurt."
"What do you want?" Buck tried with very little success, not to panic. Working in a place like this, robbery was always a risk, but he also lived in Jericho. This sort-of thing just didn't happen in Jericho, at least not in the daytime! He'd never been trained on how to handle this situation. He hoped for two things, one that he'd live though this and, two that he wouldn't piss his pants.
"I just want you to open that cash register, take out the money inside, and put it in one of your bags," the man behind him said, "Can you do that for me?"
The woman smiled. "Toss in a couple packages of Malboros too."
"Please don't kill me," Buck whispered, as he inched his way to the cash register.
"Just relax son." The other guy in the group, the heavier one with shorter hair, spoke, as he walked up to the counter and stood next to Baby. "No one is going to get hurt if you just do what my friend behind you asks."
Buck hit the "No Sale" button on the register. The drawer slid out smoothly.
"By the way," the man in front of him said, "Is that your car out there? The puke green one?"
"Y-yes," Buck stammered as he fumbled to grab a paper bag from under the counter.
"We'll be needing the keys to that too," Man-in-front said.
Buck's hands were shaking so badly that he could barely get the metal pieces used to hold the bills down, up. Oh man, God, are you paying me back for griping about being bored, or for wanting to get to home plate with Carla Green? Either one, I'm sorry! Just don't let these people kill me. Please God, I don't want to die!
He started tossing the money into the bag. "D-do you want the ch-change, too? The s-s-silver, I m-m-mean?"
"Nope," came from man-behind him, the one who had the gun pressed into his back.
"Yeah, sugar, you can keep the change," Dream woman smiled. man-in-front chuckled at the joke. Buck wondered if he'd ever chuckle again. Buck wondered if he'd die a virgin.
He got the money into the bag, grabbed four packs of Malboro cigarettes and stuffed them in the bag too. "I-I'm giving you extra butts," he said, handing the bag to her, gulping, and raising his hands to show he was defenseless. "S-so please d-don't kill me."
"Aw, as long as you keep cool, you'll be just fine," Dream Woman purred. "It's almost over darlin', we just gotta get those car keys."
"Th-their in my p-pocket," Buck stammered. "M-my f-front pocket. I-I'm gonna have t-to r-reach f-for them."
Man-in-back reached around and reached into Buck's right front pocket, which was the right one. He pulled out the keys to Buck's car. "Good. Now, I'm going to step back. I want you to lie down on the floor, put your hands on your head. Count to five hundred and don't you move a muscle until you're done. If you do, I will shoot you in the fucking head."
Buck nodded and did exactly as he was asked. Oh, Christ, I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Christ, I'm betting this lunatic is gonna shoot me in the back! Outloud, he started counting so man-behind-him would hear. "One... two... three... four..."
He heard the sounds of the door bell ringing, but that didn't mean all three of them had left. "...five... six... seven..."
The three of them ran for the car. Baby jumped into the passenger side, while Otis and Spaulding argued over who was going to drive.
"Last time you drove, we were killed!" Spaulding argued.
Otis spoke through gritted teeth, "But I have the fucking keys!"
"So? That means you get to drive?"
"Daddy, let Otis drive!" Baby called out, "we've got to get out of here!"
The two men glared at each other, then Spaulding sighed. "Stuborn as a always."
"Fuck off!" Otis opened the door and slid into the car. When he turned the key in the ignition, the car roared to life and the Styx song, Renegade started screaming over the stereo system.
"I love this song!" Baby shouted turning the volume knob and discovering it was already as high as it would go. "The jig is up / the news is out / they've finally found me / The renegade / who had it made / retrieved for a bounty / Never more to go astray / This will be the end today / of the wanted man!" She sang along cheefully as Otis pulled out of the parking lot and headed down the road they'd come into town on.
"Jesus Christ, turn that shit down!" Otis snapped as he stomped on the gas. "Or even better, turn it off!"
"Why should she do that?" a familiar, but unexpected voice said. "I rather like this song."
Spaudling turned his head to the left, Otis looked in the rearview mirror and Baby turned her head to look in the back seat. Lou was sitting there, and even though he was smiling, he still managed to look not very pleased.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Otis asked, eyes beginning to narrow.
"What the hell are you doing, period?" Lou responded, his own eyes narrowing.
"Driving!" Otis snapped.
"Really?" Lou tipped his head.
It was then that all of them noticed they weren't moving. Otis's foot was still on the gas pedal, but the car wasn't moving. The radio had stopped playing. Everything around them was now, deathly quiet and deathly still.
"You stopped time!" Baby cried out, as she saw a bird, frozen in flight in the sky. "Holy fuck, you stopped time!"
"Yes I did, how observant of you," Lou dryly remarked. "Okay, my bitches, we have to talk."
"Your what?" Spaulding asked, one eye narrowing as he shook his head in disbelief at the Devil's words.
"My bitches," Lou said, looking back at Spaulding, clearly not the least bit intimidated. "Remember, you're so evil, you can't even go to Hell until I've determined you've done enough good. Until then, you're my little playthings. From where I'm standing, that makes you my bitch, right?"
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put my boot up yo' ass," Spaulding said, glaring at Lou.
"Because I'm the devil you moron. You'll never get the chance." Lou waved his hand in the air in a dismissive motion. "That's all besides the point. The reason why I'm here is to ask you, what the fuck are you doing?"
"What do you mean what are we doing?" Otis had shifted at this point, so he was looking into the back seat. Much easier than craining his neck to use the rearveiw mirror to see into the back seat. "We're trying to get away from a robery. What the fuck are you doing, bothering us?"
"I'm bothering you, because I thought the whole point of my sending you back to earth was for you to do enough good to earn your places in Hell!"
"And?" Otis motioned for Lou to continue.
"Doing good does not mean robbing a convenient store and stealing the clerks car!" the Devil glared at him.
Otis, Spaulding, and Baby all looked at each other, confused. "Well, it ain't legal, that's for sure," Spaulding finally said. "But it's not like it's really evil. We didn't even hurt the clerk."
"That's besides the point!" Lou shook his head, covering his eyes with his hand for a moment. "I didn't tell you 'hey, as long as you don't kill anyone, we're cool!' I said you have to do good. Maybe I didn't make it crystal clear, but as well as doing good, you have to try to not do bad. Robbing store? Robbing store, bad! Scaring poor clerk? Scaring clerk BAD! Stealing poor clerk's car? BAD! You three right now? BAD!" He wagged his finger at all of them.
"But we gotta find a way to survive, don't we?" Otis pointed out, glaring back at Lou.
"Hey, here's a clue for you, Mr. Driftwood," The Devil leaned forward so he was only inches away from Otis' face. "Get. A. Job!"
"I should just-" Otis raised his fist.
"You ought to what?" Lou taunted. "Hit me? Like you can. Hello? Are you forgetting, I'm Satan!"
"The job thing is a good idea," Baby interjected herself into the conversation, trying to get Otis to back off. Pissing off the devil didn't seem like the wisest choice of things to do. "But what do we do in the meantime? We've got to survive and even if we all get jobs today, we won't get paid for at least a week! What do we do for that week?"
"What do we do for that week?" the devil mimicked. "Aww, the three badasses are worried they're going to go hungry or have to sleep on the streets!" His expression went back to serious. "I don't care. The three of you have shown a remarkable amount of fortitude and intelligence when it came to doing evil. Now it's time to twist that intelligence around and use it for doing good. That includes being able to come up with alternative for survival that doesn't include breaking the law!"
"It was just going to be this once!" Spaulding said. "Just to get us started."
"Yeah, that's what they all say." Another wave of dismissal came from the Devil's hand. "Just one little robbery. Then the money runs out and it's just one more, so on and so forth until you're surviving by robbery and you're so far in the hole with the bad over the good that I might as well just chain you to earth forever. I'm not telling you again, turn the car around and head back. Return the money, return the car."
"That's no good!" Baby protested. "That kid's probably called the cops by now!"
"I stopped time, remember?" Lou signed. "The kid is still lying on the floor. And yes, Otis, you can start turning around and heading back, I'll give control of the vehicle back to you. I also won't start time again, until you're back."
"The kid will still call the cops," Spaulding said. "And we'll be arrested in seconds. How much good can we do from jail?"
The devil shrugged. "Well, I know a few people in jail that would love to make Otis here their wife. Think you'd like that, big boy?"
"I'll show you, shithead," Otis snaped.
Baby had to grab him to keep him from climbing over the seat, "Otis, calm down."
"Oh, let him go!" Lou laughed. "This might be amusing."
It was the Devil's words that made Otis reconsider and sit back down in the seat. "No one is making me their fucking wife."
"Then you'll have to figure out a way to convince the clerk not to call the cops," the Devil said. "Oral sex might help." He looked over at Baby.
"Huh?" Baby's eyes widened.
"Oral sex. You've certainly heard of oral sex, Baby," Lou smirked. "You've even had a lot of hands on, or should I say, mouth on experience with oral sex. The boy is is sixteen and he thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I'll bet a blowjob will be all the convincing he needs not to call the cops."
"But what if I don't want to that?" Baby asked.
"Then be prepared to make some woman in prision very happy." Lou smiled. "If you really please her, I might even count some of that as doing good deeds. I feel lesbians are very under appreciated in this world today."
"Aw shit," Baby muttered.
"You know, it doesn't seem quite fair to make the kid have to do this," Spaulding said. "Isn't there another way?"
"Well, you're welcome to offer a blow job, but I don't think that will hold the same appeal to the boy."
Otis couldn't help but snigger at the Devil's last remark. Knowing it was pointless to argue, he'd already begun turning around the car and heading back. He was fortunate this road wasn't highly traveled. If both lanes had been heavily in use, weaving around the suspended-in-time cars would have been difficult.
"Oh, very funny," Spaulding snapped. "I'm just sayin' if you can stop time, can't you run it backwards? Make it so we never robbed the place?"
Lou's eyes suddenly widened, and he broke into a grin. "Wow, that's true, I could do that!" he exclaimed.
"Well then, there we go!" Spaulding leaned back in the seat looking satisfied.
"It's just too bad for you three I won't!" The Devil continued in the same tone of voice, the same wide eyed expression on his face. Then, his expression grew serious. "Part of doing good is admitting when you've done wrong, owning up to your mistakes and trying to make good on them. This is a perfect way for you to begin."
"Great, you sound like a Sunday School teacher," Otis griped.
"Oh, like you ever went to Sunday school," Lou shot back. "C'mon, back we go."
"I'm driving, I'm driving," Otis muttered.